GroovyC Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 My son says dad is mean, he hates him and wishes he was dead. That he wants t murder him. He calls him an *********. It's completely heartbreaking. So I am thinking of separting my marriage and seeing how things go as a single mom. My husband suffers from depression and is disconnected from us. My husband grew up around abuse and I'm concerned by ignoring my sons feelings that I am raising him no different. While my husband, esp. with alcohol is verbally abusive he is not dangerous. He is also waiting on a spinal fusion...his 4th back surgery at the age of 42. I'm not prone to depression but it's sinking in being around a man like my husband. He ended up in intensive care because he smoked and drank for his last surgery. Part of me wants to stay because of the guilt of feeeling like I'm abandoning him and possibly that he could die. We are in marriage counseling. So many times he has told me I should leave if I feel this or that way so it's hard to feel like things will get better for us. And honestly if I am even in love with him anymore. Has anyone experienced a child that absoletly detests their parent and how did you fix it if you did? Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted May 15, 2017 Share Posted May 15, 2017 They say small children are a good judge of character so if I were you I wouldn't ignore your child's feelings. It's your job to raise him into the man he will become and if Dad is setting a poor example on how to be a man then you need to put your foot down to say it's not okay to be like Dad and remove him from the unacceptable behavior that Dad exemplifies. Do nothing and your son will blame you too. And rightfully so. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GroovyC Posted May 16, 2017 Author Share Posted May 16, 2017 Thank you. I needed to hear this. I have no idea what is ahead of me. I am scared of going solo but know I need to try. It broke my heart to hear these words and they happen too often. I am by nature an over forgiving person. While my husband has changed I think my son has been through too much. I know for my own inner peace I need to find an alternative and see what happens and maybe get him into counseling. I know when I leave my chance of divorce skyrocketed. My chance of him knowing his father just became a small chance. But this decision is mine. I need peace in my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 Yes, you need to get your son out of this toxic situation. And there is zero reason for you to feel guilt about walking away from your husband: When given the option trying to understand how you feel and work to make things better, he simply tells you to leave. You have his permission to go! Link to post Share on other sites
mikeylo Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 At 4, he can't express any other way except by being happy, sad or angry. OTOH, is there a possibility that since your husband is not keeping good health, so much medication etc, he is not being able to play dad and your son wants him to? Kids want parents to play.If they don't, they don't like it. If he is shouting, screaming , hitting the child, its a different story.So before jumping to conclusions, make sure its not that even though he wants to be a good dad , but his illness is not letting him. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 On the one hand small children say horrible things about their parents all the time. My kids have said brutal things to my wife and I, particularly when they are in trouble or don't get what they want. I don't consider that grounds for divorce. But there is a lot more going on in your marriage than that. If he's verbally abusive, and has an alcohol problem, I think regardless of how your child feels towards him, you should probably be getting yourselves out of that situation. I understand the guilt you must be feeling, with the whole through sickness and health thing. But he has brought this upon himself. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 16, 2017 Share Posted May 16, 2017 The child should be in some family counseling with you. Link to post Share on other sites
NTV Posted May 17, 2017 Share Posted May 17, 2017 A four year old shouldn't even have a concept of what murder is... where is he learning that type of language? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 18, 2017 Share Posted May 18, 2017 A four year old shouldn't even have a concept of what murder is... where is he learning that type of language? Or, reading between the lines, this: He calls him an ********* GroovyC, something missing here. Based on what you've posted, I can see why you son might not be close to his father. But he seems to picking up the more extreme feelings elsewhere... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 19, 2017 Share Posted May 19, 2017 (edited) yes my grand daughter.....my daughter and he are seperated....around the same age...she is six..she said to me the other day...she is extremely intelligent.....quote"i would hate other kids to have my dad .....he is the horror of my life"....she is protective of her mother....and asks him to leave the house....she will not desist until he does....determined little girl ...like her nan.... she was supposed to stay with me tonight and make peanut butter ice cream and stay the night with me.....buit...sh eis no whavign sepration anxiety from her mum....and we compromised and decided we woudl spend the day together tomorrow and make ice cream and have an arts and craft day..... the only way she will ever respect him is if he starts behaving like a dad should.....stay off the drugs and alcohol....respect when she needs space and not scream at her when she asks him to leave...he is her father.....and he is the one who needs to do the right thing...by her y him and by my daughter....and so does my daughter...and get family counselling and admit to his and her issues to a professional.....they all need family counselling.....its something i am aiming to get them into ....denial is a hard phase though to deal with .and drug addiction is one that secrecy and silence pervades the need to talk about it and deal with it......makes me feel sick in the guts...especially when she says things to me about how she feels about him...beign the horror of her life.....the anxiety i see when he is around.....makes me want to punch him in the face....which i dont ...i just imagine it.....i am trying to help him.....so i try to be understanding....and he is already scared of me...we are his family.....his mum died a year ago and he spiraled into depression.... i have told her to call me if they start fighting and ill come get her....ill deal with them......i said that in front of them.....let them know i am there for her first and foremost.....my daughter too...but i have to be my granddaughters defense.....ansd that is what young children need ...a protector who they know will do the right thing by them always.....and i will riot for my gradndaughter...kick up the biggest cyclone you can imagine if it helps her..and if it doesnt ...ill take her.....and keep her.......till they do the right thing..... i suggest that you do follow up on family counselling the damage is done its there...needs dealing with.....whether you stay or you go ..that is why personally i suggest you stay and try getting really solid professional help first.......seek support from extended family if you can as well as family therapy would be a really good place to start......deb Edited May 19, 2017 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts