Is It Best To Shield Children or Be Honest?

[MissCongeniality]

I have made a lot of progress and I think I'm finally in a good place in my life but I had an argument with my older sister and it was over whether or not to be honest with my three younger children my oldest is a teen her childhood was not as stable as I wanted it to be so she is more troubled.

 

Because my oldest daughter didn't have a stable upbringing (first few years were not easy) I tried making sure her siblings would so they did not have to learn how dangerous the world can really be. My older sister thinks it's wrong that my younger children think the world is safe and told me "They should know that the world will eat you up and spit you out if you let it. It is iresponsible to let them go through life thinking that trust is a good thing and that they shouldn't be watching their backs."

 

I get the world is a dangerous place but it's not like I live in my old neighborhood where watching your back was considered common sense but they are just kids.

[GemmaUK]

I don't know how old your children are but I would sit and watch the news on TV from before I can recall.

Around age 5 I was getting s gist of things, at 7 I knew quite a bit about politics for sure.

 

I have a friend in her forties in the UK who didn't know we had had a terrorist attack in Westminster until I mentioned it late last week (it happened a week and a half ago).

She has a 12 year old son and neither watch the news and she still calls him 'Baby' when she talk to him.

I find it worrying - neither she nor her son seem to know anything about the world.

 

Why would you not teach your children about the world and what really goes on in it?

[Simple Logic]

I have made a lot of progress and I think I'm finally in a good place in my life but I had an argument with my older sister and it was over whether or not to be honest with my three younger children my oldest is a teen her childhood was not as stable as I wanted it to be so she is more troubled.

 

Because my oldest daughter didn't have a stable upbringing (first few years were not easy) I tried making sure her siblings would so they did not have to learn how dangerous the world can really be. My older sister thinks it's wrong that my younger children think the world is safe and told me "They should know that the world will eat you up and spit you out if you let it. It is iresponsible to let them go through life thinking that trust is a good thing and that they shouldn't be watching their backs."

 

I get the world is a dangerous place but it's not like I live in my old neighborhood where watching your back was considered common sense but they are just kids.

 

What child in the best neighborhoods over the last 50+ years has not been taught you don't get in a car with a strangers? Yes, you need to educate your children on some of the dangers of our world.

[MissCongeniality]

What child in the best neighborhoods over the last 50+ years has not been taught you don't get in a car with a strangers? Yes, you need to educate your children on some of the dangers of our world.

I do but the core of the argument was that she thinks them learning to trust in the rules is dangerous. She feels if they learn to blindly believe in society and the law things will not turn out well and maybe she's right my youngest son had a bully did everything he was supposed to but nothing happened so he fought back and suddenly he's the one in trouble for defending himself. My son was knocked to the ground and kicked repeatedly so he grabbed a rock and some how he's the bad guy.

 

I mean I want them to be good but I want them to not be taken advantage of.

[basil67]

Good people can and do trust others. The secret is learning who is worthy of trust. If they walk around distrusting even the most kind people, they are going to end up sad, twisted and lonely individuals.

 

I would also argue that the world isn't a dangerous place. For a child who has loving and supportive parents, the world is mostly a wonderful place, but it does have some dangerous aspects which we need to learn to navigate safely. It's important that kids learn to love and appreciate all the good in the world while having the skills to cope with the bad.

 

I'm going to be honest and say that with the dysfunctional upbringing you and your sister were raised with, neither of you have the role modelling required to be able to navigate this on your own. I highly suggest talking with a child psychologist and getting professional advice.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm going to be honest and say that with the dysfunctional upbringing you and your sister were raised with, neither of you have the role modelling required to be able to navigate this on your own. I highly suggest talking with a child psychologist and getting professional advice.

 

Agreed.

 

Also, given the pervasive presence of technology in children's lives, there's already excessive pressure on them to grow up too quickly. Kids in previous generations didn't have the exposure to the more difficult and troubling aspects of life and I grit my teeth every time I see a 5-yr old with unfettered access to an Ipad.

 

Let your kids be kids for a while. Plenty of time for the complicated stuff later...

