I dont know how to be a step parent

[almostthere]

I am a full time mom of two young children (5 and 8 years old). I have been doing it by myself for almost four years with the exception of last month. My boyfriend moved in with us. They really like him and he likes them. The problem is me. He has 3 kids of his own. They live with the mom. I cannot get over how expensive it is trying to raise two full time kids and finacially support 3 more! All I ever wanted was two because I thought raising a big family now a days is insane. (no offense to those of you who do it everyday....i give you more credit then i could ever take). He is perfect for me and the kids. The problem is is that i cannot afford things for everyone. My mom is buying my kids school supplies and now he wants us to pay for his kids when I cant afford my own already! I want to take my kids on vacation once a year and I promised them this before him. Now he wants his kids to go too but I cannot afford to bring three extra people. The cost is almost $6000 then instead of $3000. Its like everything doubled. everyone else just pays their child support. I think i have picked the right guy but i think i made a mistake. i never dated anyone with more then one kid of their own. now i am dating someone with three kids. its too expensive and I feel guilty when i try to make good on my promises with my kids and leave his home. but i feel even worse when i keep doing things for his and not my own (buying school supplies). I am thinking of breaking up with him because i am a selfish *itch because i want to take my kids everywhere and show them everything like i did before him but i cannot aford to take his kids too and that he puts most of the money in the bank that i would be using for this vacation for my kids because i am in school to become a doctor. I still work 30 hours a week so i do contribute but not even close to what he does. but someday he wont even have to work anymore. his kids are out of control. They break things, crash things as hard as they can into walls. They pull blades off of ceiling fans if they can reach, bust light bulbs just because they can. I cannot spend 8 days with them. I have a hard enough time spending 8 hours every other sunday with them. what do i do? i love kids but i think they need discipline and i dont think kids need to be that hyper. I have to hide anything i dont want them to get into because a simple no isnt good enough. I just cannot imagine having them for a week. if my bf ever found this sight i would be dead.

 

any advice?

 

I was thinking about asking him to just go alone with his kids saying i couldnt get sitter for mine (chances are great that i cant anyway).

 

I was thinking about going back to bartending every fri and sat night for extra cash and splitting the joint bills 50/50 and then we each have our own money so i can justify just taking my kids places.

 

or just breaking it off and being single awhile until i can meet men who have older children or when i am out of school.

[Buttaflyy]

There are many issues here, but I have to start off by saying that, yes you should accept his children in to your home and include them when there are family vacations/outings. I don't quite understand what your financial situation is. It seems that you've implied that he's the main supporter for all of you. If this is so, do you really think it's fair to ask him to provide for your kids and not his own?

 

I think you really do need to evaluate what you want. If you are involved with a man who has 3 kids, then you have to consider them as well as your own. At least remember that he has to.

 

As for the discipline of the children, is he around when they're over? I'd talk to him about it. If you are going to continue this relationship it seems you'd have to broaden your expectations to include his children as well as your own. Talk to him about this so that you can understand what exactly is expected.

[Craig]

if my bf ever found this sight i would be dead.

Now that is a red flag to me. If you can't share your concerns with your bf then the relationship is lacking some basic intimacy.

 

Why isn't it possible for him to pay for his own kids expenses? I thought he makes more than you do.

[almostthere]

I know i have to learn to accept his kids. Its just that they dont listen to me and they dont behave at all. I am not saying mine are perfect but they know what they can and cannot touch and when i say no then they dont continue touch it. Last weekend they had all my daughters clothes pulled out of her dresser, threw around my moms boxes of breakables, got into all my makeup and open a collectable i told them not to.

 

and when i say he would kill me its because of the way i say his kids dont listen. i dont know how to talk to him and say your kids are too much they need some discipline. then he says my kids misbehave too...my daughter plays with water in the bathroom. its water...its not boxes of breakables worth over $1000.00 together. I had them out because my mom is renting the condo to us so i was packing her stuff up before they came for the day. they have been left out for 4 years. my kids know not to touch them.

