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How do you not envy a brother with all he has ?


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Old 23rd December 2017, 8:58 AM   #1
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How do you not envy a brother with all he has ?

l have an older brother , 55ish.
He'd have to be the luckiest man l've ever met.

He met his wife in the city 32yrs ago , talked her into moving upto a coastal town interstate , she hated it at first.
First dad helped him financially years ago, then he met her and she came into money, and then came into more money.Then her dad died and left them more money, plus 4 properties.
Meanwhile my dad had a holiday house up there but got into financial trouble and they bought our family holiday house of him with beautiful sea views and in a gorgeous town and part of the world for about 1/2 price.
And that's where they've lived for 32yrs.

He's hardly worked, they're still in love and doting, always have been , 3 beautiful kids all grown up , great jobs and married off.
Here they are still there, perched up on this hill overlooking the ocean , still in love, they go off traveling 4 times a year.they're the envy of anyone that know them and they're even happier now than they've ever been , love where they've lived all these years , it's just bloody surreal.

Yet here's me , divorced, lived all over and having to move yet again, been through hell this last 5yrs, trying to be a part time dad to my daughter now in a broken faimly.

For 15yrs my ex and l were the envy of most too, We were in love and doting too, we got a long even better than they do, we lived al over the country in the most beautiful places and traveled for 12 yrs , yet here l am.
Moaning on loveshack.

He wouldn't even know how to use a computer , he's had this incredible real life all these years living up on that ocean hill with his loving family and money just falling into his lap.

He couldn't even imagine my world right now .

How do we not get depressed over this stuff and such lucky people.?

Last edited by Chilli; 23rd December 2017 at 9:06 AM..
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Old 23rd December 2017, 9:12 AM   #2
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Sometimes we all focus on what we don't have instead of being grateful for what we do have. You had a charmed life for a while with all the traveling. That's more then many. If you had it once you can get it back. I'm not sure how & it won't be easy but perhaps set some S.M.A.R.T. goals or make a dream board then set about getting what it is that you think you want but don't forget to enjoy the journey along the way.

Perhaps ask your brother what his secret to happiness is & ask his wife if she has any single friends to fix you up with.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 9:31 AM   #3
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Ahh thanks Doni , very nice of you.
Typo with the details btw , he's older than that but it doesn't matter.

Your right in ways , l did , for a long time. We both made mistakes though and here l am.
luck has had so much to do with it with him , money has been falling into his lap most his life,. everything has , even his wife, she was my sisters best friend. the beautiful house they've lived in all these years, the lot.

l suppose l could try that board , so many things have gone against me though in this last few years and luck, ha , forget it , wouldn't know what it looks like.
But , never know l suppose.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 9:40 AM   #4
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Chilli

I get it. I have spent the last 5 years or so being miserable. I can't get out of my own way.

Objectively I know I look like I "have it all" -- a great husband, a nice house, a vacation home, good friends, a profitable business, but I'm sad, empty & unfulfilled. I also don't know how to fill that void but I keep trying.

The gratitude's help. Every morning when I wake up & every night before I go to sleep I'm supposed to write 3 things I'm grateful for. I don't always write them but I do try to at least think them. Yesterday seemed to be hug day. I got great big, bone crushing, genuine hugs from several friends in different contexts throughout the day. That was truly what I was most grateful for as I lay down yesterday & this morning as I woke up. Try it.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 9:58 AM   #5
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I totally understand. In my case, I only have one sibling (we're twins) and I work for them (her and my BIL). I have for the last five years. 2 years ago, 6 months after I bought my own home (for the first time in my life as a single woman....owned a few with my exH) based on my income from them, they slashed my pay by 35% (didn't think I needed a contract). I have struggled financially so much since then. Meanwhile, they travel for months at a time with their two kids, currently own four homes (selling one), and she just does not GET my feeling of betryal about it, which I try very very hard to keep in check. She has no clue what financial difficulty is like, what credit card debt is like. We grew up very comfortable, she barely worked a full time job after college, got married and instantly became comfortable, blah blah blah.....

It's very hard for me not to be envious, and even resentful, of how easy she has it.....financially. She has other crap though. I would NOT want to be married to her husband, which is a whole 'nother story. When I start to get resentful, it helps me to be like "well, at least he's not MY husband" lol.

