Toddler tantrums

[Girlie]

I have a wonderful four-year old son, who is, for the most part, well-behaved. However he has starting acting up at pre-school a bit. He's been in trouble for pushing other children and throwing tantrums with the teacher when he doesn't get his way. Obviously, I want to nip this in the bud. I was just looking for advice on how to approach this. I know all kids can be bratty at times, but the truth is, I've never been very good at dealing with the tantrums and what not. Anyone else willing to share their experiences with similar situations?

[Tony T]

What is the situation at home? Are you recently divorced? What is the father's attitude and behavior toward the child? This sort of acting out at school often has roots in other family situations not related to the school behavior. Also, see if the child has had any unfavorable encounters at school. Do you feel at all like the child has been spoiled at home? Getting angry when you don't get your way type behavior can have roots all over the place.

 

The question you have posed here is better dealt with by a school counsellor who is trained and who has instant access to informaton about all the child's relationships at school and knows what to ask you about recent situations in his homelife.

[Fedup&givingup]

Nipping this in the bud is crucial. It sounds like he's testing to see what all he can get away with.

 

I'm with Tony-my curiosity is piqued with what sort of dramatic changes have occurred. Something has to provoke this behavior. If there is tension between you and your husband (child's father) that you "hide" from your son, you would be amazed at how perceptive these small children are. Sometimes having another child/baby could be the reason.

 

At any rate, your son sounds like he is very angry causing him to defy his authority and become violent/mean towards other children.

 

As far as how to handle it head on with your son, he needs to be punished at home for what he is doing at school. Make the cause and effect very clear to him. Talk to him about what he's done, and tell/warn him that if he does that again the next day, he can't do or have XYZ that night.

 

Raising kids is NOT easy! You discover when they go to school how all your family's character flaws and defects become readily exposed...I think being a teacher is like being a window into so many people's lives LOL

[HokeyReligions]

I went through that with mine. No major changes at home or at school - just a phase they were going through. They had the time-out chair at school and the teacher once told me she wished that chair came with leg & arm restraints! LOL

 

Time out didn't help at home, but no TV and extra chores (when they were 4 or 5) seemed to help us. If they had a tantrum on the floor I just walked away and left them there while I relaxed in front of the TV (turning up the sound) or sat with headsets on reading. Eventually they wore themselves out and the phase passed. Also, explain why the behavior is wrong - they are not too young to hear it, even if they don't understand all of it.

 

Do talk with the school counselor about it and work together to address this behavior at home and at school.

[CaterpillarGirl]

I've found it is also helpful before doling out a punishment to first acknowledge his/her feelings. You can say something like, "I know you want to keep playing with that toy and don't want to go to bed. I can see how angry you are, right? But it is bedtime." If this language is too complex, try miming or exaggerating your movements while you are speaking. At this age, children want to be independent, but often lack the verbal skills to express their emotions. It's good to let them know (at any age) that you understand their frustration and anger, although, of course, you don't condone it.

[Girlie]

Thanks to all who've replied so far.

As far as dramatic changes at home...no, not that I can think of. His father is not really around, so it's mainly just me and my son and that's the way it's always been.

I'm thinking it's more of a "I'm an only child who's not used to sharing and used to getting my way" type of thing. He is typically a very gentle natured child, unless there is a toy involved. I guess I just need to be more consistent as far as cause and effect go.

[krbshappy71]

Until I learned about how to prevent the tantrums, a technique that REALLY helped my child calm down was called "Holding" I read about it in Parenting magazine. I don't know how severe your child's tantrums are, but my oldest daughter had rage episodes. (screaming kicking biting scratching, beating the door down episodes) You gently wrap your child in a blanket, ARMS AND LEGS ONLY, not their head to smother them obviously, and cradle them on your lab, rocking gently, and saying "shhhhhhh..." near their ear. They will scream, try to flail/kick/etc. but you just hang in there, zone out yourself, and whisper "shhhhhh..." as if you were comforting them as an infant. It really worked, it was a life saver for us. Then, they do actually calm down so you can attempt to talk to them, tell them you love them, etc. and they can cope again with life. After doing this for every tantrum episode, just bringing out her blanket that I wrapped her in seemed to change her tune....she would crawl onto my lap crying instead of fighting me. We would rock and rest until she could calm down. What a relief! The tantrums started cooling off sooner and sooner...and meanwhile I was learning how to prevent them as best I could. Best of luck and hang in there!

[meanon]

If there are no underlying problems star charts work wonders for this age. It's so simple. He gets to stick a star on the chart with his name on 3 times a day if he's good, not if he isn't. Otherwise ask them to isolate him if he pushes, tell him waht he's done wrong and then send him out of the room for 10 mins. It's usually done for attention and if it's unsucessful the problem usually passes fairly quickly.