Am I with a control freak/person with control issues?

[canadaguy98]

Ok

 

I met this girl about four months ago. We hit it off amazingly, basically from the first day that we met we only spent two days apart in four months. Two months into the relationship, since she was spending so much time at my house, she moved her furniture to my place from her apartment. At three months in, we decided for her to move in with me because she was never sleeping at home anyways. She wasn't quite sure about it and neither was I but effectively it would have made no difference since both she and I regularly called my house her "home" even though we occasionally laughed about the slip up.

 

Since she moved in, and to a lesser extent prior to her moving in, I had noticed some signs of her being a bit disrespectful at times. She's a super fiesty woman who works in law enforcement so I just took it as part of the package. After her moving in, I have noticed that the "my way or the highway" side of any disagreements got stronger and stronger.

 

Part of the package that I realized at about 2.75 months in was that she had lied to me about her job. She told me she worked for two federal agencies and was badge carrying member and used a firearm at work. One night when I was choked about one of these "my way or the highway" arguments I did a lot of fact checking; I realized that she actually works for a private security company contracted by the federal agency, but that she's no officer, rather they are hired help to help move detainees and guard the cells but they have no real power. What inspired me to do the digging was that I know quite a bit about the agencies in question and some of the work tales weren't quite adding up. Honestly I dont really care if she lied to me about her job to impress me early on; but obviously now that we are living together I am hoping that it will come out eventually.

 

Now what is leading me to this control issue is that slowly, item by item, everything is leading to a break up. In the past 5 weeks she has threatened to or said that she is going to break up with me, either over a disagreement where I didn't kowtow to her demands or where in one case when she called me and all my friends a bunch of losers to my face over the national paintball club that I founded from $20 three years ago (to the biggest thing on the continent) and said that I am doing a crapy job - and I demanded that she tell me then if she's ever led a group of 1300 people, or even 100 for that matter; and she refused to answer the question.

 

She's met my parents and I have never met hers, she keeps citing that she doesnt want her mom to meet me until she's sure it's going to lead to marriage because that's how her mom thinks. I haven't met her brother or sister, and the only friend of hers that I've met is someone who has only known her for a month. I breifly met a few of her work buddies but the meetings were very short.

 

Just today she said that if the toilet seat doesn't get put down every time she finds it left up she's going to slam it down and if it breaks I'm going to have to replace it. She starts project after project and leaves them unfinished and I am supposed to do it. She complains about how the house is disorganized and how she can't stand it yet it is her who leaves her dishes all around the house and bits of paper and wrappers all over the house and when I clean up it takes forever to pick them all up. The bedroom is a disaster which is 80% her clothes, one of which from the time that I called her to say that my ex was coming over to grab some mail asked her if that was OK, she said fine she could visit no problems and then when she got here and me and the ex (a year ago I broke up with the ex, we're friends but I hadn't seen her since I met the current gf four months earlier) was still here and wanted to give her a respectful hello, she ignored her and talked on the phone, then when she left blew into a rage and was packing her suitcases and talking about leaving me.

 

I am noticing that the rages are getting more and more frequent now. Somtimes she wakes up just itching to complain about something or other, and when one item is no longer there or resolved she starts looking for something else. When she gets into the rage, its no holds barred full on ranting, she says many things which are very hurtful, personal, and which have absolutely nothing to do with the issue at hand (you are a loser, you wouldnt know how to work if you were shown how, i can see why your ex-cheated on you, maybe you should find a stupid girl who would take your bs, etc) in rapid succession.

 

Any attempt by me to communicate in a two way fashion is instantly blocked; sometimes she just tells me she doesnt want to hear it and if I keep talking she's going to put her iPod on and I'll be talking to myself.

 

Im no perfect boyfriend but I cook and I clean and I try to treat her as well as I can, in fact I have altered a lot of my schedules to appease her needs.

