Norma Posted May 31, 2003 Share Posted May 31, 2003 This man I've been seeing for a short while goes on and on about how wonderful his 15-year old daughter is. At first I liked it when he talked about her because it showed he was a good parent and would make a good father, but now it gets on my nerves when he goes on about how she takes after him, how she is so smart and mature for her age, ect.. He doesn't want me to sleep over there if she is staying over because he doesn't want to confuse her. I don't mind one bit because I'm not as attracted to him as I was in the beginning and don't really see this thing going very far. The only pictures he has in his place and in his office (and wallet)are of his daughter. I've gone out with other men who had children and were divorced and they never went on about their kids like he does. Perhaps I'm missing something here, but is it common for men with children who are divorced to be so "goo goo ga ga" over their kids? Strange, but this actally turns me off from him as it kind takes away the "macho" image of the kind of man I'm attracted to. Is there something wrong with me? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 31, 2003 Share Posted May 31, 2003 This man is entitled to be just as crazy about his daughter as he wants to be. If you don't like it, you shouldn't see him. She's probably pretty much all he's got. He's probably very proud of her and extremely guilty for having put her through the pain of a divorce. There are a million reasons why he may be overcompensating by overcaring for and bragging over this young lady. I think it's quite nice that his daughter is so dear to him. A lot of men abandon their children after a divorce. You said you weren't as fond of him now as you used to be. Maybe your best detour out of this problem is to detour out of the relationship. He's not about to carry on less about his daughter because you tell him to. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 I think it is quite natural for a parent to be proud of their kid and talk a lot about them. It sounds like she is his only child. I mean, what other pictures is he supposed to have in his wallet? That's all I used to carry when my son was growing up. I'm sure she is a huge part of his life and he likes sharing it with you. Ask yourself: What would you rather he talk about? If it bothers you, try steering the conversation in a different direction. Obviously you don't have kids so it's hard for you to understand where he's coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 I think you just need to ask why it annoys you. Does it annoy you because another women helped create his daughter and you think he stills holds onto her by going on about his daughter? I constantly go on about my daughter. She is extremely mature for her age and is saying words and sentances other kids her age aren't. My partner (who isn't her father) does the same thing. He has pictures of her on his computer desktop at work. He has pictures of her around his monitor. A parent loves it's child more than you, and always will. If you can't handle not being the centre of attention you need to go elsewhere and not confuse this relationship anymore than it already has. I mean think about it, would this be the kind of man you would love to father your child? If the answer is "He is a great father" just think, you are not a child, you are a partner, does he make a great partner? Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 Obviously you don't have kids so it's hard for you to understand where he's coming from. Maybe it's just me but I always find it so arrogant and condescending of people who have children, to make comments like this to those who (for whatever reason) don't. I think it's insulting and a real put-down. Lots of people are divorced, and have children, but they don't go around talking about them constantly, like they're obsessed with them. Whether it's someone's child, their job, their car, their home, their wealth, their pet...if the sole focus of every conversation is "that" person/thing, and they can't carry on a conversation finding a way, however unrelated, to bring that person/thing into the conversation, it's really just annoying. Even with children, there needs to be a balance in a person's life......but if they live and breathe their children and that's all they know how to talk about, then it doesn't seem to me that they'd make a very good partner.....it would become tiresome and one-sided and monotonous. I look at it this way, too. I love my pets (cats). I don't have a husband or children. My cats are pretty much like my children, I guess you could say. They've been with me for years, through good and bad times, a bad marriage, many moves, many life changes. Now would I date someone and be sitting there constantly showing them pictures of my cats, have pics of my cats all over my home/office, would I not be able to have one single conversation without mentioning how cute/smart/funny/silly my cats are? No. Just because they mean the world to me doesn't mean they'd mean the same to someone else. Out of respect and consideration, I wouldn't expect or assume someone else is going to give a damn about them/their stories as I would. Norma, I can totally understand where you're coming from. Maybe the guy isn't ready for a relationship and would be better off just being a parent and droning on about his daughter 24/7. Doesn't sound like he has much else going on in his life. Yep, it's great to see a guy as "into" being a parent as he is, but if that's all he can talk about, be prepared to always play major second fiddle to this "perfect" daughter...you'll never be happy. I don't know how long you've been together (??)