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MIL & lack of action by kids [UPDATED]


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 12th March 2019, 7:10 AM   #16
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SIL needs to check herself! She has someone (you) who is willing to completely take over to keep her mother safe, and she's so worried about maintaining control that she's putting her own mother in harm's way.
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Old 12th March 2019, 9:06 AM   #17
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At the family's insistence, I backed off. Now I have more extended family calling me & asking me what's going on. I found out those extended family members have reached out to SIL & BIL to find out what is going on. SIL & BIL say they have it under control & BIL is going over there to check on MIL. BIL told me he's too busy & will go next week, some time after the 18th. Meanwhile SIL told me not to listen to the extended family because they are all histrionic liars, prone to exaggeration.

Last night I made DH look at mom's FB page because the nonsense posted on there -- the same music video posted every day since January 25 -- finally made DH concerned.

Then I called MIL on DH's phone & put the phone on speaker. During the conversation MIL explained to DH that she has this new "job" where she uploads videos to the computer to do on line marketing for some band. She insisted that she is putting up new content daily & that she controls who has access to the website she created for the band.

DH was almost in tears when he got off the phone because he didn't even recognize his own mother given the gibberish that was coming out of her mouth. She hurried him off the phone because she had to go talk to the band manager about getting paid. She was upset that the manager was controlling her.

DH was so upset he called his father for help. God Bless my FIL. He point blank said D0nnivain has been bringing all of this to your attention for years, it's about time you listen to her. Why are you calling me? Do what she says & get your ass on a plane to go get your mother to a doctor. FIL did agree to call BIL on the ground & encourage BIL to get over to MILs house today.

I ended up walking away because DH still thinks his brother can fix all of this. BIL hasn't done anything & it's all getting worse.

The sad part is that the extended family who calls won't take action either because they don't want MIL or SIL to get mad at them. Ugh.

Thanks for letting me vent.
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Old 13th March 2019, 4:15 AM   #18
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sigh.......
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Old 13th March 2019, 5:58 PM   #19
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BIL finally went over there. I spoke to MIL's PCP. Things are looking better.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 4:55 PM   #20
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Alas

MIL had her doctor's appointment yesterday. New doctor suspects Alzheimer's. I was actually kind of hoping for a tumor; at least with that perhaps advances in surgery could have helped. Maybe if we caught this early enough we can still get MIL on a memory preserving drug like Aricept or something in that family.

DH & his siblings are finally taking this seriously.

Goal # 1 has to be keeping her safe.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 6:59 PM   #21
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Iím so sorry Donni. Thatís not good news.

Hopefully the rest of the crew can now get on board and make some good decisions - to give her the best quality of life and keep her safe.
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Old 2nd April 2019, 8:21 PM   #22
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No one has to be her legal guardian to take her butt to a neurologist and get her a brain scan. My mom had a tumor no one knew about until she was dying.

I really don't get why everyone doesn't get all kinds of scans when they're old just to see what's in there! Yes, some places will get sticky about she had to make the appointment herself, but a lot of places let that slide. He says, making an appt for my mom and gets an appt and takes her there. I have done it to my dad.

He didn't fight about it and didn't know what on earth except that he was with us and we were in a waiting room.

I think you need to unshoulder this and put it on your DH to deal with however he wishes. He should be the one figuring out what to do and talking to his family. Has anyone ever just asked his mom if she'd like to go to a doctor appointment and get a brain scan?
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Old 3rd April 2019, 5:09 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Has anyone ever just asked his mom if she'd like to go to a doctor appointment and get a brain scan?
No. You wouldn't get a straight answer anyway.

I got some bizarre story today about her EX-H coming back disguised as the leader of the band she's been following. She's been having a delusion that she's working for the band but they recently fired her. She has now concluded that the band fired her because it's not really the band, it's her bad guy EX (not DH's father) who is impersonating the band leader. I'm loathe to tell SIL because she just left for a much needed vacation. It'll keep 'til she gets back from her friends' wedding.

If I didn't make it clear, even though the doctor suspects Alzheimer's, he has scheduled the brain MRI. We're just telling her that it's a new part of a routine check up.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 6:01 PM   #24
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^ Yeah, that's the way to do it. Obviously she has dementia of some type. My dad lived a long time with dementia. What a mess. Like more than 15 years. It was compounded by alcoholism in his old age, I'm sure. He wasn't like that, thank the Lord, when he was raising me and my sister. So the doctor said it behaved like Alzheimer's but wasn't Alzheimer's and was nondescript dementia. I highly suspect it was caused by him painting cars as a hobby all those years. That paint could do it not vented properly and you couldn't really vent properly because of dust. But now, my mom, I would say she lost her filter entirely in her old age, but I wouldn't call it simple dementia. She slowly faded away, her brain just got very slow and foggy, poor woman. We didn't know why. It was at the end when they finally scanned her and found a tumor. Now I'm worried about getting a tumor. I don't understand why brain scans and other scans aren't done routinely!!! It could prevent so much!
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Old 3rd April 2019, 6:34 PM   #25
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So sorry, donn0vain.

Actually, it seems to me you're doing great by your MIL. I'm sure DH and his sibs have taken her health more seriously because of your stated concerns than they would have, had you not been advocating for her.

So your efforts are not in vain. Just too bad it's taking a toll on you by causing you such stress!

There seems to be a lot of stress involved with our aging parents. It's often not an easy time.

Sending prayers for you and the situation now.
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Old 3rd April 2019, 11:46 PM   #26
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I have nothing to offer except to say that you are a blessing for your MIL.
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Old 5th April 2019, 7:55 AM   #27
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Thanks everybody. Being able to vent about it helps.

Preraph -- you are right. My own dad took a fall & developed a brain bleed but we didn't catch it early enough. We didn't find it until he collapsed & had a midline shift which required surgery to drain the blood. He died about a week later. I am not a HUGE proponent of brain MRIs. Especially with MIL & the family history this is essential. We shall see. I am sorry about your parents. It's so hard to watch them fail.
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Old 8th April 2019, 9:16 PM   #28
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Your MIL is so blessed to have you in her corner.
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Old 22nd April 2019, 5:09 AM   #29
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update please?
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Old 22nd April 2019, 8:05 AM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss Clavel View Post
update please?
MRI was normal.

She has an extensive cognitive work up scheduled for early June with a neuropsychologist.

She has figured out we are all concerned about her mental health. She got mad & screamed that she's not crazy. I goaded her into going ahead with the cognitive tests just to prove us all wrong & be able to say "I told you so." I seriously doubt we're wrong but anger is a good motivator

She's been going out more with friends, or at least that is what she is telling us. She told us that she applied for a few jobs, including things she previously claimed were beneath her. Her brother & sister have been on board encouraging her to get out more; they see elements of depression & isolation which should be resolved if she gets out more & has a purpose.

Right now we're kind of on hold until she completes the cognitive tests.
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