 

She finds it drives her nuts when my paintball friends come over and talk about it incessantly (I am the founder of the national club, so the topic is at an advanced level about the whole club structure across 29 cities), so now I only have them over when she is at work. She used to not have a problem with me puffing a joint once in a while (its practically legal here in BC), now she is always paranoid that I am stoned. When I met her we were drinking 151' Rum and hanging out, now she is right choked if I have gotten beer. I bought her some Vodka coolers when we were painting, she didn't want any, and in this heat by three days later I had drank them all; she hadn't touched them and I bought them, I was catching loads of crap from her that I should have left them there.

 

I used to have my friends drop by whenever they wanted, and she hated that it drove her mad that my friends would be stopping by and interupping whatever was happening so now my friends all have to call first where they didn't before.

 

Somehow someone snuck into our back door when we were asleep, they took her iPod and one of my laptops, she holds me personally responsible for the missing items.

 

The girl was amazing and fantastic when I first met her; at times she still is amazing and fantastic. The problems I see is that she just absolutely MUST get her own way in every case, she absolutely MUST be right on every occasion, and any attempt for me to assert my opinon is blocked and results in one of her rages; and it's getting worse.

 

I understand that she was cheated on by her ex three days before her wedding and that must have been traumatic; I was cheated on by my fiancee as well so I can understand. However I work from home, I rarely go out anyways, I almost never interact with women. These control issues have to do with the way I live my life; and if she doesn't like any peice of it, she threatens to break up with me. Once she even threatened to come outside and literally kick my ass -- I was already furious with her calling me and my friends pathetic losers so I told her come on out and bring it on because I was out there trying to cool off so I wouldn't say something I regretted: and she was yelling this stuff out the window.

 

So now here I am, last night at 3AM she basically said we were breaking up. It was sad but given how things have been lately I wasn't devastated; I merely tried to share my feelings mostly about the way she has been treating me like a pet who needs to be told what to do, and in some cases punished for being wrong.

 

I'm left hanging a bit; she says that this time its real, but she's said it before. I asked her about working things out and she was icy and said she didn't care. But when I asked her what the next steps would be she didn't mention anything about moving out, and today she was even talking about making sure the lawns were watered and making sure that the house routines (there's a bit of a roomshare thing going on to cut costs during this down economy, so there are three roomates living here other than us) are perfect and proper, and that proper rules were put in place for dishes, etc.- none of which sound like someone who is actually on their way out the door.

 

I do love the girl; I dont love the way I'm being treated when she's mad; and I dont like how any disagreement always ends up getting twisted to somehow being my fault - and one thing I really dislike is that the entire relationship keeps getting put on the table whenever there's a disagreement and she starts this whole "I dont care" thing.

 

I've talked to a couple of my friends about it, and they suggested I talk with her which I have done but that ended up in another "break up" which will last for how long I do not know given the above and a complete denial of my own complaints that were making me unhappy. One of them has between the lines suggested that I cut her loose myself and move on looking for greener pastures; honestly I've contemplated that myself in the past week or so because I'm getting tired of the rages over virtually nothing.

 

I do love the girl and when she's not raging, she does treat me quite well. She's beautiful and very attractive which doesn't help.

 

Any ideas or suggestions for me? Sorry for the novel; I type fast and it just saves me answering questions for more detail later. If you've read this far, thank you.

[BWLoca]

You should call her bluff whenever she threatens to move out...it worked on me when I was a kid and that's the way she's acting: like a child.

[canadaguy98]

how do I deal with the resulting outburst if I call her bluff? They are quite raging

[BWLoca]

Well, to answer your question, she does seems to have some control issues. It's because you've been allowing her to have whatever she wants, starting with "letting" her move into your apartment. Did she ask you first before moving her furniture into the apartment?

Really, the only way to correct that is to quit letting her have her way all the time. I say that the next time you get into an argument about something, stand your ground. If she threatens to move out, offer to help her pack.

