My 13-year old daughter wants to go steady!

[Carly]

Yikes, my 13-year old daugher wants to "go out" with a guy her age (a real cutey, from school. seems like a nice guy). In her lexicon, "going out" means going steady!

 

Her dad and I won't allow her to go to a movie alone with him, only with friends. However, we do allow them to go alone together to play mini-golf or other outdoor activities, in broad daylight.

 

And we absolutely will NOT allow her to "go out" in her sense of the word. It just seems inappropriate to be committed, in an exclusive relationship, yadda, yadda. Her dad is also concerned that her mind will turn to mush and her school work will suffer if she becomes too involved.

 

She tells me that "everyone else" is allowed to go out (I doubt it) and that my and dad's way of thinking is the way "our generation" thinks, and that it's not right for her generation. She also wants from us a VERY GOOD REASON for our policy.

 

Please, Loveshackies, can who help me out in explaining to my 13-year old daughter why it is not a good idea to be in a committed relationship at (breathe) 13 years of age.

 

Those of you who know me know that I can get pretty harpy when I give advice, and that's OK with me on Loveshack because I am not really here to foster respect with strangers across cyberspace.

 

But my daughter!! I want to give her a good reason for not going steady, yet not sound harpy, or hurtful, or judgemental. She's a great kid!

 

What should I tell my daugher? Any suggestions? Do you recall any advice that worked when you were her age?

 

Thanks.

[yes]

One thing to keep in mind is that the more you forbid it, the more she'll want it.

 

I don't think 13 is too early to start experimenting with dating. If she wants to call it going out, so be it, - you realize it's not going to last, come on.

 

And if you don't let her go to the movies with him alone, she'll find other ways to be alone with him! Better at movies than instead of class, right?

 

So, why not educate her about protection and give general advice about dating, and let her do what she likes? Of course, school work shouldn't suffer - make that clear. Otherwise, if school's going well, I think she should be free to date.

 

By the way, it's in your interests to make her feel its OK to discuss relationships with you - better you than some other 13.yo. from school giving her advice! So please..... don't make her hide dating stuff from you.

 

good luck,

-yes

(i'm 21)

[jalexy]

i think that you shouldnt forbid. and believe it, most ppl her age are getting to this stage. things have really changed. i am only 21 but i have worked with kids and seen things that when i was younger, didnt happen back then.

all i can say is educate, educate, educate. tell her about everything, what she needs to know about sex, boys and so on. she needs to be smart and so on. i know a guy who lose his virginity (he was a scumbag though) at age 13...it does happen, ask her to be open, honest and you can start a good foundation with her. plead that she not lose her virginity until she is absolutly ready- i would say the earliest 17. its scary and i dread to have to go through this one day with my daughter. =(. but it has to be handled.

[Tony T]

Until your daughter is 18, you're the boss...that's the law. I think the more good, clear, understanding, civil communication you have with your daughter the better off both of you will be.

 

Let her state her case and her reasons for what she wants to do. Then you state your case and your reasons for not allowing her to do certain things. Keep this session civil and non argumentative. Then discuss a compromise that makes your daughter feel she got some concessions from you...with you still getting your way in the deal.

 

I agree with the others that kids nowadays will do whatever they want and the more a parent protests, the more they will maneuver and position their time to make it happen anyway. Don't just tell her what she can't do. Sit her down, get her input and make her part of the decision making process.

 

Of course, there are other matters where you need to just lay down the law.

 

You have to take some responsibility for this situation. The way you have instructed her, set the rules and disciplined her in the past has a lot to do with how things will go in the future as it relates to her behavior in new adventures. The rest of it has to do with her being a new teen and in a new phase of her growth.

[quankanne]

my suggestion? tell her no daughter of yours is allowed to date until she's 23!

 

okay ... that won't fly. However, if you and your hubby have discussed dating ages and have come to an agreement that age X (15, 16, 17) is something you feel comfortable with, then let her know that and explain why y'all chose this particular age. Then point out that frankly, dating exclusively at such a young age sounds so damned boring -- does she really want to have to make the kinds of decisions that involve sex, putting someone else's needs ahead of her own and generally giving up access to friends and fun because of some boy's whims? I think if you make it a case of "well, it sounds interesting, but what will you have to give up to be in an exclusive relationship," maybe she'll find being able to have the freedom of "seeing" a boy in a group setting a bit more appealing.