It also helps to just dwell on what I do have, and think how ridiculously blessed I actually am when there are people out there relying on food banks for food, don't know how they will pay next month's electricity bill, etc.

It's all about perspective <3.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 10:02 AM   #6
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Wow, your a very lucky women then Doni.
How on earth could you be unhappy. Yet l hear and read that same scenario so often.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 10:11 AM   #7
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Thanks CO , but damn , money people yep , that is exactly what they would do , sister or not, seen that sort of thing a lot.

l hope your getting through ok , congrats on the house, nice goin, really.

lt helps doesn;t it when you know the marriage itself , sounds low l know but eh , l'm only human.
l wouldn't want my brothers wife either , although she's ok , l think , l do know she's given him quite a bit of grief though over the years.
But l would love to have what they have with my women, well if l still had one, oh brother, now lm depressed myself again.

Don't ebvy my other older brother,l admire him but don't envy him.
They've been married about the same time , wouldn't really want he's marriage or life but he's done really well though non the less and they've made it all this time and raised a family, own properties, still married.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 7:28 PM   #8
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Wow Chilli! Your big brother sounds a lot like mine. Wonderful marriage, great grown up kids, very wealthy, lives in luxury... One big difference, my brother took over a very successful family business, worked his butt off and grew it exponentially into an incredibly successful network of around 10 companies. His wife was right there in the trenches with him the whole way. They're youngest and his fiance are now in the process of slowly taking over the ropes and my brother and his wife now seem to randomly pop up in different parts of the world evertime I check social media. They've always travelled extensively.... but they've now taken it to a new level!

Not only is he successful, he's also one of the most generous people I know. Once a year he takes the whole family (his kids, their partners and now their children, my daughter and I, and others we may choose to bring along like the kid's partner's siblings, etc) to the same resort location. And he pays for the whole thing! Try as we might, he just won't allow it. Because he says we're giving him something priceless by coming back together every year en masse as a family. It used to drive my xH nuts when we were together - it ended up being part of the tradition back then that my xH would just go and wash and polish all my brothers cars and that made him feel better.

I have yet to see him turn down a reasonable request for help from anyone in the family. He completely supports our mother and step-dad. Also, certain parts of my brothers business call for low skilled labour. So he has an agreement with a welfare agency where he trails long term unemployed (to be clear, he also gets a government subsidy for this). Alcoholics, those recently out of jail, etc. Some have been spectacular failures, but others remain with him for years and he helps them turn their lives around. One of his best foremen is an alcoholic who has now been sober for 20 odd years and is a mentor with AA.

He has a philosophy that if you care too much about money, you'll never have it. But if you care about what money can do for people you care about, you'll do the right things to attract it. And that if you use it wisely and with compassion, wealth will grow. And this seems to have worked for him

Like you Chilli, I really admire my brother. I'm so proud of him it makes my heart full just writing this. It would be easy to be jealous and/or resentful... and I admit to the odd feelings of I wish my life were as great as his... but they're fleeting. Overall I just feel so incredibly lucky to have him my life
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Old 25th December 2017, 6:04 PM   #9
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That'd be a nice way to be wealthy and happy wouldn' it So.

Mines as tight as a fishes yaknow what. They hoard every cent , don't even buy food when they travel , asked him for a loan of 3k once l was short trying to buy a house. damn near gave him heart attack l think , the thought of parting with a measly 3k of his precious millions
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Old 27th December 2017, 1:11 PM   #10
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Well my younger brother is better off than me, but I have goals and he's helping me to attain them. So my envy of him is less than it could be. But there are times I wish I would have been wiser in my youth. I had what he has but I was missing love, felt like my life was a lie, so I now I'm being authentic however I have struggled financially and am rebuilding after a bad relationship. I also struggle with mental health issues, so I've got that monkey on my back. I can be successful, I'm a songwriting/singer. I'm obtaining equipment I need with my brother's help to create better songs. I was runner up in a contest years ago with the first song I wrote in 10 minutes, so I think I have a knack, just have to polish it up a bit and keep trying.
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Old 27th December 2017, 2:16 PM   #11
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I’m better off than my older brother and he is quite jealous of me. We got into an argument over Christmas break due to his jealousy.
I try to help him out when I can and encourage him whenever he tries to make a career change (I even go as far as helping him with his resume, filling out job applications and buying him books to help him learn about his “next big career move”….that never happens). Heck when he told me I was going to be an aunt, one of my first thoughts was that I need to start putting money aside so I can help him pay for the baby's college education in 18 years. We had the exact same opportunities in life. He decided to do the bare minimum and coast by on his good looks, athletic ability and charm…However, me being the nerd baby sister, I always felt like I had something to prove and felt like I worked harder than him as our family and small town community always assumed he was Mr. Perfect growing up. While I was busting my a$s in college and professional school, he was working in a factory and bragging about how he was making $22/hour, sexual conquest and partying. Now that I make more money than him and he is buying everything on credit to support a family of 4, his jealousy has become more evident.