[Thornton]

She sounds like a bit of a fruit loop. It doesn't sound like it would be any great loss if the relationship did end.

[sally4sara]

If she isn't on the lease then it isn't her decision as to when or if she moves out. She is there on YOUR good graces and she'd do well to remember it.

 

Make sure there are no utilities in her name as they can be used to prove her residency even if she isn't on the lease. In some cases this is even worse than if she had her name on the lease. It is difficult for a landlord to evict someone they have no lease contract with. If she has a utility in her name and you call the cops to have her and her belongings removed, she can prove it is her residency to the cops with the utility bill in her name at that address. If you get the landlord in on it to remove her, they may have to evict everyone on the lease just to get their SOs or friends out of the place too.

 

I think the most worrisome thing about your description is that you have not met anyone of significance in her life. It is as though she has created a new persona for this relationship and is segregating you from anyone who could tell you who or how she really is. She sounds like a con artist.

[canadaguy98]

Thanks for your comments!

 

To answer BWLoca yes she did ask about the furniture, and I actually did want her to move in myself, given the length of time we were in a relationship I was a bit unsure about asking but given the effective zero sum difference (she was here every day & night bef and after work anyway) it just kind of came together. Just made more financial sense after three months.

 

In this situation I am the landlord as I have a subletting agreement in place with the landlord and I am the only person on the property agreement. The roomates have tenancy signed off with me as the landlord; she has no documents with me and lives here for nothing (same goes for me, no i'm not paying her way or anything).

 

However the tenancy stuff is a sideline issue; this isn't a roomate I'm trying to get rid of, this is a girlfriend where I'm trying to get things either on the right track if possible because things have lost their way.

 

Sally: I do agree on the part of not meeting anyone of significance in her life; and the creation of the persona. Honestly when I speak to my friends about this situation, I tell them I beleive that I beleive she is strung out about being "found out" on what her actual job is; the control issues seem to be much fiercer now that she has actually moved in; and oftentimes when I end up putting my foot down ( ie. where in one case when she called me and all my friends a bunch of losers to my face over the national paintball club that I founded from $20 three years ago (to the biggest thing on the continent) and said that I am doing a crapy job - and I demanded that she tell me then if she's ever led a group of 1300 people ) it tends to be where she is exerting an air of financial, moral, or educational superiority over me inferring that it has to do with what she does. I've tried to open the door for her to come clean on that stuff, in a note when the rages first started; it was a long letter but I let her know I could tell she was getting stressed out about something and if there was anything she wanted to tell me she could open up and I wouldn't be mad.

 

I think she's in a horrible state of flux right now; that doesn't really give me any sympathy for her inappropriate outbursts. She is a naturally controlling person, there is this lie, and she's afraid that she will lose moral superiority if the lie is found out. Every time I question it, the rages get extreme. She may be stressing herself out to the maximum trying to "keep it all together" so to speak; and she may be on the fence as to whether to come clean about it or just walk because it would be easier.

 

I dont know.. Honestly I dont care about what she does for a living, she could be a waitress. If she tried to impress me when we first met because she didn't think it would get serious and now she's in this conundrum, I dont know.

 

However there are deeper seated issues than just this thing about the job. The ordering around and the repeated serious reprocussions (if you dont do this or that then I dont know if I can be in this relationship) traverse issues well beyond that topic.

 

I can see it with the roomates, these control issues. When it was just her and I living here (well she was "staying" here), she could exert a certain amount of control over me because she was my girlfriend. At times it was cute, the rages didnt really happen. Now that there are roomates here, and of course as she isn't their girlfriend she can't exert any control over them whatsoever; they have no interest in maintaining a relationship with her beyond roomates, and her lack of control over them is spilling into her amping up the control she wants to exert over me by holding me personally responsible. ("If you dont tell Ed and Vit to do the dishes right away and they dont do it then I'm going to do it my way and literally scream at them" or "If these roomates keep walking on my rug with their shoes on then you and I can't be together")

 

I cant control the roomates beyond powerful suggestion and threat of eviction; to be way too strong on them would just poison the environment in the house.