...you just said a 'short time'.....but if you're already turned off by his obvious "ga-ga-ness" then be assured that things won't improve. This reminds me of the hags I've worked with in the past, who could simply not *ever* have a conversation that didn't focus around their husbands/their children/their vacation/their home/their their their.........totally monopolizing the conversation constantly about "their" family and life.........assuming I guess that after the first 20 conversations like this that I'd actually give a sh*t about the constant details of their lives, what they had for dinner, which way the wind blew when their husband last farted, their daughter's boyfriend troubles, bla bla bla. I guess I'm just not the type to assume that people I don't know very well are going to give a crap about my personal life.......I prefer conversation where everyone can contribute something. What would I contribute to conversations about marriage and having children? What, that my cat horked up a really special furball and I'm going to have it framed? :-) Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 JAG - you sound like a very bitter person. I'm sorry for you. But no need to try to lay guilt trips on those of us who are happily married and adore our kids and families...please. Of course you're entitled to your opinions and so are we. We're all "coming from" different places, and just because I pointed out that fact doesn't mean I think one is better than the other, nor did I mean to put anyone down. The term is "different", not better. Sometimes it's hard to understand someone's position unless you've been there. Have a good day! Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 JAG - you sound like a very bitter person. I'm sorry for you. But no need to try to lay guilt trips on those of us who are happily married and adore our kids and families...please. Bitter? Hardly. If my perception of sole happiness in life was to have a husband and children, I would have very easily had that years ago. If as a woman, I felt that I needed to be a "Mrs" to have an identity, and I "needed" a man to support me and be my security blanket, well, I would have had the choice to marry a few good guys.....but you see Cindy (you're so precious! ), after a rotten marriage many years ago I realized that I was put on this earth for much more than to fetch someone's slippers, be their maid and drive the kids to soccer practice. I'm not the type of woman to find contentment in getting together with neighborhood Moms to sit around and drink tea and eat crumpets and talk about lil' Billy did this and lil' Sally did that.......as if that's all women are good for is baking cookies and popping out kids. We all choose different paths in life. I chose to get an excellent education and have a very successful career...and be independent, make a contribution, and enjoy my freedom. My point is......society foolishly seems to perpetuate this myth that a woman can only be truly happy if she has a hubby to clean up after and snotty nosed kids to go ga-ga over. So many women, sadly, have no individual identity......they've lost themselves years ago......they see themselves as nothing more than wives and mothers and have lost track of all their other 'facets.' Like you're somehow not a real woman or should be 'felt sorry for' if you're not married with kids in tow and driving a minivan. I think women and parents in general who feel the need to constantly gush about their children are fundamentally missing something in their life, within themselves....and they try to fill this void by obsessing about their children and their husbands. It gets really tiresome to have to listen to the old biddies going on and on and on about how their hubby finally took out the trash, how their kid finally stopped picking his nose, how great their life is. People whose lives are truly great, generally don't have to go around constantly telling people. They also aren't so arrogant to presume that anyone and everyone gives a crap about all the miniscule details of their day to day lives. I'm not bitter at all, and I'm actually very happy with my life......I'm where I envisioned I'd be at this point. I've worked hard and met my goals and I revel in my independence and freedom and knowledge that my identity doesn't come from wearing an apron and baking toll house cookies all day. You have a lovely day, too Cindy! Link to post Share on other sites