 

Mr. Lucky

[major_merrick]

I seriously dislike it when parents shield their children from reality. The truth is - the world is not nice. Bears aren't cute - they eat you. People aren't generally kind - many are a threat. It ain't all sunshine and roses.

 

By allowing children to be aware of the problems in the world, you allow them to become educated about how to defend themselves and stay alive. Children who are aware of the potential threats tend to be more cautious in how they act, and especially who they trust. There are some sayings that hold true no matter where you grow up - "Better judged by twelve than carried by six" and "Better to miss an opportunity than to invite disaster."

 

A lot of this also depends on socio-economic status. Typically, wealthier people tend to shield their children more. Children from families of limited means tend to be introduced to harsh realities earlier. A good friend of mine grew up in an upper middle class home. His parents shielded him to the extent that he didn't even know what a commercial on television was until he was almost 10. But he wanted to know reality, educated himself, and got involved in all sorts of crazy adventures. Part of it was because he hated how his parents shielded him and restricted him. Unlike my friend, I grew up in poverty. My parents didn't care, my dad drank, and my mom hardly fed us. I raised my younger sister, and before I could work I sometimes had to steal to keep us alive. I learned quickly, trusted little, and survived. Of course, I blame my parents for not providing the basic things we needed for life, but I never once have wished that they had shielded me from reality.

[anduina]

There's middle ground where you can and should shield, considering how imaginative and sensitive children can be at a young age. As they get older, they're shielded inversely.

 

Teaching children that the world's fight or flight isn't healthy, since it's not always the case unless you live in an undeveloped country.

[todreaminblue]

speaking from experience i think honesty with teens is always needed they should be able to come to you with horrible things that have happened....if you fail to recognize that horrible things happen in the world to them.....they will in fact try to shield you from truth..do not foster that attitude in teens ...let them know you are aware...my girls bring their gfs to me for advice and help...because they are unable to approach their parents what they are doing is shielding their parents by coming to me......and what they tell me....is sometimes brutal...both my girls and their friends....do i wish to be shielded from truth even if i dont like it....no...well neither do they..........you need to arm chidlren with whats right and whats truthful do not shield them too much.....they have to go out in the world every day..dont make it fairy like.....

 

my girls are aware for instance that was i raped and assaulted.....at five years of age......they are also aware because i was outed actually that i am an ex hooker come good.....as a family unit...i have to say...we are close.....and that honesty is important to us ...truth is important to us...and the values of and beliefs i have now they fully are behind even when we dont hold the same beliefs and values......i may not be a perfect mum....but i am the only mum they talk to and unfortunately for the parents of the children i talk to ....i am also a shield for them.....i counsel the children who come to me with ...i feel you need to talk to your parents about this and if they are hesitant i tell them i can come with you.....i have mediated with troubled teens and parents...been the go between when they cant relate to each other......i get the teens home to where they should be.....with their parents......and i meet them.....make the parents feel supported.....if there is something i feel they should know...i normally tell.....depending on my judgment of necessity.....

 

 

six common reasons given fro kids coming to me and not their own parents

 

1.they wont understand(shielding)

 

2.they are really busy(shielding)

 

 

3.i dont want to hurt them (shielding)...

 

4.they dont care(misguided to believe this)

 

5.they dont listen to me(often true)

 

6. I am scared (very true)

 

should we shield kids......i dont believe so......because if you do ...they will assume you wont understand you need them to know you do .....and they can come to you at any time for all theri questions however hard they are to answer...we must.....repeating...must listen and answer them......arm your kids with what is true to know when they are out in the world...

 

 

let truth be their shield and they will be prepared to face what they need to face with whats right....teach them your values your beliefs...or they will find those values and beliefs elsewhere....like other peoples kids do with me...i do my best....thats all i can do with my own and with others............not graphics so much ...but for sure truth...and pray always...they dont need to see or get to see the ugly for themselves............deb

[basil67]

My ex-h was raised with the idea that everyone would take advantage of you if you let them. He ended up unbearably cynical. A real "you've got to look after number 1" type. Note he's my Ex.

 

I'd never protect my kids from the world (they go to a public school after all), but there's no way on earth I'd want to turn a child into a joyless cynic. It's all about balance.

