I have a crush on guy I've always bullied (any )

[Kaylea]

I've always had a crush on this guy (let's called him Joe) way back in 5th grade till now. However, I've always bullied him verbally, emotionally and once humiliated in front of the whole class at the gym. Overall I've been bullying him from 5th to 10th grade. Only this year I haven't done anything.

 

It's just that I was undergoing insecurity issues and never wanted anyone to know this but I've always love him. Is there a chance we can at least be friends? How things I can say to make him feel better and get to know me better, see beyond the bully he probably still has in his mind.

 

I need suggestions because I only got until next year and that's my last chance.

[Kaylea]

So should I just start a normal conversation with him and go on from there? Will he bring this back up (since I haven't done nor say any mean things this year)?

 

Will he eventually see the real me, the girl behind the mean mask but with feeling on the inside?

 

I want to get this off my chest and make things right. Should I say my true feelings to him? Help.... any suggestions....

[Kaylea]

Oh one last thing... can we at least be friends? Will he forgive me for everything I done to him if I just reveal to him why I was acting that way?

[KR10N]

Funny how bullies are always the insecure ones. That's elementary stuff, kid. By high school you really should know better. If I were this guy I wouldn't socialise w/ you to any extent. If you really want to make things better for him then by all means apologise. If I were you, I wouldn't give him any silly excuses. Just say, "I was a dumb kid & eventually we have to grow up." He might accept your apology if you're sincere but any chance of friendship is probably hopeless.

[carhill]

Do something I've rarely experienced a woman doing in my 52 on this rock.... apologize for being a bully.

 

Accept the results.

[Kaylea]

Do something I've rarely experienced a woman doing in my 52 on this rock.... apologize for being a bully.

 

Accept the results.

Ok, at the same time it would really suck if he walks away or ends up saying something like ''go to hell''.

 

It would be I've worked up finally being sincere and get turned down terribly. I know this can happen (think it's likely) but I guess at least I got it off my chest.

 

Then the other result can happen, he might accept it and go on from there.

 

Gonna write down what I'll say before saying it to him.

[KR10N]

Ok, at the same time it would really suck if he walks away or ends up saying something like ''go to hell''.

 

It would be I've worked up finally being sincere and get turned down terribly. I know this can happen (think it's likely) but I guess at least I got it off my chest.

 

Then the other result can happen, he might accept it and go on from there.

 

Gonna write down what I'll say before saying it to him.

I wouldn't ramble too much, he might do just as you say & get the hell out of Dodge.

[Kaylea]

Think I have the speech now.

Me: Hi (Joe) can we talk because I gotta say something but in private?

Joe follows and we meet there

Me: I just wanted to say I was a dumb kid and that I've always had a crush on you from the time, I apologize for everything and it's ok if you don't accept it

Then leave it there and wait for him to answer.

 

How does this sounds?

[Kaylea]

I wouldn't ramble too much, he might do just as you say & get the hell out of Dodge.

True and it would suck. I think I'll be crying by then.

 

Or what if I just write a letter and get one of my friends to send it to him and explain pretty similar to what I wrote as my speech?

[carhill]

Did you bully him in letters?

 

Here's some really good advice: Talk to your parents. Parents may seem old and dumb but they're not. Most are really wise and have learned a lot in life.

[Kaylea]

Did you bully him in letters?

No, I would bullied him in person. Once in 6th grade it got to the point I made him cried at the bus and certain people (though not many) were laughing.

Here's some really good advice: Talk to your parents. Parents may seem old and dumb but they're not. Most are really wise and have learned a lot in life.

I never had a very closed relationship with my mother but my father basically pretty much similar to what you said, to just apologize and if he harshly rejects me, I'll have to accept it as it is.

[Houndsoflove]

No, I would bullied him in person. Once in 6th grade it got to the point I made him cried at the bus and certain people (though not many) were laughing.

 

Making someone cry in front of people while they laughed? Wow. You sound like a f*cking terrible person. If i were him i would think you were pulling a prank, and never trust a word you say. do you understand you've made 5 years of his life a living hell? there are a lot of young kids who don't know better who would consider ending their life because of **** like this.

[Citizen Erased]

Think I have the speech now.

Me: Hi (Joe) can we talk because I gotta say something but in private?

Joe follows and we meet there

Me: I just wanted to say I was a dumb kid and that I've always had a crush on you from the time, I apologize for everything and it's ok if you don't accept it

Then leave it there and wait for him to answer.

 

How does this sounds?

I wouldn't tell him of your crush. It makes you sound like you're playing a joke on him or are only apologising so you can get something out of it, eg a boyfriend.

 

In person, pull him aside and apologise to him sincerely. Don't hope for anything more than a **** you from him, but who knows. You may actually save him some therapy later in life by apologising now.

[Trimmer]

No, I would bullied him in person. Once in 6th grade it got to the point I made him cried at the bus and certain people (though not many) were laughing.

