lorenzo Posted October 4, 2005 Share Posted October 4, 2005 I am a stepfather of a 5 year old girl. Her biological dad sees her about once every 6 weeks on average because he travels for work. I have all of the responsibilities that a real parent would have and I definitely go way above and beyond the responsibilities her real dad fails to deliver on. Last weekend, it was my step-daughter's birthday and many of her biological family was there (dad, grandparents, etc). When opening the birthday cards, my step-daughter needed a little help, so I tried to assist, but her biological grandmother (the mother of the dad that was there) said in so many words to let Pete (the dad) help and that it wasn't my place. Needless to say, this hurt me beyond what words can describe. For her birthday party, I pretty much got to sit in the shadows and be the invisible man. Right now I am feeling pretty helpless because I have never put so much effort into being a parent, teaching my step-daughter good values, manners, being a good role-model, etc, and her dad (or playmate), reaps all of the benefits and rewards of being a daddy. I know that it is expected of me to have the responsibilities that I have, but what I am desperate to know is how can I get the same fullfillment that my wife and the biological dad have? My wife's attitude about the whole thing comes across as "Tough Sh$t -- suck it up and deal with it". It would be easier to deal with if my wife was supportive and appreciate of me but I am not getting that from her. Right now, I have a feeling of hopelessness and despair. It is such a bad feeling to put your heart and soul into giving your stepdaughter and wife a better quality of life, but the rewards and fullfillment of giving that to them are not given back. All I want is the same rewarding and fullfilling feeling that my wife and the biological dad have as parents. It seems as if I am the proverbial step-dad that gets left behind and left in the shadows in the moments when you want to share the love, laughter, and life that the child has to offer in those special moments such as birthdays and holidays like Father's day. Your honest opinions and feedback is appreciated. Don't hold back -- I want the honest truth. What is the best way to try to get that feeling of fullfillment of being a parent or would I be better off trying to reset my own expecations that I shouldn't expect that because I am not her "real" dad? Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 Hey Lorenzo, I know what you feel i too am a step parent and you can do all the work for the kid and never get any rewards.. You will always be second best no matter what you do for the child!! I have raised my ss since he was 2 and now that he is 15 im not allowed to say anything to him .. If i do im told that im always on his ass or that i hate him..It was ok as long as i gave up my life for his crack ho of a mom and so that dad could play gigs in his band in clubs and come and go as he pleased.. I feel like i was the babysitter while they had a life !! Sorry but this is this the reality of it being a stepparent!! Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
New_Wife Posted October 5, 2005 Share Posted October 5, 2005 I sound like a broken record in my posts today. Marital counseling would be a great idea here. If one partner feels that they give too much and recieve to little - it sucks (plainly put). Furthermore, regardless of who got mouthy or stepped up at the birthday party, you and YOUR DAUGHTER (I refuse to call her "step" it's a stupid term) know how you are together and what your bond is. A few ounces of sticky white goo do not a parent make. It's the tylenol applications after an all-night puke session, the hand holding after a bad dream, the training wheels coming off the bike, the feeding, housing, and discipline that makes a parent. The Grandmother's comment was out of line, but I can see where it would've made problems for your daughter if either of you had said anything to it at your child's party. Good for you for taking the high road - that, my friend, is a good father. Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 I've never been in a step-person situation, so my opinion lacks credibility. I agree with the others. I think marriage counseling would be a step in the right direction, because quite frankly, I think your wife is treating you pretty $hitty if that's how she talks to you and deals with the situation. She should be d@mned happy that she has you and that you do all that you do. The grandmother had no business putting her mouth where it doesn't belong. Good GAWD, I hope I'm never a mother-in-law (or busybody) like that. It was one day. Unfortunately, you have to try to move on. Fortunately, it doesn't happen all the time (where everyone is together). I say that you should be sure that your wife knows exactly how you feel about it, then it will be HER turn to "suck it up." I wish that your daughter was older so that you could have heart-to-heart talks with her. You still can, but it might take a while for her to understand. Anyway, when you are with her, do your best to let HER know that you love her, that YOU care about her. She will remember who was there. I think it would be similar to an adopted child. They know who their biological parents are, BUT they also know who raised, cared for and loved them. Lil impatient with your wife Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 All you have to do is show her Love and give it time.. I was a stepdad to a wonderful 4-9 year old and we went thru Child therapy because of rejection issues. After a couple of years she was telling me how much she loved me and was calling me dad.. ( when we were alone ). The granparent was way over the line.. You are her Step Father.. Catch the last word.. FATHER .. You may not be biological and never will be but your are her role model. I alway's found a lot of success in finding totally different things to do with her than her dad did. ie:.. He would take her to Mcd's .. I would never take her there.. Burger King instead.. I did everything different so she would realize that having 2 dads is better than having one. Just show her your LOVE ..and wait.. Edit.. By the way my then wife did an incrediable job of turning over responsibity for my stepdaughter to me.. I would even reprimand the child and decide punishment if she needed it while she was in my care.. But I was trusted by her and she gave me the power. So some of your future success falls onto your wife.. Get some books about step parenting and think about going to therapy for a few sessions. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 [/B] Lil Honey , I have the inlaws from hell and they hate me and think i hate my ss because i want him to respect me and i feel he needs responibility around the house.. I feel he runs to much and needs to focus more on his schooling .. My h and i argue when i say to him why does he go every weekend and my h says i hate him too!! You can't say nothing to his son if you do he gets pissed!!! My mother inlaw will come get his clothes and wash them for him .. I don't get it he is 15 why should she have to do his clothes!!! That is another thing that we argued about i told my h it is time for ss to start washing his clothes and being more responsible and my h said you stay at home why can't you do them? Step parenting is harder than being a parent you have more people to please !!!! By the time my daughter was born my patience was shot to s###!!! I have no more patience!!! Having inlaws too don't make it no more fun !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 I alway's found a lot of success in finding totally different things to do with her than her dad did. ie:.. He would take her to Mcd's .. I would never take her there.. Burger King instead.. I did everything different so she would realize that having 2 dads is better than having one. I think that that is a most excellent idea! Yay, Dad! LilMoma: I can understand your frustration. Respect, responsibility and school are big things for me as well. I really don't understand spouses who expect their mate to watch and be responsible for their kid, but won't give their mate any support or latitude for decisions that have to be made. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 Me either but thats the way things have been since ss has turned 9 .. It was ok while he was little now that he is a teenager he basically can treat me however he wants and don't have to have any respect what so ever!! Oh well the joys of being a step parent !!!! I thought i was the only one that dealt with this type of thing but i see there are others just like me.. H always tells me that it is his son and he will take care of it.. H never punishes ss for nothing he gets by with murder practically .. He didn't do so good on progress report and ss of course said it was teacher's fault that his excuse all the time .. i never see any homework at all during the week.. i am to the point where im not worrying about it anymore cause i have to think about my daughter.. H even won't discipline our daughter either.. If any disciplining is done in this house im the one ..Makes me think that is too much of an effort for h to do it so he lets them do whatever!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Lil Honey Posted October 6, 2005 Share Posted October 6, 2005 Lilmoma: I would think that since your SS is now a teen, he probably has more than one teacher. It can't be the fault of ALL the teachers. It might help you to talk with the teachers. They could arrange a parent-teacher conference with the dad. Unfortunately, it sounds like he wouldn't do that anyway. Sheesh. (You might feel better talking to the teachers and getting a little support from them. Knowing they are on your side can help a little and something is better than nothing.) Apparently, the dad lets his son get away with a lot of stuff, but you don't have to take the kid's nonsense. Don't do anything for him until he shows you some respect. I really believe that kids NEED someone to discipline them. They need to know that someone in this screwy world cares enough about them to take the time to teach them. There are several resources online about discipline, family dynamics and step-parenting. Print some pages out and hand them to the hubster. Link to post Share on other sites
lovephreakout Posted October 7, 2005 Share Posted October 7, 2005 hey.. i know exactly how that feels... my boyfriend has a 7 year old son that we are raising together, and he doesnt see his mom very often. i do get hurt sometimes when i feel like i should be the only girl in the picture... but what are you going to do? that is HER DAD.. regardless of what kind of dad he is, he is her dad. and i'm sorry but you knew this from the start of the relationship.. really the best thing is it to sit back and let her (your step daughter) make those decisions for herself.. kids know what is going on, and she knows how much you care for her, but you gotta let her love her dad. think of yourself as young and how innocent life is at that age. she remembers her father and she will love him. it is important that you give her those moments with him. as for your wife.. tough **** is not a good attitude to have. tell her you are feeling frustrated and unfullfilled. maybe the 2 of you can spawn a little one of your own? or maybe you can lay out your feelings with her. or perhaps just do special things with your step daughter that she will cherish and remember down the road. like taking her to a cool park, or making her something to eat that only you can do. or maybe even weekly sundy trips somewhere. you are the biggest influence in her life if you are THE ONE that is there for her everyday, and not her dad. personally its hard for me to back down whenever mom comes in the picture, but trust me, for the sake of your relationship with your daughter, its something you have to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Sheba Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 I agree that PARENTING makes you a parent - it is not merely a biological matter. I think that you should not look for recognition for your efforts, you will reap the rewards later in life when your stepdaughter emulates you, learns your values, loves and trusts you, etc... The grandmother is, by the way, ridiculously selfish. I am of the view that the more love my kids get the better off they are. If my exhusband found a woman that treated my kids like a loving parent, that would be a good thing. The grandmother ought to be glad her little grandchild has a third loving parent. I am sorry that your wife is ungrateful for your parenting assistance. It sounds as if you have more of a relationship with your stepdaughter than you do with your wife. You seem to be doing wonderfully as a dad, why not get to work on that marriage now? Your wife's lack of appreciation does not bode well. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted October 13, 2005 Share Posted October 13, 2005 Thanks lilhoney for the advice ..It is greatly appreciated !! I have went to stepfamily chats and pages and boy have they been a huge help ..i love them i would be lost without them!!! Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
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