I am very, very, VERY attracted to someone I maybe "shouldn't be" attracted too

[Hopeless_Romantico]

So, for the past year I have become really attracted (physically and personality wise) this woman. And the reason why I say I "shouldn't be" attracted to her is because she is my brother-in-law's daughter. Now, I know this may sound weird but she is of age.

 

My sister's husband is a lot older than her (he's in his mid forties I believe and my sister is 27) and his daughter is 19 and I'm 29. I've known her since she was about 12 years old and at that time, I definitely had no attraction towards her. However, since she has matured mentally and physically morphed into woman hood, I have become VERY MUCH attracted to her. It started a little after she became 18 and I was trying to deny my attraction towards her but the past 5-6 months I couldn't deny it any longer.

 

I doubt it but sometimes I feel like the feeling may be mutual with her. We tend to lock eyes a lot and I've caught her (maybe) checking me out and I know she's definitely caught me checking her out and she doesn't seem to mind. Sometimes I've noticed subtle things she does that may indicate she has an attraction towards me. Regardless, I am positive her attraction isn't as strong as mine. It's been more of a case of non-verbal communication with us but I am most likely just reading into things too much.

 

Now, I do want to say that I'm not in love with her but I know when I have "a thing" for someone I know it, and I have "a thing" for her. She's beautiful, she's tall and slender, she's very intelligent, driven, corky and mature for her age. We also have the same approach to life and have a way of challenging each others thoughts. If she wasn't a member of the family, I would have made a move a long time ago.

 

 

I know nothing will happen between us but hypothetically if something were to transpire, it would just be awkward between the family. I know her father and her family wouldn't be too happy about that and neither would my sister. And I don't want to potentially jeopardize the relationship with people. And in the event something would happen between her and I, I feel like we would have to maybe sneak around and I would feel bad doing that. Again, that's just hypothetical.

 

I want to just drop it but I can't help myself at the moment. Yes, there's many other women out there and I don't particularly need to try and make anything happen with her. On the other hand, it just isn't easy since I do see her a good amount of times. Am I wrong for being attracted to her? This is a unique situation for me since its a "family thing" and I don't want to upset anyone, however, I also know that if her and I got closer, I wouldn't deny it.

 

 

Thanks for your input everyone. Please be honest, candid and give your thoughts and opinions.

[Satu]

snip

*I want to just drop it but I can't help myself at the moment. Yes, there's many other women out there and I don't particularly need to try and make anything happen with her. On the other hand, it just isn't easy since I do see her a good amount of times. Am I wrong for being attracted to her? This is a unique situation for me since its a "family thing" and I don't want to upset anyone, however, I also know that if her and I got closer, I wouldn't deny it.

 

 

 

*You can, but you don't want to.

 

Thoughts and feelings are not something we can't control, like the weather, or the price of soap powder.

 

Thoughts and feelings are behaviours, something we do.

 

So the question is, do you want to carry on doing what you're doing?

 

 

Take care.

Edited April 5, 2016 by Satu

[Hopeless_Romantico]

snip

 

*You can, but you don't want to.

 

Thoughts and feelings are not something we can't control, like the weather, or the price of soap powder.

 

Thoughts and feelings are behaviours, something we do.

 

So the question is, do you want to carry on doing what you're doing?

 

 

Take care.

 

Yes, you're absolutely right. I know I don't want to but I try to find ways to justify it. I tell myself things like "Well, she is of age and we're not direct relatives" and the fact that she is an adult and will make her own decisions.

 

I think the best thing for me would be to not engage or try to engage in anything with her but it pains me that if I don't at least see what can blossom (or not) between us, then I'll never know. And the thought of not knowing for me is the worse than anything else.

[GorillaTheater]

I think the best thing for me would be to not engage or try to engage in anything with her but it pains me that if I don't at least see what can blossom (or not) between us, then I'll never know. And the thought of not knowing for me is the worse than anything else.

 

 

You know how people advise others against workplace romances? About the horror show that the situation can turn into if things go south? Take that horror show and multiply it by a few orders of magnitude in this situation.

[DreamP]

The things you describe suggesting she may be interested as well seem like things your mind is making up. She might just like getting attention from a man or she may think of you as the pervy uncle. Don't read too much into it.