 

OK, so here's the thing. You have really two issues here. One is your attraction to this guy, and the other is that you tormented him for quite a long time.

 

We can't make a lot of detailed assumptions here, just from what you've said so far, so we can't know just how much - and how negatively - you've affected his life. But you should probably be prepared for the possibility that he won't like you, and the possibility that there's nothing you can do to change his opinion of you, regarding your attraction to him.

 

That's the romantic part. But then there's the tormenting part, and you need to address that part for its own sake, not just because you are attracted to him. You probably can't fix what you've broken, let alone hope for him to be attracted to you romantically, however, if you are ready to try to at least change yourself, start doing the right thing, and become a better person than you have been - and you truly have the guts to do that - then you should apologize to him. Not because now you like him and you want him to like you, but because you recognize that you tormented him and that calls for a sincere apology.

 

No excuses - you need to go in truly understanding what you did wrong, and you should say it, outright and genuine, with remorse, empathy, and no excuses.

 

And then, as uncomfortable as it may be for you, and as much as you don't want to be rejected, you need to let him talk, and listen if he has something to say. Because one of the things you did while you were bullying him was you diminished his voice. This may be the hardest part for you, but you need to allow him his voice now. He may have some harsh things to say to you, but you dumped on him for 5 years; he deserves to have his say now.

 

Like I said, that may be really hard for you, and you may get defensive just by reflex and want to argue back, especially if he starts trash talking you. But you need to let him talk, and you need to listen; you need to let him unburden the load you've dumped on him, and carry some of it yourself without complaining.

 

In a way, if he just trash-talks you - just dumps on you out of pent-up anger - that is going to be almost easier to take than the alternative.... Because if he really opens up his heart and quietly explains how you've hurt him, that may be even harder for you to bear. If you're truly a better person now than that bully you used to be, if you truly have the ability and the willingness to empathize and understand his experience, it will probably break your heart to hear him tell it.

 

But whichever way it goes, he deserves the chance to say it, and you owe it to him to stand in front of him, meet his eye, and listen.

 

And if you can bring yourself to do it, you might finally ask for his forgiveness some day, but do not expect it. It is his to give, if and when he is ready, and not yours to expect.

 

I think you know what this "better person" looks like - this person that you imagine you'd like to be. You won't get there without doing some hard work, but I really hope for you that you find the strength and courage to stand up and do it.

 

...my father basically pretty much similar to what you said, to just apologize and if he harshly rejects me, I'll have to accept it as it is.

 

Indeed, there's no telling how he will respond. Maybe it isn't such a big deal any more. Maybe he listened to some good advice along the way that if a girl was paying this much attention to him that it was pretty clear that she was attracted to him, but just expressing it with the low maturity level of a middle-schooler. Or maybe he really was badly hurt by it. All you can do is apologize, ask forgiveness, listen - really listen - and then, as your dad said, accept the outcome.

 

Maybe he'll be more merciful than you were...

Edited July 27, 2011 by Trimmer

[KR10N]

I wouldn't tell him of your crush. It makes you sound like you're playing a joke on him or are only apologising so you can get something out of it, eg a boyfriend.

Exactly! Don't apologise in hopes of getting a boyfriend, that's a selfish move. If you really want to make yourself feel better, you'll have to apologise to him. No mentioning of attraction at all.

[Forever Learning]

I agree with the other posters. You need to apologize, listen to what he has to say in response (if anything), and then just give it time to see how he treats you in the future and if there is any possibility of a basic friendship beginning in the future.

 

No matter what, step 1 is - you need to sincerely apologize to him for the bullying for so many years. Do that much, and don't worry about anything else for the time being. He may WATCH YOU thereafter (from the sidelines, or even through second hand knowledge of other people who see you daily, through the grapevine so to speak - )to see HOW YOU TREAT OTHERS in the future.

 

To see if you are a liar or if you are legit.

 

To see if you have truly changed to be a better, kinder person or not.

 

These things take time to heal. Apologize, be a good person to everyone you encounter in life. Good things will happen for you in the future once you no longer bully people and instead, help people. This is a law of the universe, it is FOR REAL.

 

It's called karma. Give it a try, it works and you will be glad you did. He may never choose to be your boyfriend, but another guy may see and like the new you, and want to get to know you better. That's karma too. Good luck and congratulations to you for growing up and being a better person now, I'm really proud of you for changing for the better.

[carhill]

No, I would bullied him in person. Once in 6th grade it got to the point I made him cried at the bus and certain people (though not many) were laughing.

I never had a very closed relationship with my mother but my father basically pretty much similar to what you said, to just apologize and if he harshly rejects me, I'll have to accept it as it is.

Yes, I surmised that. A good rule is, if you offended someone in person, then you apologize in person. This will become especially important when you begin to have mature intimate relationships as you get older. It's part of healthy communication and a good rule to follow in general.

 

Good on you for talking with your father. Hope it works out.

