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I'm never good enough to my mother.

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Old 1st March 2019, 2:53 PM   #1
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Unhappy I'm never good enough to my mother.

I'm Alex and just turned 26. I'm an only child. As far as I can remember my mother has always been a control freak and pretty much her opinion was the one that matters, everyone else is wrong. As far as I can remember she never said she loves me... We also have a dog and the sad thing is she tells our dog on a regular basis that she loves her.
As far as I can remember I've never been good enough.
When I was in school she never really let me go out to hang out with my friends (she quit her job after I started school and she's a stay-at-home every since so she had plenty of time to monitor me). My grades weren't perfect but I did pretty okay at most subjects and my favorite subject was foreign languages. First I learned German and then English later when I started high school, and a few months into my freshman year I started to learn Japanese and Korean on my own and after some time from private tutors. Despite all my hard work, all she said was I was a slacker, I'm a lazy ungrateful child and when I grow up all I will do is spread my legs for men whenever I have the chance. Which did not happen at all, and was very unlikely even back then since, again, she didn't like me going out at all and because of that I started dating only after high school. When I brought anyone home, she'd act all angelic on the outside but when she opened her mouth she said sugarcoated insults about me. It left them think my mother was weird and kinda crazy but I did not feel any less embarrassed.
When I graduated high school I got into university and when she learned about it, the first thing she said was "Well you better start paying for it then" and left the room. Needless to say I couldn't pay for it on my own since my mom didn't work and my dad's salary on its own was enough only to pay the bills and get food, so I dropped out very early on and had to live at my parents' house again. I took a 2-year-long course in my hometown and got a profession that got me nowhere and I was unemployed for 3 years. During those 3 years she kept saying that I was worthless, I'll never make it on my own and I'll never be able to be successful. Being stuck with her all day long took its toll on me. Soon I found out I developped depression. My mental health was at its lowest, my self-esteem nonexistent and I was suicidal. My dad is and has always been a good man and I love him very much, he is the only good thing in this wrecked family but the only thing I never understood is that how he can just bear my mother's craziness. He often says, to this day, to just let it go, whenever my mother says something insulting or crazy. Sometimes he wouldn't even believe me when I told him what my mother did or said to me because she always did the meanest things when he was at work. Although there were times when he protected me but then my mother went all like "Very well, take her side, I'm always the jerk anyway" and she'd usually cry. It only got worse by now. She's paranoid, she thinks that the twisted things that she pictures about me and my personality are real and that is the only reality. She often says that I think that (she likes to tell me what I think and I can never convince her that this is all only in her head and I think entirely something else) she's only a servant at home that cooks and cleans, which is not the case. She says that I'm lazy, I never help, all I do is sit around and watch her work... which, again, not the case. When I was unemployed I often went to the gorcery store and helped her cook, sometimes I cooked the entire meal and all but the thing is whenever I made a tiny mistake, like forgetting to do the dishes for once or leave a dirty sock on the floor of my room, everything I did to help was forgotten and when my dad was around she always said "See, this is what I always talk about, she's useless" or when we were alone I got a whole monologue about how worthless I am and she loves to repeat her favorite line: She's the only one doing anything and I think she's a servant in this house and I don't work on purpose because I'm a slacker.
I sent out my CV regularly though. But oftentimes the places I applied didn't even call me back. No one needed an inexperienced, just-out-of-school greenie so it was really hard to get started.
When I did get an interview, everytime I got ready and was about to leave the house, trying to convince myself that I'll get the job this time, trying to get confidence I did not have at all, she came up to me and said that my hair looked horrible, I'm ugly and I'll never get the job looking like this.
To be honest, as sad as it sounds, after the things she put me through mentally, I don't think I feel anything at all about her accept for the fact that I'm so done with her. I'm so tired. Tired of never being good enough. Even if eventually I got a job.
Two years ago one of my friends' mom managed to get me an interview with her boss at her workplace. I got the job and I still work there and the money is pretty darn good because my bosses actually think I do my job right, I'm at top position at the office I work at. I thought after I get a job she'll finally be satisfied. I was naive and I should've seen it coming. At the beginning when I started to work there she said that an office job is not a real job, why would I be tired at the end of the day. On one occasion I snapped and said "What the hell do you think I was doing the entire day? I was working", then she said she doesn't see anything of that. Then I said then feel free to come in and do my job, then you'll see. But as it turned out she was referring to money. My money. I wasn't paying rent in the literal meaning of that word but I did send money to my father's bank account every month (to which she had access as well).
When I got promoted and got higher salary she started to pick at the way I live my life and use my money for. My father said not to give any money to them anymore, he said that I should save money for myself and that money is entirely mine, for my future, and they don't have anything to do with it. Since my salary got higher I could save money as he said and use some of it for things I couldn't afford before, like travelling. I've never been abroad before so when I got enough money to actually visit my friend in London, I was super excited. I visited her twice last year and my mother did not like it. As it turned out she genuinely thinks that I save money for them (my parents). She thinks that money is for times when some emergency comes up (did I mention she's paranoid), and I'd give the needed money to her without question. She was furious when I asked my father to second that and he said that the money was mine and even though he didn't approve that I use some of my money to travel, he trusts that I know what I'm doing. Since then she prefers to b*tch about me to others but in hearing range for me. She never says things to my face, she says them to others while I can hear it clearly. She always did that from time to time but she used to really be careful to cuss about me when I wasn't around but her basic tone is very loud so you can imagine when she turns to volume up once she gets into the saucy rant about her useless daughter. And I'm really tired of thinking that I'm doing something right and then she appears and tells that I can't do sh*t right.
I'm sorry if this post was all over the place, I'm really not in a good place right now, and I just wanted to let my thoughts out. Hopefully soon I'll be able to move out but I'm very afraid that things won't change much after that either. I imagine she'd pick at the way I live even more, she'd tell me how to live my life even more and so on. So far whenever I see the light at the end of the tunnel, I realize it's a godd*mn truck.

