Excuses, excuses, excuses!!

[Star Gazer]

This could easily go in the "rants" forum.

 

I just received a really lame email telling me how freaking awesome I am, what an amazing catch I am, blah blah blah, but explaining that the reason why I'm apparently not dateable for this person is because I'm a little over an hour's drive away. This pi$$es me off.

 

If you've followed my background over the past 2-3 months, you know who the sender of said email is...but it honestly doesn't matter. I am not pi$$ed because of who sent said email, but the fact that such a lame excuse was used.

 

So here's a little edification for all you daters out there: Do not intentionally seek out someone outside of your geographical boundaries (in this case, outside of your county because almost everyone within your county is under 24 bc it's a college town/county), then tell that someone they have everything that you're looking for, woo them and court them, and then sit in silence for a month to later pop up out of nowhere to try to woo them again and THEN claim that the ONE HOUR DRIVE to get to them makes the relationship too cumbersome. This is either (1) a LAME copout for some other reason for which you do not have the cajones to disclose, or (2) you simply do not have it in you to have a real relationship PERIOD because you're not willing to put ANY effort WHATSOEVER into giving something great a chance. Grow some balls/ovaries and tell the truth. It's so much kinder.

 

When I lived in L.A., someone who was less than 10 miles away could EASILY take an hour or more to get to. I can't imagine how many people I would have missed out on if I had purposefully chosen to nix everyone from my dating pool who lived outside my freaking ZIP CODE.

 

I'm so over dating. So over it.

[tanbark813]

F**k him. (Figuratively, not literally. )

[Star Gazer]

F**k him. (Figuratively, not literally. )

 

Definitely not literally.

 

I'm just pissed I got such a lame EXCUSE. Whatever happened to HONESTY?

[oppath]

Come on SG, I've got an "I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship" after being told "I love you and think you are the guy I am going to marry." Honesty...I don't expect honesty from a woman. I try to live with integrity and be as honest as possible. I'm sure I fail at times, though never after leading someone on. When we've had any sort of intimacy, "I don't feel we are right for each other" or something along those lines is said, no false hope, no bs given. Clean break.

 

You handled everything well. Be proud of yourself. Keep in mind, that this guy lives too far from YOU. You don't want to waste your time on a guy like him.

 

I understand your point though...have integrity! If you aren't ready for a relationship, be upfront about it, and don't give mixed signals such as saying "you are everything I want" etc. Brutal honesty can be bad, but sugar coated honesty is assertive and respectful. People can swallow sugar coated medicine even if it is a little bitter. People can't swallow ****, however, no matter what candy coating you put on it.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Come on SG, I've got an "I'm not emotionally ready for a relationship" after being told "I love you and think you are the guy I am going to marry." Honesty...I don't expect honesty from a woman. I try to live with integrity and be as honest as possible. I'm sure I fail at times, though never after leading someone on. When we've had any sort of intimacy, "I don't feel we are right for each other" or something along those lines is said, no false hope, no bs given. Clean break.

 

You handled everything well. Be proud of yourself. Keep in mind, that this guy lives too far from YOU. You don't want to waste your time on a guy like him.

 

I understand your point though...have integrity! If you aren't ready for a relationship, be upfront about it, and don't give mixed signals such as saying "you are everything I want" etc. Brutal honesty can be bad, but sugar coated honesty is assertive and respectful. People can swallow sugar coated medicine even if it is a little bitter. People can't swallow ****, however, no matter what candy coating you put on it.

 

Now that's smart and funny, Oppath.

[Krytellan]

Sorry Star. I hate cowardice.

[oppath]

Now that's smart and funny, Oppath.

 

Well, I did turn down MIT for grad school (biggest mistake of my life) and recently took a comedy class . I've got some smart zingers in me.

 

SG, yeah, dishonesty sucks. Have some cajones. Cowards suck. But look at it this way, would you want to get involved with someone who is a coward? No. When your emotions are on the line, you need someone who is ASSERTIVE. You need someone who will stand up for your emotions, even if it means hurting them. This guy doesn't deserve you; you're like superwoman, only you probably look better in your underpants, and you use your powers for both good and awesome instead of just good. Let him shower with a bunch of dudes and ask them to pass the soap.

