Joyce Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I am having a rough time guys. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. I met my husband five years ago. At that point he was a single father of two a three year old and a five year old. His ex-wife had began to have drug problems and was in and out of jail. Then eventually ended up in prison. We married a year after we met. I became the kid's mom in every way. After we got married the ex ended up in prison. After she was let out we told her that she needed to keep a job and stay clean for six months then she could talk to the kids. She was always allowed supervised visitation but she never tried to see them.. Then she ended up in prison for the second time. At that point we lost hope and thought she would never change. My husband became a cop shortly after we married and has always worked crazy hours. So the kids and I bonded and are very close. We spent many evenings and holidays together.. just the three of us. These kids are my life. In fact they are the two most important people in my life. I can't imagine life without them. They are what keeps me going. A lot happened while she has been gone. The kids have grown so much. They are so smart they are both straight A students in honor classes at school. They don't even remember their mom. They know about her and they know she has had problems. We told them she is sick and needs to get better. We have never said anything negative or bad about her. Well now she is out of prison again. She has been out for five months. Her six months is up in January. She has managed to stay clean and out of trouble. She has even kept a job. I know we are going to hear from her in January. I am so scared and jealous. I don't want to share them. I know it sounds so selfish but I have been there for them for the last five years. In my opinion she made the choice to not be in their lives. She doesn't deserve them. I am also worried that this will be so confusing for the kids. They see me as their mom not her. They are at such a precious time in their lives they are now 8 and 10. I don't want this to affect their school or disrupt their lives. I was talking to my husband about this last night.. he doesn't understand why I will have a hard time sharing the kids with her. In hurts me to have him not understand. Maybe it's not right for me to not want to share or for me to be worried. Maybe I am just being selfish. Either way I love them and this will be very very hard. Does anyone have any advice on how to help the kids cope with this? Or how I can cope with this. Am I looking at this the wrong way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joyce Posted December 3, 2004 Author Share Posted December 3, 2004 I know my situation is probably unique. I guess I just need to come to terms that she is their mom. It just doesn't seem right that a parent can pick and choose when they want to be a parent. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 Maybe you should meet with their biological mother to talk about your concerns. Talking to her face to face may set your mind at ease. But they will probably want to know their biological mom at some point. Drug addiction is never a choice, it is a disease process that can be treated. I can understand why you are worried - but people can and do change. And the right thing to do is to accept that and not try to punish someone for the rest of their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joyce Posted December 3, 2004 Author Share Posted December 3, 2004 I believe that drug addiction is a choice. She has been offered several opportunities for counseling. Actually it was required by the state. She took advantage of everything that has ever been given to her. She is also a crook. She has committed fraud on numerous occasions. She was sentenced jail time for fraud and beating a man with a gold club. I know my kids need to know their biological mother. It's just sad they have done better with her out of their lives. She will never have custody of them because of her past. I just hope this does not mess with their mind. Kids like security and stability. I should probably get them into counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 I speak from experience, I am a recovering addict, clean since 2001. However, I believe in the power of forgiveness, and the message of love and acceptance that Christians in general ascribe to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joyce Posted December 3, 2004 Author Share Posted December 3, 2004 I don't understand drug addictions. I don't understand how someone can choose a drug over their kids. I really do hope that she can become a better person if not for her own sake then the sake of the kids. They deserve a mom that will always be there and I will make sure they know I will always be there. It's hard to give someone another chance when you have given several and they continuously take advantage of it. Especially when kids are involved but it is not my choice whether to give her a second chance or not. I just need to be there for the kids any way I can. They are so sensitive and this will effect them. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 Initially I thoroughly resented my children spending time with my ex's gf (who also was the OW when we were married). I look at it this way now - the more people who love them and have a positive influence on their lives, the better. As long as their biological mother stays clean and doesn't disrespect you in any way or endanger them in any way, it can only be for the better. In my situation, the gf is careful not to say anything bad about me and I say nothing bad about her. I'm lucky in that my ex respects most of my wishes and makes sure the kids have regular bedtimes, meals, doesn't shower them with gifts, makes them mind - if he or the gf constantly indulged them I'm not sure I'd be as positive as I am now. Good luck - I'm hoping their biological mother toes the line. Don't worry about losing their love - there is enough to go around and they know who has been there for them over the past 5 years or so. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted December 3, 2004 Share Posted December 3, 2004 Probably the best tactic is the cultivate an amicable relationship with the bio. mom - that way you can have some input and not be constantly butting heads. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 I don't understand drug addictions. No, you don't. I don't understand how someone can choose a drug over their kids. It's not a choice. Drugs hijack your brain and make you their slave, just like any other addiction. It's about compulsion. Some people can fight it; many cannot. Many people have to make several attempts before they can succeed. Link to post Share on other sites
