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How should I handle my dad yelling at me?

Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 3rd April 2019, 7:30 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by Acacia98 View Post
This is abuse. I don't know if you read the OP in full, but the elements of abuse and putting him down are there.

Also, regardless of what Daddy's intentions are, he is intimidating his son and impacting his self-esteem. These are the kinds of experiences that push people into being receptive to abusive behavior from relationship partners when they do enter relationships. They also make people give in to abuse from bosses and generally those who are more powerful than them in different spheres of life.

NightRogue: I come from a different country on the same continent as you. This is a familiar story in my home culture too. I just want to affirm that what you are experiencing is in fact wrong, inasmuch as we normalize it and call it "African culture."

At this stage, I would advise that you take the time to understand his behavior better: why is he that way? Is it a dynamic in your larger extended family? What impact does it have on you and your siblings and other family members? Are there other things he does that you may not have mentioned here that are similarly problematic? I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but reading about people in similar situations and other psychology-related discussions could help you make sense of your experience and figure out how you can best help yourself. This discussion forum is definitely a good place to start.
My brother and I sometimes fight and its gets physical, like we get really angry sometimes and he's quite aggressive sometimes.
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Old 10th April 2019, 6:14 PM   #17
Join Date: Apr 2019
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I can so relate. My parents told me I was beautiful, brilliant, and talented all the time. But when they were angry at me, I was a horrible, selfish everything but a child of God. Your dad yells at you because he can't control his temper. But he's obviously a proud man who will justify yelling at you when what you deserve is an apology. But telling back isn't the answer. Does he get through to you when he yells at you? No and you won't get through to him. I just started hanging up on my parents or telling them I inherited their bad behavior. If I could go back to your age, I would say, "I am an adult now. I deserve the respect I had to give you all my life. When you're ready to have a civil discussion, we can talk about this." Don't take part in a shouting match. They're not only unproductive, they're destructive. Tell him, "I don't gear words that are shouted at me, only white noise and anger." No one can fight by himself.
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Old 14th April 2019, 5:34 AM   #18
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NightRogue your circumstances remind me of an article I once read by an Australian football player of Islander decent. I've tried in vain to find the article online but haven't been able to for you. If I do find it I will be sure to post a link.

But my recollection of the essence of it was that his Islander culture had strongly ingrained in it a sense of respect for, and duty to parents. That despite being a lauded professional sportsman, he was more likely to gain his father's ire for any misstep than praise for his many achievements. He recounted that he spent most of his interactions with his father looking at it his feet feeling shame for disappointing him.

I can't remember the catalyst, but there came a turning point where in the midst of being berated instead of looking at his feet... he braced up and looked his father in the eye. And objected. And told his father that while he was instrumental in his development, he was now his own man, who owned his own destiny. That he respected him and would welcome loving criticism and two way discourse man to man, but would not stand for being admonished like a child.

It was apparently a turning point in their relationship. Having the son assert his authority and independent manhood apart from his father's (overbearing albeit well meaning) influence.

Take from that what you will. I wish you well with your future dealings with your father.
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Old 18th April 2019, 10:02 AM   #19
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You have to tallk about it to him sooner than later, I am sure you both will be able to come to a better understanding and you might come to find that this is just his way to be protective and a guide.
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