Disciplining a 2 year old

[FlyingToaster]

I need some suggestions as how to lovingly discipline our son. He is 2 years old and actually a well-behaved little guy. The only problem we have is that when he gets told 'no' too many times, he gets angry and will throw whatever is in his hand at the time, and/or will hit.

 

When he's done those things in the past, I will grab his hands and make him stand face-to-face with me. I look him in the eye and tell him, "No! We do not hit/throw things!" I use a very stern face. If he continues to cry, I walk away from him and leave him alone for a few minutes. Even if he hasn't calmed down by that point, I go to him and don't necessarily say anything to him, but I rub his back or something else that's loving.

 

I don't want to spank. What's the point of that if I'm trying to correct him about hitting? I feel there are other ways of getting the point across about bad behavior without resorting to physically hurting him.

 

I also understand that he's doing a lot of this out of frustration. He's at an age where he's mobile, curious and wants to explore, but is being denied that (even if it's for his own good), and can't communicate how he feels.

 

Am I on the right track? We've been doing this for some time now. I see some improvement, but not enough to convince me that this is what will work best with him.

 

Any suggestions are appreciated.

 

Take Care

[Ronni_W]

Flying,

I saw how to do it on 'Super Nanny' but really wouldn't do a good job explaining. They use 'time out', there are guidelines for how long by child's age, and other stuff. May I suggest supernanny.com -- they seem to have lots of good stuff there. Following is just a very small excerpt from their 'toddler' section:

Use positive words

Some of the most overused words in parenting are no, don’t and stop. It’s necessary, of course, that we get our children to stop misbehavior. However, when these words are overused they can create more problems than they solve. Try to save these words for necessary times. When possible, choose more positive words, such as “would you please…”, or “I would like you to...”

 

EDIT: Found the link to what I was thinking of -- 'naughty step' technique -- may not be suitable for a 2 y/o -- perhaps you can improvise?

Best of luck. http://www.supernanny.com/Advice/-/Supernanny-techniques/-/Discipline-and-reward/The-naughty-step-technique.aspx

[Lizzie60]

I have always and still believe very much in positive reinforcement... when he is doing something you like or when you say no and he is 'obeying' reinforce that behaviour.. make him a proud little man for being so obedient..

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Best book I ever read on the subject. It was recommended to us by a child psychiatrist. There is also a video. All caregivers must be on the same page for this to work but it works like "magic". Here's a link with the premise of the book.

 

http://wik.ed.uiuc.edu/index.php/123_Magic

[FlyingToaster]

Thanks for the quick replies, Ronni and Lizzie. You both have great suggestions and I will incorporate them into our daily routine.

 

I feel I'm off to a good start, I just need to make more effort. I want my son to be happy and confident and know that he is a good boy with an occasional and understandable upset now and then. He's testing the boundaries and becoming more independent. I need to keep him going down the good path as he explores.

 

What prompted all of this was my BIL came over with his kids last week and they were a horror! They're a good 5 years older than our son, and they were told no from time to time, but it was never followed through, etc. so now they are a HUGE handful. I don't want things to get out of hand like that with our son, and I want family and friends to enjoy his company. At this time, I don't care to be around my BIL's kids for too long.

 

Take Care

[FlyingToaster]

Thanks, IfWishes. I posted my first reply before I saw your post. I will look at that link as well.

 

Take Care

FT

[KinAZ]

Yes, super nanny has good tips. I use the time out rules, as well as getting to their level when I talk to them. The other helpful thing I've found (and you may be on top of this already are) is avoiding the things that will lead to misbehaving. If your son always takes a nap at a certain time, don't take him out during that time. Stick to the schedule, for example.

 

The MOST important thing is being very consistent! My children give my mother a hard time, because she's not consistent when she watches them. They, of course, went through periods where they tried to pull certain things with me, since their grandmother allows certain behavior. But now even the little one knows better.

 

I've also found that explaining the rules makes a difference. My youngest went through a short phase where he wanted to experiment with tantrums. And so, before we went into the store, I would let him know that we're not going to buy a toy (or whatever the case may be), let him know that we will have to leave if he doesn't behave, and I ALWAYS ask them to tell me the rules before we go into a high risk place. (Toys R Us, the park, etc) I'm not sure why, but for some reason, involving them in the rules makes a difference. Things that require a response like "are you supposed to stay with mommy?"