MassiveAtom Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 Your best bet is to seek the help of a child psychologist or family therapist. they can tell you what the potential effects would be so you can keep their best interests in mind. This seems like a big deal to me, so I would suggest the Pros. just my $.02 mA Link to post Share on other sites
soccorsilly Posted December 4, 2004 Share Posted December 4, 2004 I do not think you are giving your kids enough credit---they KNOW who loves them. The KNOW who has cared for them. They KNOW who has spent the hooidays with them. They KNOW who held their heads as they were barfing in the toilet. You and your hubby have been exemplary in explaining their mother being sick. Not bashing her--which would have been easy. You are worried about something that may never materialize--and if it even does, THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE IT. I would not be surprised that if this mon is clean and sober, that perhaps she even sees the light and decides on her own to take a step backwards. She has already done the damage. See what happens in January. Be there for your kids. I assume she is looking for visitation, or some minor type custody arrangement. Most courts would not allow a twice convicted offender to have primary custody, so that should not be a worry. If she wants to be a part of their lives, let her. Let them go every other weekend and take that time to strengthen your relationship with your hubby. You are a STAR in my eyes and especially in THEIR eyes. I don't think you have anythign to worry about. You are already a giving woman who (pardon the brashness) accepted some drug users kids as her own. You have proven yourself to your hubby, your kids, and the world. This should be a walk in the park! I admire you and wish you the best holiday ever! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joyce Posted December 6, 2004 Author Share Posted December 6, 2004 They are my own. I have been there for them through everything through the last five years. It was not because I had too it was because it was my choice. I know I will never loose their love. I am their mom and I am pretty sure they will always see me as their mom. We have a bond that she will never be able to gain. She missed five holidays and birthdays.. (she didn't bother even sending a card). Even though we will never say anything bad about her (to my kids) they will realize this and they will remember it. I want to try to keep them positive and not think of her as someone who has been selfish throughout most of their lives. I know if they ever knew the truth they would be devastated. I will leave it up to their Other mom is she ever wants to share her life and experiences with them but I will ask her to wait until they are a little older and can understand or try to understand. My main concern is the kids well being. They don't remember her at all. They know her name but that's it. We call her their "other mom". Whether their mom was selfish and deserves them or not this will be a hard on them. They will be spending time with a complete stranger and will be told that this stranger is their mom. I was not expecting so many harsh posts just because I don't understand drug additions. I don't care if she choose drugs or whatever the deal is my kids are and always will be number one in my life!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joyce Posted December 6, 2004 Author Share Posted December 6, 2004 one more thing... thank you to the people that kept my post about the kids Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 Originally posted by Joyce I am having a rough time guys. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.. I met my husband five years ago. At that point he was a single father of two a three year old and a five year old. His ex-wife had began to have drug problems and was in and out of jail. Then eventually ended up in prison. We married a year after we met. I became the kid's mom in every way. After we got married the ex ended up in prison. After she was let out we told her that she needed to keep a job and stay clean for six months then she could talk to the kids. She was always allowed supervised visitation but she never tried to see them.. Then she ended up in prison for the second time. At that point we lost hope and thought she would never change. My husband became a cop shortly after we married and has always worked crazy hours. So the kids and I bonded and are very close. We spent many evenings and holidays together.. just the three of us. These kids are my life. In fact they are the two most important people in my life. I can't imagine life without them. They are what keeps me going. A lot happened while she has been gone. The kids have grown so much. They are so smart they are both straight A students in honor classes at school. They don't even remember their mom. They know about her and they know she has had problems. We told them she is sick and needs to get better. We have never said anything negative or bad about her. Well now she is out of prison again. She has been out for five months. Her six months is up in January. She has managed to stay clean and out of trouble. She has even kept a job. I know we are going to hear from her in January. I am so scared and jealous. I don't want to share them. I know it sounds so selfish but I have been there for them for the last five years. In my opinion she made the choice to not be in their lives. She doesn't deserve them. I am also worried that this will be so confusing for the kids. They see me as their mom not her. They are at such a precious time in their lives they are now 8 and 10. I don't want this to affect their school or disrupt their lives. I was talking to my husband about this last