I hate you Fleshlight!!

[AppleGirl]

I need opinions...

 

Me, 37. Bf, 38. Common law for 3 years. We have had severe issues with his porn usage in the past. We have had issues with his lying to me in the past. We have had issues with him texting/chatting with other women in the past.

 

Fast forward to today...and we have been living in peaceful harmony for awhile. No more porn issues, no more texting other women, no more lying.

 

Or so I thought.

 

Today while cleaning out the basement, I came upon two brand new Fleshlights, hidden inside a hiking backpack. I was moving it and it felt heavy, so I opened it to see what was in it, and Tadaaaaaa!

 

I am not upset at the fact that he bought the Fleshlights but I am pissed at the fact that he hid them from me and didn't mention them at all.

 

We had agreed to be completely honest and open with one another after all the crap and counselling we went through before. And now it feels like he is lying to me again. I know it is only a Fleshlight but then it makes me wonder, what else is he hiding from me?????

 

I confronted him about it this morning and after arguing for 3 hours, we have not spoken since. I am so angry and hurt. I feel deceived...again.

 

What do you think?

[somedude81]

Hey, don't hate the fleshlight. She's not the villain here.

 

It sounds like your BF has some issues.

 

Three hours is a long time to argue...

[AppleGirl]

I agree that he has issues, I just don't know what to do about it. I have already been divorced in the past and the thought of having to divide my life in half is not something I want to go through again.

 

We did not argue for 3 hours straight. It was more of a everyone to their corners for a time out and then back to discuss and argue. I cried for most of it, actually. I cannot believe that he lied and hid this from me.....and that is the real issue here, not the Fleshlights.

[Art_Critic]

I'm coming into this thread a bit late so forgive me if I missed something relevant.

Is he not allowed to buy a fleshlight ?

Why is it that he is not allowed to have his own privacy regarding his own masturbation..

 

I get that you are hurt that he didn't tell you he bought them but in all reality should he have had to ?

 

I wouldn't be hurt if my wife bought something and didn't tell me..

I would just think that she wanted her privacy around that particular matter.

 

You both don't seem to be on the same page.

 

Give and take has to come from both sides when clearing the air and if you can't see his side of it and he can't see your side of it then you are at a stalemate and not resolving anything.

 

On a side note.. why do you think he bought 2 of them ? did he explain that ? maybe he has an issue with buying and money and that is why he didn't tell you about the purchase. just wondering out loud...

[AppleGirl]

Yes, he can buy one if he likes, that is not really the issue. The issue is hiding them and not telling me.

 

We have had a past full of him lying and hiding things. Lying about texting other women. Lying about chatting with other women on FB. Lying about sending flirty messages to women he'd previously had relationships with. Lying about his obsessive porn watching(I'm not talking about occassionally watching here, I'm talking about watching porn for hours and hours every single day, downloading files it to his computer to watch later when I am alseep, watching porn when he's watching our 5 small children and I am out, watching porn when it is family time on the weekends. It was out of hand. And furthermore, he could not orgasm during sex unless we were doing something extremely dirty. It got so bad that I had to "out porn" the porn, in order for him to cum.)

 

So, after going to counselling, we agreed to FULL disclosure about everything and being truthful with one another.

 

To have him hiding and lying, once again, is really the issue here. Not the Fleshlights.

[johan]

"Fleshlight"?! Ha ha ha.. what self-respecting guy would buy one of those?

 

I think you now know what you can dress up as for Halloween. That would really get his goat. I suggest you just let it drop until then. Then when people ask what you are, be coy and let him explain it.

 

I'm not saying it's true in this case, but some otherwise upstanding guys can be compelled to be a bit dishonest when they feel persecuted. If he feels like he's not getting much acceptance for who he really is, and he can't change it, then he's bound to become a bit sneaky.

 

Honestly though... If he's planting his flag on his right to buy and need to have fleshlights, his priorities might be a bit off.

[Art_Critic]

So, after going to counselling, we agreed to FULL disclosure about everything and being truthful with one another.

 

To have him hiding and lying, once again, is really the issue here. Not the Fleshlights.

 

I get it now.. what did he have to say about it ? You mentioned that you argued for hours so he must not think the backpack of fleshlights fell under the full disclosure rule.

Did he buy them since the MC ?

 

With all the issues he has with compulsion it would stand to reason that buying and money is also a compulsion of his, which may be why he hid it.

I know that you are focused on the porn but it may be porn isn't the only issue.

The lying by the way comes from someone hiding their addiction/compulsion.

It's part of the denial process that they live in about the issue.

[Art_Critic]

I think you now know what you can dress up as for Halloween. That would really get his goat. I suggest you just let it drop until then. Then when people ask what you are, be coy and let him explain it.

 

I'm not saying it's true in this case, but some otherwise upstanding guys can be compelled to be a bit dishonest when they feel persecuted. If he feels like he's not getting much acceptance for who he really is, and he can't change it, then he's bound to become a bit sneaky.

 

Honestly though... If he's planting his flag on his right to buy and need to have fleshlights, his priorities might be a bit off.

 

 

Johan has a point.... but then again, like Johan said.. his priorities are also off...

[FeelingSmall]

I kinda relate to this only from his stand point. I bought a vibrator and didn't tell my bf about it. I want sex a lot more than he does. It's just for the times he's not around or not interested. I don't really see it as lying and I also "hide" mine. I don't want it out in the open, I hide it very very well. Mostly because we tend to have lots of visitors and some are kids. I don't want anyone stumbling across it.

 

I understand how you feel given everything in the past but I think you're jumping the gun a bit. I'd much rather have sex with my bf than a toy but if he's not game, I still am horny... I'm sure your husband would rather have sex with you.

[Eddie Edirol]

Applegirl, he didnt tell you prolly because he wanted to avoid a long talk that wasnt necessary. He would have to tell you that he needs it to satisfy him when you wont, then he'd have to talk to you about your feelings, how youre hurt, and then you'd bring up what if he got used to the fleshlight and didnt enjoy sex with you anymore. he doesnt want to deal with all this, its a pain in the ass. I assume you two are both really busy with both your families, he might be too tired to bother when he knows it will start an argument that wont be a compromise. A compromise that he'd want being- you give him more sex.

 

Now if he refuses to romance you, and thats why you dont have sex with him more, then you need to fix THAT issue with him, and you could probably eliminate his addictions altogether. If youre not attracted to him anymore, then this relationship is over. he will not stop feeding his addiction if you dont give him more sex. So no matter how much councelling you get, this is going to pop up one way or another. If you dont wan to divide your life in half again, and you want this to stop, you have to tell him what to do to turn you on for him to get more sex. Thats all there is to it.