[Joe Normal]

So should I just start a normal conversation with him and go on from there? Will he bring this back up (since I haven't done nor say any mean things this year)?

 

Will he eventually see the real me, the girl behind the mean mask but with feeling on the inside?

 

I want to get this off my chest and make things right. Should I say my true feelings to him? Help.... any suggestions....

 

Is this a troll post? With all the available other women around, why would any guy want to pick an insecure bully who made his life a misery? Unless he's a genuine masochist, you have no chance.

[Lucas_ip]

Is this a troll post? With all the available other women around, why would any guy want to pick an insecure bully who made his life a misery? Unless he's a genuine masochist, you have no chance.

If she's hot then I don't think it wouldn't matter that much and he might forgive. Perhaps he already knows it and is just playing dumb.

 

I mean come on if a girl keeps bothering a guy at school is typically because she likes him. Dead giveway

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't think you should expect anything from him after how you treated him, if you could apologise and tell him why you bullied him, so he's clear on that, that might be helpful to him, but you don't really deserve anything more than that.

Are you only apologising because you want something from him now? Shouldn't you be apologising anyway, no matter what you want from the situation?

It might take more than one apology for him to feel at all better about the way you treated him, usually takes time and effort for someone to learn to trust them after you've abused or bullied them, some will never be able to forgive, and no-one ever forgets it.

 

If you were apologising purely for his sake than I would applaud that.

[Ross MwcFan]

Why on Earth would someone bully someone they loved, or liked a lot?

 

Can you explain that please?

 

I mean, sure, you said you bullied him because you were insecure. But why didn't you choose someone else to bully who you didn't love?

[Trimmer]

Why on Earth would someone bully someone they loved, or liked a lot?

 

Can you explain that please?

 

I mean, sure, you said you bullied him because you were insecure. But why didn't you choose someone else to bully who you didn't love?

Interesting question, and a valid one.

 

When you see aggression, look for fear.

 

As young kids start to develop towards puberty, the instinctive feelings of sexual attraction start to swirl around, gradually at first. Without a conscious ability to process and recognize these feelings, that generates a dissonance - what the hell is happening to me when I'm around Johnathan? (And it's probably not even that conscious itself - this likely all plays out at a subconscious level.) This dissonance is uncomfortable and the tendency is to defend oneself from it, so you reject the thing that is causing you discomfort. One way of doing that is to poke it, prod it, dehumanize it, whatever you need to do to try to remove it as a source of irritation.

 

Note, I'm not saying this particular scenario is the source of ALL bullying - not by far.

 

But for ages, adolescents have been poking, teasing, isolating, antagonizing, and showing didsain toward each other as they weather discomfort around their developing gender and sexual roles. In some cases they withdraw, in others they tend to the opposite extreme, and everything inbetween.

 

Not saying I'm sure this is exactly the case here, but it's one explanation to consider. Developing adolescents exhibit weird behaviors as they try to figure out what is happening to them, physically and emotionally, as they ascend into (we hope) stable adulthood.

[Kaylea]

Well good news is he didn't send me to hell nor trashed me (he didn't seem upset but said it was ok) but the bad news is he figured this out and I didn't even mentioned anything about it. I think someone told him. Or did I made it so obvious?

Why on Earth would someone bully someone they loved, or liked a lot?

 

Can you explain that please?

For the same reason, because I always loved him. It made me stronger at the time and that way no one (not even him) would know my real feelings for him. I was about to be nice one time in 7th grade but decided not to.

 

I mean, sure, you said you bullied him because you were insecure. But why didn't you choose someone else to bully who you didn't love?

Because I didn't care about the others. If I didn't love someone then it was pointless.

[Kaylea]

Maybe it isn't such a big deal any more. Maybe he listened to some good advice along the way that if a girl was paying this much attention to him that it was pretty clear that she was attracted to him, but just expressing it with the low maturity level of a middle-schooler.

 

Maybe he'll be more merciful than you were...

Yup this is what happened. He knew it but think someone told him.

[Trimmer]

Well good news is he didn't send me to hell nor trashed me (he didn't seem upset but said it was ok) but the bad news is he figured this out and I didn't even mentioned anything about it. I think someone told him. Or did I made it so obvious?

You know, it's kinda obvious all by itself. I had a kind of a milder version of that happening to me when I was about 12 years old, and I think my mom pointed it out to me - when someone of the opposite sex pays *that much* attention to you, well, duh...

 

So it probably wasn't that the particular way you paid attention to him made it obvious, it was simply the fact that you did pay all that attention to him.

 

For the same reason, because I always loved him. It made me stronger at the time and that way no one (not even him) would know my real feelings for him.

Like I said, discomfort, and fear of your own feelings...

 

So did you get to the point of admitting your feelings of attraction? Or did you do an apology, and he said "yeah, I figured you had a crush on me" before you could say it?

 

Did you do an apology?

 

And in the end, you didn't say was where you stand now - is there any chance of any interest on his part? How did you leave it?