blahdeeblah Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 My boyfriend is an ESTJ on the Meyers-Briggs test....he has taken the official version and I knew he was this type before he ever took the test. I have only taken abridged, free versions and always come up as INFP, occasionally INFJ...but know from the description of each component that I most closely fit INFP. So....we're total opposites!! According the compatibility chart on the socionics website, we're "conflicting" and the description for such is pretty accurate. :/ If, for sh*ts and giggles, I match up INFJ with ESTJ....or INFP with ENTJ (I think bf has leanings toward this one, and indeed, scored lowest on S on his test)....we get the supervisor/supervisee pairing.....which also sounds eerily accurate. It often feels like we speak completely different languages. There are things about his whole personality that I find to be incredibly irritating and disheartening (and i'm sure he can say the same for me). He is insensitive in ways/at times when I need him to be sensitive to something b/c how I am responding to/processing something is innately who I am, and instead, does the OPPOSITE of what I need in that moment of vulnerability. Not b/c he doesn't care or is being mean.....he just literally doesn't get it. His brain is SO wired to care about more practical, wordly concerns....that he is often just UNABLE to operate on the same channel and gets VERY impatient when things are not literal, straightforward or logical enough for him. It often leaves me feeling very alone, ashamed and misunderstood. And often, understanding is only reached w/ excessive amounts of verbal explanation (something I'm not good at when it comes to feelings and especially not in the heat of the moment when I just want to be UNDERSTOOD). This goes for him too....he often has to over explain why something that seems painfully trivial to me is important to him, or why he needs something from me that I would never in a millions years need for myself. In some ways, I definitely think we compliment each other. I love his enthusiasm, his confidence, his dependability (he's truly my rock), his ability to see the big picture, how he jumps head first and gets things done....I am a dreamer and his practical, reality based outlook + his extremely ambitious nature has definitely grounded me and made me more productive in effective ways.....and while I find it VERY annoying at times when he doesn't pick up on the things I see about some people (good or bad)....I also love that he doesn't over-read people and is always upbeat, friendly, optimistic, and even a little naive. I tend to over-analyze people and be more pessimistic/suspicious...so he has definitely influenced me positively in that way. He also encourages and inspires me to stand up for myself and be heard....something I'm also not innately good at. All of those things also cause friction too though....and I can't stand the micro-managing, impatience, or attempt at applying logic to every. single. thing. I also can't stand how he can be blind to subtle emotional cues, that he sometimes seems cocky, or how his domineering nature undermines the encouragement he gives me and leaves me feeling passive and incompetent. He can't stand that I'm always late, miss details, don't take practical considerations into account enough and always want to do what I FEEL, or how I frequently change my mind about things. Is this a relationship that's doomed? Or can we learn to accept the differences, work around them, and grow from them? Are we just TOO different for that? Sorry this is so long, btw...thanks for reading if you made it this far. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 Who cares about the MBTI test? Though you have only posted here 7 times (), not once have you mentioned even a slight area of satisfaction, equality, compatibility or happiness in your relationship. It sounds dismal. What difference does a formal test make? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blahdeeblah Posted February 2, 2012 Author Share Posted February 2, 2012 Mme. Chaucer, thanks for your reply. I think it just makes all the differences seem much more "offical" so it makes me feel even less like the differences will ever be overcome. However, it also reinforces the reasons I am still in the relationship and what I do gain from being around his personality. I guess it just validates everything. :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 2, 2012 Share Posted February 2, 2012 MBTI speaks only to how people gather and process information, not how what they value or what they enjoy or how they are in relationships. MBTI can help you each learn how to work with the way the other gathers and processes information (they way they communicate), but it won't tell you much more than that in terms of the most basic relationship compatibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blahdeeblah Posted February 3, 2012 Author Share Posted February 3, 2012 (edited) Thank you, Star Gazer, for the insight. I guess that's what I'm wondering.....are these personality differences something we can learn to work around? Is it possible to learn someone else's "language" and respond in the ways they that they need? It seems that in many relationships where two people are opposites....they are successful b/c they naturally pick up where the other person leaves off. One person's weaknesses are the other person's strengths and vice versa. It seems we do have this (when we're not killing each other), but it seems in other "opposites" relationships, there is a common thread of natural empathy -- despite the differences. And THAT is where I fear we're majorly lacking and will always be lacking until this either blows up in our faces, or we just become completely disconnected and drift apart. I feel like the best we will each ever be able to do is to just understand that the other person is different, and then go about mechanically offering what the other person needs without ever being able to really relate. Can that work? And can that even really be done consistently? I do feel like there is maybe a trade off. He is always direct and straightforward about his feelings -- no games, no sarcasm, no guessing, he's always looking out for me in his practical, dependable ways,....sometimes he goes overboard w/ doing things for me (i'm not a brain dead invalid, afterall), but I know that this is his way of showing how deeply he cares. My ex was more on my emotional wavelength, always responding with exactly the right touch or tone at the right time....but very undependable, too emotional, lazy, very passive aggressive....always in the clouds, dreaming and always looking around at the grass on the other side..... So I DO really appreciate my bf's good qualities...I feel pretty sure he can't have those qualities without some other things being sacrificed...the reason he has those qualities is the reason he DOESN'T have others. :/ But can two extremes work together...? Or is it ultimately just fruitless effort? Edited February 3, 2012 by blahdeeblah Link to post Share on other sites
GG3 Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 Oh boy! You are very analytical. It makes me smile as I am a software engineer and analytical as well. (INTP speaking here.) Have the same MBTI type is not everything and sometimes can be a bad thing. Before my aunt entered her second marriage, she and her future husband went to a marriage counselor. They have been married over 20 years now and are in their sixties. They had the exact same type. The counselor told them that at their age, that will work for them. But if they been together younger, their personalities would not have grown or developed more and it would not have been good for them to be together. MBTI categories aren't necessarily black and white which it sounds like you understand from reading your postings. The fact that your boyfriend scored lowest on his S says that while that may he dominate trait, he has a good number of N traits which works in your favor. In MBTI the letters that seem to matter most in pairings are the N/S and the T/F. That tends to dictate your communication style. All of that aside...I think MBTI is pretty minor compared to other things that will make your relationship work. Compatibilities, equality, happiness, such as someone said here are very important. What kind of relationship skills you both have to bring to the table I feel are more important than anything. And who can define chemistry and what attracts two people? If you ever watched millionaire matchmaker much (I recommend watching some of the old episodes...you will find that she is doing personality matches) you will discover she sometimes picks people will big differences because she knows that it will create some sparks or they will help each other grow. So my own two cents to answer your question is...absolutely yes, you both can work together. But I think your ability to be together will be more more on the other things I mentioned above and your relationship skills. How you both treat each other, what you are both looking for in someone else, how you both deal with problems, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
GG3 Posted February 5, 2012 Share Posted February 5, 2012 So now I'm wondering why so much analysis? You must really like this guy and are scared? Discovered that you are different types and that scares you? Or you were already on the fence and are looking for reasons as to why it might not work out? Link to post Share on other sites
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