Has my dad gone over the edge?

[933KJL]

I know vague title, but it is a difficult one to come up with.

 

In a nutshell, mom and dad divorced almost 40 years ago. I don't know why, but he was never a major factor in my life--the weekend dad thing.

 

He has remarried 4 times and over the past twenty five years, for some reason he cannot maintain a good relationship with my sister and me. It seems to be one or the other. Either he likes me and hates her or hates me and likes her.

 

Now about ten years ago, he and his latest/current wife moved to FL within about 5 miles of my mom. Kinda wierd but hey it is Florida and that is where old people go.

 

My mom developed Alzheimers and I was named trustee and all that and all now all the conversations between my dad and me revolve aroiund how much money my mom has, how much she is paying for the retirement community, etc. Before mom was totally wiped out by the Alzheimers, my dad tried to get her to write a significant check to a charity he supports, but the effort was thwarted bby her aid and he was told to see me. Taking advantage of someone I say.

 

I had a convo one time and said that he needed to let go and mom did not want him knowing her business and I was sure his current wife does not appreciate all conversations about a woman he divorced 40 years ago. But they continued.

 

Well, my mom finally died a few weeks ago, and here is where it gets wierd. He called the funeral home and identified himself as me (I am a Jr. but we use two different names sort of a Mikey and Mike thing) trying to get the obit to mention that donations go to his charity. He has not called me since she died asking if I am ok or anythign like that. And now I find out that the day after she died, he made application to live at the same place. I think this is VERY creepy...almost like he is stalking her and going to follow her literally to the grave.

 

As an aside, I have three kids and the level of his involvement there is to send a gift on birthdays and Christmas period. Rarely are we invited to visit, he came up to visit us in 2001 so it has been 4 yrs since he has seen the grand kids. I see him a bit (or I used to) since I went to FL several times a year for quick checks on mom. It is just a very strange situation

 

Any thoughts?

[Art_Critic]

What a self serving person.. I think I would be upset in your situation.

 

Have you thought about having it out with him and pulling all the old hurt and laying it on the table for him to see ?

 

My dad was a very self serving person and even though I never had the chance to deal with him before his death I wish he had lived long enough for me to straighten our realtionship out with him.. or try to anyhow..

[littlekitty]

My dad was a very self serving person and even though I never had the chance to deal with him before his death I wish he had lived long enough for me to straighten our realtionship out with him.. or try to anyhow..

 

Agreed. For a healthy mind I would recommend laying your cards on the table while you have the chance. I never had the chance to set things straight with a father I barely knew and had issues with. He died before I had that chance, and now I wish I had taken it earlier.

[933KJL]

I did have it out a few years ago, but it never really changed. Right now I am dealing with my mom's death and I am not sure that I really want to bring it up again with him. I am pissed, he knows it. He has not called to ask how I am doing with her death, and I am at the point of just writing him off.

[littlekitty]

Firstly my condolences on your loss. I can't imagine your pain right now, and to have your father make it worse must be terrible.

 

Unfortunately often the people in our lives aren’t the people we would want them to be, and we feel let down by this.

 

Perhaps the thing to do right now – and I think the best thing is for you to follow your heart here – is to let your Dad know that you don’t appreciate his meddling in affairs that do not concern him. Ask him to give you some space to grieve over your mother, since he is unable to provide the support you would wish for.

 

Maybe then at a point when you are stronger you can speak to him again. Perhaps you will have to learn to simply accept who he is and that he isn’t going to change. Make the conversation simply about you being able to tell him your point of view. That way when no change happens, you will be less disappointed and more able to move on as you have stated your case, and in some way, been able to find your closure.

 

Does that make sense? Don’t expect anything from him from the conversation from his side. Look at it as a form of closure on the situation for you. That might be all you can hope for in this situation.

 

For now maybe, ask him to keep away and take the time to grieve over your mother.

 

I wish you well.

[933KJL]

That does make sense. Settle my life a bit and then tell him my POV. But it is strange for sure. I am not sure how his current wife is handling that--I think I would be a bit freaked out that this guy si still carrying some sort of torch for a woman he divorced almost 40 years ago. And has re-married 4 more times since!

[littlekitty]

That does make sense. Settle my life a bit and then tell him my POV. But it is strange for sure. I am not sure how his current wife is handling that--I think I would be a bit freaked out that this guy si still carrying some sort of torch for a woman he divorced almost 40 years ago. And has re-married 4 more times since!

 

It is a strange situation. It sounds to me as if your father has some unresolved issues around your mother and their relationship. No doubt his wife has some idea as to this, she must have surely noticed his behavior.

 

It's possible he feels he has now lost the chance to resolve these and is reacting/dealing with this badly too. Perhaps he is more effected than you understand currently.

 

However, it's not your burden to carry these issues, and I would try to put yourself first right now.