 

I just dont know what to do. i used to be the provider but then i wanted to go back to school. now he is. I still make enough. I can just about pay for all the bills on my own if i needed to. especially after my child support kicks back in. so i dont need his money we just pool it all together. i wouldnt mind taking them places if they werent so unruly.

[a4a]

The problem is not the kids at all.... put them out of your mind. The problem is your BF.

 

You are going to have to put your foot down not only to save your relationship but to help his kids become decent adults.

 

Time to open a can of whoop ass! (not literal whip ass) but with your mind.

 

If he is not willing to solve it with you, leave him.

 

His kids will have an influence on your kids as well... think of it from that angle.

[Buttaflyy]

I know i have to learn to accept his kids. Its just that they dont listen to me and they dont behave at all. I am not saying mine are perfect but they know what they can and cannot touch and when i say no then they dont continue touch it. Last weekend they had all my daughters clothes pulled out of her dresser, threw around my moms boxes of breakables, got into all my makeup and open a collectable i told them not to.

 

and when i say he would kill me its because of the way i say his kids dont listen. i dont know how to talk to him and say your kids are too much they need some discipline. then he says my kids misbehave too...my daughter plays with water in the bathroom. its water...its not boxes of breakables worth over $1000.00 together. I had them out because my mom is renting the condo to us so i was packing her stuff up before they came for the day. they have been left out for 4 years. my kids know not to touch them.

 

I just dont know what to do. i used to be the provider but then i wanted to go back to school. now he is. I still make enough. I can just about pay for all the bills on my own if i needed to. especially after my child support kicks back in. so i dont need his money we just pool it all together. i wouldnt mind taking them places if they werent so unruly.

 

 

This is a whole nother matter. Why is it that you cant tell him that his kids need discipline and he tells you that yours misbehave?

 

I ask again, where is he when his kids are running amuck? You guys have to set some ground rules that EVERYONE must stick to. Try and talk to him about your concerns. Tell him that you both should come up with some rules for the children, when they do not follow them there shall be some sort of disciplinary action handed out. You both can decide on the methods. You both should be involved with handing out the punishments.

 

You said that his kids don't listen to you. It's his job to make them. If he wants you taking care of them he must make sure that they respect you as an adult. He has to take more responsibility for them.

 

As for the financial responsibilities, I still don't understand your point. If he's the main supporter then why wouldn't you expect him to provide for them?

[almostthere]

Since we are living together and have been together for a year and half and the kids know me does that give me the right to start putting my foot down around them? I dont want them to hate me and with a mom like theirs they really dont have a chance. ok...thats not fair. however...she has a son they didnt have together. he is almost 20 years old. he is unemployed and has been since i met my bf. he smokes pot in the house around these kids and both parents know it. he also drinks with his friends over from bottles they stole from the dominicks down the street and both parents know it. the thing that worries me is that if my bf allowed him to do it will he allow his kids to do it too? and if that is the case then what about mine? when i met him he was smoking too. i told him the first day we met that i would never date anyone who was into drugs even if it was only pot. he quit and i know that for sure, before we decided to take it from friendship to more. so i am worried about how he will take it when one of the kids starts. I mean out of 5 (3 of which see it everyday) someone is bound to do it. my ex and i are strongly against it so we keep mentioning that to our kids now. his kids dont get that. please dont get me wrong my bf is not a bad dad. he is good. however, i think he is good enough to be a step dad but i wouldnt have my own children with him. only because right now i have all the say so in how i want my kids raised and he doesnt feel that if i am around he still gets to tell them not to do things. he yells at his kids. he doesnt yell at mine. i make him soundso bad. he is such a sweet, kind and caring person. i just expect him to treat my kids the way i treat them. just as i should treat his kids the way he wants me to treat his kids. his girls are a little overweight which is making them develop their chests already they are 7 and 8 years old. he wants me to take them for bras which i dont mind doing but i know their mom will be really angered. however, she doesnt want to do it. but they do need it. its hard to see them 2 times a month and fulfill his wishes in teaching them. he wants me to teach them strength, what it means to be a girl and later a woman and things that their mom should do but doesnt do with them. he has even said he wishes i was their mom. i dont know....its just really hard right now. all of it. and i dont know how to make it better. i guess i just need to talk to him about it and if we cant work this out then i have some decisions to make.

