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In-laws disowned us and refuse to see newborn

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Old 18th February 2019, 7:13 PM   #1
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Unhappy In-laws disowned us and refuse to see newborn

I’m one week postpartum and in tears because my in laws have disowned my husband and his family (me, 3yo daughter, and 1 week newborn daughter). They said they would see the 3 yo but not the newborn. They said they don’t want to fall in love with the newborn so they refuse to see her.

I’m distraught because they are the only family we have in the area and I feel so sad for my husband who will not have a relationship w his parents and for my two small kids who have grandparents that won’t see them.

The background is MIL has always been controlling and hard to please. I typically let it slide but once I had 3yo she disrespects our parenting decisions and treats me like i am beneath her. An example is 3yo will throw her toy and we sternly tell her it’s inappropriate, MIL will chime in and say we are too harsh and treat 3yo unfairly. When Dd was a baby, Ml would grab baby from me when she was crying.

Most of the stuff I ignore but I have asked DH to speak to his mom on occasion, like the baby snatching.

A few months ago we had an argument. 3yo was fussy so I said let’s check her temperature and MIL (mother-in-law) grabbed her and said no come to grandma. Then DH (dear husband) and I took her back and sure enough she had a fever so I’m prepping to give her medicine when MIL (mother-in-law) grabs her AGAIN and said a NO stay w grandma. When DH confronted her later she said she just wanted to calm DD down first. Later on 3yo dress up and I say “aw you’re mommy’s princess” MIL chimes in with “No, she’s grandmas princess” (ugh eyeroll). I had enough so I asked DH (dear husband) to speak w mil.

DH (dear husband) asked Mil to 1. respect our parenting, and gave specific examples and 2. Do not snatch the upcoming new baby from my arms. Mil said she’ll try, but she’s the grandma and loves DD (dear daughter) so much she does t see anything she does is wrong. DH (dear husband)suggest a cooling off period.

Fast forward a few months and I give birth to DD (dear daughter) who is 1 week old now. We FaceTime them and sent photos of Newborn. MIL (mother-in-law) didn’t come to FaceTime and they never responded to the photos or announcement.

Yesterday Mil emails me and DH (dear husband) stating she never understood what she did wrong but that she just loved DD (dear daughter) very much but never thought of herself as a babysitter. She doesn’t want to see our newborn bc she doesn’t want to fall in love with him and be treated as “just a babysitter”.

FYI (for your information) - they used to babysit DD (dear daughter) once a month while DH (dear husband) and I ran errands. This was THEIR request so they can spend time with DD.

DH (dear husband) goes to see them in person and mil (mother-in-law) has a ****ing list of all the slights I did to her. For instance I used to make gift baskets and be more attentive and now when I go over there I’m not helpful. I always offer to help w dishes but she shoos me away. I don’t make gift baskets anymore bc now I have a kid am busy, but I do send them gifts for special occasions and holidays.
Another slight was I did not wear the traditional culture dress she bought for me to DD 1yo birthday. Mind you, we had a whole bday celebration in MIL culture which costed $1.5k! She NEVER told me she wanted me to wear the damn dress. When DH (dear husband) told her I’m not from the same culture and it’s unfair to expect me to do and know these things, she responded it was his duty to tell me. DH said he doesn’t know either! He’s born and raised here and is very Americanized.

MIL proceeds to belittle my husband and say he’s a terrible son, comparing him to her friends son who calls and takes her out often. She resent that he didn’t care when she had a fall (recently). DH texted every week but she never responded and fil didn’t give any information. DH has always helped them when needed (handyman work, computer work), but he is busy, works a demanding job, has a wife and kids and we don’t live nearby.

So, those are a few examples of why she cut us off and disowned my husband. They still want to see 2yo but not newborn. How is that fair? DH (dear husband) told them the kids are a package deal and if they don’t want to see newborn they’re not seeing 2yo either. DH is heartbroken bc he feels his mom is discarding our new child, she can’t put her hate and pride aside for her grandchildren.

I’m sad bc I want my kids to have grandparents who love them, and I want my husband to have a relationship with his parents. And I feel responsible bc I asked DH to talk to his mom about her behavior- and the response was to disown us all.

I guess I want to know what should I do? DH said we didn’t make the decision, they did, and even if they change their minds, he’s not welcoming them back.

