sagfgirl Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 Okay, this probably is not going to be as weird as you might think. My SO has been divorced for six years and has an 8 year old daughter. We have been dating for about 18 months now and are planning to get married - but not right away. Recently (like the last two months) I have felt that his daughter has been very possessive - like if I sit next to him on the sofa, she climbs on top of him or tries to squeeze between us or tries to get him to get up and go watch her do something. I know that people have different ways of dealing with kids - I know with my boys I have always set some boundaries on this kind of thing - like there are times when I am doing adult things and they don't expect me to pay attention to them every minute of that time. Anyway, it is difficult for me to deal with but I have tried very hard to not get competitive with her and to be supportive - to let her know that I am not trying to steal her dad. I can cope with most of it but last night she came and climbed in the bed with us and it made me really uncomfortable. First of all, I was not really wearing anything and I was uncomfortable having her there with me with no clothes on. Second, I have just always viewed the bedroom and the bed (especially) as sort of private places. What I really want to get input on is whether others think I am should just deal with it or whether I should really listen to that feeling and try to establish some boundaries (really what I need is to see if he will establish boundaries because that is what really needs to happen). I am very open to input that I need to just get over it -- I just want to know what others think - or any similar experiences! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 Don't sit around and wait for your man to make boundaries. He can't read your mind. You need to tell him how you are feeling, and make it clear that the two of you need to work together on this one. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted November 1, 2007 Share Posted November 1, 2007 It's not weird. I forbade my SO's son from coming into my bed when he was 8. LB is correct in stating that you need to communicate with your SO and present a unified front in establishing and enforcing boundaries. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 It's not weird. I forbade my SO's son from coming into my bed when he was 8. LB is correct in stating that you need to communicate with your SO and present a unified front in establishing and enforcing boundaries. That was the biggest thing that stood out to me in the OP's post. Not once did I see "my BF said this" or "my BF did that". Where is he in all this? How does he feel about his daughter in your bed? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 she is sending you both a message by her actions that he belongs to her - and NOT you. expect to always come second - or third - that is the role that you will play in their life if you decide to continue on with this relationship. i do speak from experience. 25 years of experience in this arena - you have to expect to be the last priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 4, 2007 Share Posted November 4, 2007 Okay, this probably is not going to be as weird as you might think. My SO has been divorced for six years and has an 8 year old daughter. We have been dating for about 18 months now and are planning to get married - but not right away. Recently (like the last two months) I have felt that his daughter has been very possessive - like if I sit next to him on the sofa, she climbs on top of him or tries to squeeze between us or tries to get him to get up and go watch her do something. I know that people have different ways of dealing with kids - I know with my boys I have always set some boundaries on this kind of thing - like there are times when I am doing adult things and they don't expect me to pay attention to them every minute of that time. Anyway, it is difficult for me to deal with but I have tried very hard to not get competitive with her and to be supportive - to let her know that I am not trying to steal her dad. I can cope with most of it but last night she came and climbed in the bed with us and it made me really uncomfortable. First of all, I was not really wearing anything and I was uncomfortable having her there with me with no clothes on. Second, I have just always viewed the bedroom and the bed (especially) as sort of private places. What I really want to get input on is whether others think I am should just deal with it or whether I should really listen to that feeling and try to establish some boundaries (really what I need is to see if he will establish boundaries because that is what really needs to happen). I am very open to input that I need to just get over it -- I just want to know what others think - or any similar experiences! This child is very insecure with you around... She is scared she will lose her dad.. which is quite normal... you need to have patience with her. It is the DAD's responsibility to 'secure' her with him. That's HIS job. He needs to make her feel like she is the most important person for him.. . and I trust she will, once she is secure with the 'love' from her dad, stop being 'jealous'... but you have to remember her age..she is very young and still a young child. She will eventually stop that behaviour.. It is IMO quite normal. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 5, 2007 Share Posted November 5, 2007 First off, until she feels more secure and not threatened by you, put on PJ's or a night shirt. Next time she jumps into bed, have some fun! Instead of feeling like you're competing with an 8 year old child, turn it into something positive! For afew minutes, let her have her time with her daddy, laugh and be silly. Then, let HIM take her back into her bedroom. Before she leaves, be the adult here and make this girl feel loved by you, especially since soon you will BE her stepmom. She needs to feel included, not rejected. Link to post Share on other sites
Jade 02 Posted November 13, 2007 Share Posted November 13, 2007 I agree with whichwayisup its always good to talk to a child,or treat em like grown ups along with kiddie stuff Link to post Share on other sites
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