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i'm a college student and my mom is still controlling


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Old 2nd February 2019, 5:20 PM   #1
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i'm a college student and my mom is still controlling

So I'm a college student and I've been trying to be more independent but my mom makes this nearly impossible. She is able to see my phone's location so she nags me about everywhere I go. One thing that has been especially frustrating is she doesn't want me to walk alone at night. But she doesn't just stop at expressing her concern. She has been threatening to cancel my credit card or pull me out of school if I walk at night. I have night classes. It gets dark really early. She essentially doesn't want me leaving my dorm after 4:30 every day, and if I do, she raises hell.

This is exhausting. It's been hard for me to go to club activities and make friends because god forbid I go outside after dark. She also will get mad and hang up on me when I try to explain that I'm an adult and I can take care of myself pretty well. Also, she lives 300+ miles away from me and the thought of her still trying to control me from so far away is aggravating.

I know she's concerned but I'm not naive. I don't walk around town at night on my phone with my earbuds in. I stay alert. I carry mace. I walk quickly and with a destination in mind. Also, I don't really drink or anything so being under the influence isn't an issue for me. I feel like, as an adult, I should be able to make these decisions for myself. Part of being at college is learning how to take care of oneself, and I have no idea if I'll be able to do that with my mom's helicopter parenting.

I could really use some advice or suggestions. This doesn't feel like how I should be spending my college years
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Old 2nd February 2019, 6:05 PM   #2
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Get a part-time job. Buy your own cell phone. Leave the other cell phone in your dorm room after 4:30pm.
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Old 2nd February 2019, 6:20 PM   #3
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Unfortunately, you're still far too dependant on your mother. Get a job and use a debit card to access your own money. Buy your own cellphone. That way she can't track you and has no leverage regarding the credit card.

Where's your dad in this equation?
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Old 2nd February 2019, 6:23 PM   #4
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Nobody should walk alone at night in certain places. I hope where youíre at has a zero crime rate and if not Iíd have to agree with your mother. College kids are often targeted for crime by locals in some areas.

She should relax about keeping tabs on you though. Sharing your location should be enough. I only get that from my daughter when sheís meeting up with friends in a major city but if sheís heading up there in a group I usually get nothing.

She shouldnít have agreed for you to go 300 miles away for school if she didnít think you could handle it. Did you ever ask her why she allowed you to go away if she has no faith in you?
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Old 2nd February 2019, 6:54 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by paisleypanther View Post
S She is able to see my phone's location so she nags me about everywhere I go.
Isn't that a feature you can turn off?

Quote:
Originally Posted by paisleypanther View Post
One thing that has been especially frustrating is she doesn't want me to walk alone at night.
How does she know who you are - or aren't - walking with?

Look, I'm not suggesting you lie to her. But I'd simply tell her "Mom, i'm vigilant and aware of safety, including walking with others when I can". And then just refuse to engage her on the subject.

As others have suggested, you might find disconnecting financially, even partially, to be liberating...

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Old 3rd February 2019, 3:02 AM   #6
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Your mom is obviously overly-protective and itís completely inappropriate. But as long as youíre dependent on her in any way, sheíll continue to hang that over your head. You have to create your own independence by breaking free of her financial support. If you canít do that, then youíre either going to have to deal with her obsessive behavior or start deceiving her.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 9:23 AM   #7
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Talk to your mom. Assure her that she raised you right & gave you the tools to make good decisions. Remind her though that sometimes bad decisions are the best teachers. Then explain that she has to trust you to be the person she taught you to be. Also give her a copy of your schedule so she sees you have night classes & that you have to go out in the evening.

Is your father or another trusted adult around who can convince her to turn off the tracking device on your phone?
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Old 3rd February 2019, 9:54 AM   #8
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I had an overprotective mother as well. I didn't really gain independence until I was paying my own bills.

Try some of the suggestions from the other posters, but in reality realize that as long as she's paying your way you aren't going to have real independence.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 10:42 AM   #9
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'Finding my way' nails it here;


Quote:
I had an overprotective mother as well. I didn't really gain independence until I was paying my own bills.

....in reality realize that as long as she's paying your way you aren't going to have real independence.
I also had an overprotective mother.


So get a p/t job, get a shared place with other students, support yourself, and show her that you can be trusted.


Good luck. x
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Old 3rd February 2019, 2:53 PM   #10
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if you have access to counselors/therapists, suggest a family session or two next time she visits. she's doing you no favors by inhibiting your ability to make adults choices and decisions.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 5:46 PM   #11
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How you doing, man? I remember you posting in my thread about parents that spoil you yet are really harsh and now I can see where you are coming from


My mom can tend to worry about me a bit too much but she never went THAT far. Sorry, but her stalking you on your cell phone is inappropriate. I don't care if she's your mother or in financial control. You are still your own individual and you shouldn't have to deal with someone always constantly watching you, even if she is just looking out for you. You're an adult, right? You can look out for yourself just fine, if you ask me.



