situation becoming too difficult

[Conflicted25]

My partner and I have just moved into a house of our own, previously we lived in a shared house with friends for a year, and then moved into my sister’s house for just over a year. (She is married and has a teenage daughter)

 

He has 2 children who stay round every weekend either Friday 4pm till Saturday after the evening meal or Saturday 4pm till Sunday after the evening meal, and have done since we moved in to my sisters (May 2008). The children now stay over every Tuesday night (usually he would spend the evening at his ex's and babysit while she goes out), he still goes over her house to put the children to bed and to babysit on Thursdays. Eventually the plan is for the children to stay over ours on Thursdays too.

 

We’ve been in our house (rented) for a month and a half. At first things were better, I didn’t feel ‘trapped’ anymore because we had our own space, little things like being able to do laundry as and when we needed to instead of waiting till the machine was free, all made a difference. But now I am not sure whether this is the relationship I want. I feel envious, even jealous of my friends, several of them have been travelling, others are going in a few months, and one has gone back to uni to train as a teacher. I have always wanted to go travelling before I get tied up with things such as a mortgage, I would also love to go back to uni and train as a teacher, but these are both things that I am not able to do. The teaching courses down here are so oversubscribed, and difficult to get onto that it would be a miracle for me to get a place, but even then there is only one nearby which teaches a course for the age range I want to teach. Moving away is out of the question, my partner wouldn’t come with me as his children are here, (I wouldn’t dream of asking him to leave them). The same goes for travelling, we have talked about it briefly, and ‘one day when the kids are older’ we could go. I have my doubts, arranging a holiday has been difficult enough and always results in us never going.

 

I love him, and when it is just us at home things are fine, but when the children come over I feel on edge. I have felt this way for about 6 months now. Beforehand I never had an issue with the children, I still make the same effort as I used to, I play with them, find things to do to amuse them, read stories, generally play the step-mum role. The only difference is I used to enjoy it, and now, it’s something I do because I have to. Last weekend the children were over Friday and Saturday Night as their mother had plans. I felt miserable. I can’t invite friends over when the girls are round, they tend to stay up till 9.30 at the weekends, and obviously once they are in bed noise has to be kept to a minimum. Whenever they are due to come over I feel dread, and wish they didn’t have to, I really do have to put a brave face on.

 

I have thought about ending the relationship, and when I think about the doors it opens up for me I feel excited. I was offered a place as an intern in Mexico, to train as a Scuba Diving Instructor (I have been diving since I was 14, and have always wanted to be an instructor), but the training took 3 months, and then I’d have to work for the company for a year till the tuition cost was paid off, I knew this when I applied, but didn’t think I’d get it. I turned it down. I was told that if I change my mind I could go in January, but there are only 10 places a year so nothing is guaranteed.

 

But then I go home after work, to the man which I have gone home to every night for 2 years, I look at him, and I can’t do it. He loves me, he really does, if I left him he would be devastated, I think I would be too. My mum is sympathetic, and she has said that even though my partner is lovely and she is very fond of him, I will never have a life while I am with him. My life will be like his and revolve around his children.

 

This is a daily battle, one minute I think I have made a decision to leave, to live my life, and deal with the hurt that comes from breaking up, and the next I think I’m happy where I am and that I can carry on. I just don’t know. I’ve never broken up with somebody I have still loved.

[hopefulInFuture]

Have you told him how you feel? I think this is the first place you should start. I think during your lifetime with your partner you will encounter many complex situations that are either going to make you stronger or make you break.

 

I think you should tell him how you feel. If you truly love him he deserves to know the truth. Maybe, he understands you and you two can work things out for the best for both of you. Talking with him will also make you more certain of your next steps as you two will decide together what's best for your relationship from now on.