[Buttaflyy]

I understand you more than you know. You do not make him sound bad at all. It's just really difficult when two parents (to kids who aren't biologically related) don't see eye to eye on parenting.

 

I'm in a similar situation, and I think that I see it's not about the kids. It's all of the adults and their parenting skills that cause conflict. In my situation, my bf has a daughter from a previous relationship the same as I. Her mother is not the best mom, and doesn't instill the lessons that he thinks girls should learn. While his daughter is well behaved, (thank GOD) he knows that her mothers influences could effect her later on in life. He has made the same comments before as yours did to you, about wishing that I was his daughters mom. The truth is that I am not, nor do I want to be. I adore her to pieces, but no one can replace someone's natural mother. What we do is, when she is with us, we try and talk to her and let her know what is right and wrong. He's had those talks with her very recently about drugs, cigarettes, alchohol, and boys! She's on her own come to me for advice about certain things. This is not something that was instant, over time, she learned to trust and respect me and she knows that I have no ill feelings toward her mother.

 

I think that your situation can be worked out. You need your BF's support and you both need understanding. I'd start by letting him discipline his children as you don't want to be the villian in their eyes. When they are misbehaving and he doesn't do anything about it, bring up (TO HIM) those rules that you both discussed. Let him know that this is all for their benefit. My SO had to point certain things out to me before about my daughter. He thought that she should do more to help out around the house, he told me about it. After all it is for her benefit, we want her to learn responsibility, we don't want her to be a lazy woman later on. I take no offense, because I know that his intent is for her well being. Talk to your SO and tell him all of your concerns. Tell him that you are concerned for their well being and these things must change. If he wants you to take part in their upbringing he must support you. As for their mom, if she gets angered about anything that you do with them, let him deal with it. I wouldn't entertain her at all.

[Outcast]

Actually, the step-parenting literature says that the primary parent has to be the primary disciplinarian of his own kids. I think you really need to get some good books on how to step-parent. You don't just try to stand in for the missing parent - that never works. There are all sorts of things you do do that aren't instinctive.

 

I was a successful step to four for a few years. I made it a point to read up on how to do it. And we all had a great time - I never had any trouble with them.

[Guest]

I am a full time mom of two young children (5 and 8 years old). I have been doing it by myself for almost four years with the exception of last month. My boyfriend moved in with us. They really like him and he likes them. The problem is me. He has 3 kids of his own. They live with the mom. I cannot get over how expensive it is trying to raise two full time kids and finacially support 3 more! All I ever wanted was two because I thought raising a big family now a days is insane. (no offense to those of you who do it everyday....i give you more credit then i could ever take). He is perfect for me and the kids.

 

The problem is is that i cannot afford things for everyone. My mom is buying my kids school supplies and now he wants us to pay for his kids when I cant afford my own already! I want to take my kids on vacation once a year and I promised them this before him. Now he wants his kids to go too but I cannot afford to bring three extra people. The cost is almost $6000 then instead of $3000. Its like everything doubled. everyone else just pays their child support. I think i have picked the right guy but i think i made a mistake. i never dated anyone with more then one kid of their own. now i am dating someone with three kids. its too expensive and I feel guilty when i try to make good on my promises with my kids and leave his home. but i feel even worse when i keep doing things for his and not my own (buying school supplies).

 

I am thinking of breaking up with him because i am a selfish *itch because i want to take my kids everywhere and show them everything like i did before him but i cannot aford to take his kids too and that he puts most of the money in the bank that i would be using for this vacation for my kids because i am in school to become a doctor. I still work 30 hours a week so i do contribute but not even close to what he does. but someday he wont even have to work anymore. his kids are out of control. They break things, crash things as hard as they can into walls. They pull blades off of ceiling fans if they can reach, bust light bulbs just because they can. I cannot spend 8 days with them. I have a hard enough time spending 8 hours every other sunday with them. what do i do? i love kids but i think they need discipline and i dont think kids need to be that hyper. I have to hide anything i dont want them to get into because a simple no isnt good enough. I just cannot imagine having them for a week. if my bf ever found this sight i would be dead.

