I need to get custody of my son but honestly worried about his wellbeing while I am.

[gettingcustody32]

Background: I got my ex pregnant when she was 16 and I was 18. For my kid's entire life, she has made it increasingly difficult for me to have a relationship with him. I went to the army for a bit, and she got married (for 6 months). I could never get replies and when I did it was few and far between, I could never talk to him because she would pick a fight and by time I had gotten back (he was only about 2) she had him believing that her husband was his dad and that man's son was his brother. That short lived marraige ended (due to stuff I've recently found out about) and she got with someone else. Who she also convinced him was his dad. (He was about 3, but he is 6 now) During this time, I paid child support. Still tried repeatedly to see him and would see him off and on. (I had no idea that she had convinced him that the other man was his dad, I was just under the impression that since I was in the army he didn't know and that we had to coparent sucessfully before she would let him know). She also convinced me that I couldn't speak with him and that it had to be a slow process because he was "autistic" and he was always "so sick". She didn't admit to that being untrue until I actually got back and started seeing him.

 

I would say all together, there may had been a period of one straight year where I couldn't see my son. Due to difficulties with her, not being able to be in any type of contact with her, being threatened with if I tried to see him then my family could no longer see him, having it rubbed in my face that he didn't know who I was.

 

I have evidence of all this. I have recent evidence of her admitting she made my relationship with him hard because she was resentful that she had to be pregnant and drop out of high school while I got to go to college while she was pregnant (I only attended for a semester) and I have years worth of me being able to see him and her ruining it. I admit I could've gotten visitation but I didn't fully know my rights and she's erratic enough that I didn't know how she would retailate towards him once I did and I didn't have enough to go for custody.

 

It has been a regular thing for him to think this guy is his dad, them to break up and her to move in with a new guy (sometimes with my son, sometimes she'll leave him at her mom's) and constantly bring him around my son, only to break up and go right back to the other man. Having the police out there, having the guy stalk her.

 

Here's where we are now. I see him every weekend. He knows I'm his dad, she doesn't argue with me. What changed? I found out about the stuff going on. I found out that even when I would see him all these years, he really believed I was someone random and that her boyfriend was his dad because that's what she told him. I also know that both her and her boyfriend are on hardcore drugs. They've endangered him multiple times. They have a very unstable relationship where they get into physical fights regularly. They have an unstable lifestyle, they move place to place. They break up and she'll bring my son around her new boyfriend and before I gained real leverage (such as having actual admissible evidence) she would tell him every guy was his dad and have them around regardless if she was with the guy for a week or not. She's prostituted. She has no diploma and has never held a job or lived on her own. Her "jobs" are usually minimum wage and last for a week. She has no way to provide any type of support for him. Her mom has taken over the child support payments. She will steal from everyone, including her family and my son to sell for drug money.

 

I also have evidence that my son doesn't live with her most of the time. She lives with whoever she's dating(mostly the druggy guy she convinced him was his dad for a while). When I was getting him every weekend, she wouldn't see him at all for months. She recently asked to split weekends and it's to take him over there where his entire family pushes it into him that, that guy is actually his dad, not me. Fortunately, I know he knows I'm actually his dad now because his grandma (her mother) and everyone who he truly trusts tell him so and he still remembers seeing me throughout his life and the fact we have the same last name and he has never not known that my sister was his aunt.

 

My question now is what would be the fastest way to go about getting him? I've consistently paid child support for most of his life (before that we were together and she didn't go for it). I have evidence of everything I said and evidence that I never didn't see him by my own choice. I know once I start this process, she's gonna do everything she can to ruin things for me because she'll have nothing to lose. Right now, she knows I know everything but she won't retailiate too hard because she doesn't want me to take this to court but once I do, it doesn't matter. She doesn't know I know about the fact that she still tries to convince him that that man is dad. My son won't talk about it or anything that goes over there and the last thing I'm gonna do is question him about it because that would stress him out.

 

Ideally, I would love for it to be a quick process, but would that be more realistic if her mom went for custody? I do believe her mom wants what's best for my son and I know she has threatened it and has been the biggest provider in his life, but I believe she lets my ex do what she wants out of fear that she will attempt to make his life harder or take him from her for an extended amount of time and end up messing him up emotionally until she can get custody.

 

He's a completely different kid when he's around his mom or she takes him to live with her. He comes back scared of everything. He talks about everyone leaving him. He won't be in a room by himself or even get up to go to the bathroom alone. He has panic attacks.

