Should I listen to my mother or ignore her? Need to make big decisions.

[Lovehel]

I am 25. I live with my mother and two siblings, which is very trying a lot of the time. I am trying to think of ways to move on with my life and be independent.

 

I was looking at courses that seem enjoyable and something I could do within a year and so earn money out of it sooner than waiting five years or so for a degree, which I don't have the money for. I suffer with depression and social anxiety for anyone wondering why I am at this point at my age.

 

I was interested in massage therapy. I felt it was a calm place to work and learning how to massage properly makes me very curious. I could also earn over minimum wage possibly in a year or so, which I can't do now.

 

Anyway I mentioned this to my mother, and she blasts me out of it. Is roaring and screaming saying fine then work on one those seedy places and be hit on by middle aged men and god knows what else. You won't be getting any support from me, I think it is such a degrading thing to even think about doing.

 

I tried to explain that there were reputable massage places and that I don't have a problem with men or ages etc...she said come on "men think with their p*enis*, it made me feel so horrible the way she was talking so hostile and cruelly. She goes "yeah they all seem reputable" until someone asks for a little bit extra. She then says what will I say when someone asks me what you do "your a masseuse? " in an outraged tone she says this. She goes one minute you want to be an actor next this then this, tomorrow will be a new thing, your 25 grow up.

 

Also on another topic, recently I went out to make some new friends, I have a few they are not that close but I really appreciate them in my life. She was screaming at me saying your not allowed out this week to meet anyone, get your life in order and why don't you ever invite them here? I told her because of how judgemental she was. She just doesn't get it. If I was to stay here and not meet anyone I would get seriously depressed again. I have recently only the past month come out of severe depression so sometimes I really feel like being social, she berates me for that as if I am a complete waster for going out and staying in a friends house for the night.

 

I am pretty sure this is the way my mother wants me to operate- help her with every single thing she needs help with, sacrifice my own life as much as possible to be at her beck and call, do everything to satisfy and be there for her needs, if I do want to do anything of my own accord it has to match her values and beliefs or else I am a complete disgrace. That is what it feels like to me and so I feel very trapped in this space where I am being held down almost and bullied for wanting to try my own things.

 

Now I am alone in my room, and feel completely deflated.

 

Any advice? Thanks

 

(Summary)-I am trying to move on from this situation but my mother is fighting me every step of the way, and making it harder than it should be, I feel? What do you think?

[basil67]

I'm going to come right out and suggest that your mother is the CAUSE of your anxiety and depression. Frankly, she sounds like she'd send even the most sane person round the bend. I will also guess that being abused by your mother for so long is why you end up in abusive relationships. You haven't had a calm and loving home life modelled and so you don't know any better when you're dating.

 

I think your number one priority should be working out how to move out of your home. Is your father in the picture? Yes, I know your mother probably says horrible things about him, but have you questioned whether or not they are true?

[Lovehel]

I'm going to come right out and suggest that your mother is the CAUSE of your anxiety and depression. Frankly, she sounds like she'd send even the most sane person round the bend. I will also guess that being abused by your mother for so long is why you end up in abusive relationships. You haven't had a calm and loving home life modelled and so you don't know any better when you're dating.

 

I think your number one priority should be working out how to move out of your home. Is your father in the picture? Yes, I know your mother probably says horrible things about him, but have you questioned whether or not they are true?

 

Thank you very much for the response. I have to agree I am not sure if she is the cause but she definitely exacerbates my anxiety and depression to the hilt! I feel I am driven round the bend on a daily basis which also stops me from focusing on my own life a lot and causes me to be very depressed. The thing is she has never been physically abusive, but I would consider her emotionally abusive. My father and her separated 6 years ago he became a heavy alcoholic after he was diagnosed with bipolar when I was thirteen, and he would sometimes go into violent rages, but they always calmed down he never actually beat or hit anyone. Anyway after 2 years of her complaining about him and his family refusing to speak to any of us only my father she got an order from a court for him to leave. Him and his family have never forgiven this as a result they see us all as traitors to the family and see us as extensions of our mother who can't be trusted. I have tried to contact some of them but they have no interest in seeing me and my father has blocked us all for the past two years. When I did try and go over to see him this summer I got a solicitors letter that his family use telling me to stay away or they will get a restraining order against me due to "harassment", I texted and called a good few times and tried to call over I was in no way harassing. My parents are also going through a divorce that started last year and he refuses to speak to any of us until that is over, so I feel a deep betrayal from my father in that way, cause he is not there for me in anyway shape or form and when I try to go near him I am strongly warned to stay away so I have given up.

 

Right now the house that has been our home for 20 years has been sold due to my father and his family forcing that to happen, so we are moving into my deceased grandmothers house ( my mothers mother) my mother is very bitter about this. I don't hate my father in anyway but he has left me to deal with a very tough situation with my mother and has made her very very bitter and I am left with dealing with all the anger and hatred from it. So I do not appreciate how difficult he has made my life.

 

I am truly on my own and having to find my own way out of this, because this situation has swallowed me up before and caused me severe depression, where I genuinely thought it would be better not be alive. Now I am at the point where I want to live a good wholesome life, and just figuring out the best way to do that. I was thinking of becoming a carer for the elderly? That way I can also save money to move out eventually?

[MidwestUSA]

Your mother has a very skewed perception of what therapeutic massage is. Can you gather some information from programs and give them to her? Or leave them lay around the house? She sounds horribly ignorant. No wonder you're depressed.

 

There are a lot of massage chains/franchises out there. You could also eventually branch out and work for yourself.

 

As for elder care, could you search for someone looking for a live in caretaker?