 

any advice?

 

I was thinking about asking him to just go alone with his kids saying i couldnt get sitter for mine (chances are great that i cant anyway).

 

I was thinking about going back to bartending every fri and sat night for extra cash and splitting the joint bills 50/50 and then we each have our own money so i can justify just taking my kids places.

 

or just breaking it off and being single awhile until i can meet men who have older children or when i am out of school.

 

 

 

Almost there, I relate to your story...thank you for sharing...my mom raised 3 girls by herself while working as a waitress and attending college. My sisters and I were basically raised by sitters.

 

Will be back to comment in more detail when I have a little more time, gotta get off the Internet now.

 

You go girl!!!

 

Heather *

[bunnzy]

financially it sounds as though YOU are supporting yourself and your kids - and him and his kids. You need to change this and let your money be for you and your kids and HE takes responsibility for HIS financial obligations to HIS children.

 

I am a stepmum to 3 kids (although we have primary custody) and i know that children will act up in a unstable environment, thats why they are so ratty when they come back from weekends at their mums place.

 

If your boyfriend is making you support his children and not taking responsibility for his children, you need to get yourself and your kids away from him.

[penkitten]

sweetie, you are so overwhelmed right now that you are scared and worried that you wont be able to make this work. however, you really can do this.

 

first off, let me remind you that it is going to take you a little while to financially work it all out. make a budget. yes, really. this time next year, you guys will be able to afford all 5 kids supplies. stock pile some groceries when you can for when the whole bunch of you are together. get the kids all in school and get thru christmas as fairly as you can. budget how to pay the bills together and pay his support on time. this can be done. it just takes lots of willpower to stick to the budget you make.

 

second, being a step parent is one of the hardest jobs ever. his children are probally out of control because they lack something in their lives, maybe its as simple as missing dad. its hard to be a "every other weekend kid" too.

if you are living in a house big enough, make them a room. if you are not living in a house big enough, find one big enough closet to hang their clothes on and a dresser for their socks and undies and pjs. get them their own pillows and blankets for when they are there, and have them put them back in the closet before they go back to their moms.

if you want to make an impact, on both the children and their father, suggest he get them one evening a week for dinner if possible. include them on outings such as picnics or the zoo. perhaps he just doesnt get to spend enough quality time with them. the way you worded your post makes me feel that he yearns for them and he will yearn more and more now that he is getting closer to your children. baby step them all in to it.

 

as far as vacations, i think it would be good to take all the kids. perhaps you could have a family meeting about rules of the house and chores of the house and manners. you and your boyfriend can tell all the kids what is acceptable behavior and what is not. post the rules and the chores in the hall. make them write sentences of that rule 15 x each if they break it. they have to learn respect, manners, and responsiblity. my next summer, i am sure you can shape them up enough to go on a small vacation somewhere and everyone be able to enjoy it. the two of you can put your money together and pay for it together.

 

think positive, and dont give up. love will conquer all. everything else is just fear of failure and losing out. dont let that scare you enough to give up so soon. if this guy is worthy of your love, and your childrens, then so are his kids.

 

they probally need you more than you imagine . be strong.

[HorsenHeather]

AlmostThere, hi...I'm back, finally. And, after reading your original post (all the way through this time) I say...

 

Don't waste your time with your BF or his kids, get out before it's too late. Why waste precious time on such servere dyfunctionality when you don't have to? You, and your children, deserve so much better than T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

 

I'm not saying that you will ever find a happily-ever-after-relationship, because you won't, but you can do better than a guy who obviously needs a mommy more than a wife...and those poor children desperately need a father more than a guy who needs a mommy and a good mommy is never going to stand-in for a good father.

 

What are you holding on for? Don't you think you can find someone more complimentary to your personality, your lifestyle, and your way-of-thinking? Or is your BF the best that YOU think that you can do?

 

Hmmm. And, not to bring up the obvious, but what about the negative influence that your BF's kids are having on your kids, whether together on an outing or not?

 

Heather