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My parentsí marriage is amplifying my existential crisis/depression?!

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Old 9th January 2018, 1:27 AM   #1
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My parentsí marriage is amplifying my existential crisis/depression?!

Okay, so I’m going to try to condense everything I’m feeling right now... bear with me:

My parents have been married for almost 30 years. Recently, I found out my dad cheated on my mom about 16 years ago. I hate to admit that I was eavesdropping but that’s how I found out. My mom decided to stay but she harbors so much resentment and distrust towards him and it is apparent everyday in the way they interact with one another. Just now, they were arguing yet again and I found out some more things about my parents’ marriage. The main thing being that my Dad gave my mom several STDs as a result of his infidelities.

Now, I’m feeling a mixture of emotions. Here’s some background about me:

I am 23 years old and have suffered from severe clinical depression for the last 5 years. I’m constantly going in and out of depressive episodes. There are a few main causes of my depression... 1. I often feel that I am hideous and unlovable 2. I have lost my faith and truly believe life is meaningless 3. The horrors of the world seem to outweigh the good

I have never been in a relationship and have never had anyone express interest in me , this further amplifies my feelings of loneliness and isolation.

I say all of this because after hearing my parents talk about their marriage, I feel like there is no hope for me. That I am cursed to have the same fate. If I knew for a fact that my life would end up like theirs, I would blow my brains out right now. I’m sort of rambling but I simply can’t believe all that I’ve found out about their marriage. I feel so disillusioned, literally every woman in my family has been cheated on. What’s the point of marriage? What’s the point of anything? I feel so lost and utterly alone. I don’t even know what the point of this post was but if you have any advice I’d love or hear it.
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Old 9th January 2018, 2:15 AM   #2
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i have seen the very worst in life people and situations.....and pretty common..among people who arent perfect and make mistakes...and i am not condoning infidelity...your mum and dads conversation wasn't meant for you to hear..and im sorry that you did hear it....16 years ago yet your parents are still together some marriages dont survive infidelity

i also have depressive episodes of clinical depression ......i was once told my depression comes externally.....from situations and people i deal with i was also told just to rid myself of people and situations that cause unhappiness...but life can often cause unhappiness..... things happen you give up on life or do you find what lifts you enough to deal with the situations enough to make it through them.....i have been as close as a person gets to really giving up on life but some part of me...actually... the very core of who i am..... lives for the fight in that situation.....god lets me know when to fight th e hardest ....its a burn and i pray for that matter how low you go ...believe that up there god is there loving you regardless.....

you have to find that in you....your inner child......that finds the world a beautiful place full of wonder and of love.....the world where puppies and kittens,butterflies and rainbows are important.......the harsh realities are not for the clinically depressed in a depressive episode.......we dont need reminding of how harsh the world can be...or how we just dont fit anywhere or we arent realistic...being too real and in reality can cause depression..... those are the emotions and thoughts we need to get rid of for a need to contact the child in you where you last felt the world was beautiful..where you felt good and right and you felt like you just fit........people are beautiful....even the broken....find that part of you...that are beautiful too.....


you need to seek some professional counselling....for you ...not for your parents marriage that is not in your control....they need to deal with their stuff....its not for you to fix......

.....i find my poetry helps me...good or bad ....its just for me...sometimes ill post the uplifting poetry for others to read and feel uplifted too.... but there are poems that are for me and no one else......same with journaling helps me .....listening to uplifting music.....reading good books.......i have hundreds of books .......i have read the good ones many times .....when i don't believe in love ill read romance......and ill remember the love i have seen in real life...snapshots of happiness.......i love nature i nurture that have to nurture what you love......and my church and the people who go there.....ill picture them in my head......and think about them ...jokes they share their smiles anything i know and love about them how they live their faith.....