 

I do love the girl, I dont mind "cases" a little bit girls that are a bit rough personality wise. I will say that when she's in a good mood she can be a truly wonderful girlfriend. In this posting because I'm talking about the problems it can come out a bit one sided and your image of her may be of this horrible monster. At times, she can be a horrible monster; but there are many times when she's an amazing girlfriend to have. What I dont like is I'm seeing our relationship slide to the brink over these control issues.

 

I need to somehow get through to her that the way she is treating me and trying to control everything in her environment is wrong. I will try the foot down suggestion and not enabling her to give the orders although I know it will get a bit ugly.

 

The problem I guess is putting the foot down while trying to keep the peace at the same time. If the relationship becomes all about fights and power struggles, its not worth continuing, because then it's no fun any more. What I've been trying to do is get her to go out with me some place, downtown or a comedy club or something to a place where she has no control over the environment so she can just relax and we can have a nice time. But that's been difficult because she's always had a "reason" to be pissy.

[Lauriebell82]

I didn't read all of this but I think I get the drift. BTW, if you shortened your posts and got to the point I think more people would respond. Just a tip.

 

Anyway, she sounds more manipulative then controlling to me, hence the lying and deceit. It all sounds like she doesn't behave this way 24/7. It can be even more confusing/hard to have a "swing shift" partner. Has she ever had any mental health treatment? I see some possible Bipolar Disorder signs or even some kind of personality disorder such as Borderline. If you look those up and check out the criteria you may have a better idea at what you are dealing with.

 

First step: mention to her about whether or not she would be willing to seek mental health treatment.

[GorillaTheater]

I hesitated about whether or not to respond to this thread, since I know the ol' "kick her ass to the curb" advice can get a little tedious, but frankly that's my advice in this case. She's manipulating the hell out of you with her unreasonable demands and constant threats to break up if you don't comply, and she knows she can get away with it because you don't particularly like confrontation or want to deal with the ugliness of her rages (I understand that, I wouldn't be too keen on that either unless I was in the mood for some recreational sh*t-tossing). So, in effect, you're being a doormat. Screw that, life's too short.

 

If you DO want to make this work, you're going to have to confront her. You need to determine where your boundaries are, let her know where they are, and be prepared to follow through when they're crossed. In other words, it's your turn to say "if this doesn't change, we're through", but unlike her you need to follow through instead of it being an apparently empty, manipulative threat.

[2sure]

She is liar, she is mean, her sense of entitlement is beyond her means.

Sure, you can forgive a lie. But in this case - she knows that you know that she lied about her career. And she instead of being contrite, is defensive to the point of irrational rage. Sure, you can look past that too if you want , but she is also just plain mean. To you and to others. She has no friends.

 

You can try to look past her faults if you want to, or even feel sorry for her but the fact is she was hot to move in with you almost immediately because the rest of the world wont let her treat them like garbage. You will. She knows this, senses that you are vulnerable and beneath her and holds you in contempt....just for tolerating her. Or breathing. Maybe she feels so insecure and guilty she defends herself out of inner turmoil?? Uhhh, ok. If you are good with being berated in front of everyone you know, in your own home, and in front of those you lead by a chick less accomplished than yourself...None of the problems are with her, but with you.

 

I am betting that she also moved in with you because her security guard income did not allow her to support herself. I am also betting that her laptop and ipod were not stolen and that soon she will begin physically abusing you.

 

Some people arent crazy, they are just mean.

[GorillaTheater]

soon she will begin physically abusing you.

 

This seems to be a realistic possibility in this case. What are you going to do if it gets to this level, canadaguy?