 

Since you aren't in love with her, just avoid her. Try to hang out with people your own age. The more you think about her and see her, the more you will obsess.

[jen1447]

One thing younger guys always seem vulnerable to is the fact that younger (as in puberty to late teens) girls/women a lot of times just like to 'flex' their new found (or relatively new) sexuality and the power that comes with it. That means that not all shared looks or behaviors on her part or whatever else are actually invites to get with her. They're often attempts to simply attract you, satisfy herself that she has that ability, and nothing more.

 

So watch out - having the "what's up w/you and me" talk w/her and getting rejected and having that get out will look very, very bad, bc it won't just be "those crazy kids," it'll be "that creepy step uncle."

[Hopeless_Romantico]

You know how people advise others against workplace romances? About the horror show that the situation can turn into if things go south? Take that horror show and multiply it by a few orders of magnitude in this situation.

 

Indeed, I am definitely aware of this.

 

The things you describe suggesting she may be interested as well seem like things your mind is making up. She might just like getting attention from a man or she may think of you as the pervy uncle. Don't read too much into it.

 

Since you aren't in love with her, just avoid her. Try to hang out with people your own age. The more you think about her and see her, the more you will obsess.

 

 

Yeah, I don't want to make up things in my head and I definitely don't want to creep her out. Although, I am definitely not her uncle and she never referred to me as her uncle but either way, yeah, I get it.

 

I definitely hangout with people within my age group and have always dated within my age range. This is the first time I've ever been attracted to someone a lot younger than me.

[Hopeless_Romantico]

One thing younger guys always seem vulnerable to is the fact that younger (as in puberty to late teens) girls/women a lot of times just like to 'flex' their new found (or relatively new) sexuality and the power that comes with it. That means that not all shared looks or behaviors on her part or whatever else are actually invites to get with her. They're often attempts to simply attract you, satisfy herself that she has that ability, and nothing more.

 

So watch out - having the "what's up w/you and me" talk w/her and getting rejected and having that get out will look very, very bad, bc it won't just be "those crazy kids," it'll be "that creepy step uncle."

 

Indeed. Although I wouldn't be hurt if nothing comes out of it. In fact, I'll be a lot more relieved if anything because I know I don't have to keep wondering and then I don't have to worry about the other people it may effect. It'll actually be a lot easier for me to deal with rather if things were to occur between us. However, like you mentioned it's all about how she takes things and how/if it'll leak out. She's not a gossiper but you never know.

[elaine567]

Part of family life for a single woman, is that it is possible to be yourself amongst adults without the added issues of sex, attraction or men wanting to grope you or get into your pants.

It is possible to be friendly to family members without worry that someone will get the wrong impression.

It is supposed to be a "safe" space.

So by introducing "sex" into the equation, you will be crossing a lot of boundaries here, boundaries that your family will vehemently want you to uphold.

Everyone will trust you, as the "uncle" to act like an uncle.

She, therefore should remain out of bounds.

[Hopeless_Romantico]

Lots of great thoughts, opinions and advice. I really appreciate everyone and it's really is helping me with my urges. Although everyone has said everything I already knew and thought, it definitely helps to hear it from an outside party of people instead of talking to myself about it, since I haven't felt comfortable talking about it to people I know personally.

 

I think what's best is that I just leave her off-bounds. It's way too risky and it just won't be worth the trouble in the long run. I've had more than enough of my share of drama throughout my life and the last thing I want and need is more drama and stress that I can avoid.

 

Right now I feel she's the only woman I am attracted to but I got to get over that. I'm not a bad looking guy and there's so many other woman whom I am attracted to out there somewhere I can and will encounter.

[d0nnivain]

Because she is your step niece you need to stay away. You already know what a S%#@ storm this will be if you break up.

 

Putting that aside, the other problem I see is that you two are at different life stages. You are almost 30. You have no business dating anybody whose age still has the word "teen" in it. You can't very well go to her college formal with her.

 

The very minuscule chance for happily ever after her is far outweighed by the probability that this will end in disaster.

