My bf is suffering from depression.

[Sooni]

I met a wonderful man over a 16 months ago. Drawn to him for his vibrance, vivaciousness, his smile, humor and the twinkle in his eyes......and his attractiveness as well! Things were great in the begining. Until depression hit him. It hit him about 9 months ago. He has let him self go. He stays home and drinks, he's put on alot of weight. The cause of his depression is the fact that he feels his life is going no where. He has a degree in teaching only to find out teaching is not what he expected. Now he works construction and hates it. He hates his life, he's unmotivated.

 

His depression is also harming our relationship. He is very very distant. Won't allow me to get close and at times has been down right mean to me. But he has never called me a name to my face, nor raised his hand or his voice at me. He has told me that he doesn't want to lose me, that I am everything he has ever wanted in a woman, but just isn't ready right now to make a commitment. He has even cried a few times from the thought of losing me. He said if he can't even take care of himself, how could he possibly take care of a family. He broke it of as bf/gf and remaind as "intimate friends", this was what he wanted. I'm guessing because since he's having such difficult time with him self, the respondsibilities of a girlfriend is to much right now. He is attentive to me when we are together, but no longer show affection towards me infront of his friends. He doesn't want them to know we are still seeing one another (this is stupid because we show up to social gatherings together). He has told me that he would fully understand if I decide

 

to break it off with him. And has asked me on occassions why I am still with him. I am the only person that he has regular contact with. He has pretty much seperated himself from his friends and the joys of life.

 

Due to his depression, I am feeling lonely and isolated. We don't spend as much time with one another as we use to. I give him the space he needs. I don't nag or ask alot of questions.

 

I send him cards of encouragement and keep telling him that next year will be better. When I tell him that, he looks at me and says "You really think so?" In a hopefull sort of tone.

 

Also, he won't see a doctor......most men don't.

 

Part of me thinks he just keeps me around so he won't be alone.

 

Do I stay by his side during his depression and continue to encourage him and be his moral support or do I bail so I can fullfill my own personal needs and wants?

 

Please advise.

[odyne]

This is something that comes up every once in a while on this forum. It's really hard to give advice on this kind of situation without knowing all the facts but you did a good job of telling your story so I'll do my best...

 

You have a couple of choices, what you decide kind of depends on your understanding of his personality and what will work. Before I go through this though I just want to remind you that you have every right to be happy and feel good about your life, so make sure you are taking care of yourself while you are trying to deal with his problems.

 

Another thing that may be helpful is going back in the forum, a person named SareBear had a similar situation and she may be able to give you some good advice on this subject or at least let you know what happened with her boyfriend.

 

Ok, onto the advice(options)..

 

#1- You lay down the law and say that if he doesn't get help (could be from a counselor or a doctor) that you can't help him and you'll have to break things off

 

problems: if he is the kind of person who won't do this kind of thing, you may lose him and he may go further into his depression, this is one of those times where you have to judge his personality to anticipate his reaction

 

#2- You don't deal directly with his depression, but say you are having major problems with the relationship and ask him to see a counselor with you. hopefully he would go by himself and one of the issues with your relationship that came up would be how he feels, etc etc

 

problems: he may not get into his feelings, a lot of people have trouble with that

 

#3- You can pour out your feelings to him and express your frustration with trying to help him. it may be one of those "if he can't love himself, how can he love anyone else?" things

 

#4- If you are really unhappy with the relationship and don't think anything can save it, move on...you deserve to be happy. Maybe the shock of you leaving will bring him out of it.

 

#5- You be a friend and only a friend to him. Don't let him wallow in his sorrows, get him out and about. Wake him up from his depression and see if you can get him moving again, at the same time taking care of your life and getting things back in order.

 

Most of all, the thing that I advice anyone with relationship problems to do is talk to him! Take some time to yourself and do things you like, don't let yourself get bogged down and feel unloved. It's okay to have a life even if he is shutting his off at this point. If he really is severly depressed, he should see someone about it whether he likes it or not. I'm not saying he should jump on prozac, but talking to someone who is experienced with this kind of thing can't hurt him.

 

Good luck, take care...

 

Odyne

 

Oh yeah, let me know what happens? If you need anything else, email me.