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My sister wants to invite me ex-wife to her wedding


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Old 11th February 2019, 3:52 AM   #1
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My sister wants to invite my ex-wife to her wedding

My sister announced to the world via social media that she's getting married in November last year. She wanted to wait until the new year and holiday season was over before concentrating on the wedding.

So anyway, I was talking to her on Messenger last night (she lives in California) and she said that my ex is invited. I asked her if she's going to send her an invite, to which she replied: "No, the invite will be sent to you, and it will be open, so that way you can bring your new (not so new now) partner and her son, plus your kids as well."

I told my sister that I wasn't comfortable with her coming as we're in the midst of a divorce and there's a bit that's been going on behind the scenes. She just said, "Oh okay. We'll talk about it again more before I send the invites out."

I don't want to be petty, but really, I'd just prefer to go with my kids. I want my girlfriend to come with me as well, but it would be super awkward if both came as they've not met yet and, well... yeah, it'd just be awkward.

I spoke with my mom this evening (not my sister's mom) and she said that while she totally gets (and wouldn't want my ex there either), it's not really my call to pressure my sister into not inviting her if she wants to (my ex still seems to have a relationship with my family in Cali via Facebook since we separated).

I'm not really sure what to think right now.

Last edited by Trail Blazer; 11th February 2019 at 4:20 AM.. Reason: Typo in thread title
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Old 11th February 2019, 5:27 AM   #2
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Unless she and your sister have been best friends for decades, your sister should defer to your judgement on the matter. I get that it's her wedding and all of that, but she's not considering the complexity of the situation, taking her guest's feelings into account, or realizing the potential for unnecessary drama. What is your ex to her anyway––some kind of queen bee?
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Old 11th February 2019, 10:05 AM   #3
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You have to make it clear that your sister has to stay out of your marriage & divorce. I'd actually go so far as to skip the wedding if she insists that your EX is there.

Since your sister has no boundaries, go around her to her mom & her FI. Get them to get her off this dumb idea.
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Old 11th February 2019, 10:16 AM   #4
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At this stage my sister isn't insistent on inviting her. Clearly it was her intention to, and I was a little taken aback by her surprise that I may have actually not wanted my ex to be invited. While she accepted my position, she didn't exactly knock the idea on the head either. I'll feel a little uneasy until she tells me, "your ex is NOT invited."
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Old 11th February 2019, 10:24 AM   #5
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I know someone like this.
She over the years, bonded with the ex wife and the kids but she has no real time for her brother and his new life...
Sister and brother very different.
Sister and ex wife very similar.
Like you, brother moved swiftly on to another woman, she didn't like that one bit...

It is a difficult one. It is her wedding, she gets to decide who attends.
Try not to be too awkward and cause a fight. Do not just assume your gf will be accepted with open arms.. she is "new" - less than a year, your sister and your ex have history.
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Old 11th February 2019, 12:10 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
I know someone like this.
She over the years, bonded with the ex wife and the kids but she has no real time for her brother and his new life...
Sister and brother very different.
Sister and ex wife very similar.
Like you, brother moved swiftly on to another woman, she didn't like that one bit...

It is a difficult one. It is her wedding, she gets to decide who attends.
Try not to be too awkward and cause a fight. Do not just assume your gf will be accepted with open arms.. she is "new" - less than a year, your sister and your ex have history.
I never had much of a relationship with any of my siblings in California. Sure, I'd spend part of summer break in Cali every year, but when you grow up in different states it just happens like that.

My ex was always a social butterfly. She talks to anyone and everyone. They've all been friends (my family and ex) on social media for over 10 years now. I guess that doesn't just evaporate in the 14 months we've been separated.

For what it's worth, my family are very welcoming people and they have been looking forward to meeting my gf for some time. My gf isn't comfortable going if my ex is going. That's not a reason I've told my sister, though. There's many factors besides just that for why I don't want her there.
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Old 11th February 2019, 12:25 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trail Blazer View Post
I never had much of a relationship with any of my siblings in California.
^^^ this is the problem, you may be blood but you are not close family.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Trail Blazer View Post
They've all been friends (my family and ex) on social media for over 10 years now.
Compared to this ^^^, there is no competition.
You may have to do the decent thing and back down here and accept your ex's right to be at the wedding of her good friend.