Last edited by alex93; 1st March 2019 at 2:59 PM..
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Old 1st March 2019, 3:04 PM   #2
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I had a controlling mother who was often critical of me & my life. You have to learn to tune her out.

That will be much easier once you no longer live with her. You are working now & apparently doing a good job. So move out. Find a place you can afford with a roommate & establish yourself as an independent adult. Once you do that it will be easier for you to ignore her criticisms.

Even though she isn't kind do still be polite to her. Stay in touch with your father but establish better boundaries with mom.

Check around at work to see if there is a way you can get them to pay for college. Consider one class at a time on line if you have to. It took my husband about 6 years to get his degree on line but once he got it, that degree opened many doors for him.

You have the ability to make a better life for yourself no mater what your mother says.
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Old 1st March 2019, 3:05 PM   #3
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it's a good plan to move out, and stay as far away from her as you can. you need to develop your own sense of identity separate and apart from her. just because she's family, does not mean you have to keep toxic people in your life. in fact, you owe this to yourself, to honor and create healthy boundaries that cannot be trampled upon by others.
This above all: To thine own self be true
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Old 1st March 2019, 3:08 PM   #4
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You have to do everything in your power to move out NOW. Get a roommate. Get three.

You have to physically remove yourself from her grasp. Living on your own will build your self esteem and confidence. As long as you live with her nothing will change.
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Old 1st March 2019, 3:09 PM   #5
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Hi, alex93.

Your mom sure sounds like she has her issues, which, really, she was responsible to resolve the major ones long before she took on the roles of wife and mother.

At your age, though, the same as for her, you are now responsible to resolve all the psychological issues of your own psyche,
even if they were brought on or triggered by your mom's issues, attitude and treatment of you over all the years. (It is just not constructive for you, to just keep blaming her.)

There is an article, Karmic relationships with parents, that might provide some insight.

Wishing you the best.
"Good or benign intentions do not provide a defence." ~ Tony Wong, Reporter

Last edited by Ronni_W; 1st March 2019 at 3:14 PM.. Reason: Spelling
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Old 1st March 2019, 3:38 PM   #6
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I'm unclear if you finally moved out of your parents' house. But if you haven't, you MUST!! And do NOT give them any money unless your dad needs some privately and then only with a condition not to give it to your mean chronically unhappy dissatisfied mother. She is just an unhappy person.

The number one thing you must do is get away from her and live on your own or with a non-relative roommate she can't get info from. Under no circumstances should you give her a key to your home or allow her to drop by. If she does it, don't answer. She's horrible.

Because you now know you can accomplish things, your priority is to do just that and build up your own self-esteem since she has done everything to make you feel worthless. You are NEVER going to get her approval because she is projecting her own self-worth on to you, so stop trying. It's never going to happen. You can't buy it, and nothing you do is good enough. Once you have kids, do NOT let her babysit them and do to them what she has done to you, and also because that will just be a whole other round of criticism from her. Don't fall into that trap. Better to pay for childcare if necessary. Don't let her near them alone and sharply correct her and defend them visibly if she says something nasty to you or them to show that they should NOT take that from anyone.

I'm sorry you've had this to contend with. You've got it in your power to move out and save your pennies and make your own way and I promise you that you will feel so much better about yourself if you cut off this stream of bile coming from your so-called mother.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
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Old 1st March 2019, 3:50 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
And do NOT give them any money unless your dad needs some privately and then only with a condition not to give it to your mean chronically unhappy dissatisfied mother.
This is only good advice *IF* it also reflects the values and principles that alex93, himself, subscribes to;
otherwise, it can just as easily cause feelings of being out-of-self-alignment, lacking compassion, etc.

There are different ways of dealing with negative people, and dealing with people who are always right, which may be more in keeping with some people's innate nature.
(Disclosure: Those articles are of a spiritual nature; please accept or just ignore according to own personal philosophy/belief system.)
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Old 1st March 2019, 5:51 PM   #8
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Her values and principles have been distorted due to her mother's constant abuse. So time for her to get her own values.
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Old 1st March 2019, 6:07 PM   #9
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Not dealing with mom's values here, dealing with OP's. What you suggested was for OP to do, not for OP's mom to do; meaning potentially distorting OP's values going forward. That was my point.
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Old 1st March 2019, 6:17 PM   #10
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I feel for you my mom was bad she was very similar to yours in the sense once I broke my ankle and as I was leaving the hospital I asked her if she had ever been proud of me she just replied with no its hard what I did I went to college as the others say move out call social welfare
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Old 2nd March 2019, 12:27 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by alex93 View Post
I'm Alex and just turned 26.
Alex, I'm a little confused. If you've been working for two years, what do you do with your money? Do you pay rent to your parents?

Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
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