NXS Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 I seen him again tonight and we are strangers now. It was all very polite and superficial but I guess I knew all along it would end up like this. After my emotional snap four years ago the numbness set in. It just seemed to happen overnight, I couldn't accept the situation any longer and cut myself out of his life. He's starting college next week, has a nice girlfriend and is getting on with his life. He seems to be well adjusted and independent. There's no undoing the past now. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 A son will always need his father. But it's up to the father to act like an adult and make apologies and extend a hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NXS Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 A son will always need his father. But it's up to the father to act like an adult and make apologies and extend a hand. It was being an adult, or at least trying to be a father, while being systematically undermined at every opportunity that finally led to me giving up. That's when something in me snapped and I gave up trying. A handshake and an apology is not going to change that, or wipe out the last 4 years. I regret my part and wish there was something I could've done different and regret the times when I acted childishly and didn't know how to cope with the situation. He seems to be doing fine now despite the past, and maybe is stronger because of it, I guess all that endless worrying and arguing was all in vain. He's into art and seems to have a good ability, next week he will be starting a study in animation. Thursday he's going to his girlfriend's debs (end of school night out) and there will be a party in her family home, I'm sure my ex will be there but no invitation for me. Yep, it pays to be a female psycho because the 'mother' card trumps everything. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 You're just making excuses. He is NOT ok with you disappearing, no matter what he may say or do. An adult doesn't give up. Not when it comes to kids. You have a potential 50 more years that you can spend getting to know him. And he's an adult now so it doesn't matter what his mom does or doesn't do. Call him up now and then and ask him out to dinner. And if he says no, keep trying. He needs you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NXS Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 You're just making excuses. He is NOT ok with you disappearing, no matter what he may say or do. An adult doesn't give up. Not when it comes to kids. You have a potential 50 more years that you can spend getting to know him. And he's an adult now so it doesn't matter what his mom does or doesn't do. Call him up now and then and ask him out to dinner. And if he says no, keep trying. He needs you. I didn't say he's ok with me disappearing, what I said was he seems to be doing fine despite what happened. He asked me for money to get a suit for the debs but no mention of going to meet the family. So the psycho will be there playing all her usual 'victim' games and acting like she's a wonderful mother. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 So? Look, I understand feeling left out, or pushed out, but you have the option to make things better, so that whatever your crazy ex does has less and less effect on your relationship with your son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NXS Posted September 6, 2011 Author Share Posted September 6, 2011 Thanks Turnera, your responses have been very helpful. I think I should take it a bit slower and try not to feel as if I have no right to be back in his life because of disappearing. We done a lot of great stuff for the first 15 years, maybe he still remembers that. He told me he's bringing his friends to one of the surfing spots we used to go to next month, so he must have good memories of that. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 Have you apologized to him? That would go a long way...probably 95% of the way toward repairing your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted September 6, 2011 Share Posted September 6, 2011 (edited) I understand the psycho ex dynamic well. Your boy sounds like a great kid. Well done! From what you have said he seems to want you in his life. Maybe concentrate on the genetic connection you have rather than the stuff which has happened? My Husbands ex really went for it with regard to trying to ruin his relationsip with his sons. He basically ignored her but did not speak badly about her. My advice would be to forget about her and never mention her again unless your son brings her up. He will more than likely know not to. One thing I do know is that kids in such circumstances can feel very torn. Just be his Dad and cherish him. Begin a man to man relationship and one day the opportunity will come to have that conversation about the past and it will all come out naturally. You don't have to prove anything. Just be Dad. Turnera is right. Hubby always said throughout his woes that 'kids are longer as adults than they are as kids'. He held onto that and the stupid, blonde ex wife whore of his is now the loser. She even tried to get him back! Don't focus on what she is doing. You will make yourself ill and be awkward to be around. Show your son that you can move on. All the very best, Take care, Eve x Edited September 6, 2011 by Eve Link to post Share on other sites
Author NXS Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 Thanks Eve. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NXS Posted September 7, 2011 Author Share Posted September 7, 2011 Well I met him again tonight and he mentioned meeting the family but was kind of dismissive about it. I'm not sure why but I got the feeling he didn't want me to go. So I declined and gave him some money for the debs. He said he'd call around tomorrow with my daughter before he heads off. (I've recently reconnected with my daughter also and we're getting on great). Anyway we had a brief chat and laugh about his future college mates.... apparently some of them are very arty/pretentious. It was just a bit of lighthearted banter but we left in good spirits. I'm feeling a lot better tonight. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 7, 2011 Share Posted September 7, 2011 Awesome! Don't put too much stress over this one party. There'll be plenty more opportunities to connect with him and create great memories. Maybe set your sights on Christmas. Don't rush anything - seeing him too many times too soon will feel fake, and he'll retreat. Just look for opportunities to get together for a cup of coffee or something; hang out at the food court at the mall; ask him to help you do some heavy chore like moving a piece of furniture. Bring NORMALITY into your relationship. That's what he needs most from you, not special events. Being able to talk to you will be his #1 need and want. And having a dad he can respect and look up to, and thus, want to make proud of him. Link to post Share on other sites
jeanalou Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 Yes, I agree. Just give him time and show some love. As a mother, just talk to him heart to heart that you are thankful and proud of him. A family bonding will also helps you to get close with him. Link to post Share on other sites
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