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How should I handle the fact that she thinks this way?


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Old 21st January 2019, 4:41 PM   #1
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How should I handle the fact that she thinks this way?

So my boyfriend of a year left yesterday to a city that is 4 hours away from where we live, for 2 weeks for his engineer job, I even got emotional and cried, cause we have always been together, not even a week apart, this job he has, is new, he started in 2018, and last year he did not travel at all, so I guess that this year he will travel a little more, I don’t know.


How can I cope with this, I been living with him since December, before I lived with my grandparents, which are abroad and left me their apartment in charge, I was in our house until yesterday, and yesterday he brought me back to my grandparents apartment, I feel safer here, I’m a little scared of being alone in a house, for some reason I don’t feel safe.


So my aunt was talking with me yesterday and was asking me if he was going to call me while he was away, because that is what every normal couple does, if the man is away he should call his woman and check up on her and she told me: I will be honest with you, if he does not call you then he is not interested in you at all, it would be abnormal if he did not call you.


My boyfriend has been excellent with me, and she even knows he is a great man, so I don’t know why she said it like this.some other people would say, every couple is different and they will do what works better for them, but my aunt insists that every couple calls each other everyday.
I know that she will be asking me:’’ OH DID SO AND SO CALLED YOU’’? I know her, and I don’t know whether to tell her the truth or just tell her all the time that he in fact is calling me everyday.

To be honest, I found this comment she made very abrupt for some reason, she is to some extent right, but I don’t think he has to call me every single day.He is working hard on this project, it’s not like he went to have fun or something.By the way I am not trying to excuse him, I am just saying the truth, he went for his work. All of this is making me very anxious and sad now.

what do you guys think about all of this?
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Old 21st January 2019, 4:44 PM   #2
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Breathe.

Make plans, go out with friends, enjoy having the bed to yourself, watch the tv shows you don't get to watch all the time.

He will be back before you know it.
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Old 21st January 2019, 4:44 PM   #3
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Don't let it get to you and carry on.
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Old 21st January 2019, 4:46 PM   #4
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Whatever works between you and your boyfriend is just fine - you don't need to follow anyone else's rules or preferences.

Tell your Aunt nicely but firmly that you don't want to hear those things from her anymore. Tell her you appreciate her concern but her chatter is stressing you out.
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Old 21st January 2019, 5:20 PM   #5
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I think your aunt loves you but she's a bit behind the times. If you & your BF are OK with whatever amount of contact you have while he's away & the manner in which it happens -- voice, text, Skype, etc. -- just ignore your aunt.

It's 2 weeks not 2 months, not 2 years. Simmer down. Keep yourself busy & do interesting things so you have stories to share when he gets back. A SO can't be your only interest in life.
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Old 21st January 2019, 5:28 PM   #6
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I have been married 25 years. Every year I go on a hunting trip for 3-4 weeks. You will survive and it will all be good.
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Old 21st January 2019, 5:37 PM   #7
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Exactly, people do what works for them, if we have trust, that is al that matters, I don't think that he has to call me everyday or me having to call him everyday, I don't want to smother him.


Now I do have a problem, that sometimes I do want to know about him, what is he up to, hear his voice, and I want to call, but I am afraid to call and think that I am bothering him, this is a problem I've had since forever, and I myself don't understand why, it's like I am scared to call and that he wont pick up, or something like this. It's frustrating to me and I just freeze.


all of this gives me tons of anxiety, it's very uncomfortable. if my aunt asks if he is calling me I will just say yes he is, and I just get it over with. she lives in the floor below me (1st floor Apt) so we communicate, and the funny thing is that she knows he is a good man, she was even telling me yesterday. He has been an excellent boyfriend with me.


I really don't know what triggers her to think so bluntly and abrupt. I know she is a cold thinker, but still.
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Old 21st January 2019, 6:08 PM   #8
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I think two things:

*that these kind of rigid dating "rules" aren't correct and if you expect them or adhere to them, you will mess up a good thing or focus on the wrong thing or possibly the wrong person (who does dating faux rules "right" but is wrong for you). In other words, they are very arbitrary and people are different from each other and thus will do things different from each other.

