Girlfriend so troubled by my past relationship.. :(

[asdfTT123]

Hi guys,

 

I've been dating a girl for almost three months now and it's going very well - we're very in love and serious. However, one big thing that troubles my girlfriend is that fact that she can't seem to get over my past relationship . To give a little bit of background, I dated my first girlfriend for a period of about 5 years (on and off) and we even lived together for a year in a studio apartment sharing the same bed. She has dated two guys before (each for about a year) but is still a virgin. I've dated one person and I'm no longer a virgin, if it matters.

 

I told my girlfriend all there is to know about me, my past, etc but she gets very insecure knowing that I've been with a girl for that period of time and that I've done the things I've done with her (living with her, for example). She told me it even drives her crazy to an extent just thinking about it and she often, very randomly, gets extremely cold towards me and threatens to hold back her feelings towards me. Even though I don't see myself doing anything wrong (I rarely ever bring up my ex after telling her the full story) she will bring it up from time-to-time and the things she says to me or the way she acts usually hurts me...I see it as very unfair to me, at times.

 

However, she knows that I love her very much and I treat her extremely well. Furthermore, she knows I'm a very loyal person and I have a very mature approach to our relationship, but she can't get over it at all. I believe that no matter my past, shouldn't loving and committing myself to my current girlfriend be enough? There's nothing that I can do to change my past and I don't acknowledge that I even did anything wrong dating other people. Another way that I think about it is that the experiences and heartbreak that I've had dating my ex has made me into a much better boyfriend for her. However, she just can't get over it...

 

Could I get some advice as to what I can do? I've reassured her and have been extremely honest with her about my feelings for her being much stronger that I felt towards my ex. It's not enough and I feel like the only thing that can help is time.

 

Also, other girls, can I get your opinion about this? She said her female friends would feel the same way. I can kind of understand, but isn't the fact that she has me now, enough??? Isn't it enough that I'm a good boyfriend to her and I don't have feelings for my ex anymore??? Who would feel the same way?

 

Thanks.

[carhill]

How do your and her perspectives about her virginity match up? How will sex go in your relationship?

 

Google 'retroactive jealousy'

 

I can tell you that a person's prior sexual activities held more importance with myself prior to losing my virginity than after. In general, that was because they had done something I had never done. Any resultant fear was entirely within me and not due to any overt action or word by a partner. As I was a virgin far longer than your girlfriend will likely be, I have a lot more datapoints to share.

 

TBH, I'd set a timeline on sexual intimacy and stick to it and talk through her fears. If your timelines don't match up, consider it irreconcilable and move on. I can tell you, once I did become sexually active, no intimate relationship subsequent was devoid of sex for more than a couple months of dating. It became a necessary part of the relationship for myself. Hope you can process your dynamic in a healthy way for you.

[asdfTT123]

Thanks for the reply but I don't know if sex has anything to do with it...

 

Regarding intimacy, we fool around and do sexual things on a regular basis...just no sex, yet. I'm fine with it and it doesn't really bother me at all because she's still a virgin and she wants to take it slow.

[carhill]

Your girlfriend has likely lived with her parents, at least, perhaps with siblings, perhaps with roommates in college, etc. It was you living with a woman and presumably having sex in that bed which bugs your current GF, simply because she has not experienced that yet with you or anyone, IMO. Ask her that directly to get a direct response. Communication is key, about this issue and relationship issues in general

 

'Does my living with a prior girlfriend and having sex with her bother you? Why?' Listen.

 

'When you bring it up and then act coldly towards me, I feel interrogated and then abandoned. I don't like feeling this way. Can we work on this?' Listen.

[asdfTT123]

Yeah, I understand communication is extremely important. The thing is, I'm a much better communicator that she is. I can't tell you how many times, even in a single day, I've talked to her, asked her open-ended questions, or reassured her of her insecurities. A lot of the time, when I ask her open-endedly about her jealousies towards my ex, she will just look troubled but remain extremely quiet. It takes a lot of energy and encouragement for her to even open up...

 

I've also told her that it feels unfair that I get hurt a lot from her insecurity and sometimes she even deliberately hurts me. This is all because of the jealousy of my past. For example, last night, during Valentine's Day, she said "you want to know the truth? I'm actually not a virgin" just ended up hurting me and makes me extremely upset... Obviously she wasn't being serious, but the fact that she would sink to such extremes just made me feel down for the rest of the night. She acknowledges that she's sorry most of the time and comes back to comfort me, but only when she sees that she's put me in an unhappy state. And she ends up being insecure and hurting me again the very next day...

 

Personally, I'm extremely tolerant and although I don't like being hurt by her insecurities, I can deal with it... The important thing is that she's the more sensitive one and I just want to find a way to help her get over this.

[carhill]

Personally I'd take a break. No need to chase that kind of insecurity, especially when it borders on cruelty. Perhaps the difference between us is that I have decades of tolerating that kind of treatment and that tolerance is used up. At your age, I was more more tolerant and optimistic. Youth has its advantages, I guess.

[denise_xo]

My current partner was very troubled by my past relationships when we met. The context was a bit different but I think some of the same dynamics apply. I reassured him and discussed it with him openly for a fairly long period of time. I then reached a cut off point and said that he either needed to accept that this was part of me and who I was, or we would both need to seek different partners. I think it's great that you are showing patience and understanding, but there is a limit to everything and she also needs to understand that she is potentially damaging your relationship through her behaviour.

[reservoirdog1]

My current partner was very troubled by my past relationships when we met. The context was a bit different but I think some of the same dynamics apply. I reassured him and discussed it with him openly for a fairly long period of time. I then reached a cut off point and said that he either needed to accept that this was part of me and who I was, or we would both need to seek different partners. I think it's great that you are showing patience and understanding, but there is a limit to everything and she also needs to understand that she is potentially damaging your relationship through her behaviour.

 

This.

 

You've done nothing wrong. Everybody has a past, whatever is in it. And as long as you're monogamous, honest with her, and disease free, then you don't owe her either an explanation or an apology for your past. In the interest of hopefully building intimacy with her you've told her about your past, but frankly, that's where your obligation ends. You don't deserve to be taken to task about your past, interrogated about it, made to feel bad about it, or put up with her insulting or angry comments about it.

 

So, I agree with denise -- you need to be firmer about it. True enough, she may well get upset if you're firmer about it. But she needs to understand that there's a limit to how much you're going to talk about, and especially feel bad about, your past, and that the limit is rapidly approaching.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't know, something tells me this isn't about your past, this is about her and her own issues. She probably feels insecure because you took steps with your ex that you have not taken with her yet. Even if she is not ready for those steps (or is she?), she may feel inferior to your ex...like she can't please you the same way.

 

Have you suggested therapy to her? I think she needs to resolve whatever issue she has with herself, you unfortunately can't do it for her. Offer to go to counseling with her for moral support if she is afraid/nervous.

[tman666]

Your girlfriend needs to pull her head out and realize that she's dating someone with a history of monogamy and commitment. She might have cause to be concerned if you had banged 30 (arbitrary number) chicks in the last five years, had a history of cheating, had STDs.

 

She's going to have to get over this on her own (and maybe grow up a little bit), but you can help her out by showing her that you're committed to her, keeping talk about your past to a minimum, and making a genuine attempt to understand why she gets upset. She's probably not purposely trying to make your life hard, but she might need some help to realize that it's not a big deal.

 

Just like others have said, however, if she's going to hold it over your head forever and not work to make it better, then maybe she should find herself on the market again and see what her choices really are...