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marriage,debt and manipulation

Family Parents too demanding? Sibling driving you mad? Tell us!

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Old 23rd October 2017, 5:40 PM   #1
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marriage,debt and manipulation

Hi everyone ,

This is gonna be a long story but here it goes.

I am from an Indian & religious/conservative background.I come from a family where becoming a doctor is an absolute priority. I live in Germany. My elder siblings were sent abroad to pursue a medical degree.Everything was paid for them by my parents.

I also went abroad for medical school. I thought since everything was taken care of financially for my elder siblings, the same would be done for me. My parents reassured me upon frequent inquiry for years that this would be the case. However, my parents took out maximum student loans in my name. I wasn't allowed to work (because they felt non-professional jobs were beneath us). Halfway during medical school my father died.I switched to a cheaper medical school.

I got engaged to my fiancÚ in 2012. My family was unhappy with my engagement, they tried to introduce me to other people for marriage ,but i brushed it off and planned a wedding with my fiancÚ for October 2014.

My mother was supposed to join me in September 2014 to facilitate my marriage. However, my sisters demanded she stay with her in the USA to facilitate her hunt for a suitor and my mother ended up not coming. My sisters reasoning was that her doc told her she would go into pre-menopause soon.She however has a long history of rejecting suitors, not giving anyone a chance and blaming others for her misfortunes.

At this point, my fiance and future in laws were very embarrassed and disappointed since everyone was informed about an impending wedding.I was furious. My mother suggests that i do a a religious marriage ceremony now, and host a reception later. I agreed to this.My family freaks out again and says how can you do your religious ceremony without us.

My brother starts harassing me.We found out my brother is gay a few years back, (which can be an issue in my culture/religion). I had never even mentioned nor interferred in his personal life coz of my love and respect for him, yet, here he was harassing & lecturing me on the basis of culture and religion about how my behaviour was unacceptable and that i am crazy.

My sister then called my future in laws up and yelled at them, saying ''we are educated people and we marry after our education is over. Your son and our daughter are going around for years, so whats the rush now?'’ My future in laws only respond by saying '' if they are going around for years, maybe its time they get married.''

My brother grabbed me by the arm and started shaking me, and while i am angry he makes a video of me on his phone and threatened to send it to my fiancÚ. I have to mention here, that i have alopecia, and my head was uncovered at that moment, which made it feel especially cruel.

My family one by one asked me whether i am pregnant, and if not whats the rush? I got furious as i have not had any physical relations with my fiancÚ due to religious reasons. My brother got people from the community involved, stating he was under stress and needed advice. On the one hand i am having fights with my family, on the other hand with my fiancÚ, so i run away to a hotel for the night. My brother comes after me and gives me a sleeping pill to calm me down at the instruction of my mother.

My fiancÚ feels bad for me and calls my mother up directly and talks to her nicely and also says that if anyone bothers me anymore, they will have to deal with him. My family later interprets this as a personal insult. My mother and fiancÚ agree that the marriage will take place in 6 months. My health starts to deteriorate. 6 months go by and my mother returns. My family starts telling me that my fiance is the wrong guy for me and i'm making a huge mistake. I am not proud to say this but i got very scared to do anything at that point.(i froze), so the marriage got delayed again.

We planned again to get married at the end of my medical school, i return to Germany and i asked my mother repeatedly to contact my future in laws to plan and coordinate the wedding, she delayed everytime with some excuse. My mother again tried to introduce me to other people,which i rejected. Time goes by and i have turned 30. I have not eloped till now because i feel i deserve a 'normal' wedding and to be treated with respect.

My sister now tells my mother she has ovarian cancer. She also says she got raped. I highly doubt this due to big inconsistencies in her stories, and her timing. My mother now wants to go to my sister to look at suitors for her. I told her to get me married off first before going, since i don’t trust her coming back any time soon.

When i asked my mother about my debt, she says they were planning to pay it off by selling a property we have in India. Till then she agreed to pay the monthly installments (and she has till now). The property was on my deceased fathers name and now finally has been put on her name. She however wants to take my sister to accompany her to India when selling the plot, since my sister has more experience with buying and selling properties in the usa. This doesn’t sit right with me.

Also, at this point, my mother is fed up with me and tells me to f*ck off to my fiancÚ, i said gladly, and am going to get married in December. I am not on talking terms with my mother while we live in the same house.

After all that has happened i find it hard to trust people. I have become a nervous wreck, and have debilitating back and neck pains, due to which i am having trouble keeping a job. But i am hoping my health will improve when i am out of this house. The positive thing is my future in laws have been very loving towards me, and my relationship with my fiancÚ has strengthened very much.

Last edited by far800; 23rd October 2017 at 5:48 PM..
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Old 24th October 2017, 2:48 PM   #2
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I have to be honest, you may not get a lot of complete understanding on here, because I'm not sure many of us here can relate.

For most people paying off their own student loans is expected. You feel trapped by your family, but really a lot of it is your own choosing. You don't have to have your family at your wedding. You don't have to have them pay off your student loans.

My advice would be to live your own life, get married, work as a doctor and pay off your own student loans. That is the western way of living. Right now you want the best of both worlds., you want the freedom of the west with the family support of the east.
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Old 25th October 2017, 2:09 PM   #3
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Personally, I think your family is toxic. I can understand the student loan situation because I studied Chinese medicine for over 5 years and have the debt of a western medical doctor or lawyer.

That being said, your peace of mind is priceless. Six figure loans, while six figures, still pale in comparison to your overall physical and mental health. How long are you willing to allow your family to hold you hostage for monetary reasons?

Your fiance sounds like a gem to put up with all of this on top of respecting your religious beliefs. He sounds like someone who is willing to weather the good and bad changes of life with you--I would make his and your well-being a priority over your manipulative family. They can throw all the tantrums they want, you are now an adult. The only person in this scenario who seems to have your best interest in mind in your fiance, which is why I highly recommend prioritizing that relationship.

Good luck with everything.
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