findthelight Posted April 2, 2012 Share Posted April 2, 2012 Hello all. Thanks for reading. Two years ago I met my best friend of the opposite sex on an online gaming site. There was no attraction, in fact we didn't even know what the other looked like for close to a year, he simply provided me with advice on my game. As time went on we began to e-mail, then text, then call, then Facebook, the Skype. There was some mild flirtation early on, but we always agreed that we had a brother/sister type relationship and that's as far as it went. Fast foward two years and one week long vacation together and I'm head over heels in love with him. We can't be together, there's absolutely no way. Due to his job and his family history, it would be impossible for him to obtain citizenship in my country. I could get citizenship to his, but he's almost 3000 miles away and I know absolutely no one where he lives. I also have a career that is geographically specialized and I couldn't perform it where he lives - it's a big gamble. For additional reasons that I won't go into here (they'd be obvious enough that if he ever found this site he'd immediately know it was me), I need to end this friendship. It's tearing me apart but there's no other way. The hard part is that he doesn't know how I feel and I don't want him to. We can't be together so me professing my love is only going to end in pain for both of us - if he feels the same way it'll just hurt us both that we can't be together. If he doesn't feel the same way, it will effectively end our friendship anyhow. We've both recently gotten into new relationships after me being single for about 2 years and him being single for about 4. I want to give my new relationship a chance and I can't do that when he's in my head. It also rips me apart every time he tells me about his new girl. She's obviously making him happy which is my only true wish for him, but it hurts to know that the girl making him happy isn't me. I want him to give his new relationships a chance as well - I don't have the heart to tell him how I feel as it could shift his focus from his girlfriend and I could never put him in such an uncomfortable position. So my dilemma is, how do I end this? All of my available options (just stop talking to him, make up some guilt-ridden lie, tell him the truth and risk hurting him, etc.) seem inappropriate. I've tried letting the friendship fizzle out on its own but because he doesn't understand what's going on with me, he's business as usual and I get all the standard texts, calls, e-mails, etc. This just prolongs my hurt. Please provide some advice if you have any. I'm willing to bear the worst of the pain if it means he doesn't have to... Link to post Share on other sites
MeiGuan Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Don´t take the risk. You can´t be with him anyway! I have been in relationships like this an yeah, everything may seem dreamy at first but, it doesn´t work. Keep it cool and find a man in your town. When you meet other people, your mind will stop focusing on him. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Sadly things don't always work the way we want them to. In this situation you really need to put yourself first and you obviously realize that your life is where you are. Right now you need to cut contact with him and take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
casanovadude81 Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 You should stop all contact with him, and do your best to not think about him until you're through this. Link to post Share on other sites
baguette Posted April 3, 2012 Share Posted April 3, 2012 Just as you would break up and stop all contact with a boyfriend, you should do the same with him. The only way to get over somebody is to get them out of your life (and your head). Link to post Share on other sites
Author findthelight Posted April 4, 2012 Author Share Posted April 4, 2012 To those that didn't really read the OP, they were clear in asking how to cut it off. As I see it, there are a few options: 1. Cold turkey. Pros: quick and simple. Cons: Somewhat cowardly and inconsiderate. Given your closeness, you probably owe him at least some kind of explanation. 2. Make something up. Pros: Gentler than (1). Cons: It's deceitful and it's hard to come up with a convincing story. 3. Straight up honesty. Pros: The morally superior option. It may be hard, but you'll thank yourself later down the track for it. Cons: The truth sometimes hurts. He may not react well. 4. Slowly withdraw, insofar as replying less frequently, being brief but polite but not overly warm. Pros: The prolonged disinterest will hopefully let both sides down more gradually. But it's only marginally better than (1) or (2) in my opinion. Cons: Same as (1) in that he probably deserves a proper reason, and it also might not work. Thank you so very much for this response. I'm very grateful for your time and thoughtfulness. After consideration I agree that the most honorable way to go is straight up honesty. It will hurt me, and it will confuse him, but I think I need to treat it like ripping off a bandaid - it'll sting at first but the pain won't last. Thanks again to everyone who responded, you've given me a lot of clarity. Link to post Share on other sites
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