 

And there's always compromise: no steady boyfriend or exclusive relationship with a boy until she's a sophomore or junior in high school, but if there's a certain young guy she'd like to get together with outside of a group setting, then y'all (or trusted chaperones, like godparents or an older sibling/friend) will consider taking the two of them someplace in a supervised setting (the theater, out to eat at a nice restaurant, to Six Flags or the Renaissance Fair, etc) where she has some mobility but isn't necessarily in a situation that could become uncomfortable should things get out of hand.

 

the others have some very good points: it's not too early to educate her about responsibility in relationships; but first and foremost, YOU are the parent, and your say is the final say.

 

as for the "everyone is doing it" thing, it's a lame excuse that we've all tried. If eating entrails or excrement was all the rage, would she seriously consider doing it? Especially if her friends were? I think not!

 

good luck, and you have my prayers, you beleaguered parent of a budding teenager....

 

quank

[EnigmaXOXO]

She tells me that "everyone else" is allowed to go out (I doubt it)

 

LOL…if I had a penny every time my own daughter screamed those words at me before stomping off and mumbling “what a rotten parent I was” Little did she know that I spoke to parents of those friends who said, like me, they DID NOT allow their kids to do what my daughter was claiming. And there own teenagers were using the same argument!

 

I think you and your husband know, better than anyone, what your daughter is mature enough to handle. You must set you own limits and govern your own household the way “you” see fit and not worry about what everyone else is doing with their children.

 

I’ve been to MANY councilors over the years regarding my own daughter’s bumpy adolescence. And while she never grew into the great, responsible, healthy, self-sufficient adult we all hoped for, I did manage to come away with some great skills and lessons that I eventually applied when working later on with other troubled teens.

 

My favorite councilor, and mentor, once suggested that we sit down with our daughter and write up a “contract.” Teenagers are constantly testing the limits and challenging the rules. Sometimes its because they don’t know where that invisible line is. Particularly, when as parents, we have a hard time remaining consistent. One day, they’re allowed to do something----and the next they’re not. They learn very young, if they push hard enough, they can wear us down and we’ll eventually give in. The line between what “is” and “is not” permitted are now blurred. We have forgotten the first important rule in parenting----Consistency. And when they make a mistake, break a rule, or breech a trust, we act instinctively on emotion and place unreasonable restrictions on them.

 

“That’s it!----You’re grounded for a YEAR!”

 

The problem is, not even we have the stamina to enforce a restriction for that long. Usually by the week’s end, we’ve cooled off and given them back the TV and phone…and undermined the second most important rule in parenting---Follow Through.

 

So we were instructed to sit down and write a list of all the house rules and “why” we had set them into place. After reading and agreeing to our terms, our daughter was then instructed to pick the penalties for each rule that she agreed were reasonable and fair should she break the contract. For instance, one of our rules was: If you say you are going to a movie with a friend, you are to BE at the movie and not sneak off and go somewhere else. My daughter than picked the penalty that she would have to pay should she break that rule. And to our surprise, some of her own self-inflicted punishments were far more severe than anything we could have thought up! Once the “contract” was signed, there was nothing left to argue over. If our daughter broke a rule, she had the contract and the “penalty” that she had chosen herself.

 

Of course, in order for this to work, you and your husband will have to work together as a united front to enforce the “contract.” No one can give in, and no one can change the rules unless all three of you agree. This was our downfall, but that’s another story…

 

But like you, it was important to us that our daughter maintain her grades in school. And this was included in our contract. We also stated that she would only be allowed to “car date” when she had acquired her own driver’s license and we were confident that she would be able to handle a vehicle should her friend or “boyfriend” become incapacitated (or drunk)---eh hem. There were also conditions set in place that she would have to meet before she would be allowed to get that license.

Everything was cut and dry, written in black and white, and there were no questions left to be answered, or any reason to get into heated debates. We just tossed her the contract!

 

Not sure if this method will work for you, but in theory, it sure made sense to me and worked quite well for a while! Also, it seems like you have a good parenting partner in your husband, and together the two of you will be able to work together through any issue that might arise. If only your daughter knew just how lucky she was!!

