Strange Situation

[Finnegan]

This is going to be detailed because I want want specific feedback. So bear with me:

 

I live in a very isolated area. It's been hard finding a decent pub. They are either dives or they close down due to lack of business. What I like to do on my off hours is settle down in a nice pub, nurse a few brews & do some reading/thinking. The one pub I frequent at day is no good at night, it turns into a dreadful singles bar - loud & crowded with drunken locals. I discovered a really nice pub near it, though, one that is mostly frequented by the more "bohemian" locals and which is very nice at night. I go there twice a week and pretty much keep to myself, sitting at the bar reading, unless a friend wanders in. The managers, bartenders and staff are all very friendly and it's really the only place I can go to unwind in comfort.

 

However, I have an increasingly uneasy feeling about one of the bartenders and I was hoping to get feedback from women, and hopefully a female bartender.

 

There's one bartender, let's call her Ali, who is starting to make me feel uncomfortable and I'm wondering if I'm going to have to stop frequenting the place, since the only times I can go there coincide with her shifts. She is in her mid 20's and married and has a 2 year old son. She is very beautiful, quite brilliant and an overachiever. I am abt 40 and single.

 

When I go to a pub for the first time I'll usually try to make it enjoyable for whoever my bartender is. I'm good with words & I'll just make it more than usually interesting so they remember me and to put them at ease. Usually they just laugh and get it and that's it. When I first went there back in August, Ali was my bartender and she surprised me by catching on immediately and turning it into a two-man act. She's highly intelligent and has a medical degree, which of course I didn't know. I was pleasantly surprised and we riffed for a while. After getting my drink I settled in with my book; but she kept talking to me and the conversation became personal. It was Sunday & I figured she was bored. It was a nice pub visit and I figured I'd found a really nice place to hang out.

 

However, when I came in next, she continued the conversation as if it hadn't ended, which I found a little odd. But I know that bartenders will sometimes dote on a "new regular" to keep them coming back, so I didn't think anything of it. But the next time I came in I thought her attention was a little unusual. She didn't stop talking to me the whole time I was there, and really, I just wanted to read my book. For a few weeks I was bringing some work with me, editing the ms of a novel I've written. She has a way of getting you to talk even if you don't want to and I found myself asking if she wanted to see the first section, which was finished. People usually say, "no" to that, I only ask as a matter of courtesy. But Ali said she would be "honored". I felt a little twinge then but again told myself it was probably nothing and I did bring her the section.

 

She read a little every night, apparently, and this opened a channel for communication I hadn't anticipated. Using that as an opening, she involved me in many personal conversations and I found myself telling her a lot about myself and hearing an awful lot about her. I'm a very guarded person and I usually have a good grip on how I interact with people but this young woman has a way of winnowing past that and getting me to talk. The first thing she does when she arrives is to greet me and tell me that she's been thinking about me and has lots of things to tell me about. Even if I don't acknowledge her she'll just keep saying hi until I do. I've really started to feel uneasy.

 

She finished the first section of the book, told me the story was "beautiful' and that the characters had "grace", and has asked a few times to the see the rest, which I don't want to do. She'll pretty much come up with any excuse to talk to me and I fear that it is becoming noticeable to others. She asks me about my family and background has told me a lot about hers. I've tried to block her out politely but she seems determined to communicate with me. One night I went into another room to attend a little reception for an artist friend of mine. She came in towards the end and I said nothing to her. But the next time I came in she apologized in case I thought she was ignoring me! She has tried to lend me books (I just tell her I'm too busy reading my own) and to do me other favors.

 

One time I managed to get up without having to say good night to her and she called out to me from across the bar, "Goodnight! Goodnight!" waving like a 13 year old girl. It's hard to miss, really. She is very attentive to all the customers but I have not seen her give that kind of persistent, personal attention to anyone else, for hours on end, no matter how busy she is. She remembers things I said 3 months ago!

 

Against my will, I now find myself thinking about this person, who is no more than my bartender! It's embarrassing and more than a little annoying since I don't let people get into my head that way. She is young, however, and may not even be able to confront her own intentions. If this young person has formed some kind of attachment to me, I would hate to cause her husband any discomfort or distress.

 

I think there are 4 possibilities here:

 

1. It is in my imagination and I can forget about it.

2. She simply wants someone more intelligent than the average local to talk to.

3. She has developed some kind of attachment but it will blow over.

4. She's attracted to me and is hoping to have an affair (which is rampant out here) or use me as some kind of non-physical boyfriend. In which case, I think I'd better stop going there. If that is her intention, she will find someone else willing soon enough, it's a way of life around here.

 

What do you ladies think? I'd especially like to hear from any female bartenders. Thank you for reading this.

Edited December 5, 2010 by Finnegan

[sb129]

If you really don't want to be disturbed, why don't you just stay at home?

You started the banter initially as per:

 

When I go to a pub for the first time I'll usually try to make it enjoyable for whoever my bartender is. I'm good with words & I'll just make it more than usually interesting so they remember me and to put them at ease

 

Why do they need to be put at ease in their job? Why do you need to make it enjoyable for them if your sole purpose is to read your book or do work undisturbed? Why sit at the bar if you don't want to talk to the bartender?

 

I am assuming you are the UK, as people socialise more in pubs than they do at home, and you can get pints which you can't get at home.

 

Also, why is Ali, who has a medical degree, working pulling pints?

[Finnegan]

Ali is doing her job, and is doing it well. My mother owns a neighborhood bar, she tells me all the stories that is going on with her bartenders (all women). Out of four bartenders three of them are married, two are having an affair with customers, ALL of them use their sexuality for tips. They all also have one or two special guys that buys them gifts outside of the bar.

 

My mom often tells me that her job is to make people happy. I've worked for her a couple of hours at a time, and sat in her bar while she worked. She and her bartenders do just as you described Ali. They engage the customer, listen to their stories, look through pics of their family, etc etc. It's what you do in a bar like that. You make the person happy.

 

Don't engage in an affair. It wouldn't be good for you or the girl.

 

LL, thank you for your feedback, you are 100% correct! Let me just mention that I was never considering having an affair! I would never do that. My point was whether or not I should get away from this person.

 

As it turns out, I happened to be there when some of her "boyfriends" showed up at the same time. She looked very embarrassed, since they were expecting displays of affection and attention; she must have one for every night she works! Later, one of her workmates told me all about her fooling around. Since this makes me very uncomfortable, and even the presence of two other single men whom she was obviously messing around with did not stop her from trying to flirt with me, I've just opted to stop frequenting that pub. I don't want to be seen as one of her bf's!! It is a small town & that's not a rumor I want attached to me.

 

It's annoying but I have to get away from this person, who is obviously intent on wrecking her marriage and her life. Her workmate said to me, "Well, that's the restaurant business!" so you were spot on.

 

Happy Holidays!