Im not the favorite

[Mrschaney]

I have one younger sister who was my mother’s favorite as we were growing up. She never said it, but it was obvious by the way she acted. Even as a small child I could see it. My father didnt play favorites and gave me lots of love and attention. I assumed, as I got older, that he either didnt have a favorite or I was his favorite which was helpful to me in dealing with my mothers mild emotional neglect. My sister is and always has been difficult to love. Shes mean, selfish, overly dramatic, and a smart ass, but I loved my little sister and did a lot for her- never getting anything in return. When I moved out my sister started acting worse and was eventually diagnosed with anarexia/bulimia and a mild case of borderline personality disorder. She put my parents through hell. At the same time I was on my own and got myself involved in a violent relationship that I couldnt get out of. I needed my parents help, but they turned their back on me because I wasn’t raised that way. They were also to absorbed with my sisters problems. My sister was disgusted with me and stopped any and all comunication with me. We did t speak until my mother died 4 years ago and haven’t spoken since. After several years I managed to disentangle myself from my sons father, but I never regained my parents respect. Now my mother is gone and my father is alone. I call him every Sunday, visit as often as I can, and maintain a relationship with him. My sister does not. He frets over her when she doesnt answer the phone and has apparently trained her husband and kids to not answer either. They rarely visit him. They have nothing to do with me or my son. Once when we visited my father he took us out to eat. He needed to drop something off at my sisters house(which Id never seen) and made us wait in the car in the southern summer heat for about half an hour because “you know how she is”. Thats what he said to us. Id gotten used to not having a sister and my son never knew her so he doesn’t care. Last Sunday during our weekly call he said, “well, I talked to the favorite.” and started talking about my sister. I was shocked. Now I know I was never his favorite either. Im 44 and old enough to know I shouldn’t let this bother me, but it hurts. I did nothing to derserve my sisters treatment and she certainly never did anything to deserve being the favorite. Should I bring this up to my father? Or is it to late and I should just let it go? Thanks.

Edited December 25, 2018 by Mrschaney

[Mr. Lucky]

Last Sunday during our weekly call he said, “well, I talked to the favorite.” and started talking about my sister.

 

Boy, that sounds almost sarcastic or at least somewhat snarky. Are you sure you're interpreting it correctly?

 

FOO issues can affect us our entire lives. Have you ever worked through these feelings with a therapist? At 44, time to take claim your own identity and stop seeing yourself through their eyes...

 

Mr. Lucky

[anika99]

Boy, that sounds almost sarcastic or at least somewhat snarky. Are you sure you're interpreting it correctly?

 

FOO issues can affect us our entire lives. Have you ever worked through these feelings with a therapist? At 44, time to take claim your own identity and stop seeing yourself through their eyes...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

That's what I thought too. That he was making a sarcastic joke, not that he was actually saying that the sister is his favorite.

 

I was never anyone's favorite either OP. The oldest of my two younger brothers was my moms favorite. I never got too jealous though because I loved that brother to pieces and still do till this day. The problem child was my youngest brother and he was my stepfathers favorite. My stepfather was the biological father of my brothers so of course he was going to favor his sons over me, although to his credit he was quite kind to me during the last 10 yrs of his life. Anyways, I don't think being the favorite is always a blessing. For instance my mother has always been childish and needy. Since she is so partial to my brother, he is the one she leans on the most. As adults I have actually felt sorry for him at times because she expects so much from him.

 

However it does hurt to never feel like the special one. I think it's rather common in families where there is a troubled child for parents to sometimes overlook the better behaved less needy kids. It's very sad and I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm sure your parents both loved you but they dropped the ball by giving all their energy to your difficult demanding sister. Then they really dropped the ball when you became involved with an abuser. I'm glad you found the strength to get out of that. Have you and your dad ever been able to have a heart to heart discussion regarding the past? Maybe he never lost respect for you the way you think he did. Sometimes parents can't deal with their own shame or admit their own mistakes so they cope by becoming angry at any situation that might shed light on their own shortcomings.

[Mrschaney]

Thank you both for responding. I dont think he was joking or being sarcastic. They have always been preoccupied with my sister because of her issues, but they truly favor her as well. It just angers me that I do what a daughter should, always have, but Ive always been the after thought. Maybe I should talk to a professional about this. I think my mothers neglect if me as a baby and young child might be the root of the issues that led me into that abusive relationship.

[preraph]

I was in a similar situation. Look, sometimes the child who is the most trouble gets the most attention. The child who is hateful is the one the mother is most desperate to gain the approval of, so they foolishly bend over backwards spoiling them and trying to please them for something they are never going to get from them. Dealt with it my whole life.

 

You just lavish love on your dad while you can. I did tell my mom all about it when I was old enough to understand what was going on, but it made zero difference. She would actually never blame my sister for something bad, even decades later. I was the one who took care of our horses and did those type chores, and years later at a holiday dinner with relatives she said how I neglected a horse when it was always my sister who did the bad stuff. I let her have it right then and there in front of relatives and my sister. You should let her have it too. It will make you feel better. And deep down she knows it's true. A lifetime of being blamed because she can't blame her favorite because then she'll never get her approval is no fun.