 

If I went to the store, and they misbehaved, I dropped everything and removed them from the situation. Every time, without fail. Now, one reminder is generally enough. "Are you supposed to do that?"

[SnapCracklePop]

Am I on the right track? We've been doing this for some time now. I see some improvement, but not enough to convince me that this is what will work best with him.

 

Any suggestions are appreciated.

 

Take Care

 

 

Yes you are on the right track And I think it is great that you are not spanking your child. I took the same approach with my kids. The 2 yr age is tough though... they are exploring, and they are gaining more control of their world... but there are these things called 'rules' and he does not quite know what they are, except that they are bad and he wants nothing to do with them.

 

Kids of that age have not even developed the part pf their brain that gives them the ability to reason, so controlling behavior is very difficult. Those of us who have been there know it is challenging and frustrating, but stick to your plan and it will eventually sink in.

[Shygirl15]

A firm tone of voice should do. Still works very well with my 5yo autistic son.

 

On the other hand, it's normal for all 2yo (boys?) to act that way.

[BeNotAfraid]

We made a little (2" x 2") square on the floor of red duct tape. When our son (or his older sister, for that matter) got out of hand, he had to go "stand on the red square" until he cooled off. It was in a corner, but a corner where everyone could see. He had to stand facing the wall. It really worked.

 

I also spanked him once. I never had to do it again, it made such an impression.

 

He's 13 now and quite the gentleman.

[KinAZ]

A firm tone of voice should do. Still works very well with my 5yo autistic son.

 

On the other hand, it's normal for all 2yo (boys?) to act that way.

 

Ah yes! I had to find a deeper pitch (hahaha). I didn't get that from any parenting info though. This sounds sort of bad, but... it actually came from dog info. Basically, when you tell a dog "no" in a sweet gentle voice he's not as likely to take you seriously. And so, I figured it might work on my son as well.

 

My oldest has Asperger's so he has his moments. He's high functioning, but has mild behavioral problems, so the label has come and gone and come again over the years. In any event, change the tone, look 'em in the eyes, and always be consistent.

 

As far as spanking goes, 2 might be a little young to start that one (depending on who you ask), but a firm whack on the backside never damaged anyone. I don't like to spank, but for SERIOUS things I will. For instance, my oldest almost ran into the street, and I did spank him right there on the spot. He never did it again. With something so dangerous... a whack on the back side is less harmful than being hit by a car. Otherwise, I stick to time outs and taking away toys and privileges (as per Dr. Phil). And it really does the trick. Also, there is much value in explaining things, even when they're only 2.

[FlyingToaster]

Thanks everyone for all your suggestions and support. I know he's at an age where he's becoming more independent, so he's going to want to venture out and do things on his own. Since he has little to no life experience, we as parents have to lay down the rules. I don't want to damage his spirit, but I don't want him to get seriously injured. Your suggestions have given me more confidence and more options in keeping him a confident little man with good self-esteem.

 

Take Care

[porter218]

I found that with my son I always get the best responses to a firm tone of voice. When I use that tone of voice with him it he knows I am serious and game time is over( it's like a verbal spanking..no hands needed). I have also found that it was really important around the age of 2 when he was learning the rules that all adults that help care for him were on the same page about everything. My mother, father, sister, husband, and myself would all communicate rules and punishments and positive reinforcement methods between each-other so there was no inconsistencies with my sons care.

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

My son is 18 now and never had a temper tantrum, threw things, hit, or anything like that.

 

He was always the most well behaved and happy two year old.

 

But then, I never told him no..

 

Children that age (or any age) don't like to be told no, the same way you wouldn't.

 

What I did was to safe proof the house and put things that he could break out of sight, or just "show him" things that he might be interested in and explore them together while explaining to him.

 

When his curiosity was satisfied, I'd just tell him, lets put this away now because it can break. He always understood.

[KinAZ]

I found that with my son I always get the best responses to a firm tone of voice. When I use that tone of voice with him it he knows I am serious and game time is over( it's like a verbal spanking..no hands needed). I have also found that it was really important around the age of 2 when he was learning the rules that all adults that help care for him were on the same page about everything. My mother, father, sister, husband, and myself would all communicate rules and punishments and positive reinforcement methods between each-other so there was no inconsistencies with my sons care.

