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being more "giving" in a relationship


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moimeme posted an interesting topic on giving in a relationship, and it peaked my interest. does anyone here have ideas on how to give more? emotionally, physically, mentally, and the others? how can we be more generous with our parteners?

 

and what if we don't get anything in return? at what point does it become unhealthy/bad for you? or is that just a selfish way to look at it?

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how can we be more generous with our parteners?

 

You need a generous spirit. Are you generous with your time, your affection, your resources? If not, why not? The impulse to give comes from within and originates in wanting to be instrumental in someone else's happines. It doesn't mean you can make anybody happy, but certainly things you do can please them, make them feel loved, accepted, and wanted. And that's what we all need. There are a million ways to do it from letting little annoyances go (not sweating the small stuff) to paying attention to things they like and doing them or buying them. The list is endless, really.

 

and what if we don't get anything in return? at what point does it become unhealthy/bad for you? or is that just a selfish way to look at it?

 

One of the most important gifts you can give is to notice things about your partner to be grateful for.

 

A fairly big problem is that people keep mental 'scorecards' of what they do for the other person but what the other person does for them isn't noticed. For instance, recently a poster complained because her bf was out at a bar and danced with a woman but when the woman got frisky, he told her he wasn't interested and then told his gf about what happened. He gave his gf the gifts of his honesty and his fidelity and told her about them. She proceeded to tell him off for dancing with the person in the first place. It would have been much better for the relationship had she thanked him for his honesty and for choosing to turn the woman down.

 

Whether or not people 'should' be honest, caring, loving, etc., the fact is that there an awful lot of people out there who aren't so if your partner is a good person you should be thankful for that. Learn not to take things like that for granted. Show appreciation.

 

I think people are too quick to draw lines where they think they are being 'used'. None of us are always at our best and sometimes one or the other partner is depressed, stressed, feeling ill, or has other things going on which leave them behaving less than ideally. They may not be as considerate as usual, they may withdraw for a while, etc. Sometimes one person has to choose to be 'better' for a while. Marriage Builders calls it 'making deposits in the love bank.' The bank eventually balances in a good relationship but it doesn't necessarily balance perfectly every day, week, month, or sometimes year.

 

Yes, some people do use others. But in making that judgment, you really, really have to question yourself whether you are giving the other person credit for everything he or she does. In many many cases, the answer is no. Keep your 'things to appreciate' radar turned way up and your 'faults and flaws' radar turned down.

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