 

Yes, there's a terrible disaster on TV - but look at the helpers getting in and looking after people they don't even know! How brave and caring those people are.

[todreaminblue]

My ex-h was raised with the idea that everyone would take advantage of you if you let them. He ended up unbearably cynical. A real "you've got to look after number 1" type. Note he's my Ex.

 

I'd never protect my kids from the world (they go to a public school after all), but there's no way on earth I'd want to turn a child into a joyless cynic. It's all about balance.

 

Yes, there's a terrible disaster on TV - but look at the helpers getting in and looking after people they don't even know! How brave and caring those people are.

 

hey basil by you pointing out the helpers its your belief to look for good in the world that will shine to them...i do that too..i believe that too.......im an idealistic person.....love beautiful things.....but....if it came to telling my child to choose not to live in a certain complex because they are dealing ice to kids two doors down and my daughter has an addictive personality..... ...i will be truthful and i have said exactly that to my oldest daughter.........and then tell her to wait until another house comes along that will be better suited her to making it in this world .....and her own child....a little safer...which is exactly what will be happening with my daughter she moves very soon into a house that is much better than the first one offered....even though she is hanging to move..she listened and understood when the house fell through..it was actually for the best.....gods hands in her life....

 

i am nut a cynical person....but i do know...when to be truthful and when to point out the truthful beauty in the world......and sometimes...with bad things...its better to just let them be bad let them feel that sadness that grief...this is my opinion...adn what i was taught when all my girls needed therapy for the break up o fmy relationship with their father........and sadness is also productive.....it needs to eb felt to move on....or so i hav ebeen told.......even justified outrage or anger at racism and or ugliness.........is an emotion that should not be squashed.......caring and compassion can be found in grief and feelings of helplessness and wanting things to cahnge are productive................and empathy....and so to leave things as tragedy......as tragic find beauty elsewhere to bring to their mind.....you can ampathise with yoru child....when the world can be cold and you show them how it is you tell the truth...in facts....without graphics....and age apprpriate.........and then you show them warmth..........deb

Edited April 3, 2017 by todreaminblue

[basil67]

hey basil by you pointing out the helpers its your belief to look for good in the world that will shine to them...i do that too..i believe that too.......im an idealistic person.....love beautiful things.....but....if it came to telling my child to choose not to live in a certain complex because they are dealing ice to kids two doors down and my daughter has an addictive personality..... ...i will be truthful and i have said exactly that to my oldest daughter.........and then tell her to wait until another house comes along that will be better suited her to making it in this world .....and her own child....a little safer...which is exactly what will be happening with my daughter she moves very soon into a house that is much better than the first one offered....even though she is hanging to move..she listened and understood when the house fell through..it was actually for the best.....gods hands in her life....

 

i am nut a cynical person....but i do know...when to be truthful and when to point out the truthful beauty in the world......and sometimes...with bad things...its better to just let them be bad let them feel that sadness that grief...this is my opinion...adn what i was taught when all my girls needed therapy for the break up o fmy relationship with their father........and sadness is also productive.....it needs to eb felt to move on....or so i hav ebeen told.......even justified outrage or anger at racism and or ugliness.........is an emotion that should not be squashed.......caring and compassion can be found in grief and feelings of helplessness and wanting things to cahnge are productive................and empathy....and so to leave things as tragedy......as tragic find beauty elsewhere to bring to their mind.....you can ampathise with yoru child....when the world can be cold and you show them how it is you tell the truth...in facts....without graphics....and age apprpriate.........and then you show them warmth..........deb

 

I think we are on the same page. It's about balance.

[todreaminblue]

I think we are on the same page. It's about balance.

 

 

im glad basil..i actually thought you think me cynical....that's why i responded...im sorry i got you wrong...thankyou for clarifying......deb..

[Telemachus]

It's not clear at all why your sister's thoughts and feelings about how you parent your children are even important. If you aren't harming your children, what business is it of hers?

 

You can listen politely, but you don't have to take her advice seriously. If she tries to show your children autopsy photos of murder victims, never let her near your children again.