 

That really is a blessing to have! My mom has grandma-itis. She has gotten a little better about the rules I make for them, but she's still not consistent with them. It sends the message that some things are OK sometimes. And it really does make things more difficult than they would be otherwise, since she is the official babysitter.

[MixMinus]

Well,

 

My son is 18 now and never had a temper tantrum, threw things, hit, or anything like that.

 

He was always the most well behaved and happy two year old.

 

But then, I never told him no..

 

Children that age (or any age) don't like to be told no, the same way you wouldn't.

 

What I did was to safe proof the house and put things that he could break out of sight, or just "show him" things that he might be interested in and explore them together while explaining to him.

 

When his curiosity was satisfied, I'd just tell him, lets put this away now because it can break. He always understood.

Exactly! No yelling, treat them with respect, use full sentences and explain exactly what you want them to do, not what you don't want them to do. I also have a 15mo old boy and my 6 year old does that with him too. It is really cool to see.

 

I wake up every morning and tell myself, if I can treat everybody today like I treat my children, it will be a good day. Funny thing is though, I can't do it.

[rod_in_gtown]

I think you're doing well with what you've been doing. Spanking to get across a no-hitting message can be confusing. a boy at the age of 2 doesn't fully understand what it's going on but he differenciates between affection and withholding affection. So his reaction is to cry so he can get affection again. (he knows this works for food and a change of diapers so he'll try it to get to the "happy" place again).

 

You need to be patient and steady the course. Eventually you'll get to a point where it's easier to negotiate timeouts and reward positive behavior.

 

The supernanny advise is VERY good, but I think you might need to wait until he's a couple of years older. Remember it's not bad to let him cry alone, specially if you're getting frustrated. This will allow you to regroup and calm down if you need it. Crying is not a bad thing, it's a way for us to express our frustrations.

 

My ex's son was VERY hyper and constantly wanting to hit and throw things. be patient and be strong. you're not a bad mother for trying to teach him what your rules are.

[Mitch_N_Fez]

I know this all too well. My monkey, Fez, gets out of control some times. I have him sit in the corner. He really doesn't like it much. But sometimes you just have to put your foot down.

[FlyingToaster]

Thanks for all the advice, everyone. Sorry I haven't commented earlier; I've been busy and haven't had a chance to check back.

 

I don't like telling my son no, but sometimes it just has to be said. I try distraction and reasoning the most, and they work really well. However, even though I think my house is childproof, my son never fails to find something that is potentially dangerous. Saying 'No' is what I do as I'm running to him. Once I get to him I explain, etc. We explore together, as I don't ever want to squelch his curiosity, and I am learning a lot myself as I think of new ways of teaching him.

 

A friend of mine whose children had long since left the nest told me, "Don't ever make promises you can't keep, and threats that you don't intend to follow through with." I agree with that. Threats don't have to spankings; they can be sitting in a chair, or putting away a favorite toy as a consequence. I have learned in that statement as well that I can't promise something just to get him to stop his behavior and then not follow through with it. Whatever I wouldn't like done to me I sure as heck can't justify doing it to him.

 

So with that, wish me luck! Someone else once said to me, "It gets better."

 

Take care.

[whichwayisup]

Threats don't have to spankings; they can be sitting in a chair, or putting away a favorite toy as a consequence.

 

2 year olds understand consquences. Time-outs, consquences, yes. Spanking, no. Hitting a child is pointless and sure, it may at that moment have shock value, but it's the wrong type of punishment.

[mopar crazy]

I think you are doing a pretty good job. 2 year old still have limited verbal skills and it's hard for them to vocalize what they want and it does get frustrating for them which causes them to become angry.

 

I never had much problems w/ my children getting into things they were not suppose to. If I didn't want anything broke I put it up, out of their reach. I also ran a Licensed Daycare out of my home for 8 years and never had much of a problem either. It was easier to remove the items of temptation so I wouldn't have to keep saying "NO" all the time.

 

As for the hitting, I always get down to the child's level, look at them in the eyes and says "Hands are not for hitting" instead of "No hitting." I always try not to use the word "don't" also.

 

Positive reinforcement is a great tool also. Catch them being good and reinforce that behavior.

[Konfuzion]

1 2 3 Magic, best method I have found for disciplining a child.

 

See it here