[Jamie31]

Honestly, you can tell her that you don't want her to "go steady", but if she wants to and all her friends are telling her to, or whatever the case may be - she wil do it. And then just turn around and lie to you about it because she knows you disapprove. I mean really, what is your reasoning for not wanting her to go steady? It's not like they are going out on dates, they are just...um....what do you call it....declaration of a couple? I don't know, just whatever. The thing is, if you tell that she can't go steady, it's just going to make her lie to you about this and also about things in the future. It's just going steady, its not like it's going out and partying. I mean, girls that age are so fickle, in about 3 weeks, she probably won't even like the guy anymore. But it just gets worse from here. If you tell her she can't go steady, she will anyway and lie about it and then when she wants to do things in the future, she will lie about that too because she knows you will dissaprove.

 

It's important that you let your daughter feel like she can come to you about anything, or pretty soon you'll wake up and realize you don't know her at all, cause she won't talk to you about anything if you are constantly saying no.

 

I have a 12 year old sister, so I know what you mean. But just let her. It's not hurting anything, and she'll move on to someone else next week, probably. It's not long-term and it's not going to hurt her. Just let her.

[A wanderer]

ok im thirteen my parents are all for dating heck they ask me why i don't go out much. they really don't mind and im happy.not that ill use them but my parents are already buying rubbers for me

[abarabarea]

I'm 18, and back when I was 13 I was quite a nerd and no boys were interested in me (although I was interested in them....hahaha) My brother, however, had a "girlfriend" at age 13. All they did was hold hands through the halls at school. That's it.

 

Couple-dom isn't the same at that age. You could just flat out say "no dating until blank age" but there are definately ways around rules. I would expect her to be honest about where she is, what time she'll be home (and if she doesn't already have one she should have a curfew when dating), who will be around and how you can reach her. And every once in a while check to be sure she is where she says she is. Make the consequences known, and make it tough to date, but don't disallow it.

[longlegzs80]

If I were in your shoes, I would think the same way. There is no reason for your daughter to be "going steady" at the age of 13. There should be no questions about it too.

 

I have mentioned this in other threads that I am only 22 years old, but I know if I was in your position, I would make sure she is not dating that young. I don't understand what the rush is. It is good that you let her go out with him, but it is only asking for serious trouble if they start dating seriously. And all the people around her age are not dating. The kids who are dating around 13 have parents that are not laying down their foot on the matter.

 

If I were you, I would tell her she can start dating steading when she reaches 16 or so, but if you suspect any suspecious behaviour between your daughter and this boy, please take her to get on birth control and have talks to her about safe sex and condom use. It is good to teach them this stuff when they are young, but if she wants to go steady with this dude, then you will have to have a talk with her.

 

Now, from my understanding, you and your husband seem like very good parents, and have some concern about the age factor and her being able to date steadily. If you weren't a caring parent you would probubly fit into that category of letting your child do whatever she wants at whatever age, and be like all the people who are her age who are supposedly dating steadily. But I can tell, that you want her to concentrate on school

 

Just tell her, that she is too young to be dating steadily and her younger years is what she should enjoy. It totally amazes me that kids go out at that age. But I think those kids who do that and that don't have parents who lay down the law is only going to get worse, and things will get out of hand and then pregnancy will happen.

 

Talk to your husband and set up some rules for your daughter. Tell her that you love her dearly, but at this age of 13, it is inappropriate for dating, and that she needs to get good grades in school and enjoy her young years. There is really no rush to dating, and I can see that you and your husband believe in that sense too. Just talk to her, and let her hang out with this boy only when she is with friends, and during the day. Make sure, she knows that she can come and talk to both of you if there is any issues and that you are only looking out for her well being.

 

I remember when I was that age, and I thought boys had coodies still. My mother laid down the law and told me, that there are no ifs, ands, or buts about it that I can start dating at the age of 16. But her and I have always had a great mother, daughter relationship where I can come to her about anything and everything. I respect my mother, and your daughter should respect the fact that you and your husband are looking out for her well being. I hope this has helped and sorry for the rambling. Take care and keep intouch with the forum.

[EnigmaXOXO]

At thirteen, my "dating" was limited to those lame high-school dances where my parents knew they were chaperoned by adults. I was allowed to have boys over to visit at my home, but only when my parents were there.