*from the way you described everything going on in your relationship, i think you need to cultivate a way to learn to be and enjoy being independent. There is, and always will be, some part of life that is ONLY about you and you would be smart to invest in that in a healthy way. Good luck & two weeks will go by fast. If he has this job and you end up creating a future together, sounds like he is a stable guy career-wise and you should probably support him making his life better and growing in his career--that, in the end, is a good thing for both of you.
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Old 21st January 2019, 7:16 PM   #9
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You have been dating this man for a year & you are afraid to call him? Don't be scared that he won't pick up. Maybe he can't. People are allowed to ignore a ringing phone in favor of what they are doing at the moment. As long as he calls you back, it's all good. But if you fear rejection after all the time, you are not very secure in your relationship. You need to figure out where that anxiety comes from.
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Old 21st January 2019, 8:03 PM   #10
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Umm... does your aunt have a boyfriend?

You are worried about what to tell her, in the future you'd better not talk about your reationship too much.
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Old 22nd January 2019, 11:56 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theashley85 View Post
Now I do have a problem, that sometimes I do want to know about him, what is he up to, hear his voice, and I want to call, but I am afraid to call and think that I am bothering him, this is a problem I've had since forever, and I myself don't understand why, it's like I am scared to call and that he wont pick up, or something like this. It's frustrating to me and I just freeze.
My wife and I were apart for a year, she went to Asia to help a friend open an International school there. It's hard to know what someone far away in a different time zone might be doing, so I'd just text her that I was missing her and for her to call me when she got a chance. No bother that way, they can call you on their schedule.

Give it a couple years, you'll be pushing him out the door for these short trips ...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 27th January 2019, 4:45 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by theashley85 View Post
I even got emotional and cried
It seems a bit too much... he's not in the Navy, going to Iraq or something. He's 4 hours away, I assume by car. You got attached to him in some unhealthy way.



Quote:
Originally Posted by theashley85 View Post
we have always been together, not even a week apart
So being apart for a bit can only be a good thing. If your relationship is solid, everything will be fine.


Quote:
Originally Posted by theashley85 View Post
How can I cope with this, I been living with him since December
First of all, don't stop seeing your friends. Go out, keep yourself busy. You don't want to be so dependent on him, do you?


Quote:
Originally Posted by theashley85 View Post
my aunt was talking with me yesterday and was asking me if he was going to call me while he was away, because that is what every normal couple does, if the man is away he should call his woman and check up on her and she told me: I will be honest with you, if he does not call you then he is not interested in you at all, it would be abnormal if he did not call you.
So, apparently she never mentioned him calling you every day. What she said is true to me, for a husband and wife. A call might not be necessary, but just checking up and make sure that the other person is fine, so you both can go to bed or start your day with no worries. But a boyfriend might not treat you as his wife. So I think that's the point. And I wouldn't read too much into her words: she must care about you and probably feels you're a bit too compliant. You come across as quite insecure, so you first need to admit that to yourself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by theashley85 View Post
My boyfriend has been excellent with me
You don't have to convince us nor yourself about how good your boyfriend is. Do you feel your relationship is solid or just starting out? What makes you feel insecure?



Quote:
Originally Posted by theashley85 View Post
I know that she will be asking me:’’ OH DID SO AND SO CALLED YOU’’? I know her, and I don’t know whether to tell her the truth or just tell her all the time that he in fact is calling me everyday.
Ah, so you dread the fact that he might indeed not call you. And at the same time, what puzzles me, is that you don't feel at ease about asking him about, like: "hey, what's the deal while you're away? are we going to keep in touch every day?". So I would question your level of comfort in the relationship, after a year. As I said, I would ask him via messenger if anything. Then if your aunt asks, you'll answer accordingly, like: "We're going to keep in touch every day, but because of our schedules, it won't always be over the phone, we'll use other means too, like messages, voice messages and emails. Don't worry, everything will be fine. He's such a caring man."
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Old 27th January 2019, 4:50 PM   #13
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Tell your aunt that she's jumping to conclusions and that you wouldn't expect him to call all the time as he is busy. Then if she keeps it up, tell her, Let me worry about that.
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Old 28th January 2019, 2:30 PM   #14
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Sounds like your aunt doesn't like him and she expects him to fail you.
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Old 31st January 2019, 2:51 AM   #15
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I so know how you feel. I don't know your aunt, so I won't make any character or personality judgments. Maybe she's just being protective. I would say in a very affectionate and positive manner, "I've been with this man for a year. I'm a grown woman. I know him, and I know what I"m doing." Down South, we say, "You are so sweet to worry but it's really nothing you should concern yourself with. You just leave that to me." That's Belle speak for "Mind your own business."
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