 

I'm nowhere near over my ex because she was dishonest and was a coward. I'm trying to beat it into my head that when my feelings and heart are on the table, I deserve someone who is strong enough to send it back to the kitchen if it's not what they want, not someone who will let them stew in a crock-of-**** pot with copout breakup reasons. Quite simply, I need someone who will stand up for my emotions even if that means hurting me. People with integrity do exist -- and we also fail at times because we are not infallible -- but they do exist. It sucks that so many people lack integrity, but ultimately you'll find someone who possesses it. You're strong, and you won't settle for less.

[GALT]

AN hour is a long way away. I had a few relationships break apart cause of distance. I don't think it is a lame cop out

[oppath]

But seeking her out, outside of his geographical area, and him telling her "you're everything I want," etc, and then using the distance IS a cop out. He was perfectly willing to go through the thrill of the chase and to overcome the distance, but not for great intimacy. There is a lack of integrity in that action.

[Herzen]

"I just received a really lame email telling me how freaking awesome I am, what an amazing catch I am, blah blah blah, but explaining that the reason why I'm apparently not dateable for this person is because I'm a little over an hour's drive away. This pi$$es me off."

 

Star, you have good grounds to be ticked off. If a woman is an "amazing catch" (by the way, you're not a flounder), a 60+ minute drive is nothing. That's simply BS--a pretext, as we say in employment law.

 

However, do you really want to know the true reasons for the rejection? If so, you're a braver person than I.

 

If you're feeling bitter and disappointed, take a break from the dating game. And once you recover, and you will, get back in there.

 

Good luck, woman.

[GALT]

I agree to court and dump is spineless. I am well aware of my geographic desirability! So when someone is out of that--they know up front. Usually they end up being a friend that gets together every now and then..no benefits tot hat friendship

[Art_Critic]

AN hour is a long way away. I had a few relationships break apart cause of distance. I don't think it is a lame cop out

 

I did a relationship once that was about 1 hr away.. it was horrible

 

She also live 30-40 mins from anything too.. So I would travel an hour to pick her up after driving 30 mins from work.. then drive 30 mins to dinner then 30 mins back to her house.. have sex.. then an hour back to my house..

 

A typical dinner date I would spend almost 4 hours driving just to take her for food..

Do that 2-3 times a week for a few months and you start looking elsewhere for someone closer.

 

The sex wasn't that great...

 

I think SG's guy has found another person he is dating that is local...

He also most likely did not realize how much time it would take to do a relationship from that kind of distance.. I didn't when I did it ..

[latefragment]

star, i have been lurking for a while (longtime member though) and reading your posts with great interest. that's because something VERY similar happened to me in january.

 

like you, i *really* liked the guy - WAY MORE than i should have. it's rare that i meet someone i actually *like* in a real way. we only dated for 1.5 months but somehow, he happened to be one of those guys that can inflict a lot of damage in a short amount of time. i mean, usually when i get rejected it hurts but i can rationalize that the guy wasn't right for me anyway. with this f*ckface i was still crying for months, even into a few weeks ago.

 

anyway the point is he appeared *very* interested in me and made explicit promises regarding us being together. I mean, i know when i write this it sounds contrived, and i guess it was, but at the time i was swept up in his doe-eyed admiration and gushiness over me. sort of the same way the FF f*cked you up with his mushy talk. BARF!!!!! the worst part is that i felt the same way about him - i hadn't liked someone like that in a long time. we took a trip together and i met his parents. BARF!!!!

 

whatever. he dropped off the face of the planet. period. when we did talk a few weeks later, he was all apologies. wanted to try again. promised to call me in a few days. no call. then i get an email saying, sorry i can't do this.

 

THAT WAS IT. so i got him on the phone. WTF. he was like, "whatever, sorry" and "i'm too busy right now" and "maybe let's try again in a month or two. i'll call you"

 

i was crushed. like an idiot i contacted again in 1.5 months. of course i got ignored.

 

star, at least be happy you weren't as stupid as i was.

 

how dumbsh*t can i get? but of course i don't do this with every guy who rejects me - only the ones that make me feel feelings i haven't felt in a looong looong time (you know, the scary feelings of falling for someone when you really get vulnerable and you don't even know that you've let yourself become vulnerable until it's too late and you're hurting from this gaping wound and you're like how did that happen and then it's like, 'oh that's right i let him in' - that kind of feeling).