Last edited by elaine567; 11th February 2019 at 12:25 PM.. Reason: fixed quote
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Old 11th February 2019, 12:37 PM   #8
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I want to take my kids to MY sister's wedding. I don't want my ex taking control of all that, swanning in with the kids in tow and me not having much control over the time we spend while in California.

I know it sounds petty, but we are not really on good terms at the moment and she'll rub it in my face trying to compete with me and outdo me. Since informing her of my relationship with another woman, she seemingly has an axe to grind, but is doing so in her typical passive-aggressive fashion.
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Old 11th February 2019, 12:53 PM   #9
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I want to take my kids to MY sister's wedding. I don't want my ex taking control of all that, swanning in with the kids in tow and me not having much control over the time we spend while in California.
At the risk of being blunt, your problem, not your sisters. Since you mention "kids" going to guess you were married for a while and your sis developed a relationship with the mother of your children.

This is the bride's day, don't make it about you. If you want to limit the interaction with your STBX, fly in the night before the ceremony and leave after the reception for some other warm California destination for time with GF and kids. It's a big state, should be room for all of you...

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Old 11th February 2019, 1:00 PM   #10
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If she's giving the invite to YOU (as in, she's not inviting your ex personally), I think what she means is that you CAN invite the ex if you want to, but you don't HAVE to.


If she invites your ex personally, I think you shouldn't cause drama (it is her wedding after all), but you don't have to have any part in it.
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Old 11th February 2019, 3:21 PM   #11
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I’m invited to a lot of things from my ex’s family but I all the dust has settled from the divorce so it’s a different thing. I think your sister is being inconsiderate toward you.
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Old 11th February 2019, 3:30 PM   #12
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Jeez it’s your sisters Big Day. Stop making it all about you.
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Old 11th February 2019, 6:11 PM   #13
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I think you’re letting your anxiety get the best of you. Your sister isn’t insisting that your ex come to the wedding. The way you describe it, she presented it as a possibility only. She’s sending the open invitation to you. She said you would discuss it again when she sends out the invitations. Just be honest with her about why you don’t want your ex to be there. You don’t want her there, in part, because she may cause drama at the wedding. I have a feeling this will work itself out in a way that makes you happy.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 13th February 2019 at 8:39 PM..
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Old 13th February 2019, 6:51 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Trail Blazer View Post
I want to take my kids to MY sister's wedding. I don't want my ex taking control of all that, swanning in with the kids in tow and me not having much control over the time we spend while in California.

I know it sounds petty, but we are not really on good terms at the moment and she'll rub it in my face trying to compete with me and outdo me. Since informing her of my relationship with another woman, she seemingly has an axe to grind, but is doing so in her typical passive-aggressive fashion.
I think you have valid reasons for not wanting the ex there. If your sister is giving you the option to nix ex's invite, then do so, and respectfully explain the reasons to your sister. If that's all there is to it then it's not really a problem, right?

The notion about it being the bride's big day and therefore nothing else matters is laughable. Too many Disney movies.
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Old 13th February 2019, 7:23 AM   #15
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I think you have valid reasons for not wanting the ex there. If your sister is giving you the option to nix ex's invite, then do so, and respectfully explain the reasons to your sister. If that's all there is to it then it's not really a problem, right?

The notion about it being the bride's big day and therefore nothing else matters is laughable. Too many Disney movies.

In real life, IME, it's pretty common for friends and family to make concessions for the wedding couple (not just the bride). I've been to plenty of weddings where I didn't like someone or something that was there, but didn't make a fuss out of it.



Obviously that's not carte blanche for the couple to do really horrendous crap and expect guests to put up with it, but it's not exactly uncommon to bump into your ex at social events, and weddings aren't really an exception. It's not the couple's job to make sure that all of their guests are BFFs - if you don't like someone at the wedding, just don't talk to them and socialize with others.



In the OP's case, the sister even seems to be giving him the option of not having his ex there, so I'm not sure what all the hate on her is about.
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