Norma Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 The way you (Just a Girl2) talk about your cats as thought they are your children is great and I can totally relate to that with the "baby boy" seal point I had to sadly give over to my ex. I just remembered that when my boyfriend came to my place one time I showed him pictures of my cat and he didn't seem too interested and even said that you couldn't compare having a child with having a cat. He was trying to minimize and trivialize what it meant to have a pet, and I remember not liking that. The reason I showed him all these cat pictures was because he had gone on and on about his daughter so I wanted him to see that I could also go on about my cat. Otherwise I wouldn't have shown him the pictures. He told me he didn't think it was natural or normal if a woman didn' t want children and that he would be more attracted to me if I wanted them. I told him I was interested in having a child, but not just any child with any man for the sake of having a child! I think he has some issues with this, as not all women are meant to have children. Besides, the population doesn't need to have more from every single woman on the planet Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 Well it is quite obvious to me from the volumes of research done by the most reputable institutions of higher learning in the United States and throughout the free world that women's happiness quotient seems highest when they are married, at home, raising kids, putting up with dysfunctional mates, baking cookies, browsing the Internet, mowing the lawn, cleaning the house, taking the kids to the doctor, and easy stuff like that. I think the research proves this is not a myth but rather a reality. I have no problem with this. Whatever makes women happy. I particularly like females who know that the fastest way to my heart is to wash and polish my car, vacuum the inside, and cook my favorite salmon dinner while I'm lying on the couch watching TV. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 Norma, after reading the posts I think you can safely see that you are perfectly normal! It's just a matter of your personalities not meshing in the way that you hoped. If you enjoy his company, but don't see a future with him then tell him that and maybe you two can be friends and date casually. If you approach him about his constant bragging on his daughter -- no matter how polite or considerate you are -- you are liable to offend him--just look at the direction the replies have taken here! It doesn't make either of you right or wrong or bad or good -- you just don't seem to mesh that well. I'm sorry that it has turned out so diappointing for you -- but maybe the next guy will be the right mix for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Bill Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 I aim for cats on the road. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 Maybe it's just me but I always find it so arrogant and condescending of people who have children, to make comments like this to those who (for whatever reason) don't. I think it's insulting and a real put-down. Once again, it was not meant as an insult or a putdown. But to compare one's cat to a human child is ridiculous! I won't even attempt to address that statement. Since you brought it up, I have a higher education myself and had a 15-year career in the legal field. I CHOSE to retire from that and do what I'm doing now, which I personally find very rewarding (to each their own). My husband is not my financial support, nor do I fetch his slippers -- the thought of that is laughable to me. I raised my son and I'm proud of him but he and my husband are not my sole interests in life. I have a full and well-rounded life with friends, pets I love, and I am contributing to society in many ways. My post was aimed at the original poster (Norma), not at you, so please refrain from taking everything I say so personally and turning it around to attack me. Thanks and have a good day. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted June 1, 2003 Share Posted June 1, 2003 Maybe it's just me but I always find it so arrogant and condescending of people who have children, to make comments like this to those who (for whatever reason) don't. I think it's insulting and a real put-down. Just like comments above towards people who do have children. I know what my life was like before having a child and you do not have an idea of what it is like having a child. So as someone who has experienced both sides of the story talking to someone who has experiences one...you would think we know what we are talking about. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 BTW...Tony, do you like your Toll House cookies with nuts or without? Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 I like my chocolate chip cookies with lots of pecans, extra chocolate chips, warm right out of the oven with very cold milk. The ones that are left I like to turn very crispy...I don't like cookies that are thick and soft. Thank you for asking. I love talking about Toll House Cookies!!! Every woman ought to be able to make them at a moment's notice if her guy asks her to. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 i'm sorry to get personal here, but unless you were joking, bill, and you dont seem like much of a joker, i won't even read any of your posts from now on. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 Originally posted by Just A Girl2 We all choose different paths in life. I chose to get an excellent education and have a very successful career...and be independent, make a contribution, and enjoy my freedom. And he choose to raise children and sculpt and mold the future of our planet... so, why do you have hangups about that? You yourself are perpetuating this notion that we should all live our lives how we want and be happy. His world involves his daughter, who are you to judge him? My point is......society foolishly seems to perpetuate this myth that a woman can only be truly happy if she has a hubby to clean up after and snotty nosed kids to go ga-ga over. So many women, sadly, have no individual identity. I believe the post is about a man. So therefore are men not allowed to cross the gender gap and be a nurturing father, excited about his kid's development? You're creating all kinds of double-standards in your posts. You want the right to live a husband/child free life, but no one else can either? You want women to break out of a gender stereotype but men aren't allowed to? Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 Regarding Cats vs. Children.... Give the parents of children a pat on the back please.... How many cats are asking for their drivers license at 15? How many dogs want to go the mall with a long-haired 14-year-old goth and get into what kind of trouble? How many cats want their hair dyed black with red ends? How many cats do you have to pry out of bed so they aren't late for school and get another detention? I just wish my kid sat around all day cleaning herself... EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKK ps. this post was all in the name of fun, please don't get angry or upset Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 I'm sorry to get personal, but unless you're joking neonink, I won't read any of your posts from now on. so there ppppbt. Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 Loved the post, Neonink. I'll add my two cents (did you expect anything less?) How many cats go out and come back home with two piercings? How many cats require diaper changes approximately 8 times a day? How many cats charge you $20 to mow their own lawn? How many cats have homework? How many cats require taxi service to ballet, football, art lessons, basketball and band practice? Truthfully though, I would much rather have a kid. The rewards are so tremendous! That certainly doesn't mean that kids are for everyone though. There are people (both men and women) who don't want and should never have kids. For them, God made cats (and dogs). For those of us who are selfish, we have both. Link to post Share on other sites
Arcane Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 What's wrong with long haired goths? Link to post Share on other sites
Just A Girl2 Posted June 2, 2003 Share Posted June 2, 2003 Originally posted by Gray And he choose to raise children and sculpt and mold the future of our planet... so, why do you have hangups about that? You yourself are perpetuating this notion that we should all live our lives how we want and be happy. His world involves his daughter, who are you to judge him? Um, let's see now, how can I be more clear here. I never said that his world couldn't/shouldn't involve his daughter, now did I? As for judging him? Well let's see now......what do you call what goes on here each day? People come here complaining about their significant other, telling us about their actions/things they say, and then they ASK US what we think about it. Um, so in other words, aren't they asking us to judge the situation/their SO's behavior? There's a whole difference between a parent involving their child in their world, and a parent who obviously can't carry on an adult conversation with his partner because he's too busy being obsessed about his child and that's all he can talk about. It's obviously creating a problem in their relationship, from Norma's standpoint..which is the only standpoint we're presented with. So I gave her my opinion. Get it? Link to post Share on other sites
cindy0039 Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 Unfortunately, we only heard Norma's side of the story. I feel quite sure the guy's side would be somewhat different. Usually you can listen to one person's story, then the other person's, and the truth falls somewhere in between. Obviously she has a problem with the situation, so my advice is she should just be honest with the guy and if the situation doesn't change, move on to someone she's more happy with. I'm sure we can all agree on that...no? I also have the opinion that some people on this forum need to pull in their claws. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 Arcane: "What's wrong with long haired goths?" I suppose nada, although it is freaking me out a little, because my little blonde haired 'one and only' has black nail polish, 5 ear piercings, black hair and wants red tips. Her clothes this week are black, black and more black... I know, it's a phase.... <please oh please oh please....> But I love my cat.... Link to post Share on other sites
Arcane Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 Speaking as a former long haired goth, that sounds good to me. While it's probably just a phase, it might last until she's out of college. I wouldn't worry too much though, goths are some of the nicest most down to earth people I've known. There could be much worse people she could emulate. Link to post Share on other sites
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