 

anyway the point of this post was to COMPLETELY agree with you on the bullsh*t excuses. it's really sh**tty what happened to you with the nasty FF guy. UGH. i'm sorry this had to happen to you. you'd think i would've cried enough tears for the both of us in january so that at least one of us could've dodged a bullet.

[GALT]

A typical dinner date I would spend almost 4 hours driving just to take her for food..

Do that 2-3 times a week for a few months and you start looking elsewhere for someone closer.

 

The lengths men will go to for a piece of ass...and a not so good one at that!

[Topper]

being rejected sucks. It is never a good feeling. especially when you have strong feeling and the other person does not share those same feelings.

his excuse was rather lame. Not sure if any excuse would easy the hurt or be of some comfort.

[oppath]

Hey, at least he didn't ask to be friends with benefits!

 

Agreed, being rejected sucks, especially when you have feelings, and the other person, well, just doesn't. It's one of the worst feelings in the world.

 

I think a bigger problem for SG is that his justification took so long. I mean, come on. It takes weeks of silence on his part for his guilt to catch up to him? So not only is he being lame, he's being cowardly about it too. Distance is no problem until he gets some ass, but then it is an issue. Nope, I don't buy it.

 

Now, I am guilty of being lame. It happens to all of us. We are not infallible. I think SG would have just appreciate him saying this WEEKS ago when she was sitting by the phone, waiting for him to call after they had sex! after he did court her!

[Star Gazer]

Let him shower with a bunch of dudes and ask them to pass the soap.

 

That's freakin' awesome!!

 

If a woman is an "amazing catch" (by the way, you're not a flounder), a 60+ minute drive is nothing. That's simply BS--a pretext, as we say in employment law.

 

However, do you really want to know the true reasons for the rejection? If so, you're a braver person than I.

 

If you're feeling bitter and disappointed, take a break from the dating game. And once you recover, and you will, get back in there.

 

Good luck, woman.

 

Thanks, dude. (1) You're right - it was pretextual, nothing more. (2) I don't really care what the real reasons are - I just wish he hadn't made up a lame excuse. (3) I AM taking a break. My experiences recently have not been too good.

 

She also live 30-40 mins from anything too.. So I would travel an hour to pick her up after driving 30 mins from work.. then drive 30 mins to dinner then 30 mins back to her house.. have sex.. then an hour back to my house..

 

I think SG's guy has found another person he is dating that is local...

He also most likely did not realize how much time it would take to do a relationship from that kind of distance.. I didn't when I did it ..

 

Well, he lives in a very small college town. His animus for even seeking out women outside of his geographical area was due to the fact that the gross majority of women in his small college town are under the age of 24 (he's 34), and he couldn't find anyone he was compatible with. He purposefully sought out women in a specific city in California, where there is not only a much more diverse and relatable dating pool, but WAY more to do and see and experience than in his town. He knew full well how much time it would take to date me and/or anyone else here, and it was HOURS LESS than his 2 other previous long distance relationships (his others were over 2,000 and 800 miles away). He's done it before under "worse" circumstances, so his refusal to do it now is just a cop out.

 

The lengths men will go to for a piece of ass...and a not so good one at that!

 

My ass is pretty nice though.

 

Hey, at least he didn't ask to be friends with benefits!

 

I think a bigger problem for SG is that his justification took so long. I mean, come on. It takes weeks of silence on his part for his guilt to catch up to him? So not only is he being lame, he's being cowardly about it too. Distance is no problem until he gets some ass, but then it is an issue. Nope, I don't buy it.

 

Now, I am guilty of being lame. It happens to all of us. We are not infallible. I think SG would have just appreciate him saying this WEEKS ago when she was sitting by the phone, waiting for him to call after they had sex! after he did court her!

 

EXACTLY! If distance was an issue, it should have been an issue BEFORE we slept together and/or shortly afterward, not like 6 WEEKS later. He's a complete coward.

 

Oh, and he did suggest at a FWB situation...because he loves EVERYTHING about me except the distance, but would LOVE to see me if he's ever in the area or vice versa. Puleeeeeze.

Edited December 18, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[oppath]

You might be reading too much into his statement being FWB, but in general, I agree. You don't call a girl you've courted after you've slept with her, and then are lame about it, but then suggest some sort of long distance friendship? Maybe if he had been upfront, friends, with the benefits of friends could happen, but he wasn't. So he doesn't even get those benefits.

