are we incompatible? or is it something more?

[blahdeeblah]

hello....i'm not really sure where to start......my bf and i have been together 3 years and are both close to 30 now. basically, i'm scared we want different things and/or something is completely imbalanced.

 

1) i feel like he makes all the rules and sets ALL the limits. he will be in a position very soon where he will be making a lot money and i'm scared this will only make things worse. my profession is in design and i'll most likely never make more than a very measely salary.

 

there are paths i have considered pursuing....set design (for movie sets) is one. however, from talking to individuals in that line of work, you can potentially be away for very long periods of time...like 6 months with only a day off every week or so and in a location away from home. bf says no to this..."a relationship doesn't work like that". he says i can pursue it, but i'll have to make a choice - that or him. however, the line of work he is getting into requires him to be on the road every week and work very long hours. i will see him on the weekends, basically. and his long term goals are that he wants to move into politics after that....doing something that requires very long hours and travel, again.

 

if i raise any objection to this, he gets really upset, tells me i'm not being supportive, and says that no one is going to hold him back. yet, i feel held back by him. when i remind him that i let go of pursuing something i was interested in, he says "b/c 6 months is unreasonable." and "i'm ok with seeing you less often if it means also having other things i want. that's MY limit and i think that IS reasonable". according to him, it's HIS time and he owes none of it to anyone....but the same sure doesn't seem to apply to me and MY time.

 

2) another issue that ties into this sort of.....i'm passionate about design. i have ALWAYS dreamed of someday having a house that i can do whatever i want with. our taste is very different....and being the kind of person that needs to be in charge of things like he is, i'm really scared i will just be miserable. how my home is decorated and being able to change things around and try things out (i enjoy finding things at the flea market and fixing them up -- i don't need expensive things), is EXTREMELY important to me.

 

he doesn't believe in letting me do as i please if he paid for the house. so, even though his paycheck will be substantially greater than mine (he could buy the entire house and would still be extremely comfortable.....i would have to scrimp and save and sacrifice for something MUCH smaller), i will still have to pay for our entire house if that's what i want.

 

i on the other hand, feel like if someone truly loves, cares about, respects and understands you, they sometimes suck it up and let you have the things that are truly very important to you. they see what happiness it will bring you and, if they are in the position to give that to you, they do b/c they love you. he tells me this is completely wrong and it's wrong of me to expect that. he also tells me that he feels "used" and that i'm acting like a gold digger.

 

i find this EXTREMELY insulting, as i view a gold digger as someone who doesn't care about the person they're with, or cares more about their money or is seeking status. i am NOT after his money. i don't want expensive things. i cared about him deeply before he even had money. i just want to be able to do what makes me happy and something just seems wrong to me that i can't get understanding from the person who is supposed to love and care about me, and instead, have to pay for our entire house with my small paycheck, when the person i'm with could get us something better and with a lot less financial sacrifice. it just seems weird to me.

 

am i wrong? am i acting "entitled" as he frequently tells me? i don't think this is about the money, but he tells me it is. i just want to be able to finally have something that makes me happy, with or without him....but it seems like someone in my life who cares about me and is in the position to help with that would WANT to. it also seems unfair that he decides how much time is enough for us to spend together (among many other things). are we just too different?

[creighton0123]

You are not compatible. He is cold and dismissive. The way you describe him makes it seem as though he wants you as a toy he can pick up whenever he desires. Relationships don't work that way. In a relationship, both partners elevate the other and make one another better individuals. He seems to do the exact opposite: hitting the pause button on your life until he wants you to entertain him again.

 

If you want to decorate the house you buy together and it will make you very happy - and if he is impartial about how any future house would be decorated - he looses nothing in enabling your happiness.

 

He is controlling and you are free spirited. If he weren't also stubborn, you might be perfectly compatible a la Dharma and Greg. As it stands, you don't seem to be and you are suffering for it.

 

You can find someone better.