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How do arranged marriages work?


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Just curious. Whereas in Western cultures we marry for love, so speak. Why do arranged ones work, while we have a 50%[?] divorce rate?

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I can't speak from experience being from a western culture myself, but I imagine that arranged marriages have significantly lower expectations. The partners do not expect to be in love, or to make each other happy. The marriage is about creating a family unit and providing for children. There is no idea that a person should leave such a marriage because they are not happy with it or think they might be happier with a different one.

 

We in the West have extremely high expectations of marriage on the other hand. We expect to marry for love. We expect to make each other deliriously happy. Most significantly, we expect these things to last all our lives. If after a few years of marriage one of the partners is no longer deliriously in love, or if they feel that the other person is no longer making them happy, they will often leave. Friends may even encourage this. This is exactly why we have a high divorce rate in this country.

 

Personally, I would like to marry for love. But, I take pretty seriously the words of the standard marriage vow “for better or worse, till death do us part”. I think it is better if married people make the decision to stay together no matter what (barring truly serious problems like drug addiction or physical abuse), whether they feel happy with the relationship at a given time or not. It makes a huge difference when a couple psychologically commits to each other, and decides that they are going to stay no matter what. They are suddenly very motivated to solve problems and find compromises. By contrast, if the couple feels like leaving is no big deal, they will leave as soon as the pain of compromise is greater than the pain of leaving. This makes each person unmotivated to compromise, and makes solving problems more difficult, helping to bring about divorce.

 

Scott

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Just curious. Whereas in Western cultures we marry for love, so speak. Why do arranged ones work, while we have a 50%[?] divorce rate?

 

I'm not in an arranged marriage, but I've married into a culture where arranged marriages are very common and I have close relatives who married that way.

 

As Scott said, I think a main difference is that marriages are not based on 'falling in love' with someone, and so expectations are different. This is often combined with arranged marriages happening in cultures where divorce simply isn't an option in a way that it is in Europe and the US. Divorce in our societies is now 'thinkable' in a way that it wasn't previously, and the reasons considered legitimate to initiate divorce are very different than what they used to be only some decades ago, and from what they are in most societies where arranged marriages are the norm. In a sense, we divorce more because it's possible. This goes back to the point above about commitment - if divorce simply isn't an option, you're also likely to put more work into your marriage. Having said that, I've also seen several arranged marriages where people are genuinely miserable, but they stay together because divorce is 'shameful' and affects not only the social status of the individual, but also his or her immediate family. For example, if you are a young man looking for a wife and have an older brother who is divorced, this might work against you.

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How it works varies between cultures and religious sects. With some it has to do with cousins or families that have grown so close that they want to unite with each other through the marriage of their children. With others it is about matching up people to more evenly spread wealth among the religious community like their own version of "no child left behind". And others it is more a status thing or heavily influenced by dowry. Love is either a frivolous element not worth marrying for or they expect the two will come to love and appreciate each other over time. I think these marriages can work because they are usually heavily aided by their families and community to keep it together. But arranged marriages can also be awful situations smelling more of slavery with one or both of the people suffer through it.

 

Here in the US we are not without arranged marriages, it is just less common. Weddings are also often the focus rather than the life spent after the pomp and finery is over with. Like prom times 10. Too much thought into moving along toward a wedding as THE end goal and too little thought into the fact that the wedding isn't the end. Its suppose to be the beginning. We're also a society of instant gratification. Adultery all around us. Some can't keep themselves from dipping in the pot after swearing to forsake others and it blows up in their faces. Others pile on restrictions that are fear motivated until its just two people with no outside influence stifling each other out and growing to hate the same old stories. We have forgotten the entire point of standing up in front of our family and friends and making such a commitment is so that the people we share it with can act as a support system to the union. We hide our marital problems out of pride rather than asking for help. And others, if they notice something is amiss, they turn away because its not their business.

 

A good middle ground would be nice. The couple chosing each other and the people in their lives helping to keep it on track.

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Just curious. Whereas in Western cultures we marry for love, so speak. Why do arranged ones work, while we have a 50%[?] divorce rate?

 

arranged one work so bad,and I dont like it

now most divorce rate lead to the living style,after married,they find the truth of love

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Just curious. Whereas in Western cultures we marry for love, so speak. Why do arranged ones work, while we have a 50%[?] divorce rate?

arranged marriages work because they are based upon objective criteria, not subjective criteria like "love"...

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threebyfate

I live in a city that has a substantial population of eastern Indians of different religions where arranged marriages aren't unusual. Several times a year, wives are murdered for ridiculous reasons where adultery isn't even the problem although sometimes, it's because the guy wants to marry his mistress. Many times a year, there are news stories of arranged marriage women being stabbed, beaten and/or enslaved within this community. Most often, these women were originally shipped from their motherland so they have no recourse and barely speak or understand English.

 

I'm sorry. I have no sympathy for arranged marriages. From the above paragraph, my view of these types of marriages just gets worse, considering the increased number of incidents as the years go by. My heart goes out to the women in these situations. :(

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In the best cases, the couples learn to love or at least like each other and are happy. In the worst cases, there is abuse, infidelity and even murder. Like other posters have already said, where arranged marriages are common, divorce tends to be frowned upon even in worst-case scenarios because it brings deep shame to the respective spouses and their families.

 

My BF is eastern Indian and he told me the other day that over the last 6 months, his parents tried setting him up several times but he wasn't interested in any of the girls. The last time was shortly before we met. The way he explained it it just seemed like families playing matchmaker--they know a girl they think would be suitable (they do their homework), they give him a picture, contact information, etc. If there's interest then they meet and things progress, if there's none then it's on to the next.

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