Guilt because of only child

[Kcame30]

I'm a content loner and always have been since I was young. My boyfriend who lives with me is an introvert. We live together with my 11 year old son. My boyfriend has a small circle of friends but he doesn't see them often. We both have big families and occasionally visit when invited to a get together. My son cousins his age don't live close and although he has a couple of friends at school. They are not around after school or on the weekends. Mostly it's just the three of us-sometimes his 5 year old son visits.

 

The thing is that although my son seems happy. It bothers me that he has no interest in joining social activities. He was in football but now says he is not interested in attending the next season. He has a step brother and cousin that he is close to (both are only children). A lot of times he seems to have no interest in spending a lot of time with them. He mentioned recently that he was ok with being alone and having only a couple of close friends. Unfortunately, because of my lifestyle I think I created a child who seems to want to be a loner.

 

 

It's nothing wrong with being a loner I just think he is like that because of me. I now feel guilty when he is sometimes lonely wishing that I had another child. I'm thinking of forcing myself to get out more and get him more involved with multiple activities without his choice. At his age I think it's important for him to be exposed to different activities, kids and social events. Until he is old enough to decide what kind of social life he wants. Or am I wrong? Should I stop feeling guilty and let this go? Or should I force my son to be more extroverted?

 

I hate social gatherings so when he younger every time he was invited to birthdays or parties I would never go. Which I now regret and was very selfish on my part. Now I decided that on every invitation I will force myself to attend even though I don't want to attend.

 

What do you think?

[Telemachus]

You can't force him to be extroverted. If he's an introvert, he's an introvert. He's 11 so he goes to school. He has to know how to get along with others and to work on group projects (he'll need that for work), but he doesn't need to be the life of any party.

 

So, he'll never be a top salesman or director of marketing. No great loss there.

 

I'm an introvert by nature who, solely by discipline, can seem like an extrovert to others. I can get up in front of 500 people and make a speech that's funny and memorable, handle the Q&A session with the audience at the end, and shake hands and make small talk afterward, but it's not my nature at all. It took a lot of work, and it's been good for my career, but I never expected that others around me do this, only that they be willing to try if asked. Running a meeting, or even being a vocal active participant in a meeting run by someone else, is totally contrary to my nature, but I can do it well. Your son may never need to, and he may never see advantage in these things.

 

I learned these skills though work as an adult. There's no activity that I could have done at age 11 that would have prepared me for this. Your son just needs to be able to carry on a conversation with peers and adults. He doesn't need to charm them or crave their attention.

 

Don't force social activities upon him. Continue to offer opportunities for interaction outside your home, but don't make it your life's mission.

 

Over time, he'll realize what he needs to do to be successful in whatever field or life activity he wants to be successful. He'll learn this in part by seeing what causes others to succeed or fail. It isn't all that relevant to him yet, and that's OK.

 

As long as he doesn't plan to live with you until you die and just play video games all day as an adult, he'll be fine. You turned out well, and so will he.

Edited March 14, 2017 by Telemachus

[d0nnivain]

I was an only child. Yes it was lonely & there times when I wanted a sibling. Now that my parents are gone I feel lost at times because I don't have kids.

 

 

That said I have all sorts of advantages as a result of being an only child. So don't feel guilty.

 

 

If you think your loner tendencies are depriving your son of the opportunity to learn to socialize by example, by all means work up the courage to show him how it's done. It may not change his fundamental personality from longer to extrovert but if you can teach him a firm handshake & self confidence rather than fear in social settings that would be wonderful. To chose to not socialize is one thing; to be afraid to socialize is a problem.

[RecentChange]

I wouldn't blame this on being an only child.

 

I am not technically an only child, as I have a 10 year older sister, and an 11 year older brother.... They moved away when I was 7/8 (and really weren't play companions due to the age difference). Yet I grew up to be a bit of an extrovert. I enjoy socializing, talking to strangers and attending parties etc.

 

Several of my friends were only children as well, and they aren't ​loners.

 

I also relish my alone time (much like my father) and spend many hours a week on solo hikes and other activities by myself.

 

I do think it's a good idea to get him out there and socializing. Even if he is a bit of an introvert / loner, social skills, being able to interact with strangers etc is always an asset.

Edited March 14, 2017 by RecentChange

[Kcame30]

As long as he doesn't plan to live with you until you die and just play video games all day as an adult, he'll be fine. You turned out well, and so will he.

 

Your comment made me feel better. Thank you:)

[Kcame30]

So don't feel guilty.

 

Thank you:)

[Kcame30]

I wouldn't blame this on being an only child.

 

I am not technically an only child, as I have a 10 year older sister, and an 11 year older brother.... They moved away when I was 7/8 (and really weren't play companions due to the age difference). Yet I grew up to be a bit of an extrovert. I enjoy socializing, talking to strangers and attending parties etc.

 

Several of my friends were only children as well, and they aren't ​loners.

 

I also relish my alone time (much like my father) and spend many hours a week on solo hikes and other activities by myself.

 

I do think it's a good idea to get him out there and socializing. Even if he is a bit of an introvert / loner, social skills, being able to interact with strangers etc is always an asset.

