klind1970 Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 My wife and I have been married for almost 12 years this coming January. We married young, you know the story. Well anyways we have two beautiful children that we both love. Over the years we have both closed ourselves off from romance and communication. We both wanted love and companionship, but did not know how to talk to each other to get it. This finally came to a head about a month ago when she started talking to this guy in her church youth group. She says that he showed her how exciting life can be and that she was due for a change in hers. A few weeks later she told me she wanted a divorce and she wasn't in love with me and hasn't been for quite a while. The funny thing about this is that I thought the same thing for such a long time because of the lack of love and companionship from her. Needless to say, this revelation broke a wall down somewhere in my brain and I have fallen to pieces. I just couldn't believe this was happening to me and my family. I have tried to provide for my family the best that I could. The past few years however have put me in a state of depression that I seem to be only know starting to come out of. We are both a mess!!!! She is seeing two different counselors and I am starting to see one in the next week. The one good thing about this mess is that she wants to try to work things out. I don't know if that is what she really wants though. We have been getting along much better in the last week, resulting in her not asking me to move out. I have been praying a whole lot, that this will get better daily. I think my real worry is that I have found these emotions and feelings now and it might be to late!!! It is tearing me apart when I try to look into her eyes and I see nothing there in response. I just want to reach out and hug her and tell her that I love her tremendously, but I am afraid that she will reject it. There are many more circumstances envolved here too. My wife suffers from severe anxiety and depression. She wants me to take things slow, but I am having a hard time doing that. I just feel like I love her so much and want to show her my affection. I realize that I have to make up for many years of neglect, but I am willing to do whatever it takes. I could really use some advice, if anyone has gone through something similar to this. Any help will be appreciated........... Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted November 3, 2003 Share Posted November 3, 2003 Many years of neglect? That speaks louder than anything else you wrote. You need to face how and what you neglected. Women want action and not just "I love you and will do anything to get you back" T A L K. Actions are what counts. If you could talk about the neglect, maybe more people could help you out here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klind1970 Posted November 5, 2003 Author Share Posted November 5, 2003 I guess you could say I started from the very beginning. I was only 20 when we got married so I was kind of bitter about that. I started to shut her out and not allow her back into my heart until recently. I guess after a few years of this she started shutting herself off as well. I just kind of gave up after a while, because I just figured that my wife was having problems in her life that didn't have anything to do with me. I kind of let her fall on a deaf ear... When she came to me a month ago and said that she was tired of this relationship and that she deserved to have love and romance, it really threw me for a loop. I had shut my feelings off so long ago, not realizing that we both wanted the same things... We both are at fault somewhat!! We never took the time to communicate with each other what we wanted from each other in our relationship... I know now that I have not been the greatest husband in the world, but I am willing to try anything to win her love back... I am trying to be the husband and father that I have never been before. I am trying to prove something to myself as well as my wife and children. Our marriage counselor says it might take anywhere from 6 months to a year to see where we are in our relationship. That's a long time, but I guess my wife has been waiting for 12 years and it is a small price to pay...thanks for comments angel!!!!!your right talk is all that, just TALK!!!! I have been really trying to show her with my actions, I just have to keep it up and not fall backward...... Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted November 5, 2003 Share Posted November 5, 2003 It sounds to me like you are on the road to fixing your marriage. It is never to late to begin trying. Show her you love her with actions. Watch other happily married men and try to learn from them. Don't give up. I hope it all works out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klind1970 Posted November 6, 2003 Author Share Posted November 6, 2003 Thanks for the advice angel. I hope you are right!!! I am really trying hard to prove through my actions that my love for her is strong. Our marriage counselor says it might take anywhere from six months to a year for her feelings to come back or not... I've just got to convince myself that I can remain strong for that long and be patient. will keep everyone up to date on what's going on. Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted November 6, 2003 Share Posted November 6, 2003 I've found that the key to a happy marriage is this: Never ever stop dating your mate. One thing that kills a marriage is when you stop courting your mate. You buy all these gifts, candies, roses, cards, make plans to go to all of these places when you are dating, get married, and feel that now that person is obligated to love you forever, and suddenly all those things you did to get that person stops. What happens then is that the neglected mate feels resentful and feel like you are no longer the person they thought they knew, and worse, they feel like you are the person they didn't marry. Remember, all of those things you did when you were dating each other is what made her fall in love with you in the first place. It's not about the gifts, or roses or whatever you gave her, it's what they mean and what they give her:assurance of her love, special attention and yes, excitement! Therefore, I urge you to start courting or dating your wife again. Buy her little gifts, cook her dinner, eat by candlelight, take a weekend trip somewhere, surprise her sometimes have intimate conversations just be active in assuring her that she's love and that she's special. I know you're concern about time, but DON'T FORCE IT...women can tell if you're doing things out of guilt or if you're truly doing it because you really love them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klind1970 Posted November 7, 2003 Author Share Posted November 7, 2003 thanks for the advice kd, I am trying to do that now!!! It's just really hard to take it slow. I haven't dated anyone in almost 13 years.... I feel like a 17 year old high school kid going on their first date again. I know deep down though that I've got to take my time and do it right this time. I have just been trying to be real sweet to her and and not be like I was in the past few years. It's hard to think of things to do that are fun, but at the same time not putting to much pressure on her after all we are starting over again like in the beginning....If anyone has any ideas on things to do I sure could use the advice... thanks for all the great advice, it really means a lot to me.... Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted November 9, 2003 Share Posted November 9, 2003 Glad things are doing well between you two. If you're having a trouble finding things to do, you can go to websites such as http://www.Citysearch.com or digitalcity.com to find out what events or attractions are schedule to be in your city. Link to post Share on other sites
Author klind1970 Posted November 9, 2003 Author Share Posted November 9, 2003 thanks again kd, i will try those websites and let you know if I find anything. I did find one thing the other day that i wanted to try, but it didn't work out. I was going to take her to see a musical production of Grease at a local theater. She told me she would love to, but that for some reason right now that it caused her to have anxiety attacks to sit in confined areas like theaters. We took the kids to see Finding Nemo last weekend and see literally sat there the whole time in a trance. I knew something was wrong when the entire audience was laughing and she was just staring at the screen. So I have to find something else right now that is a little bit more spacious and non confining. any suggestions???? I will check those links as well.. talk to you later.... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts