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MIL & lack of action by kids [UPDATED]


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Old 5th March 2019, 8:54 AM   #1
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MIL & lack of action by kids [UPDATED]

Many of you read with great compassion my struggles with my MIL. Based on the latest stories -- the people on TV can see into her house & are controlling her -- I am convinced this is mental illness not attention seeking. One of DH's cousins confirmed there is a history of brain tumors in the family & MIL's mother had them. This cousin, through her own mother, MIL's sister, is confirming that MIL is behaving just like their late mother.

Now how to get MIL the help she needs. I reached out to my SIL on the west coast to report these latest issues. SIL has repeatedly said she wants to be the person who holds the power of attorney & is the decision maker. I can't do it because I'm only the in-law & MIL already complains to everybody that I'm trying to run her life. To some extent she's not wrong but I have been worried about her safety for more then 2 years & have been sounding the alarm while others told me I was overreacting. DH is now on board & he's the most level headed choice to manage mom's affairs but SIL claims she wants to do it because mom won't let DH help; his tone & manner is too gruff.

SIL asked me what I would do if it was my mother. My response was I'd get on a plane, fly to mom, get her to sign HIPPAA medical authorizations so I could talk to every doctor; I'd get a power of attorney & add myself to the bank accounts to monitor the money & give other siblings updates & I'd make sure mom had a living will. Then I'd drag mom to the primary doctor & request a full check up, a brain MRI, a CT scan, a PET scan, & a referral to a neuro-psychologist. SIL replied, "I can't do all that." I wanted to scream.

DH called SIL last night & told her that we were going to mom & if she wanted to be in charge to get on a plane & get down there. SIL is thinking about it.

UGH! How do I sit back & let this terrified, depressed woman who is experiencing auditory & visual hallucinations struggle alone? Her kids have all always said that is jut mom "telling stories." No it's not!

I'm a "fixer" & I'm not good at backing off.

What do I do for MY peace of mind?

Last edited by d0nnivain; 5th March 2019 at 9:01 AM..
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Old 5th March 2019, 9:03 AM   #2
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DH called SIL last night & told her that we were going to mom & if she wanted to be in charge to get on a plane & get down there. SIL is thinking about it.
Good. Perfect. SIL can either fly out and help your husband do all of the things you mentioned or she can stay home. Up to her -- your husband has no other choice but to move forward if his sister doesn't want to help.

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UGH! How do I sit back & let this terrified, depressed woman who is experiencing auditory & visual hallucinations struggle alone? Her kids have all always said that is jut mom "telling stories." No it's not!

I'm a "fixer" & I'm not good at backing off.
She isn't going to struggle alone. Your husband is going to be there for her and handle all of this for her. And you really need to let your husband handle it. You can help him out tangentially, if absolutely necessary, but he needs to be the one leading the charge and getting his mother the help she needs.
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Old 5th March 2019, 9:13 AM   #3
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I’m sorry Donni. This is hard.

Just wanted to say, my neighbour had dementia and she had hallucinations. Medication can cause hallucinations. My mother had cancer and the burden of her disease caused hallucinations. Brain tumours can cause hallucinations... there are so many things that can cause the emotional lability and hallucinations that she has been experiencing.

This woman needs to see a doctor and have a brain scan and complete medical workup. It’s sad that you have to pressure her daughter to go, but you are not wrong to advocate for her health. Keep us posted.
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Last edited by BaileyB; 5th March 2019 at 9:18 AM..
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Old 5th March 2019, 9:18 AM   #4
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Thanks BaileyB.

I spent the last 10 years of her life keeping my mom safe. She had Alzheimer's. I really just want MIL to be safe & happy. Right now she's neither.
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Old 5th March 2019, 9:20 AM   #5
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I hear you. I took six months off work to be with my mom and care for her during her illness. I canít even begin to understand why her daughter wonít come to her assistance. But thankfully, your husband will be there. And, he has your support.
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Old 5th March 2019, 9:27 AM   #6
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The problem is as things deteriorate further I'm the one with the flexibility to be able to run down to Florida on a weekday to help. DH has a job with the gov't & can't just take off. He's actually putting in for family leave to do this. SIL is all the way on the west coast & she admits she ran as far away as she could for a reason. She's broke but has local work commitments so she has neither the time, the money or the advocacy skills to help her mother. DH's brother lives 20 minutes away but he's literally off his meds so he's unreliable. He's also the one who repeatedly claims mom is fine; it's like he refuses to see what is right in front of him.
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Old 5th March 2019, 9:56 AM   #7
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So much love. I just went through my Mom thinking that Frasier was sitting on our couch having a conversation with her.

Turns out that she had a rather nasty UTI and it had "gone to her brain" (apparently that can happen with the elderly) and that is why she was having the hallucinations. She spent a few days in patient with some IV antibiotics and was back more like herself. Not quite 100% but a good 97% improvement.

Your MIL definitely needs to have a full work up done.
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Old 5th March 2019, 9:57 AM   #8
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Wallysbears -- glad to hear that your mother pulled through.
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Old 5th March 2019, 11:17 AM   #9
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d0nnivain...

Don't you own the house that MIL is in?? If so, use that as leverage to get the SIL to get on board. Tell her that you are afraid that MIL will accidentally burn the house down and you and your husband can't let that happen. Tell SIL that unless she flies in and takes control of the situation you'll be left with no choice but to boot your MIL out of the home (for her safety as much as your peace of mind/investment)

If MIL truly believes that "the people on the TV" are "controlling" her, you have a MAJOR problem. Unless she has some type of short term chemical imbalance, (that can be corrected with medication) she can't live alone in your home.
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Old 5th March 2019, 11:59 AM   #10
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We do own the house. I actually care more about MILs safety then the house. It's insured.

DH is making arrangements for us to fly down there. I told him what agencies to contact for a home health assessment & to get MIL signed up for social services like meals on wheels & wellness checks. He called his sister & told her to get her ass on a plane if she actually expects to be included in the decision making process. He also told her it was ridiculous for her to be in charge from 3000 miles & 4 time zones away. He said he will take charge but she (SIL) needs to get on board & support that. She's "thinking" about it.

I spoke to other SIL today. She will send BIL over to see MIL tomorrow. While he can't be in charge of anything (& sometimes he shouldn't even be in charge of himself but that is another story), he does love his mother so he's at least gonna go see her tomorrow. They can be short term stop gaps until DH & I can get there.
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Old 5th March 2019, 12:01 PM   #11
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Your mother in law is lucky to have you!!!
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Old 5th March 2019, 12:27 PM   #12
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Your mother in law is lucky to have you!!!

She thinks I am a meddlesome witch who wants to control her life. I kinda do but only to make sure she is safe. My motives are pure but it's an adjustment.
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Old 5th March 2019, 12:38 PM   #13
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I actually care more about MILs safety then the house. It's insured.
Insurance isn't the "be all... end all", it used to be. If the insurance company thinks there is even the slightest factor that you were culpable in allowing an impaired individual to stay in your home, then they will attempt to deny the claim. You may want to check with your agent.

And again, I know your MIL's safety is the primary concern, I'm thinking using the "house threat" as a way to motivate the SIL into some form of action.

As a side note, I do know of one insurance company that denied a claim for water damage from frozen pipes, as they feel the homeowner didn't do enough to protect the pipes. (ie wrapping the outside pipes, leaving the water on trickle during cold spell, etc.) Insurance companies are always trying to find "an out" or some way to subrogate the claim to someone else. This is your investment, it is a large asset, please protect it to the best of your ability.

Just my two cents...
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Old 8th March 2019, 2:45 AM   #14
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I don't really have any advice OP. Just want to wish you the best and say I admire the care and concern you are showing your MIL.
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Old 12th March 2019, 7:01 AM   #15
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We do own the house. I actually care more about MILs safety then the house. It's insured.

DH is making arrangements for us to fly down there. I told him what agencies to contact for a home health assessment & to get MIL signed up for social services like meals on wheels & wellness checks. He called his sister & told her to get her ass on a plane if she actually expects to be included in the decision making process. He also told her it was ridiculous for her to be in charge from 3000 miles & 4 time zones away. He said he will take charge but she (SIL) needs to get on board & support that. She's "thinking" about it.

I spoke to other SIL today. She will send BIL over to see MIL tomorrow. While he can't be in charge of anything (& sometimes he shouldn't even be in charge of himself but that is another story), he does love his mother so he's at least gonna go see her tomorrow. They can be short term stop gaps until DH & I can get there.
so sorry. she's lucky to have you. and while you and her son are down there, get her to sign the power of attorney. get over to the doctor and the bank.

tuff tit, so to speak for her daughter, get there first.

you're already responsible, for her and the house she lives in, get it on paper, asap. before she has a delusion and lets the circus and the monkeys move in. or starts selling everything for cheap to send to her friend in nigeria, you know him, that prince?

of course she thinks her mother thinks your hubs is gruff, he's speaking about things she doesn't want to know.

all the best of good luck to you. i've been reading about your mother in law on here for years and i believe you are a good person with the best of intentions.

get going darling, she needs you.
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