 

I too am taking a dating moratorium. I realize I'm not over my ex and the bitter feelings there. Not at all. And it wasn't that long of a relationship. It's just...I felt used and discarded like expired meat. I've been dating, and I've been upfront -- just tonight I called a woman and told her I am leaving town, so I can't comfortably pursue her in a dating context -- hard to tell how she took it since we did go out once. I will call her out as a friend, but I'm over dating. I don't need that stress right now and to me there's not much purpose if I'm not open to something happening. Dating to me implies being open to something happening. Otherwise, just meet new people as friends, and get a **** buddy if it appears, but I'm not going to date to find a **** buddy or to get laid, and I'm not going to buy any girl saying she's down to just have fun either unless it's clearly hooking up she initiates (no dating to get to that point).

 

Dating can take a backseat for a couple months while I work on myself. As long as I keep social, that's probably when I'll meet someone anyway.

 

It sounds like you've had some bad experiences, so just let them go for awhile. You're a fine piece of intelligent ass and as much as it can suck to feel lonely, DATING sucks more. I like being single, I dislike dating. Most ambitious intelligent people are this way because it just feels like a waste of time if it can't go anywhere. Casual/serial dating isn't much fun because we feel we are wasting our time, and it's hard to find the joy in mediocre experiences.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Another excellent post, Oppath.

 

Don't let this go to your head, but you're on the way to becoming one of the more "exalted" LSers.

 

 

You've made some great points. Keep it up.

[alphamale]

When I lived in L.A., someone who was less than 10 miles away could EASILY take an hour or more to get to.

man you're tellin' me sister. when i was working out there I was living in Pasadena and working in Santa Monica, a total of around 18 miles. It would take around 2 hrs avg one way, and that was on a good day. It could take up to 2.5 hrs to 3 hrs if there was an accident.

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

man you're tellin' me sister. when i was working out there I was living in Pasadena and working in Santa Monica, a total of around 18 miles. It would take around 2 hrs avg one way, and that was on a good day. It could take up to 2.5 hrs to 3 hrs if there was an accident.

 

I am chuckling at your post, Alph. You say things so funnily..."Man you're tellin' me sister"? LOL

 

I see how you try and differentiate women you're not hitting on, by addressing them as "sister".

 

It's almost your way of saying "You safe with me, beeya*ch".

 

I like it when any LSer makes me laugh.

[GALT]

My ass is pretty nice though.

 

Hey sweety---was not talking about your ass, was talking about the ass of the woman that Art_critic went to see! Sorry!

[Steveto]

Does this guy have a car? That is a pretty bad excuse..maybe he told you all those good things to make you feel better? anyway..bottom line is that he was trying to get out of something he wasnt obviously ready for and has no idea what he is losing.

 

I'm stuck..I live in Europe, but from Toronto...so a reltionship is difficult especially when people in Europe think I am only temporary (been here 3 years already) and not good for long term and back in Canada..I am too far away..

 

Trying to talk to someone now..that seems to be going no where at them moment, but shes like a 5.5 hr drive from me and in a different country..the thought of being too far for me never even crossed my mind..that's like driving to Montreal ffs..8-)

[zeldazelda]

what should he have said? "sorry, you're right, an hour's drive isn't that bad, the thing is...you're simply not worth that hour"...?

 

do you really want to hear that? cause that basically is what it means.

 

who is anyone to decide that whatever reason he doesn't want to date someone is a "lame excuse"?

 

people kill me sometimes.

[Star Gazer]

what should he have said? "sorry, you're right, an hour's drive isn't that bad, the thing is...you're simply not worth that hour"...?

 

do you really want to hear that? cause that basically is what it means.

 

who is anyone to decide that whatever reason he doesn't want to date someone is a "lame excuse"?

 

people kill me sometimes.

 

You're totally missing the point. No, he didn't need to say, "You're not WORTH an hour," that would have been flat out RUDE. But if that IS what he was thinking, he should have said that he just didn't think we were right for each other, period...because if that's true distance is irrelevant. Instead, he said we are PERFECT for one another, the ONLY problem is distance. He repeated this several times through several exchanges.

 

IMHO, anything less than the truth IS a lame excuse.