Bringing a new child into this world is suppose to be s joyous occasion and we want to share it with family, but the only family local to us are the in laws who don’t even want to see the baby. I am an emotional wreck with the hormones and exhaustion, and now dealing with this.

Last edited by Lollypoppy; 18th February 2019 at 7:16 PM..
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Old 18th February 2019, 7:37 PM   #2
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Sorry to hear you are in this horrible situation.

If the inlaws dislike you that much, it's a matter of you and your husband sticking together for your two kids - now it's time to make that bond stronger than ever.

What about your own parents Lollypoppy? Are they helping with the new baby?

And can you share what culture you are from? This will help us give better advice.
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Old 18th February 2019, 8:01 PM   #3
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Your MIL, it's her way or the highway. She'd rather sull up and not see her kids than respect that it's your child and respect your ways. I wouldn't put up with her crap either. Every time she snatches that child, she's basically saying, You are not a good mother; I am better than you, and totally disrespecting you and your husband.

Good for him for standing up to her. She's acting like a baby herself. A spoiled one.
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
"The greatness of a nation & its moral progress can be judged by the way in its animals are treated." -Gandhi
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Old 18th February 2019, 8:47 PM   #4
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I think if you want to have the inlaws in your life then you are going to have to accept her email "peace offering" and try to mend things for everyone's sake.

You hurt her, she hurt you. You and your family need her in your life and
she needs you and your family in her life too.

Time to smoke the peace pipe.
Life is far too short.
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Old 18th February 2019, 9:16 PM   #5
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Totally disagree with the person's advice above. This woman is selfish, manipulative, and unreasonable. I wouldn't cater to these demands nor create a complex between your children that one is favored more than the other by the grandparents.

I am really happy your husband has your back and that you guys can present a united front. Many find themselves with husbands who throw them under the bus when push comes to shove with old family dynamics.

I think it's best to focus on your immediate core family and to let this woman sit in her decision. Manipulations won't be catered to... if she wants to come back around, I think she needs to take some responsibility, apologize, and act like a decent human being. Do you really need her around to control your parenting and your marriage? If you acquiesce to her, this is the message you'll be sending when you're not in the wrong, imo.
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Old 19th February 2019, 1:01 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by Lollypoppy View Post
DH said we didnít make the decision, they did, and even if they change their minds, heís not welcoming them back.
Agree with every thing your husband says - except the last part.

My younger brother's wife had a fairly spectacular falling out with my Mom, painful to see because he felt very much caught in the middle between the two of them. Lots of things were said, vows were made ("never again..."), veiled insults were tossed.

Eventually cooler heads prevailed, driven largely by Mom's desire to see her grandkids. I'd guess the same thing will happen in your case, given enough time. You can stand up for what you believe and still keep the door open, just avoid words like "never" and "always".

I hope things work out...

Mr. Lucky
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

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Old 19th February 2019, 2:29 AM   #7
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It is good that your husband stood up to his mother. She sounds like she can be a nightmare. My mother in law lived with us for 3-4 years. She interferred with our marriage and our parenting. I was always very open with her about my feelings and I think you should be too, especially since it sounds like these are the only grandparents near your children (and studies have shown that children do better with access to their grandparents.)

What I found with my MIL was that she would back down if I stood up to her toe to toe. I was always loving and respectful. I would tell her "I know you did things differently in your time and they worked for you. I need the freedom to do things my way and I need you to respect that."

While it is very important for your husband to support you and defend you against his mother, I think your voice will go a long way toward building her confidence in you and building your relationship with her.

Mend those fences while standing your ground.
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Old 19th February 2019, 2:56 PM   #8
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I'm not saying cut all ties, but honestly, I wouldn't want her having frequent influence on my kids because of the way she is. She'll teach them to disrespect you. I certainly wouldn't lean on her for childcare -- ever. I'd get that elsewhere, because that's where some of her entitlement is coming from. I wouldn't leave the kids with her unless you or your husband are there. I just think the more involved she is with them, the more she'll try to take them over. What if at some point she decides to call CPS or something to take them over completely because she thinks she does a better job? No.