 

Thank you:)

[mikeylo]

My wife and I have 3 to 4 siblings but we have only one son ( now 19 and off on his own). He is life of a party guy!

 

Its just his personality.

[GunslingerRoland]

It sounds like your son has a very similar personality to you and your husband. I'm not sure why you find this surprising.

[Chilli]

l do feel for you as l've worried about similar myself in the past and still do now.

l don't have many people around me and since my divorce when my daughters over it's usually just us. We get along really well and live beautifully together regardless but l do often feel l should have people coming and going and stuff happening around for her.

But l can't change my life and don;t even like too much of that anyway.

l'm more just into well , ex and l and just living, now gf and l and whatever we're doing. But being a LDR she's often not here either.

 

My daughter although she does love her space and down time she's also is really sociable though too when she feels like it and has a lot of friends and a bf too, so l've been worrying about nothing all this time on her part.

lt's more mainly when she's here these days, l just feel like she'd like more going on at my place and people coming and going.

l always feel guilty but what can l do. l just don't live like that .

[grays]

There is always something to feel guilty and worried about!

 

Im a very extroverted only child, grew up in a pretty lonely household w just my introverted single mom. She didnt go out of her way at all to make sure I had social stuff going on, but I think I always did even when really young bc I made it happen. I do think your son is probably just being who he is and thats probably fine.

 

Now I have two boys, 8 and 13, and I about killed myself to make sure my older one has a playdate or social event of some kind practically every day of his life. By the time my little guy came along we were so busy I never really had time to orchestrate his social life that way and he pretty much just tagged along on older brothers engagements, which I felt horribly guilty about.

 

I always thought my older one was very social, but now i realize that was mostly or all my doing and left to his own devices he wants a lot of alone time. My younger one who i didnt do all that stuff for is just like me and wants to and will make friends everywhere he goes.

 

The truth is, i could kind of see this in both of them by the time they were around three weeks old. I didnt know how to read it in baby number one, but when I saw how different baby two was it was a real aha moment. I think we want to believe we can mold them but so much is innate.

 

I worry about my introverted one, too, partly bc I have no idea what that feels like. I just dont get it. I want so much for him to be happy and its hard for me to imagine being happy without being very social. But maybe this is his happy place?

[Kcame30]

I was an only child. Yes it was lonely & there times when I wanted a sibling. Now that my parents are gone I feel lost at times because I don't have kids.

 

 

That said I have all sorts of advantages as a result of being an only child. So don't feel guilty.

 

Could you tell me what advantages and disadvantages that you had as a only child? I have a big family. Three sisters and one brother. I've sometimes desired to be the only child because I never had any privacy. My siblings loved to tease me about my introverted and weird side. I didn't always enjoy the attention being the eldest sibling either. I was the spoiled miracle baby my parents thought they never would of had. The lack of "me" time drove me crazy.

[Kcame30]

There is always something to feel guilty and worried about!

 

Im a very extroverted only child, grew up in a pretty lonely household w just my introverted single mom. She didnt go out of her way at all to make sure I had social stuff going on, but I think I always did even when really young bc I made it happen. I do think your son is probably just being who he is and thats probably fine.

 

Now I have two boys, 8 and 13, and I about killed myself to make sure my older one has a playdate or social event of some kind practically every day of his life. By the time my little guy came along we were so busy I never really had time to orchestrate his social life that way and he pretty much just tagged along on older brothers engagements, which I felt horribly guilty about.

 

I always thought my older one was very social, but now i realize that was mostly or all my doing and left to his own devices he wants a lot of alone time. My younger one who i didnt do all that stuff for is just like me and wants to and will make friends everywhere he goes.

 

The truth is, i could kind of see this in both of them by the time they were around three weeks old. I didnt know how to read it in baby number one, but when I saw how different baby two was it was a real aha moment. I think we want to believe we can mold them but so much is innate.

 

I worry about my introverted one, too, partly bc I have no idea what that feels like. I just dont get it. I want so much for him to be happy and its hard for me to imagine being happy without being very social. But maybe this is his happy place?

 

 

If he says that he is happy then it's his happy place. I'm most content when i'm alone. I love your response because I feel that I have to mold my son to be what I think he should be. I'm now comfortable that he will find his own way. He's happy and that's all that matters.

[Mr. Lucky]

I hate social gatherings so when he younger every time he was invited to birthdays or parties I would never go. Which I now regret and was very selfish on my part. Now I decided that on every invitation I will force myself to attend even though I don't want to attend.

 

What do you think?

[/left]

 

I think it's a noble sacrifice on your part. Your son benefits from a balanced set of perspectives. Making sure he's exposed to different settings and experiences - even if it's not what you'd choose for yourself - ensures he has a well-rounded chance to pick his own path.

 

I think you're doing the right thing ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[AMarriedMan]

Unfortunately, because of my lifestyle I think I created a child who seems to want to be a loner.

 

It's nothing wrong with being a loner I just think he is like that because of me.

 

I don't think any normal upbringing is able to cause somebody to prefer the company of others or not. It is inborn mostly.