If I were you, it may be hard, but I would just put my foot down and not reply to her texts after a while. She'll get mad and may threaten to cancel your credit cards or whatever, but is she really going to do that? That just doesn't sound smart or ethical to me. That would just make your overall situation even worse...to me she just seems to want to always be in control and I'm sorry, parent or not, that is not okay. IMHO, it's okay if she checks in on you every now and then, but tracking you down on your phone constantly? Yeah, that would not be okay with me at all. Like you said yourself, you are an adult and part of being in college is learning how to be more independent, and she is not helping you out with that at all.


Honestly if I were you, I would slowly grow yourself apart from her. Not completely cut her off or anything, but just not always be in contact with her whenever she wants. I hate to tell you this, man, but if you keep letting her treat you this way, it's not going to stop. Sometimes it's important to know when to put your foot down even when parents are involved. Parents (and humans in general) tend to be very irrational, *especially* when it comes to their own children.



Sorry you gotta deal with this. As I'm sure you already know, I know what it's like to have really harsh parents who want nothing but the best out of you in the end. These types of situations are really hard to find hard set black and white answers to. It's going to be a struggle figuring out what to do no matter what. Have you talked to your dad about this at all? What does he gotta say about it?



I wish you the best. I know what it's like to have harsh parents while in college so if you ever need to talk or vent or whatever, you can always hit up my Inbox. Good luck.
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Old 4th February 2019, 5:35 AM   #12
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i think there is an app available to college students, they can tell when you need help. my niece and nephew used it. you punch in where and when and if you don't arrive texts are sent out to your dorm mates, your family and the police.

also, while you're walking talk to her on the cell until you get where your going.

good luck.

as the mother of a million orphans i can say, it will get easier.

im super protective of the girls, however, the practice of talking to your mom while you're walking, up and back, along with the app will tell your mom when she needs to call the police to help you and where you last location was, so they know where start looking for you.

kuddos on learning not to have your ear buds in and not to be staggering drunk down the street.

you are prey. it's that simple. and predators are looking for women that are easier to grab. i walk with my keys between my finger so at least i scratch them and i also turn around and check behind me every 1o paces.

there are many more safety tips to learn. and let your mother know you are staying aware, to the point where a predator will move on to an easier target.

we were taught to sit down if we are attacked from the front because women have more strength in their legs than there upper body. also you can scream while the person is trying to drag you.

and getting dragged into privacy is exactly what you do not want to happen. once they get you alone in private, they've got all day to hurt you.

they same way you never open your door if you are being followed. they push you in your own room and lock the door behind them. they have all the privacy and time they want.

keep doing what you are doing. keep talking to your mom.

google the app and more safety tips.

not going out after dark is not an option. even if you did not go out after dark until you graduate, some day you are going to be alone after dark.

staying safe is all your mother is asking because, trust me, she can not bear to lose you.

xo
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Old 5th February 2019, 4:54 PM   #13
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Oh, thank the Lord they didn't have trackers when I was a teen or in college.

Well, take a weekend waitressing shift within walking distance to school and don't tell her, and save up and buy your own phone and phone plan. You can still use hers for a lot of things, but can switch over when you want a life. Obviously, don't CARRY your phone when you're walking at night, as an alternative. But get a second phone. She has theoretical control over you as long as she's paying for college, but at 66, I can say with no regrets that I was all about finding ways to get around all that, and it usually involved taking a small job without letting them know.


One thing I did when I lived on campus, is I just was on call to work concessions at the games. Gave me a little pocket money, very little. My friend did the waitressing, just on Saturdays.
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Old 6th February 2019, 8:17 AM   #14
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Also OP, there are plenty of jobs on campus at a college or university. I cooked part time in one of the concessions, my daughter worked as a lifeguard at the pool, etc.

Earn some cash, keep Mom happy at the same time...

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Old 9th February 2019, 1:26 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by paisleypanther View Post
She has been threatening to cancel my credit card or pull me out of school if I walk at night.
Even though the OP hasn't been back to her own thread, I still got a good chuckle from it. I love when youngins stamp their feet and insist they're all grown up now and their parents have no right to try to control them - while their college tuition and books are being paid for by mommy, their phone is being paid for by mommy, and they have a credit card from mommy in their wallet.

I think the OP's mother is way too controlling too, but as long as she's paying the bills, them's are the rules. If the OP doesn't like it, then she can be a 'grown up' and start working to earn her own money.
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