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Old 7th July 2018, 12:46 PM   #1
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Let Her Eat Cake!

I've had several posts about GF, her daughter and their eating habits. I typically keep my thoughts to myself and look for insight here recognizing the sensitivity of the issue:

They recently joined a gym and see a personal trainer / nutritionist which is awesome. The nutritionist is concerned about the girls weight and is working on developing proper eating habits. And then...

GFs daughter makes a sheet cake for a cookout. 2/3's of which comes home with us. That very evening GF is telling me that she is so worried about the girls weight and eating. Says she is going to save her 1 piece of cake and throw out the rest (which I support doing). She does not.

The next morning I notice 1/2 of the cake is gone. I have to stop myself from throwing the remaining cake into the trash. I feel I am over stepping my bounds and its moms responsibility so I leave for work. When I come home GF has a note on the counter "Do not finish the cake". In the fridge the cake is gone except for a sliver. As far as I know, nothing is ever discussed.

Granted I do not know all the facts but I am feeling that GF set her daughter up for failure with her lack of follow through. It just doesn't make sense to me: if you think your child has a problem, why wouldn't you act in their best interest??

Last edited by Otter2569; 7th July 2018 at 12:53 PM..
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Old 7th July 2018, 3:32 PM   #2
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Is she seeing a therapist for her food addiction? It sounds like she’s using food as a coping mechanism.
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Old 7th July 2018, 3:38 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Otter2569 View Post
I've had several posts about GF, her daughter and their eating habits. I typically keep my thoughts to myself and look for insight here recognizing the sensitivity of the issue:

They recently joined a gym and see a personal trainer / nutritionist which is awesome. The nutritionist is concerned about the girls weight and is working on developing proper eating habits. And then...

GFs daughter makes a sheet cake for a cookout. 2/3's of which comes home with us. That very evening GF is telling me that she is so worried about the girls weight and eating. Says she is going to save her 1 piece of cake and throw out the rest (which I support doing). She does not.

The next morning I notice 1/2 of the cake is gone. I have to stop myself from throwing the remaining cake into the trash. I feel I am over stepping my bounds and its moms responsibility so I leave for work. When I come home GF has a note on the counter "Do not finish the cake". In the fridge the cake is gone except for a sliver. As far as I know, nothing is ever discussed.

Granted I do not know all the facts but I am feeling that GF set her daughter up for failure with her lack of follow through. It just doesn't make sense to me: if you think your child has a problem, why wouldn't you act in their best interest??
Changing eating habits is *really hard*. I'm not religious but the Serenity Prayer comes to mind:

grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference

I think it will serve you well to be more accepting of how they are, if they change their eating habits then great, but I wouldn't realistically expect it. Then you just need to decide if you can live with that

Change like that is something a person needs to come to a decision to on their own for themselves, they can't do it for anyone else
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Old 7th July 2018, 3:45 PM   #4
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It just doesn't make sense to me: if you think your child has a problem, why wouldn't you act in their best interest??
She probably is most of the time, but nobody's perfect.

Two steps forward....one step back....
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Old 7th July 2018, 4:14 PM   #5
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BTW, you sound like a pretty cool gut looking out for her...

Have you thought about stepping on some toes and going beyond where you think you should to see what the reaction/action would be like ?

I would have been tempted to not shut my mouth and do nothing, I would have stepped in and threw the cake out.
In a previous life I was a Step Dad to a wonderful girl and I think that is where my instinct would come from, however.. back then my then wife gave me full reign to parent her as she was my own as we were a pretty tight family.

Since you have to keep biting your lip all the time maybe it would be better for you to deal with some of what you see and then take the heat, as the very least you could always back off it it didn't go over very well..
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Old 7th July 2018, 4:45 PM   #6
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Have you read some of his earlier threads? This has been an ongoing and deeper issue.

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Originally Posted by Art_Critic View Post
BTW, you sound like a pretty cool gut looking out for her...

Have you thought about stepping on some toes and going beyond where you think you should to see what the reaction/action would be like ?

I would have been tempted to not shut my mouth and do nothing, I would have stepped in and threw the cake out.
In a previous life I was a Step Dad to a wonderful girl and I think that is where my instinct would come from, however.. back then my then wife gave me full reign to parent her as she was my own as we were a pretty tight family.

Since you have to keep biting your lip all the time maybe it would be better for you to deal with some of what you see and then take the heat, as the very least you could always back off it it didn't go over very well..
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Old 7th July 2018, 5:14 PM   #7
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Have you read some of his earlier threads? This has been an ongoing and deeper issue.
I certainly have, he was asking/ranting in this thread so I posted my advice for this thread instead of the others...
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Old 8th July 2018, 1:59 AM   #8
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Granted I do not know all the facts but I am feeling that GF set her daughter up for failure with her lack of follow through. It just doesn't make sense to me: if you think your child has a problem, why wouldn't you act in their best interest??
Disagree with some of the other posters, this isn't your battle. And based on your previous threads, any input you might have will be discredited simply based on the source.

If you're going to stay in this relationship, I'd only interact with the daughter in issues that directly affect you. And even then, each instance will probably generate drama and tension. Seems to me a tough way to live...

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Old 8th July 2018, 1:13 PM   #9
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Is she seeing a therapist for her food addiction? It sounds like she’s using food as a coping mechanism.
They went a while back. After a few sessions the therapist basically said she was fine and if you make an issue out of her eating and her weight then she will have an issue with her eating and weight.
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Old 8th July 2018, 1:18 PM   #10
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Does she just have a few more pounds, or is she obese?
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Old 8th July 2018, 1:22 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by fredflint View Post
Changing eating habits is *really hard*. I'm not religious but the Serenity Prayer comes to mind:

grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference

I think it will serve you well to be more accepting of how they are, if they change their eating habits then great, but I wouldn't realistically expect it. Then you just need to decide if you can live with that

Change like that is something a person needs to come to a decision to on their own for themselves, they can't do it for anyone else
Agree. They have been trying to make changes and real change takes time. I do need to accept that this may be the norm. I should also be more proactive when I see a problem but recognize that it is really up to them.
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Old 8th July 2018, 1:24 PM   #12
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Does she just have a few more pounds, or is she obese?
Personally, I would say obese: 13 years old and 180lbs. Per the nutritionist, she gained 7 pounds in the last month.
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Old 8th July 2018, 1:30 PM   #13
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She probably is most of the time, but nobody's perfect.

Two steps forward....one step back....
Very true! Its not going to change over night and its a slow process. It felt like I was watching an accident waiting to happen...and it did.

GF rarely buys junk food or ingredients to make junk so that's progress.
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Old 8th July 2018, 1:40 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
Disagree with some of the other posters, this isn't your battle. And based on your previous threads, any input you might have will be discredited simply based on the source.

If you're going to stay in this relationship, I'd only interact with the daughter in issues that directly affect you. And even then, each instance will probably generate drama and tension. Seems to me a tough way to live...

Mr. Lucky
It is tough to stand on the side lines when "big things" are happening but Mom and Daughter ultimately have to work this out.

I think I need to support and encourage good behavior but also not be afraid to speak up when there are obvious behavior issues or looming pitfalls. Its tough to know your place.
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Old 8th July 2018, 2:04 PM   #15
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They went a while back. After a few sessions the therapist basically said she was fine and if you make an issue out of her eating and her weight then she will have an issue with her eating and weight.
Does this therapist specialize in food addiction?
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