 

I agree, you need to find a way out of living under the same roof with her, the sooner the better, but I understand not wanting to part with your pets.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Lovehel]

Your mother has a very skewed perception of what therapeutic massage is. Can you gather some information from programs and give them to her? Or leave them lay around the house? She sounds horribly ignorant. No wonder you're depressed.

 

There are a lot of massage chains/franchises out there. You could also eventually branch out and work for yourself.

 

As for elder care, could you search for someone looking for a live in caretaker?

 

I agree, you need to find a way out of living under the same roof with her, the sooner the better, but I understand not wanting to part with your pets.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

I just don't think there is any changing her mind, she is very stubborn that way and believes it is true because she said her cousins wife tried it decades ago trained for two years ago and she had men asking her to do all sorts of things where she said I am not a prostitute but started to feel like one or something. I asked her where she worked and she said from a room at home, and I was arguing well maybe that is why then, she didn't take it as a reasonable argument. I mean to me that is ignorant also though looking down on someone who is a prostitute is also shameful in my eyes. So she was like why the hell would you want to go into a job where men are looking for you to satisfy their penis basically, she didn't say that but that was the point.

 

Anyway I know she would be fully supportive of me being a carer and right now I just don't think I could deal with doing something and being completely berated for it at home, so I think I will wait to do it off my own back and just not tell her I am doing it. So was thinking of saving up money being a carer and I can always tell her I am caring for someone when I am actually doing a few classes a week, and she wouldn't really know? Ridiculous to think I would have to do that though. I think the disgraceful person is her here not me, but she would never see that.

 

I love my two pets so much so that is really what will be extremely difficult to deal with moving out, but I will make the effort to see then and be there for them as much as possible, I just don't think she would be able to look after them properly herself or would even want to, so that is a tough one.

 

I am going to apply for all the caring positions possible in this area tomorrow. Because right now I am under the control of a very domineering controlling person. My depression lifted when I started talking to people out of the house again and meeting some of them helps me to get things in perspective. But she has banned me from going out until I get my life on order. I am 25 and feeling about 15. I was depressed before and hated myself thinking why on earth did I not just get a degree before feeling suffocated abd trapped but I can't think like that now! I must make moves to have power over my life so nobody can dictate things to me at 25

[Mr. Lucky]

 

I am pretty sure this is the way my mother wants me to operate- help her with every single thing she needs help with, sacrifice my own life as much as possible to be at her beck and call, do everything to satisfy and be there for her needs, if I do want to do anything of my own accord it has to match her values and beliefs or else I am a complete disgrace. That is what it feels like to me and so I feel very trapped in this space where I am being held down almost and bullied for wanting to try my own things.

 

Now I am alone in my room, and feel completely deflated.

 

Any advice? Thanks

 

Lovehel, with all due respect, you're your own worst enemy. Your mother isn't keeping you locked in the basement or forcing her thoughts on you propaganda style, 24 hours a day. So she only gets as much control over you as you grant her, simple as that. This isn't about your mother, it's about you.

 

At 25, the only goals you need pursue and the only opinions you should consider are your own. There's nothing stopping you from enrolling in your chosen courses tomorrow, and I might even hazard a guess your mother would treat you differently should you demonstrate some independent thought and action.

 

What you're doing now obviously isn't working for you. Time to be brave enough to try something else...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lovehel]

Lovehel, with all due respect, you're your own worst enemy. Your mother isn't keeping you locked in the basement or forcing her thoughts on you propaganda style, 24 hours a day. So she only gets as much control over you as you grant her, simple as that. This isn't about your mother, it's about you.

 

At 25, the only goals you need pursue and the only opinions you should consider are your own. There's nothing stopping you from enrolling in your chosen courses tomorrow, and I might even hazard a guess your mother would treat you differently should you demonstrate some independent thought and action.

 

What you're doing now obviously isn't working for you. Time to be brave enough to try something else...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Bit harsh, but I completely see where you are coming from. I definitely need to step out on my own. I will do my very best to get a job this week and have a lot of other things to do also. Also I can't just enrol in any course because of the money but will do loads of short courses this year in different things while working which I can afford until I get a realistic idea of the right career path. I am going to try and become a carer for the elderly this week. I am going to be brave and just jump in. I know I am scared because it has been such a long time since I have put myself out there but have to try it and see what happens. Thanks for the reality check!

[d0nnivain]

We talked about goal setting in your other thread. You have now set a goal to get training in a trade. That is good. Have you written out the steps to do this? Have you figured out the costs of tuition & come up with a plan to pay for school? I don't know if you can get student loans for massage therapy but the school will probably know.

 

Do get at least a minimum wage job as soon as possible. Some income is still better than no income. Once you are working pay your mom something for room & board so she has a concrete proof that you are serious about being independent. Also pay for your animals.

 

Do collect literature about the legitimate therapeutic aspects of massage. Listen to your month in the sense that you need to avoid the seedy places. If you educate her about the real nature of your legitimate work, she should be more supportive once she realizes you aren't becoming a prostitute.

[Mr. Lucky]

I am going to be brave and just jump in. I know I am scared because it has been such a long time since I have put myself out there but have to try it and see what happens. Thanks for the reality check!

 

I posted this in another thread, but to paraphrase a quote from Henry Ford - "If you think you can or you think you can't, you're right either way".

 

Find the strength to think you can. Keep posting and let us know how you're progressing...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Blanco]

OP, I agree that your mother sounds like the root of some of your issues. Quite frankly, at 25, it's your life to live and she doesn't really get a say in it. Maybe she means well, but from your post, it sounds like a highly dissatisfied person who's coping by trying to influence and rule the lives of loved ones.

 

I'll add that while I understand adult children living with their parents is sometimes culturally expected, I think it ultimately does a disservice to the "child." You aren't getting a chance to be an actual adult or develop a true sense of self because of your mother's negative outlook.