the worst times for me when i sink beyond the tide mark..... is when i feel they wouldn't want me at church if they knew who i used to be they would not want to sit near me or talk to me.... my heart though i know i fit in...i feel they do really care if i wasn't to be around anymore.....same with my family..when i am depressed its when i feel that my place in their life is a burden ...i am a burden...a pathetic burden.......this is when i have to fight the hardest

instead of how wrong my family is or how wrong i am.... i then turn to concentrate on the good the right about my family and myself....... how beautiful their hearts are in generosity of spirit..i know i am a generous person.......who my family have helped who they would help and how they would just be there if anyone needed them....same with me........this is what you need to do ...think of the good in you and those who surround you

think of the right think of all the positive and let it flow into what you feel.......about yourself...i feel loving yourself isn't as easy as loving others.....we are much harder on ourselves than anyone could ever be...we need to be able to see the good in ourselves sometimes its really beneficial to get therapy and see a compassionate doc who can help us find that good....i would if i were you consider therapy because sometimes meds work for certain people where holistic methods wont...meds dont work on can beat with it and survive ....just keep fighting the negative thoughts and think about getting some support to do so.....i wish you well.....and here is some love from me to you....xoxoxo..

underneath this post of mine that is lengthy lol...ahem is a poem i wrote about hope and peace.....its now written for you.......deb
in the ache of night,luminous prayers take fragile flight,
somewhere between battalions of warring sins,
there exists hope and love for peace begins...deb

Last edited by todreaminblue; 9th January 2018 at 2:29 AM..
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Old 9th January 2018, 4:13 PM   #3
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That is a harsh discovery, but you are your own person. You are not doomed to have the bad relationship of your parents.

I've read some of your posts over the years about how you want to come to terms with your "unattractiveness".

I'm not willing to buy into your theory that you are universally unattractive, but I will say that even if that is the case, the idea of beauty does change with age, and some features that may be considered less attractive as a young lady, may suit you better as you age..

No advice, but just be your best you. You can't change who your parents are, or the genetic look you have, but not just super models find love and even though you dad did some horrible stuff to your mom, if he's been faithful for a decade and a half since, then consider how much will power and love it must have taken for him to turn his life around like that for the positive.
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Old 10th January 2018, 2:27 AM   #4
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Originally Posted by GunslingerRoland View Post
No advice, but just be your best you.
There you go.

Tallgirl91, I've had friends from all walks of life. Some, from backgrounds of fortunate circumstance and incredible privilege, made absolute messes of their existence. Others overcame hardship and abuse you and I could only guess at to find happiness and success. In either case, the end result was a sum total of their effort, attitude and approach.

Your parents aren't you nor you them. In fact, one might hope that having seen their mistakes up close, you'd be less inclined to repeat them. As in everything else, that choice will be yours...

Mr. Lucky
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:47 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by Tallgirl91 View Post
literally every woman in my family has been cheated on
Consider volunteering at an old age home once a week and try to befriend a lady who had a long lasting happy marriage without infidelity. I don't know you or your personality, but it might help both of you. Old people can be very lonely.
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Old 12th January 2018, 10:11 PM   #6
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Thank you all so much for your kind words! Iím feeling a little better and all of your advice has definitely helped!
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Old 12th January 2018, 10:12 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by hedron View Post
Consider volunteering at an old age home once a week and try to befriend a lady who had a long lasting happy marriage without infidelity. I don't know you or your personality, but it might help both of you. Old people can be very lonely.
Iím going to look into doing this, thank you <3
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Old 14th January 2018, 3:21 AM   #8
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Don't let the state of your parents marriage and your mom's decision to stay married to your dad after he cheated define you or ruin you or give you insecurities! Both of them have their own issues and emotional baggage which has nothing to do with you! Don't inherit their crap!

Were you feeling depressed and all before you found all this out? Have you ever done counseling? Doesn't have to be a shrink it can be someone who specializes in depression and/or anxiety, family pain etc. Counseling can also help you build up your self esteem and learn to love yourself, feel good about yourself.

You're young and have so much life to live!
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