BF's roommates

[JessaL]

Hopefully this is the right forum for my question; if not I'm sure the mods will move it to the appropriate one...

 

My BF owns how home and rents out the spare rooms.

 

He has told me that he is thinking about asking one of the roommates to leave. Last night he mentioned this again, and asked me if I think he's overreacting (in an email).

 

The answer is YES, I think he's overreacting; however he doesn't take criticism well, so in order to buy more time to think about how to phrase my answer, I responded by asking him some questions about the situation (to clarify points that I wasn't sure about; generally I am very familiar with the situation, and have seen it first-hand).

 

He answered the question, and then said that he's going to go ahead and tell this guy to start looking for another place to live.

 

I'm sure that this situation is going to come up again (either he will bring this specific situation up again, or it will come up with a new roommate or something), so any advice on how to handle this type of situation in the future?

[Enema]

I don't think he wanted your advice, he wanted your support.

 

As for the situation... we're going to need specifics to give proper advice on how to handle it in future.

[JessaL]

I don't think he wanted your advice, he wanted your support.

 

As for the situation... we're going to need specifics to give proper advice on how to handle it in future.

 

Ah, true, I didn't consider that he might've just wanted support/an affirmation/a sounding board.

 

And, fair enough.

 

BF is like this: He's generally neat, but capricious. What I mean is that sometimes he does his dishes right after using them, but sometimes he lets them sit for a couple days. He never leaves his clothes in the washer or dryer, but he might leave them in a pile on the dining room table for several days without putting them away. He usually let's his cat's litter box go a day or two too long before cleaning it. He's tidy, as in not leaving stuff lying around, and he takes the garbage out when it's full, and cleans the stove if he cooks greasy food...but doesn't wash the windows, mop, or vacuum very often, or change his sheets or clean his bathroom as often as I would.

 

Roommate #1 is ALWAYS AROUND, and is a disgusting slob, and messy. Leaves his dirty dishes for days at a time, leaves beer bottles and trash lying all over the place, has never once vacuumed or cleaned a bathroom, etc. He drops nasty deuces in the downstairs toilet, and doesn't flush (or plunge) it. Doesn't change the TP roll either. Instead of taking the trash out, he keeps stuffing **** in the bag, or leaves his garbage on the counter above the trash. His GF is over every single day, cooks and eats dinner with her BF every night, and often passes out on the couch for the night, but she also never picks up, cleans, or washes dishes.

 

Roommate #2 is NEVER THERE; if he is, he is in his room. He occasionally sweeps or vacuums, but otherwise doesn't clean, but he's also not really there either. His biggest crime is that he cooks, and then leaves his dishes basically until someone else washes them. His pet peeve (that he's mentioned to me, but probably never said to BF) is the litter box. This roommate never has anyone over.

 

Roommate #2 is one my BF wants to kick out.

 

BF has had maybe two "discussions" with his roommates about their cleanliness, not pointing fingers at a specific person or even a specific chore that isn't getting done (except the dishes), but just basically saying the house is disgusting and they need to be cleaner/neater.

 

BF likes Roommate #1, but isn't friends with Roommate #2 (which IMO, who cares, because I am not exaggerating when I say that Roommate #2 is never there - when he is it's like the middle of the night when everyone else is sleeping). BF claims that Roommate #1 has improved (he hasn't, IMO), and wants to kick out Roommate #2 over the dish issue.

 

It's my opinion that BF is completely overreacting (though I do agree that it's incredibly annoying, and I hate having to do his dishes to cook sometimes, or make room in the sink/kitchen), and that if his biggest problem with a roommate is that he doesn't do his dishes often enough, he's damn lucky. If he kicks this guy out, he could get someone way worse, like another Roommate #1. Also, given that BF isn't incredibly clean himself, I think he's being unreasonable.

 

So I guess what all this blathering comes down to is that I feel so differently about the situation than my BF does (of course it's his decision ultimately), but this type of thing frequently comes up. So, how to deal?

Edited March 9, 2010 by JessaL

[Star Gazer]

So I guess what all this blathering comes down to is that I feel so differently about the situation than my BF does (of course it's his decision ultimately), but this type of thing frequently comes up. So, how to deal?

 

Be rational about it, and see where he's coming from:

 

Very sloppy + friend = tolerable.

 

Slightly sloppy + not a friend = intolerable.

 

The issue here isn't whether he wants to kick out someone who's occasionally messy, it's whether he wants to share his living space with someone he's not friends with who is also occasionally messy.

 

You obviously feel differently - you'd put cleanliness above the level of friendship.

 

So when you see a difference in your opinions, just explain what those differences are... i.e., that he values friendship more, but you'd value cleanliness more... and then SUPPORT him in whatever decision he makes.