I know some people (mainly grandmas) are of the opinion a child cannot survive without their grandparent, but my generation, grandparents didn't take care of grandkids that much. I never once stayed with either of my grandmothers unattended by my mom or dad. They never ever tried to interfere or anything when we visited. They were well glad to be done with having kids to care for. One of them had 13! She did not give a crap about any kid unless the kid was predisposed to do housework for her or be helpful some way. ack then, other people were allowed to tell you what to do if you're in their house, so she might say, "That's my chair" or "We're watching Lawrence Welk," but that was the extent of it.

It was nice being around them sometimes, but mostly just because you were seeing a past way of life, like the one with 13 kids was out in the middle of nowhere on a working farm with horses pulling the plow. That was an adventure. The other was Native American/French and I liked to see what she had in her house and kind of liked her, even though some people thought she was mean and griped about her. I wasn't around her enough to see that side -- and that's kind of my point. That's a GOOD thing. You see your heritage a little in them, but you don't have to experience the full experience your parents went through and are still going through with them. It's always nice to be out of town from in-laws.
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Old 15th March 2019, 10:22 PM   #9
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Your MIL sounds like a selfish,controlling person who never learned how to behave. In mitigation, she probably had a different kind of upbringing. Older people's families often did not have the benefits of good parenting advice from experts or the internet to learn from so tended to grow up with the particular quirks of their own families.

I can understand that you and your husband feel very hurt. I think in this case, you need to treat your MIL like the controlling child she is and just leave them to it. Leave the door open but do not make overtures. Let them realise what they are missing and approach you in a conciliatory fashion.

Time does repair a lot of damage (or at least make it fade). I feel if you wait this out, they will come round. If they don't, well it shows a lot about what kind of people they are. I agree with your husband that their behaviour is not acceptable and that it is not up to you and your husband to try to make things up with them. Leave things be for a while.

It is worth bearing in mind that you have only just given birth (I am sure you have not forgotten this!). You may well be suffering hormonal changes and depression as a result. Everything might feel too much at the moment. If this doesn't improve, then please talk to a doctor, but for the moment, I would just focus on you, your lovely new baby and your daughter and husband. Take care of each other and leave the in-laws to mull over their choices.
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Old 16th March 2019, 1:15 AM   #10
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Look, your MIL shutting you out is a one-way street. Her decision, so let her live with the consequences. You can have boundaries, not yield on them, not chase your MIL, and still have an open door should she choose to return AND respect you.

The only loser in your MIL's game is herself. You still have all the power to raise your kids to be respectful of other peoples boundaries, and to have their own respected as well. For a controlling MIL - having no control - is a self inflicted punishment.

Let her stew in her own juices for a while, and when she does return (and control freaks always do) make it very clear to her what you will and won't tolerate. When she steps out of bounds you need to be firm and let her know you will disengage with her if she doesn't adhere to your boundaries for YOUR family.

It's not enough to simply have extended family. You need emotionally healthy and supportive family. Don't let toxic people into your life, even if they are family. Set appropriate boundaries with respect to their behavior, and then enforce them.

Last edited by Turning point; 16th March 2019 at 1:19 AM..
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Old 20th March 2019, 11:26 AM   #11
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Well thanks everyone for taking the time to reply and give your advice.
Husband and I went to a Christian counseling session where the counselor echoed a lot of your same thoughts. She said I didnít do anything wrong, for my husband to not resent me, and said MIL cutting us off is an attempt at control. She urged us to maintain boundaries if MIL wants to reconnect. I sent her an email pretty much stating I hope her health improves (she had a fall), and that our door is open.
So far no contact from them and I am not holding my breath. The email was more for my husband, since I do want him to eventually have a relationship with his parents but thatís out of our control at this point, and no contact is better than toxic relationship. Iím actually enjoying this time with my newborn free of MIL control and baby snatching. There are moments of sadness like when we celebrated my babyís 1 month with my relatives who flew in, and nobody present from husbands side, I felt sad for my husband. But we are moving on with our little family and even my toddler is not mentioning them as much. She used to tell me she misses papa and grandma, but that has lessened.
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Old 20th March 2019, 11:49 AM   #12
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Truth is, it's her loss and her damage to mitigate. I'd continue to keep the door open with things like cards or notes on birthdays, Christmas, etc. Remember, rather than scorched earth, you're looking for win/win...

Mr. Lucky
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