 

I don't know if going through court, going to DSS, or speaking with her mom and letting her take it to court would be the fastest way because there's no telling what'll happen once it's actually taken to court.

[Tayla]

support administered thru the courts would have resolved this entire issue.

you get no brownie points for forking over money without going via means of court and visitation agreement. Custody should have been sought upon birth and medical validation that you are the paternal parent.

 

Get a lawyer.

 

I tend to think as a newcomer to this site you may be misguided in thinking we can see this evidence or assume any of us are going to give out legal counsel. We do not do that here. we do welcome you though to contribute to threads. welcome to LS!

[gettingcustody32]

The support is administered through the court and has been for years. I know no one here can give true legal advice. I was hoping more for maybe a few replies from people who have been in similar positions, if not for anything more than just some slight emotional support and venting. I'm meeting with a lawyer this week.

 

There was no way to sought custody upon birth. She was immediately given full custody due to us not being married and we were together. We broke up after I was in the army.

[noelle303]

Welcome to LS!

 

So, what are you aiming for custody wise? Do you plan on filing for primary custody and give her visitation rights or would you be satisfied with perhaps a 50/50 custody situation?

 

From what I understand, courts usually encourage parents to settle things i mediation and if they are unable to do so then court comes into play. Ideally, a 50/50 custody situation is preferred (though this depends on where you live) and fathers gaining primary custody is rare, there needs to be solid evidence that it's not in the child's best interests to live with their mother.

 

Now, courts have started to take parental alienation more and more seriously and there have been cases where fathers have been granted custody because of the mothers attempts to block access. But there needs to be solid and consistent proof of this happening. Her drug use is also a big factor, do you have proof of this?

 

If you're not willing to settle with her and are determined to gain no less than primary physical custody or even sole custody, I think you should prepare yourself for a fight.

[Tayla]

I'm going to presume you were in a rush or in emotional duress when posting here. A few pieces of information stood out as entirely false:

A: courts do not immediately give guardianship upon birth. Even adoptive parents have a waiting period . So that statement is untrue as posted.

B: court's order support when both parties come to terms on heritage and if either side has visitation modifications.

C: is this a son? You keep referring to "her mom".

Seriously I question the legitimacy of facts and whether counsel was sought in the beginning. The military would have been your first go to list next of kin.

My personal experience followed the courts rulings. Request guardianship, visitation time frames, children's upbringing, and waiving of child support thru the courts. We didn't mudsling..We had two sons that wanted loving parents. Granted most parents are playing keep away..To control. Thus the courts intercede and set parameters. Good luck with him/her.

[Quiet Storms]

C: is this a son? You keep referring to "her mom".

Seriously I question the legitimacy of facts and whether counsel was sought in the beginning.

 

I think you are misunderstanding his post. When he refers to "her mom" he is talking about his ex-gf's mom (the son's grandmother).

[light yagami]

OP, I just wanted to give you a heads up on what you will be going against, not to dissuade you but you need to know what you will be going against in the court system. My story: divorced when my daughter was 2. She moved in an abusive alcoholic, her son admitted to sexually abusing my son and daughter. Had child protective reports detailing mental and physical abuse from ex to my son. She illegally removed my daughter from the state. Told my daughter I was a criminal and that's why she is not able to spend time with me. Confused my daughter so bad she literally thought she had 5 fathers. I brought all this documented evidence and in return I am now only able to see my daughter a total of 30 days throughout the year. The court let her change my daughter's name and I have absolutely 0 say in her life.

you may think there is justice. But just letting you know if you are a father the court may destroy you in a very cookie cutter-esque way regardless of what she has done to your child. That being said, if you do try, get a lawyer and don't hold back. I have spent 70,000 on the "best lawyers" and that is the best i could do.

I sincerely wish you the best and hope for a better outcome for you

[Mr. Lucky]

gettingcustody32, looking at this dispassionately, sounds as though you've both been less than consistent in parenting, not unusual when you have a child in your teens.

 

Couple of questions:

 

- could you handle being awarded primary custody? You'd have to address issues such as childcare, suitable housing, etc., and it in no way resembles a single lifestyle.

 

- do you have the financial resources to pursue this in court? Don't know how much but can assume it won't be cheap.

 

- would you be able to co-parent with your ex? Despite all her flaws and problems, she's what he has known. You'll have to deal with her going forward.

 

Some of this will simply come down to how badly you want it and what you're willing to give up to make it happen...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NTV]

You need a lawyer for this bro. A good one. Don't skimp.