What can I do about this problem with my sister and her kids?

[ironpony]

Basically my sister has been having problems with her husband lately, so sometimes she asks me if she can come over to my place and have her kids play there. I say sure, cause I want to help out.

 

But I cannot be home to watch them all the time, and when I get back they get into my things, which I put up high and normally should not be able to reach them at their ages (3,4 and 5), but they do anyway.

 

I put my dvd collection up high, and when I get back the blu rays have somehow been removed from their cases, and covered in cake icing, since they were making icing cookies for Christmas. I was fine with them making cookies, but I didn't think the icing of course, was going to end up all the way from the kitchen to a room on the other side where the dvds were closed off, or so I thought.

 

Now she can't watch the other two when she takes one to the bathroom and things like that. There is only so much she can do.

 

However, I have asked the kids nicely before to not touch these things on the higher shelves or in these closed rooms, but that doesn't help at all, since they got into the blu rays and dirtied them up, even when I ask them not to.

 

I mean one three for example, and cannot talk yet as much. So I feel like I have to assert some tough love with them maybe when she is not around and talk to them extremely strictly and in their personal space, and give them an extremely stern warning.

 

I'm not parent so I'm not expert. But I'm afraid that if I warn them too much they might get too scared and tell Mom that I scared them too much, and then my sis may resent me for it or something.

 

So how do you think I should handle this?

Edited December 24, 2018 by ironpony

[bathtub-row]

What do you mean that she’s having problems with her husband? What kinds of problems?

 

It’s nice that you’re being supportive of her but you need to let her know that the kids are being destructive and she needs to make sure that doesn’t happen if he kids are going to be there. Just because she’s having marital issues doesn’t mean her kids get to be disrespecting of the property of others. It doesn’t matter how small they are, those are basic manners that she should’ve already instilled in her kids. If she and her husband are having problems, it’s possible that the kids are acting out from the stress of the situation. Still, your sister needs to get a handle on things. If she doesn’t, then tell her that the kids can’t be there for long periods of time.

[PegNosePete]

Now she can't watch the other two when she takes one to the bathroom and things like that.

You think all this happened when she was taking one to the bathroom? Unlikely.

 

You need to tell your sister what is happening and that if they can't behave and respect your things then you can't let her be in your place unattended any more.

[ironpony]

I'm not sure on the problems as she doesn't want to talk about them with me, but from what I can tell they are arguing a lot about something, and she needs to get away for piece and quiet and has to bring the kids with cause he doesn't do much to take care of them, or so I am told.

 

You think all this happened when she was taking one to the bathroom? Unlikely.

 

You need to tell your sister what is happening and that if they can't behave and respect your things then you can't let her be in your place unattended any more.

 

This is what I assume I will be told since that was the reason for why messes were made before. So I assume it will be something like this.

 

I already told my sister this and then she will tell the kids but the kids don't listen or they need to be told on every little thing, cause they do not relate how being told to leave one thing alone is related to another. But the 3 year old cannot speak well yet too, and I have a feeling perhaps he is the more misbehaving one, and I have no idea how to communicate to him if he cannot understand.

 

I want to help her out too though, but if I cut her off, then she is going to want to spend more time at my Mom's but my mom is busy enough already with other things going on, and I do not want to take some of the load off her, or she will take it all, if I cut my sis off, if that makes sense?

[basil67]

At the age the kids are, the answer is supervision. Sure, there should be an element of teaching involved, but they are too young to reliably folllow directions on their own.

[Art_Critic]

At the age the kids are, the answer is supervision. Sure, there should be an element of teaching involved, but they are too young to reliably folllow directions on their own.

 

Yeah, you just move the DVD's or blurays and anything else you don't want messed with out of their reach..

 

If it was a poison you wouldn't have it in their reach for the same reason, kids can't just understand leaving it alone..

 

A kid is all about learning new experiences and till they learn some they are just sponges for anything..

 

Certainly don't scold them, if they get into something do correct them and then just move it out of their reach.

[Mrs._December]

...their ages (3,4 and 5), but they do anyway.

No wonder her husband argues with her - it gets him some peace and quiet because he knows she'll leave the house and take all those kids with her. He's pretty smart.

 

Unfortunately that leaves you to take the damage. Not sure why your sister would choose to have this many kids in such rapid succession, but it's clear she's not doing a very good job of disciplining them. I'm surprised she seems to think it's just fine that you're suffering all this damage trying to be a good person due to her bad parenting and life choices. And believe me, no matter what she says, she thinks it's just fine because it KEEPS HAPPENING.

 

I'd be letting her know that it's just better all the way around that she only come over when you KNOW you'll be home. It's very unfair that you have to have this stuff going on in your house while her husband gets to sit home in peace and enjoy his day. I'd be putting a stop to THAT crap real quick.

[ironpony]

Yeah, you just move the DVD's or blurays and anything else you don't want messed with out of their reach..

 

If it was a poison you wouldn't have it in their reach for the same reason, kids can't just understand leaving it alone..

 

A kid is all about learning new experiences and till they learn some they are just sponges for anything..

 

Certainly don't scold them, if they get into something do correct them and then just move it out of their reach.

 

I thought I did put them out of reach, however, the shelves do not go any higher. Perhaps they found a way to climb them. But correcting them doesn't work, since they have gotten into things before, and were corrected and nothing happens. So perhaps some scolding is in order therefore?