[Giraffe-A]

That was sarcasm. However, you should still talk to your father about how you feel before it’s too late to do so. I’m the favorite in a very large family and know first hand how it affected my sisters. They fought so hard to get my parent’s attention while I just entered the room and all was great. It really affected their love lives and the guilt kinda affects mine too. I feel guilty being happy. But we talked about it. It made a big difference.

[stillafool]

I think in most families there are favorites. I am the favorite in my family and am the youngest sibling. It's horrible being the favorite because the other siblings get jealous and your parents are always in your business. Also parents won't leave you alone.

[grays]

I agree that you should, for your own healing, let your dad know. I doubt that it will fix things, but getting it out and letting him know very well may help you feel better. I’m an only child, but I had other issues with my mother and telling her helped me some.

 

As a mom, your post breaks my heart. I have two boys and I love them both so hard. But I worry that my 15 year old could feel that his 9 year old brother is the favorite. I couldn’t even begin to pick a favorite, but they are such different kids and different ages that I fear it looks like I do favor my little guy. My older one is pretty introverted. He has opened up to me a couple of times lately and it makes my heart sing when he does. I have felt so guilty at times because I had his brother when he was 5 1/2 years old. My older one was the center of my universe before that, of course. But sometime not too long after little brother was born, my older one all the sudden lost his cuddliness. I always wonder if I’d had him in my lap and arms all the time past that age, like I did with my second, would he be more accepting of affection in general and a happier person for it?

 

Anyway, I hope it was something along those lines for your parents and not an outright loving her more. But even so, it’s obviously hurt you a lot and caused you some damage. I wonder if it would help you to turn away from your dad and sister. I know you don’t see her now, but maybe really give yourself permission to move on and make a life completely without them.

[amaysngrace]

You remind me of my sisters in that you just pick at her faults. My sisters do that to me too. They never see the good in me, my kindness or my generosity that has earned me the role.

 

Maybe she’s a smart ass to you because she’s tired of being judged by you? Just a thought.

[Miss Clavel]

I have one younger sister who was my mother’s favorite as we were growing up. She never said it, but it was obvious by the way she acted. Even as a small child I could see it. My father didnt play favorites and gave me lots of love and attention. I assumed, as I got older, that he either didnt have a favorite or I was his favorite which was helpful to me in dealing with my mothers mild emotional neglect. My sister is and always has been difficult to love. Shes mean, selfish, overly dramatic, and a smart ass, but I loved my little sister and did a lot for her- never getting anything in return. When I moved out my sister started acting worse and was eventually diagnosed with anarexia/bulimia and a mild case of borderline personality disorder. She put my parents through hell. At the same time I was on my own and got myself involved in a violent relationship that I couldnt get out of. I needed my parents help, but they turned their back on me because I wasn’t raised that way. They were also to absorbed with my sisters problems. My sister was disgusted with me and stopped any and all comunication with me. We did t speak until my mother died 4 years ago and haven’t spoken since. After several years I managed to disentangle myself from my sons father, but I never regained my parents respect. Now my mother is gone and my father is alone. I call him every Sunday, visit as often as I can, and maintain a relationship with him. My sister does not. He frets over her when she doesnt answer the phone and has apparently trained her husband and kids to not answer either. They rarely visit him. They have nothing to do with me or my son. Once when we visited my father he took us out to eat. He needed to drop something off at my sisters house(which Id never seen) and made us wait in the car in the southern summer heat for about half an hour because “you know how she is”. Thats what he said to us. Id gotten used to not having a sister and my son never knew her so he doesn’t care. Last Sunday during our weekly call he said, “well, I talked to the favorite.” and started talking about my sister. I was shocked. Now I know I was never his favorite either. Im 44 and old enough to know I shouldn’t let this bother me, but it hurts. I did nothing to derserve my sisters treatment and she certainly never did anything to deserve being the favorite. Should I bring this up to my father? Or is it to late and I should just let it go? Thanks.

 

trust me, he was being facetious. she's a nightmare.

 

anyway, why do you want to be their favorite, at this late stage? you're already your son's favorite.

 

good luck

[Mrschaney]

I dont care, at my age, about being the favorite. I should have used a better way to explain myself. My mother spent her time with my sister while I was entertaining myself. Theyd go on walks and leave me behind. Id be sick in bed and she would leave me there all day while she sang and played with my sister. It was all day every day. My sister is the judgemental one. She was terrible to me our entire childhood- called me stupid and fat (I was neither) and rubbed my face in her close relationship with mom. I have no memory of my mom ever picking me up or holding me or comforting me at all. My dad would come home from work and my day would brighten because I knew he loved me and he paid attention to me. As a borderline, my sister is very unpleasant and I was always her target. My mother never stopped her, but my dad would. Im not upset about not having a relationship with her because she is so unpleasant I just cant get over her cutting me out of her life and my nieces and nephews lives because I was in an abusive relationship. I cant get over my parents turning away from me when I was desperate for help. I do have issues, but I think if I bring it up my dad will just call me dramatic and then start talking about my sister. Our phone calls are dominated by him worrying about her. Shes 40 and married. He is terrified her husband will leave her and then my dad will have to take care of her again.