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How do I get my parents to see me as an adult?

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Old 8th November 2017, 9:37 PM   #1
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How do I get my parents to see me as an adult?

I recently moved back home after graduating from college.

I got a job right after in nyc which is where I grew up. My parents are very kind and have let me move back home as living in nyc is expensive. I am planning on getting an apartment with roommates and moving out (currently saving for that). I am not paying for rent as my parents aren't the type to charge me for rent. I am grateful to them for everything they have done for me and I don't wish to be ungrateful, but living with them (particularly my mother is doing a number on my mental health)

As of now, I have been lonely and feel like I have been reduced to living to the way I did when I was 16, except it is worse since going away to college gave me a freedom and privacy that I could never have at home.

Dating is out of the question (my mother is extremely christian conservative and while I am living in her house I am pretty sure she would say "I am not allowed to date/have a boyfriend or even stay out late, or sleep over (she would kill me)", even though I am 22 years old and work full time/student part time). I do not have my own room or privacy because we are very poor so I share a bed with my mother. She doesn't like when I lock the door in the bathroom. If I do anything or go anywhere there are 20 questions and I hate it. Because the questions aren't to talk, the questions are to "mother me". If there is a male I am going to hang out with she says "he is going to think that you like him", sort of implying that I could never like male attention/or have a romantic love interest. If I am on the phone for a long time, she will ask "why I am talking so long with this person" assuming I have a romantic interest in them. Even when most of the time she as asked it wasn't the case. There are many other instances..

Hence why I never introduced her to my ex...

She never dated, ever (she has only dated my father and they were married 6 months from their official meeting and they are still unhappily married, hence why I sleep on what should be his side of the bed) so she doesn't really have any empathy in that department. She would never divorce as it is against her morals.

I feel very stuck. My parents are happy that I moved back home. My mother has no friends so she relies on me for socialization but being with her all the time, especially when I have to be under her thumb as "her child" is annoying. I feel guilty leaving her alone but being with her all the time is so tiring. I don't have anywhere in the home where I can be alone either and it is driving me mad.

I have been good about holding my tongue about these things because I am under her roof, but it is getting harder and harder as time passes. My patience reaching its breaking point.

I don't want to cause conflict when I am still so dependent on them.

I am thinking about talking with her, but I do not know if that will work. I do not feel like she will understand.
Is there anyway to show her that I am an adult and need boundaries?

Any advise would be appreciated.


Last edited by HiCrunchy; 8th November 2017 at 9:55 PM..
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Old 9th November 2017, 3:30 AM   #2
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Unfortunately, when you are still dependent on your parents, and living in their home, the boundaries you can set with them tend to be very limited. Sorry, but if you try to set boundaries with a smothering mother, you are most likely going to offend her, and make your already uncomfortable situation worse.

If you want to be treated like an adult the best thing you could do is move out, pay all of your own bills, and stop being dependent on your parents, like an adult. Save every penny you can, pick up any odd jobs available for some extra cash (most colleges have part time work for students), and make moving out your priority. Until then, find ways to stay busy studying and working, and avoid conflicts with your mom.

Good luck.
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Old 9th November 2017, 8:12 AM   #3
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Given that NYC is a HCOL area while you live under their roof, you will be relegated to the role of child, because to your parents that is what you are -- their baby.

After college I moved back in with mom & dad for the 3 years of grad school. I faced some of the same problems you have but not to the same degree. I did live under my parents' roof & got 20 Qs when I went anywhere.

My parents did not see me as an adult until I started acting like one: got a job, moved out, paid my own way. I viewed my time with them as the cost of grad school. Instead of being buried under a mountain of student debt I mortgaged my sanity for 3 years, then walked away.

Between rent & tuition moving out is probably not feasible. So keep your eye on graduation & grit your teeth. If you can't stomach continuing to live with your parents you need to get a better paying FT job or give up your PT schooling to get a PT job so you can move out. You can theoretically always go back to school but statistically that is unlikely.
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