[canadaguy98]

Lauriebell82: I know she was in a car accident that put her into a coma when she was much younger. This was her reason for not driving and wanting to take public transit. It could have had an effect on her. She has not seeked out mental health assistance to my knowledge at any time. Thanks for the input, I'll look those up. Bipolar I've dealt with before (an ex), I dont think that is the case, but I'll look up Borderline to see. As for the post length, I type real fast, sorry about that :-)

 

GorillaTheatre: If things dont get better, kicking her to the curb is the only real option. I can't go on being disrespected like this regularly and ordered around. Things were great before, with a capital G; I hope that things can return to that state at one point or your suggestion is really the only option. Confrontation tends to lead to nowhere land; I'm hoping to get through to her in a way that she won't shut out.

 

2sure: She can be quite mean, however I would stop at saying she is 'just plain mean'. She very much like to help people, she's helped me out a lot in various ways. Where the meanness comes out is when things do not go her way. Or if someone disagrees with her or treats her with anything other than the highest of respect.

"I am also betting that her laptop and ipod were not stolen and that soon she will begin physically abusing you. ". The laptop was mine, the iPod was hers. She cried in the bathroom for half an hour over the loss of all her songs, she loved that thing. I think that it actually was stolen. As for physical abuse, not yet and if that did occur then I'd be giving her her walking papers instantly; if I were to fight back as the guy in the picture we all know how that would end; with me in jail.

 

--

 

I appreciate all of your suggestions, they really help me to see different perspectives in this weird case.

[BUENG1]

Lauriebell82: I know she was in a car accident that put her into a coma when she was much younger. This was her reason for not driving and wanting to take public transit. It could have had an effect on her. She has not seeked out mental health assistance to my knowledge at any time. Thanks for the input, I'll look those up. Bipolar I've dealt with before (an ex), I dont think that is the case, but I'll look up Borderline to see. As for the post length, I type real fast, sorry about that :-)

 

GorillaTheatre: If things dont get better, kicking her to the curb is the only real option. I can't go on being disrespected like this regularly and ordered around. Things were great before, with a capital G; I hope that things can return to that state at one point or your suggestion is really the only option. Confrontation tends to lead to nowhere land; I'm hoping to get through to her in a way that she won't shut out.

 

2sure: She can be quite mean, however I would stop at saying she is 'just plain mean'. She very much like to help people, she's helped me out a lot in various ways. Where the meanness comes out is when things do not go her way. Or if someone disagrees with her or treats her with anything other than the highest of respect.

"I am also betting that her laptop and ipod were not stolen and that soon she will begin physically abusing you. ". The laptop was mine, the iPod was hers. She cried in the bathroom for half an hour over the loss of all her songs, she loved that thing. I think that it actually was stolen. As for physical abuse, not yet and if that did occur then I'd be giving her her walking papers instantly; if I were to fight back as the guy in the picture we all know how that would end; with me in jail.

 

--

 

I appreciate all of your suggestions, they really help me to see different perspectives in this weird case.

 

Regardless of whether you will get back together or not, I would ask her to leave. This sounds like a fake breakup, but I mean this relationship seems awful anyways so you might as well make it real.

 

If you insist on keeping this relationship going I would tell her to get some counseling/anger management/ mental help before continuing to live together and ask that she live within a reasonable amount of time.

 

I mean she sounds very unstable, and this has domestic abuse claims written all over it. She will start a fight and say you beat her. When/if you ask her to leave, you should look into getting a restraining order, if she's made threats against you( I don't know the requirements to get a restraining order, and how that works if you live with the person, I can't give any advice about the legalities of this situation). She sounds unstable, and violent.

Seems like a miserable person to live with. You should try to keep it civil, if she refuses to leave you would probably have to evict her(if you own the place, I don't know how it works if you don't) and those are ugly and expensive.

[canadaguy98]

Lauriebell82: I have never heard a better description than the symptoms of Borderline of what I am going through. I'm going to research it further