[Noideanow]

i say, if its love go for it, talk to her, find out together, and do not let other CONTROLLING people stop you:) you are not blood-related or what to call it, if she likes you too, maybe begin to flirt openly with eachother when around your sister and her husband, that way they will see for themselves and slowly get used to it:love: i know i will get stupid remarks by saying this, but i dont mind, im used to it:cool:

a loving person wont tell other people who to love or who not to, afterall were not muslims are we;) for sure a loving person wont stand in the way of true love:)

Edited April 5, 2016 by Noideanow

[Alirocks]

Well, you are in tight spot... Here is the thing, human attraction is normal. You might be attracted to her but is that worth possibly messing up your family. I can tell you right now, their thought will lead to "What did you think of her when she was a little girl?" They will assume you're a perverted child molester. Second it comes to a trust issue... parents are very territorial over their children, and it will be beyond awkward, to the point of mistrust. Of course that depends on how close you are with the family. Best of luck. I personally don't think that it would be worth messing your family up. In the end you can find another female that you are attracted to physically and mentally who will fill that void.

[GorillaTheater]

i say, if its love go for it, talk to her, find out together, and do not let other CONTROLLING people stop you:) you are not blood-related or what to call it, if she likes you too, maybe begin to flirt openly with eachother when around your sister and her husband, that way they will see for themselves and slowly get used to it:love: i know i will get stupid remarks by saying this, but i dont mind, im used to it:cool:

a loving person wont tell other people who to love or who not to, afterall were not muslims are we;) for sure a loving person wont stand in the way of true love:)

 

 

I'm shocked, SHOCKED, that you get blowback for your very well thought out comments.

[health]

You know how people advise others against workplace romances? About the horror show that the situation can turn into if things go south? Take that horror show and multiply it by a few orders of magnitude in this situation.

 

 

Really? I'm on the outside and have never heard of a situation like this. I was going to suggest the op pursue her because it's not even blood family - unlesd it's the daughter of his sister....brother in law's daughter from what? Another marriage other than his sister?

 

 

I know how crazy and bad work relationships can get. With family how much worse can it get? Any examples? I'm curious.

[Hopeless_Romantico]

Really? I'm on the outside and have never heard of a situation like this. I was going to suggest the op pursue her because it's not even blood family - unlesd it's the daughter of his sister....brother in law's daughter from what? Another marriage other than his sister?

 

 

I know how crazy and bad work relationships can get. With family how much worse can it get? Any examples? I'm curious.

 

 

Well, that's what has been going through my mind. She's not at all my niece. I never call her my niece and I met her when she was a teen, so it's not like I known her since she was a baby or kid. She never refers to me as an uncle or has ever called me uncle. She is also the the brother-in-laws daughter from an entirely different marriage and woman. So technically there's no incest going on but I still know it would make things very awkward on a grand level.

 

If I known her as a little kid then none of this would even go through my mind since I just wouldn't be able to look at her the same.

[jen1447]

I think what's best is that I just leave her off-bounds. It's way too risky and it just won't be worth the trouble in the long run. I've had more than enough of my share of drama throughout my life and the last thing I want and need is more drama and stress that I can avoid.

 

Right now I feel she's the only woman I am attracted to but I got to get over that. I'm not a bad looking guy and there's so many other woman whom I am attracted to out there somewhere I can and will encounter.

 

Word of caution here - be careful with the idea of putting her out of your mind bc sometimes that can make the desire worse. Any woman who's actually trying to seduce a guy knows she has him right where she wants him if he starts acting like he's gonna start showing resolve to resist her. (No idea if this young lady's actually knowingly pushing your buttons or not but I wouldn't be surprised.)

[Hopeless_Romantico]

Word of caution here - be careful with the idea of putting her out of your mind bc sometimes that can make the desire worse. Any woman who's actually trying to seduce a guy knows she has him right where she wants him if he starts acting like he's gonna start showing resolve to resist her. (No idea if this young lady's actually knowingly pushing your buttons or not but I wouldn't be surprised.)

 

 

I don't believe she even knows I have an interest in her and I highly doubt she's playing games with me. I will certainly keep this in mind though.

[d0nnivain]

I still know it would make things very awkward on a grand level.

 

If I known her as a little kid then none of this would even go through my mind since I just wouldn't be able to look at her the same.