night.. he doesn't understand why I will have a hard time sharing the kids with her. In hurts me to have him not understand. Maybe it's not right for me to not want to share or for me to be worried. Maybe I am just being selfish. Either way I love them and this will be very very hard. Does anyone have any advice on how to help the kids cope with this? Or how I can cope with this. Am I looking at this the wrong way? I understand you... I also understand the LE lifestyle since my husband is a cop too and works hours that leaves me alone with my step daughter too. The ex has been away first deployed to Iraq and how has decided that she needs to be in school but cannot have her daughter with her. This upsets me because just like your situation the mother decided to be selfish and think of herself. Any age is a delecate time for a child because they are easily impressed. It's great that you got them so young. My step daughter came to me at 14 with attitude and habits that leave alot to be desired. Me and her father have had serious problems behind it...especially since the mother also lags with child support and there are 5 mouths in the home to feed. I have 2 of my own from a previous marriage...but just like you my huband came into my life when they were 5 and 7. So they grew with him to love him and respect him and treat them as much like theitr own dad. I can't say the same. I understand that the mother of you're kids doesn't deserve them. But I am sure those kids know who is their real mother. Anyone can give birth...but its the person who is there to nurture and is there to offere their love and attention that they will recognize as mother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joyce Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 handling a 14 year old would be extremely hard. That's a hard age. With her dealing with her mom being gone has got to have taken it's toll on all of you. I am lucky to have met my kids at a young age. It has given us a lot of bonding time. I've helped raise them. I can understand the whole child support issue. I don't want a dime from their other mom unless she comes into their lives. If she wants to be a part of their lives she needs to show that she cares about them by wanting to help take care of them. She was only ordered to pay $150 a month which is nothing. For as long as I've known my husband he has never gotten any money from her and it will probably always be that way because she is selfish. I take pride is raising my kids. It's sad that their mom could care less if they have food and clothing.. which they do but she has no clue about how they are or who they are. I was having a hard day yesterday and when I got home my son threw his arms around me and said how was your day mom? Little things like that make me feel silly for worrying about loosing them. Having a husband in law enforcement is hard. Was your husband a cop before you married? My H made detective a few months ago so he works Mon-Fri 8-5 with holidays off. It's so nice to have him home. In fact this Christmas will be the first one that he will be home all day in five years. Link to post Share on other sites
jnel921 Posted December 10, 2004 Share Posted December 10, 2004 You see... Those are the things I'm talking about. hugs and kisses...just because they care about YOU. My husband wasnt a cop when I met him. He did it shortly after we met so he is in a year and a half. His hours are 7:30pm to 4am so he is not around during the evenings.Which at this point I am happy about because I cant stand to be around him sometimes and I'd rather be alone in bed. He has a scooter chart schedule which allows him 2 days off 5 days on and 3 days off so we have weekends every other month. His squad this year had all the holidays off on their RDO's which is great. Next year is a different story. He's last on the totem pole in his squad so vacation time may come early next year. Which means we wont be able to travel cause the kids are in school. His ex wife was supposed to be sending us 200 a month but we havent seen a dime since October. I understand about them niot caring about food or clothing for their kid. She lives in TN and we live in NYC. She sent her out here with no winter clothes or coat. Which we certainly spent alot of money last year on and obviously she didnt care to send with her this time around. It gets very frustrating for me. Since I have to stretch my funds to cover what she isnt doing. Her daughter uses as much stuff as I do...remeber she is 16. So she needs sanitary napkins, razors, toiletries...etc. It gets expensive and my husband will say stuff like...Your her stepmom...blah blah blah... Butto be honest... I'd rather just deal with my own. I know that sounds mean...But at this point its how i feel. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joyce Posted December 10, 2004 Author Share Posted December 10, 2004 That really is a tough situation to be in. I guess we are a little different because I see the kids as my own and I always will. Try to remember this is not the daughters fault.. you really can't control if her mom wants to take care of her but you can be the bigger person and be responsible. Which it sounds like you already are. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Elmo Posted December 15, 2004 Share Posted December 15, 2004 Hey, Joyce! Well, I'll get off topic a bit and say that if I could ever in a million years have lucked out to get a mom like you....well, that would have been wonderful. I didn't...but, hey...that's okay. I totally get that you would be jealous of that bio-mom TRYING to come back in the picture. Makes me mad. Re: addictions. Of course it is a choice. A very hard choice. Most of us have hard choices. Still....you have got to go with the flow. The kids are yours. They probably need to see her a bit. That will suck. Your husband is a MAN. He doesn't get it! I so admire you. Don't let your marriage or family fall apart. You are so strong. Just keep on being strong and loving. I'd bet $1,000,000,000 that you are going to keep that family together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joyce Posted December 15, 2004 Author Share Posted December 15, 2004 Thank you Elmo!! Link to post Share on other sites
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