 

At fifteen, I was allowed to go to movies with friends or a boy, but ONLY if my parents dropped us off and picked us up. This was so humiliating for me, that I only went out twice!

 

At sixteen, when I had learned to handle a vehicle, my parents finally allowed me to "car date." But ONLY after my father met the guy and spent an hour grilling him on the living room couch telling him what time he had to have me home, what I was allowed to do and NOT allowed to do. He also made it clear what he was prepared to do if the poor guy tried to take advantage of "his baby girl." The only thing missing was the shotgun! (He's Italian).

 

Needless to say, I was so mortified after the first few "interviews" that I rarely brought dates home even when I was asked out. And most of the guys who made it past the front door never called again. (ha ha)

 

As abarabarea suggested, the old man didn't disallow me to date, but he sure made it difficult!! And now looking back, we laugh about the whole ordeal and while I hated him at the time, I now appreciate and understand what my parents did. If they had not been so strict, I could have gotten into far more trouble than I did!

[turtle]

You can't control your daughter - just educate her. Sometimes you have to let your hair down and trust her to do the right thing. If you shelter her too much at a young age - she will lash out later.

[quankanne]

how is telling your daughter you feel she is too young to date sheltering her? Granted, she's got every right to be able to spend time in the company of cute boys and being prepared with sex talks, there's still a boundary she knows she must stay within. if Mom and Dad DON'T feel comfortable with the idea of her "seriously" dating a boy at the age of 13, the call is theirs, not their daughter's.

 

Granted, she may try to do an end run around their decision by "secretly dating" him, but she cannot say she doesn't know where the boundaries are. Giving in isn't going to make her any happier in the long run; kids want to know where they stand, even as they rant and rail and do their best to cross those boundaries.

[Carly]

Thank you all for your advice. As some of you know I am pretty thick-skinned when it comes to giving and receiving input from Loveshack, and almost nothing embarrasses me -- but all this advice was about my own daughter! I could not have imagined how emotional I felt, reading all of your great pieces of insight, and considering your different perspectives. I honestly never considered the (obvious) possibility that she could just "go out" with him behind my back! How naive I've been. And the talk about sex education!! Yes, I have given advice to others, but with my own daughter!! I'm not ready for this!!!!

 

Why, oh why, is it so hard to deal with these things when it's your own kids?

 

Years ago (when I was writing on family stuff), a psychoanalyst told me that we resist these issues with our kids because of the human taboo against incest, and just talking to our kids about sex crosses the line because we become sexually stimulated, yadda, yadda. I thought that he was going too far.

 

But then what is it?! Why am I such a wimp when it comes to talking to my daughter about these things? Heck, I don't even want to talk to her about how to use a tampon so she could make her swimming classes!! (But hey, if anyone wants to write some friendly tampon advice for her, I'll just print it and slip it under her bedroom door, lol)

 

Your thoughtful responses are forcing me to face these important issues. Thanks. You are all great.

[EnigmaXOXO]

So true Quakanne!

 

Rebelling or "lashing out" is usually the result of children who have been allowed to have free reign; who have not been taught to respect authority and abide by "rules," children who have never been taught to incorporate the word "NO" into their vocabularies...which is why they over react, throw tantrums, and lash out when hearing it for the first time. To them, being told "you can't" is an insult.

 

Teenagers want nothing more than to be treated like adults. In the eyes of an adolescent, being grown-up means having the freedom to do what they want, go where they want to go, and spend time with who ever they feel like. (Just like mom and dad). But what they don't realize is that those adult freedoms also come with responsibilities. Example; having gainful employment so that you can afford to go out and have a good time, having the maturity and intelligence to make healthy decisions. After all, even when you are adults, there are authority figures we must respect and laws we must all abide by. It's up to parents to teach their children that "freedom" is not something they are entitled to, but rather a privilege that needs to be earned.

 

And although "educating" your children about sex is a good thing, it does not mean they will be able to make rational decisions when encouraged by their peers. Just look at all the teenage pregnancies! It's unrealistic to think that the kids who are having sex weren't already "educated" about it.

 

And handing your thirteen year old son condoms?? Yikes! I feel sorry for the young lady who's parents allow their daughter to go out with this young boy!!

