Romance vs. Frustration

[Ryan West]

I am looking for some advice, as I'm finding it very difficult to decide how to handle this situation.

 

Well, it's about a very special and dear friend of mine. She's 17 and I'm 19. I met her about 8 months ago when I dated her best friend. When things didn't turn out so well between the friend and me, I started visiting her a lot and we became very good friends. There was never a romantic side to our relationship; both of us went through other relationships.

 

We told each other everything and asked each other advice about our relationships. We saw a lot of each other: Both in the week and when we went out. We were best friends.

 

Then one night something happened that changed everything:

 

She called me at home and asked me to come to her house. She didn't want to go out with this guy, and wanted me to cover for her. I went there and told the guy a story about why she couldn't go with him, and, when he left, she went with me to my house. My parents were gone and we sat in my room just chatting. I was in a relationship at the time and my girlfriend phoned me.

 

She lied in my bed while I talked to my girlfriend. After I hung up, I also climbed into bed. After a while something VERY unexpected happened, and we kissed, for the first time. I still don't know exactly how it happened. At first I backed up and said no, but it was amazing and I couldn't resist. We both enjoyed it enormously, but it was no more than a kiss.

 

Later on I took her home and we agreed not to think about what had happened until the next day. Well, to say the least, I was in the clouds. It was something I thought about and hoped for, but I didn't expect it to actually happen. I couldn't sleep that night; I was too excited!

 

We didn't talk about it the next day, we just avoided the subject altogether. I felt incredibly nervous and unsure when I went to her. I just couldn't talk about it. She didn't bring it up either. Two days after it happened she came to my work and we went out for a drink together, with the intention of sorting things out. It was gnawing me all the time.

 

Well, we didn't say much to each other until we drove home. She did most of the talking, and it basically came to the following: She considers our friendship irreplaceable, and she has no other GOOD friends other than myself. She thought that a romantic relationship between the two of us would ruin that friendship, if for some reason it didn't work out. I tried to convince her otherwise, but I really couldn't think straight and talk any sense. I was very confused.

 

To say the least, I was shattered. I really thought that we were finally going to be together and that she'd be mine.

 

We drifted apart for 2 weeks after that. We still saw each other, but it was very uncomfortable and unsure, and we argued a lot. I broke up with my girlfriend after feeling terribly guilty, while she got together with a guy she just met.

 

At a party at a mutual friend's house, we finally talked about what had happened, and decided together that we'd forget about that night and restore our friendship. She told me that she loves me and didn't want to lose me. I told her the same.

 

Our friendship is mended now, and we're actually closer than we were, but I'm not satisfied; I feel empty. I feel that I simply can't get over it and I'm getting frustrated. I can't help it and I want her to be mine. Not just a very good friend. I want her as a girlfriend. I love her, and I know now that I love her more than mere friends do each other.

 

I don't know if she feels the same way, and I don't know how I'll find out. This is my struggle: I'm having trouble seeing her as just a friend. My heart skips when I see her, I turn green with jealousy when she and her boyfriend are in the same room as me. I don't know what to do, and whether I should talk to her about it. I don't want to make her mad by admitting that our friendship isn't enough for me. I know that it means a lot to her and that she won't be able to live without it, and I won't be able to either, but I have more to give.

 

What should I do?

 

-Ryan West

 

South Africa