My boyfriend's older brother is a piece of work

[shann]

My boyfriend and I have been together for close to a year. He is five years older than me. We are both working on graduate degrees in similar fields. We complement each other well and have done a really good job of motivating each other during a pretty frustrating school year. We spend at least four nights a week at his place (I live very far out of town, with some family members, so it isn't possible for him to stay at my place). Up until now, that arrangement was working pretty well.

 

Enter the brother. He is about ten years older than me, and has a harsh sense of humor that includes racist and sexist jokes. Those traits never really bothered me since we don't have enough in common to hang out anyway, so it was easy for me to brush it off and ignore him even if I was offended. The point of telling you this is that I try my best to accept him and find common ground when we're in the same room, but he makes this very, very difficult. It doesn't help that he lives with my boyfriend.

 

Lately the brother and his new girlfriend have been especially cold toward me. He made my boyfriend call and confront me about spreading details of their personal lives to a group of their friends, which caused a lot of trouble for them. Here's the thing: not only have I not told anyone details about their relationship, I don't even know their group of friends. Keep in mind that I am in my early twenties, and this guy is over thirty. My boyfriend knows that I had nothing to do with this drama fest, but there is no convincing his brother. He went as far as to block me on various social networking sites because he seriously thinks that I am out to get him.

 

So now what? I don't feel comfortable going over there, even if I know I did nothing wrong. Obviously his brother is a little crazy, and I've learned from past relationships that confronting the sibling and starting a fight will result in a hellstorm that will probably destroy any chance of continuing my relationship in peace. I want to let it go, but his brother is the tenaciously passive agressive type that will make you miserable enough to run away without him actually saying anything to you (he told me this is how he got rid of his crazy ex). What can I do? I haven't been able to relax around my boyfriend now that I'm not welcome at his house.