 

Its hard to imagine that children this young are already thinking about those things. I think our society has become so "open" and lax about sexuality, that we are forcing our kids to grow up too soon.

 

I just worry that in ten years, if parents don't take control and change what our children are expose to, we'll be handing out birth control in the elementary schools.

[yes]

biologically, people can start mating at about 13 y.o., right? so no condoms in elementary school =)

 

But I wanted to say something about rebellious kids & rules. Teachign the kid to respect authority & all that will keep them at bay for a long time, BUT it does build up inside, and once they're off to college, they go CRAZY. There has to be a good balance, just like with everything else.

 

-yes

[quankanne]

to yes and enigma:

 

my comment about kids wanting and needing boundaries stems from something my niece told me when she was 15 or 16 -- my sister was a single mom who worked a lot, who didn't want to be the "bad guy" by imposing any restrictions of her kids (though I think it also stemmed from her being a rebel herself).

 

My niece and I once got into a conversation about being in situations where she was being asked to make decisions that she didn't feel comfortable making and then getting into trouble for using her judgment -- at that time, the issue centered around her hanging around all night with friends, not really doing anything, but hanging around all night then coming in whenever she wanted.

 

She had said it was hard to decide when to call it quits when her own mother refused to set a curfew for her or her brother, then she threw me off by saying, "you know, as much as we push and complain and fight about rules, I think a lot of kids are glad they're there, because it shows us how much our parents care enough about us to set them, and I wish my mom would do that for us." This child has always been level-headed and responsible, but to hear her admit that made me realize that it's all about having that net of safety and security, of knowing that even though when you're younger you don't care for the rules, it's also kind of nice knowing that someone else is responsible for making decisions, not you ...

[EnigmaXOXO]

Same thing with my daughter!!

 

I couldn't understand why she fought me so hard on everything! She would actually instigate fights with me and enjoyed pushing me over the edge and watching me get mad. She even dared me to hit her...BEGGED ME...and when I refused, she'd even get madder!

 

I thought for sure my daughter was loosing her mind. To my surprise, she even physically threatened her councilor. After many sessions, she finally confessed that she "liked" it when Mom stood up to her. Because the rest of the authority figures in her life were such a push-overs, the resistance she got from me "ironically" gave her some bizarre sense of "security." Somehow, she thought that this made her feel loved, that someone actually gave a d*mn about her!

 

It's not that she wasn't showered with love and attention. As a matter of fact, she almost received so much of it from family and friends (she was very popular in high school)...that compliments, hugs, and the many gifts that were lavished upon her by her father and grandparents (she was spoiled) had no meaning to her any more.

 

I was absolutely FLOORED by this Revelation and still have a difficult time understanding how someone could resort to such tactics, feed off of such drama, just to get some kind of attention...even if its negative!

 

Any psychiatrists here that can explain this strange behavior??

[Jaimie]

right... the fact that you have to post something online asking other people for reasons why your daughter should not be allowed to 'go out' with another boy proves that you don't really have any good reasons for her not to, you need to let her have freedom, but try to talk a lot about everything, so that she feels she can confide in you instead of having to hide her real life and real self from you. the more you forbide her from dating the more distant your relationship will become, and 13 is a critical time, that could dictate how strong or weak your relationship with her is in the future

[asasd]

**** your parents, just leave and go out. I respect authority, but who on this earth has the right to tell you not have a fun life?

[Jaques franc]

you americans and your uptightness about sexuality pfffffffff give me a brake. "guns violence war - ok" - "sex, , kissing, PDA - NO" - woooooooooooow

[faux]

I believe that you, as a parent, do have a right to dictate whether or not your daughter has dating privileges at her age. I do not feel that thirteen is an age at which a child ought to start becoming involved in relationships. Do not believe when she informs you that everyone else is allowed to do something, as this is most likely a lie. Even if this were true, you raise your children in the manner in which you believe is best.

 

I find it humorous that your daughter expects you to provide her with what she is going to consider a reasonable explanation as to your decision. I doubt that any view on the topic aside from hers will seem reasonable in any sense, so why bother explaining? If you choose to provide her with an explanation, simply tell her precisely why you feel as you do. You obviously have reservations and beliefs, and it should not be difficult explaining to her WHY you are making such a decision. "Just because" is not a good response. I recommend you provide her with insight into your decisions.