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Daughter's decision


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Old 23rd August 2018, 5:28 AM   #16
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Exactly. You understand. And it does have to be private. That's one of the requirements of being a good parentónot burdening your child with your pain.

I have a niece with bipolar disorder who decided not to have children for all very good reasons. Her sister, the only other sibling, can't have children because of a chronic disease. Now I know how my brother and his wife feel.

Maybe your daughter can do testing and get more information and more options?
I have bipolar disorder too and I don't want any children, because I don't want my son or daughter carrying it. I can't risk it. Sometimes, it makes me sad and I'm confliceted sometimes, but I can't bring myself to put my kid through that.
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Old 25th August 2018, 6:59 AM   #17
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Let's post helpful not hateful posts please, thanks
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Old 1st September 2018, 10:40 AM   #18
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The close relationship with your daughter at 37yo should really be celebrated here. That's such a beautiful thing.

For many years I had alot of pressure to have a child. It made me very sad that none of my matriarchs understood ME and MY life. There was pressure from other people too. I felt alone and misunderstood. I'm grateful for both you and your daughter that she's not in this position.

Mermaid our female ancestors fought HARD for us to have the yet to be seen equal rights as men, we've come a long way though! Still a very long way to go.

I guess reminding yourself that it was, is and always will be her choice is important.

But I completely understand your grief, you need time and space to grieve.

It felt like an assault to my senses the first few times my daughter said she'd never have children. In fact it felt like she was attempting to insult me and my choices TO have children. Like she looked down upon me for choosing to be a mother. Another mindset of a patriarchal society.

Hence I conditioned my mind to never be a grandmother and to never ever put pressure on my own children the way it had been done to me.

Maybe I'm trying to say that's its admirable you have such a close relationship with your daughter, that she talked it all through with you. That she loves, respects and trusts you so much that she could talk with you.

I Pray she never regrets her choice. You've raised an amazing woman.

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Old 2nd September 2018, 9:26 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by Corazon de Leon View Post
The close relationship with your daughter at 37yo should really be celebrated here. That's such a beautiful thing.

For many years I had alot of pressure to have a child. It made me very sad that none of my matriarchs understood ME and MY life. There was pressure from other people too. I felt alone and misunderstood. I'm grateful for both you and your daughter that she's not in this position.

Mermaid our female ancestors fought HARD for us to have the yet to be seen equal rights as men, we've come a long way though! Still a very long way to go.

I guess reminding yourself that it was, is and always will be her choice is important.

But I completely understand your grief, you need time and space to grieve.

It felt like an assault to my senses the first few times my daughter said she'd never have children. In fact it felt like she was attempting to insult me and my choices TO have children. Like she looked down upon me for choosing to be a mother. Another mindset of a patriarchal society.

Hence I conditioned my mind to never be a grandmother and to never ever put pressure on my own children the way it had been done to me.

Maybe I'm trying to say that's its admirable you have such a close relationship with your daughter, that she talked it all through with you. That she loves, respects and trusts you so much that she could talk with you.

I Pray she never regrets her choice. You've raised an amazing woman.

Corazon de Leon
Thank you so much. That was beautiful.

And you're absolutely right: She's an amazing woman. And I'm so lucky that she cherishes our close relationship as much as I do. And I guess I'm flattered that my good opinion matters to her without any strings attached, that she seeks my advice in times of greatest need. She doesn't always heed it my advice, however, which I hope is because she knows that I respect her autonomy.

I don't think she'll ever regret her choice because it was right for her circumstances at the time. Her future needs are unknown to her at this time; she won't punish herself for not knowing them.

Anyway, as I said before, I've gotten some astute, deeply feeling responses in this thread from women AND men that I've read more than once for the relief, insight, respect and camaraderie they gave me. This is one of those.
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Old 3rd September 2018, 9:29 AM   #20
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That's a tough place to be. I know I would be devastated to know that my daughter went through with it if I were in your shoes. She's only 20 and still in school but she has said many times that she never wants children. To be so close and not have it happen would break my heart too.

Sometimes she shows me pictures of babies on her social media feeds and she gets so happy to see babies so I have hope but having said she doesn't want them over and over again makes me think her mind is made up.

Anyway, I'm sorry for your loss xo
I used to tell my mother the same thing.

I swore up and down that I NEVER wanted children.

In fact, I said this for years after - well into my 20's.

I actually used to ate toddlers. I could not stand them. I never smiled over babies or went near them

I am now desperate to one day have my own child. Go figure.

Don't give up entirely, women can change their minds, often with age and meeting the right partner with whom they feel the desire to have children with.
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Old 3rd September 2018, 11:19 AM   #21
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Thatís what Iím hoping.
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Old 3rd September 2018, 12:04 PM   #22
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I really wasn’t conscious of this longing for a GIRL-child from my DAUGHTER. It’s not rational or logical or fair. Maybe if my sons hadn’t had kids I’d be beating tribal drums for their progeny. I don’t know but don’t think so. Some men really want a boy. I feel like I’ve known this little girl, HER little girl, a long time already.

Maybe it’s primal. She carries the DNA, the X chromosome. She continues the matrilineal line and the deep bond between mothers and daughters for generations in my family. She also receives a gift: an ability, need even, to nurture, enrich and mold little beings into noble souls who will also inspire future mankind. Primal, crazy and a little narcissistic or maybe a lot.

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Old 3rd September 2018, 2:02 PM   #23
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I really wasn’t conscious of this longing for a GIRL-child from my DAUGHTER. It’s not rational or logical or fair. Maybe if my sons hadn’t had kids I’d beat tribal drums for their progeny. I don’t know but don’t think so. Some men really want a boy. Thing is, I feel like I already know this little girl, HER little girl, the other side of her own heart just like she owned half of my heart. She carries and passes on the DNA and the X chromosome. She’s me to my mother, my mother to my grandmother and on back. She passes on the fierce love and promise to fellow man to rear only noble souls but then so do my sons. It IS irrational because my sons are nurturers to their kids and utterly committed to their parent roles. Maybe I need to give them all a bigger break.

Oops duplicates.
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Old 3rd September 2018, 3:56 PM   #24
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You sound like a wonderful mother and have a beautiful relationship with your daughter. And I love that in your family you have had such a strong matrilineal line. I wouldnít be surprised if that has something to do with why your daughter is so successful. Art is not an easy career, especially for women.

Youíve mentioned a few times that you donít think she will have children, because of her age. I donít know much/anything about it, but I have heard of women getting their eggs frozen so it takes the pressure off of rushing things. Maybe that would be a possibility, just in case she wants to have kids later when her career is more established. Just a thought.
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Old 3rd September 2018, 9:47 PM   #25
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Thank you. I agree that's an interesting possibility. I"ll ask her.
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