Despite my brother’s jealousy, he doesn’t know how much I envy him in some areas. He has a great home, is married, has a best friend who would do anything for him, my family likes him more, and he just had his first child. I live alone, still in pain from getting my heart stomped on 2 years ago, and feel like I suck at my job right now (recent grad so I’m still learning). So even though your brother’s life may seem perfect to you (as I’m sure my brother believes mine is) he could be having issues that he keeps private. Just something to keep in mind.
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Old 27th December 2017, 2:55 PM   #12
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OP: Everything in your initial post is based on materialistic possessions. I can guarantee you that, if you were in his position, you would be jealous of those who own private jets and the most expensive penhouses in Manhattan.
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Old 27th December 2017, 3:38 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
It also helps to just dwell on what I do have, and think how ridiculously blessed I actually am when there are people out there relying on food banks for food, don't know how they will pay next month's electricity bill, etc.

It's all about perspective <3.
Yes, this is the heart of it. Be thankful and make the best of what you have.

One of my half-sisters married a rich guy and gets anything she wants. She doesn't seem to have any compassion for people less fortunate.

A couple years ago, I saw her for the first time in a long time after not having seen her for many years, and for a few days I was troubled thinking about the injustice of it all.

My mom sometimes tells me things this sister says about me when they talk. She's uppity, seems to have a hobby of passing judgment on people including me, regarding matters she knows nothing about.

For a while this bothered me, and then it hit me: if she feels compelled to do this, she's obviously not as happy as she appears. Happy people don't need to crap on other people to feel better. Since then, I feel a lot better, and I just tell my mom I don't care what the sister thinks.
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:01 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by JuneL View Post
OP: Everything in your initial post is based on materialistic possessions. I can guarantee you that, if you were in his position, you would be jealous of those who own private jets and the most expensive penhouses in Manhattan.
Hey Junel
nah it's not that kinda thing at all, he just has such an incredible life has had 30yrs.
Jets or wealth are nothing without real love and a family , not to me anyway and l don't really have much interest in wealth or jets or penthouses.
Though l sure wouldn't mind being more comfortable than what l am. admittedly.

What l'm saying though is that he not only has all this stuff fall into his lap his whole life, but he has his incredible family and marriage and lifestyle together, that's the biggie, it's rare to see both, often it's one or the other if you really look.
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:09 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Ruby Slippers View Post
Yes, this is the heart of it. Be thankful and make the best of what you have.

One of my half-sisters married a rich guy and gets anything she wants. She doesn't seem to have any compassion for people less fortunate.

A couple years ago, I saw her for the first time in a long time after not having seen her for many years, and for a few days I was troubled thinking about the injustice of it all.

My mom sometimes tells me things this sister says about me when they talk. She's uppity, seems to have a hobby of passing judgment on people including me, regarding matters she knows nothing about.

For a while this bothered me, and then it hit me: if she feels compelled to do this, she's obviously not as happy as she appears. Happy people don't need to crap on other people to feel better. Since then, I feel a lot better, and I just tell my mom I don't care what the sister thinks.

Yeah see this is the thing.
There's plenty of miserable wealthy people around.
And maybe plenty of long happy still head over heals in love marriages that don't don't have that much
But for someone to literally have it all , the love the beautiful family and kids , the doting relationship, true contentment ,that to me is something you don't see every day.
Truly lucky blessed people if they have all that.
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