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Family dynamic changing because of 1 in-law spouse


Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 8th January 2018, 2:40 PM   #16
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I mean she made a dinner invitation to all family members after seeing a brother make a dinner invitation to all the family. She was trying to compete. Yes she saw that brother 43 sent an invitation to all family for a dinner on date X, they were invited but instead of accepting the invitation she sent her own invitation to the same family members for the same dinner at her home. In private she told someone she didn't like what brother 43 had on the menu so she started her own family dinner, It's ridiculous and hurtful, and childish.

I don't know where you got it was a girl brunch. This happened on NYE, the entire family was there including our parents from outside of town.To each person leaving their home on NYE party she made an invitation to join them for brunch next day, except to brother 43 and his family. The very same brother she tried to steal the previous family dinner from (the same brother she tried to steal my daughter's 30th party from). So, bottom line she had invited every family member back for brunch the following day except 1 sibling.

My parents come up here twice a year, we know months ahead of time when they come. My parents always stay at brother 43 for a week and at brother 51 for the second week, it's been like this for 15 years. It's her that didn't warn our parents that this year it would be different and they didn't wish to have them over. But, why? it's ONCE a year. They go to my parents several times a year and show up unannounced and my parents never turned them down, you don't turn family around, not in our world.

Our new dynamic includes manipulation and sneakiness, it's hard to accept after 25 years. She has been in the family for 25 years, she was always warm, welcoming, generous, upbeat, full of energy, she organized herself most of our vacationing together, I can give you 10s and 10s of example of her generosity of heart but since 3 years she isn't the same person.

I was thinking about it since I post this and I know she is medicated since her father died 2-3 years ago, it seem to coincides with her change of character. Now when we get to her home our brother welcome us in, she doesn't get up to come to the door, she stays in her chair, doesn't great anyone, doesn't even turn her head to look at us. She's like numb.
So you have answered your own questions.

Have you asked your brother about these changes? Sorry if you have already addressed.
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Old 8th January 2018, 2:58 PM   #17
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So you have answered your own questions.

Have you asked your brother about these changes? Sorry if you have already addressed.
Yes it seems I have answered my own question. I will speak to my brother (43) to be patient and not rock the boat as I believe, like someone on here said, she is more in pain than the rest of us.

My brother (43) has no clue why the sudden change. We have spoken about going for brunch just us the siblings and have a heart-to heart with brother (51) but decided it wouldn't do much. We have a list of little incidents here and there showing he's stuck in the middle and he's keeping a low profile till it passes.
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Old 8th January 2018, 3:22 PM   #18
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Yep, probably so. Maybe a heart to heart wouldn't hurt as he may be feeling helpless, overwhelmed/caught in the middle.

He has to respect his wife's privacy but at the same time, you know him very well. Life get's a little kooky....that said, there is a way to show support without a whodunit.

Being there Gaeta. You guys will figure it out...you're already there.
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Old 8th January 2018, 11:02 PM   #19
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Thank you for your input but my brother and this woman have been together for 25 years. There is no new-wife. Things changed 3 years ago only.

I understand things change, I understand people cannot always attend gatherings, I myself do not always attend, but it's not *things* that have changed, it's her. She went from a warm and generous woman to being numb and indifferent.
I had asked the question but you didn't respond so perhaps you missed it or maybe just didn't want to reply--- but on your end, have you honestly treated her with warmth and kindness and mutual respect -- ?? Is there any truth to the possibility from hownyou described her and the dynamics that it's possible you have not extended the respect to her that your complaining she doesn't show?

I don't know you or her but in family accounts like this I think it goes without saying that the person may not be a villain - the truth might lay somewhere in between where both parties have played a part
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Old 9th January 2018, 9:34 PM   #20
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I had asked the question but you didn't respond so perhaps you missed it or maybe just didn't want to reply--- but on your end, have you honestly treated her with warmth and kindness and mutual respect -- ?? Is there any truth to the possibility from hownyou described her and the dynamics that it's possible you have not extended the respect to her that your complaining she doesn't show?

I don't know you or her but in family accounts like this I think it goes without saying that the person may not be a villain - the truth might lay somewhere in between where both parties have played a part
This ^^ I like. There is truth to this. I will come forward and admit, I am guilty. I have family that I don't particularly gel well with, and I will be first to admit it, I do not converse or interact with them as I do with family members that I do personally like. I keep a mild aloofness and distance and I do think the same sort of attitude is given back to me. I guess if we both just decided to change and just be nicer and kinder and more respectful to each other, perhaps we could turn things around and be much more jolly.
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:06 PM   #21
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Some of those medications have all kinds of horrible side effects worse than the symptoms they are supposed to treat. Maybe try a different doctor?
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Old 16th January 2018, 3:22 PM   #22
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I had asked the question but you didn't respond so perhaps you missed it or maybe just didn't want to reply--- but on your end, have you honestly treated her with warmth and kindness and mutual respect -- ?? Is there any truth to the possibility from hownyou described her and the dynamics that it's possible you have not extended the respect to her that your complaining she doesn't show?

I don't know you or her but in family accounts like this I think it goes without saying that the person may not be a villain - the truth might lay somewhere in between where both parties have played a part
I am a bit confused, I have given a long detailed answer to this a couple of days ago and it disappeared. In short my answer was that I have always treated her with respect and kindness. I was also very involved with my nieces and nephews. Many times when they were little I spent my weekend there to babysit so my brother and her could get away. I have been to every recitals, hockey practice, graduations, been to every birthday and offered generous gifts at each xmas and b'day. I never go there empty handed and I always offer my help.
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Old 16th January 2018, 3:23 PM   #23
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Some of those medications have all kinds of horrible side effects worse than the symptoms they are supposed to treat. Maybe try a different doctor?
She is being closely monitored and I am sure they will adjust her meds if needed.
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Old 16th January 2018, 4:10 PM   #24
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Family dynamics can change as life stages pass. I was close to my brother and his wife before they had kids. Less so after, because they had less spare time.

I love my family but, being totally honest, I don’t enjoy a lot of their company. I’m a solitary person and need a lot of space.

My ex has a weird family arrangement. His ex wife, who he dislikes and who left him 30 years ago after getting pregnant by another man, is a fairly frequent part of his family interaction. His family is also very full on. I couldn’t be what he wanted me to be in his family. If I could do it, I’d do it with my family.

The new dynamic with your sister in law and your brother may not be the way the rest of your family behave, but it’s their life.
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