[JessaL]

Be rational about it, and see where he's coming from:

 

Very sloppy + friend = tolerable.

 

Slightly sloppy + not a friend = intolerable.

 

The issue here isn't whether he wants to kick out someone who's occasionally messy, it's whether he wants to share his living space with someone he's not friends with who is also occasionally messy.

 

You obviously feel differently - you'd put cleanliness above the level of friendship.

 

So when you see a difference in your opinions, just explain what those differences are... i.e., that he values friendship more, but you'd value cleanliness more... and then SUPPORT him in whatever decision he makes.

This seems so obvious, yet again, it didn't really occur to me. Thanks, I think this is great advice.

 

Unfortunately, Roommate #1 makes ME not want to be around, but BF never wants to come over to my place. Different matter, however.

[Woggle]

It's his house so he can do what he wants. It's all a matter of who he gets along with.

[JessaL]

It's his house so he can do what he wants. It's all a matter of who he gets along with.

 

Well, I do agree with this, but my question is more in regards to the fact that my BF very frequently asks my opinion on this matter, and also very frequently complains about it to me (about both roommates, but 90% Roommate #1, the one he doesn't want to kick out, and like 10% about Roommate #2). Otherwise, I wouldn't concern myself with it.

 

I also think that he's sort of over the roommate thing, and that no matter who replaces the guy he kicks out, I will be hearing about it.

 

It seems obvious that he doesn't care what I have to say about it, but I also don't want to say nothing, so.......?

[JessaL]

I think part of it is also that when I'm there (usually I'm there, rather than him being at my place), I either have to suck it up and deal with the disgusting mess his roommates have made (BF is way neater when I'm around), or I have to clean up after them AND the GF.

[Star Gazer]

Well, I do agree with this, but my question is more in regards to the fact that my BF very frequently asks my opinion on this matter, and also very frequently complains about it to me (about both roommates, but 90% Roommate #1, the one he doesn't want to kick out, and like 10% about Roommate #2). Otherwise, I wouldn't concern myself with it.

 

Next time he whines, say, "this is what you wind up with when you put friendship above cleanliness in a roommate situation (wink, wink)."

[Star Gazer]

You know what it is, he probably thinks something like this:

 

"You know, it's cool if a bro acts like mi casa es su casa, because it is - ya know? He's my bro, so he can just relax and be chill - he doesn't have to worry about me being all uptight. But this other dude, the one who I'm not really cool with, he should respect my house - ya know?"

[JessaL]

"You know, it's cool if a bro acts like mi casa es su casa, because it is - ya know?

OMG, he actually said something exactly along these lines in regards to Roommate #1!!!!! This is exactly what has led him to erroneously claim that Roommate #1 has improved, when in fact, he's exactly the same.

[JessaL]

OK, so my BF just asked me a question related to roommates/who to rent to, and then completely discounted and ignored what I had to say.

 

So I guess I just fell into that thing where I assume when he asks what I think, he wants to know what I think, as opposed to just wanting me to agree with him?

 

So, when your SO "asks your opinion" but really just wants you to affirm their own opinion, what do you say to them?

[New Again]

OK, so my BF just asked me a question related to roommates/who to rent to, and then completely discounted and ignored what I had to say.

 

So I guess I just fell into that thing where I assume when he asks what I think, he wants to know what I think, as opposed to just wanting me to agree with him?

 

So, when your SO "asks your opinion" but really just wants you to affirm their own opinion, what do you say to them?

I had a b/f that would do this also. He would go on and on, giving me all the details for a half hour, then say "What do you think? Should I do it/What should I do?"

 

At first I would give him my thoughtful consideration. Eevntually I realized that he wasn't actually interested in what I was saying, because he already knew what he was going to do, and he had probably just been using me to talk through it to himself.

 

So then, when he asked me about things that I suspected fell into the same category I just started repeating his question back to him ("What do you think?", even though he had just told me what he thought) and then saying something like "That seems reasonable, and it sounds like you put a lot of thought into this" or, just to change it up: "You have a lot of experience with this, I think you know what to do."

 

Another tactic is to just ask a few questiosn about something he mentioned in the conversation; this is especially good if you think he's just talking to you to talk through it for himself. That way he talks more about the thing he's deciding and it sounds like you're trying to help, but you're still not wasting your breath giving your own opinion.

 

Or you can use "It sounds like" statements, and rephrase what he's said.

 

I wouldn't reccomend these necessarily if the decision he's making affects you somehow; then he really should be listening to what you have to say.

 

Also, it's a different matter if it really hurts or upsets you that he's not taking into account your opinion...