 

Like for example, the oldest one still wets her pants sometimes but doesn't tell anyone, cause she is ashamed probably, but she wants to potty train and not be in diapers, but at the same time, she doesn't really learn though, and keeps going in her pants on the floor.

 

My parents tried to sit my sister down and told her she is not doing the best job of being able to watch all of them, but she got really defensive about it, rather than taking it constructively, or so they said she did.

Edited December 24, 2018 by ironpony

[Mr. Lucky]

My parents tried to sit my sister down and told her she is not doing the best job of being able to watch all of them, but she got really defensive about it, rather than taking it constructively, or so they said she did.

 

Let your parents spend a day with a 3,4 and 5 yr old, their story might change.

 

ironpony, child-proof your house as best you can and continue to help out. A few iced DVDs aren't much of a price to pay for helping family in time of need. You're a good guy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[alphamale]

So how do you think I should handle this?

 

ditch the DVDs and get NetFlix

[anika99]

if the items are on a shelf that the kids can't reach then I suspect that your sister is actually bringing those items down and then carelessly letting her kids get ahold of them.

 

Kids should never be punished for wetting themselves as an aside.

 

It's your place and you get to set your rules. It's not about changing your sisters parenting habits. You will not be able to do that and you already know that she is very defensive about her parenting skills, so don't even go that route. Just tell her you would rather not have people in your place when you're not home so she cannot bring her kids there while you are working. Let that be the end of it, no need to say more.

[Mrschaney]

I think the only thing you can do is to tell your sister to control her children or go somewhere else. Shes being very rude by letting them run wild in your house. Its not that hard to watch kids.

[ironpony]

Well my parents keep on asking me to help out cause they cannot watch the kids all the time if she has to have them away from the husband cause of issues.

 

So my parents really want me to help and they have done so much for me that I feel I owe it to them to take a load of them.

[Mrschaney]

I hate to seem harsh, but this is your sisters problem. Not yours or your parents. You have no obligation to deal with her marital problems or her unruly kids. I wouldnt do what your doing for my sister and she certainly wouldnt do it for me.

[ironpony]

I'm actually doing it for my parents though as they have done a lot for me in the past, and trying to take a load of them. I'm doing it much more for that reason, than my sister. I do agree that she has her own problems that she needs to deal with but just trying to help out my parents watch the kids, cause they ask me to, and don't like turning down favors from them, since they have done so much for me.

[Mrschaney]

I understand that. Maybe you could talk to your parents and let them know they aren’t responsible for fixing your sisters problems. You really only have two choices- tell her no, or let her kids ruin your house.

[basil67]

I thought I did put them out of reach, however, the shelves do not go any higher. Perhaps they found a way to climb them. But correcting them doesn't work, since they have gotten into things before, and were corrected and nothing happens. So perhaps some scolding is in order therefore?

 

Like for example, the oldest one still wets her pants sometimes but doesn't tell anyone, cause she is ashamed probably, but she wants to potty train and not be in diapers, but at the same time, she doesn't really learn though, and keeps going in her pants on the floor.

 

My parents tried to sit my sister down and told her she is not doing the best job of being able to watch all of them, but she got really defensive about it, rather than taking it constructively, or so they said she did.

 

Again, not scolding of the little ones - esp. the 3yo. It’s just doing what 3yo kids do. At that age, it’s rules, supervision and redirection n a consistent manner.

 

The 5yo who’s wetting her pants consistently needs help. Perhaps your sister hasn’t put in the groundwork for toilet training. Perhaps the girl has a learning disability. Or she’s super stressed and it’s affecting her toileting. But more than the occasional accident is developmentally concerning.

[ironpony]

Well I talked to our parents just now and told them that maybe she is sticking them with too much, and that they need to set sound boundaries as to how much they should do, or set up more of a cut off.

 

But they said no and that we must help as much as we can with this situation.

[Mrschaney]

Well, then let them deal with it. Thats their decision and they have no right to expect you to involve yourself in your sisters problems.

[anika99]

Well, then let them deal with it. Thats their decision and they have no right to expect you to involve yourself in your sisters problems.

 

I agree. Your parents aren't being reasonabl. Letting your sister hide out at your houses isn't fixing her problems. As a matter of fact it's enabling her to not fix her problems. Instead of finding a solution she is sticking her head in the sand and hiding. If your parents want to be her enablers then let them at it. Maybe when they are bearing the full load they will come to understand why this isn't a good idea and maybe then they will find some boundaries.

 

It's admirable that you want to help your parents. When they become much older and weaker you will have plenty of opportunity to repay them for all they did for you, but helping them doesn't mean you have to be responsible for your sister and her kids.

[ironpony]

Okay thanks. What can I do to put my foot down with my them though and tell them and the sister that the kids need to behave better if we are to continue to help for a while?

 

I tried putting the foot down with them and it got more heated than I wanted it to.

[Whodatdog]

They are probably behaving the same way at home. That wont change. What can change is the venue. Next time she needs some away time, go somewhere else. A park, a Chuckie Cheese, someplace where kids are welcome. A playground, something. Just because she's having problems doesnt mean she can upset your household.

 

Meet somewhere else.

[preraph]

I think you just have to tell her no a lot more.