 

You have known her since she was 12. When you look at her, see that CHILD, not the 19 year old young woman she is growing into. That should help cool your ardor.

[AMJ]

It's your sister's step-daughter. You may not be blood related but you are family.

[Standard-Fare]

An attraction like this becomes like a weird, intoxicating disease that takes over a private corner of your brain with excitement and lust. That corner of your brain will do everything in its power to see the attraction flourish -- building fantasies, ignoring logic, inventing justifications.

 

But you CAN dominate this attraction using willpower, self-control, and a cold dose of realism. Instead of feeding the attraction, i.e. scanning for signs that she's interested, letting her play a role in your fantasies, you have to force your mind into other places and keep rejecting the idea.

 

As most everyone has said - this thing is bad news. It's a little creepy, it's super complicated and dicey in terms of family dynamics, and it's simply NOT WORTH IT.

[whichwayisup]

Now, I do want to say that I'm not in love with her but I know when I have "a thing" for someone I know it, and I have "a thing" for her. She's beautiful, she's tall and slender, she's very intelligent, driven, corky and mature for her age. We also have the same approach to life and have a way of challenging each others thoughts. If she wasn't a member of the family, I would have made a move a long time ago.

 

You know it's not love. It's sexual lust. That's it and honestly it's NOT going to kill you or ruin your life that you can never 'have' her in the way you want to.

 

LET IT GO, put her out of your head. Find someone else.

[CC12]

Lots of great thoughts, opinions and advice. I really appreciate everyone and it's really is helping me with my urges. Although everyone has said everything I already knew and thought, it definitely helps to hear it from an outside party of people instead of talking to myself about it, since I haven't felt comfortable talking about it to people I know personally.

 

I think what's best is that I just leave her off-bounds. It's way too risky and it just won't be worth the trouble in the long run. I've had more than enough of my share of drama throughout my life and the last thing I want and need is more drama and stress that I can avoid.

 

Right now I feel she's the only woman I am attracted to but I got to get over that. I'm not a bad looking guy and there's so many other woman whom I am attracted to out there somewhere I can and will encounter.

 

I admire your willingness to leave it alone. That's wise.

 

You might want to consider the possibility that much of your attraction to her is based on the idea that she's off-limits and that it's taboo. It's fine to have these fantasies (and I think that's all it is, because you seem to realize that it would never realistically work) but there are healthier ways to explore these possible aspects of your sexuality. Like erotic literature or pornography, for example. Actual family members or very young adults don't need to be involved in order for you to responsibly engage in your kinks, assuming that's what you're dealing with.

[UpwardForward]

Indeed. Although I wouldn't be hurt if nothing comes out of it. In fact, I'll be a lot more relieved if anything because I know I don't have to keep wondering and then I don't have to worry about the other people it may effect. It'll actually be a lot easier for me to deal with rather if things were to occur between us. However, like you mentioned it's all about how she takes things and how/if it'll leak out. She's not a gossiper but you never know.

 

 

It is a common trait for the OM/OW to consider themselves as a rescuer of the one who is in the marriage. And a thought (in their mind) that seems to drive or excuse the OM/OW in their quest.

 

 

I saw a banner on someone's FB. It read: God will never bring you someone else's husband. You could replace this saying with: God will never bring you someone else's spouse.

 

 

Imo, you have been a victim of fantasizing in your mind - about your sister in law. The mind is where these things begin.

 

 

Hopefully this will help you to change course, and save everyone heartache.

[sandylee1]

Yes, you're absolutely right. I know I don't want to but I try to find ways to justify it. I tell myself things like "Well, she is of age and we're not direct relatives" and the fact that she is an adult and will make her own decisions.

 

I think the best thing for me would be to not engage or try to engage in anything with her but it pains me that if I don't at least see what can blossom (or not) between us, then I'll never know. And the thought of not knowing for me is the worse than anything else.

 

 

It's too close for comfort.

 

Even if you were together. .. then you break up.... everyone gets involved. If your BIL sees his daughter get hurt by you.. then it will cause problems in your sisters marriage... and he might be keen on the 10 year age gap for his daughter.

 

Don't think of dating your sisters step daughter.

 

There's gotta be a whole number of other girls you can date.